does recovering sobriety mean no sex, no plans of the future?
 

can anyone give more insight of a recovering alcoholic's emotional and lack of interest in physical or sexual contact during sobriety?

plus, we had plans for a future and he no longer brings it up? should i assume it no longer exist? he stopped saying i love you and wont sleep over my home stating that he doesnt want to start patterns and be responsible for my feelings. he's 20 days sober and at aa everyday. i have detached from his drinking but do i now detach from him? is it normal to be this distant??? he has a lot of issues to deal with but i have fallen last on the list of priorities.

does this happen a lot? advice? words of wisdom?

hi and welcome to SR, you might want to post this at Friends and Family of Alcoholics also to see if you get people connecting with you, living your side of this. I am pretty new here but I think you would get better responses from people who are affected by the alcoholic. I am an alcoholic recovering and I know I am distant and trying to take care of me. But he also is too..so ??? lots of pain with this is all I can say. Try the friends and family of alcoholics also. Good luck

Twenty days is very early in sobriety. I know in my very first days sober I had to put sobriety Front and Center. Sobriety is still my first priority and always will be, but at four months I'm feeling comfortable in other areas of my life.

He could be taking the Big Book's advice totally literally about not having/forming relationships in the first year of sobriety. Altho I don't know if the BB means to ignore a relationship you're already part of... I kind of doubt that, but it depends on HIS interpretation of the "no big changes/relationships in the first year".

Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? Might be a good way to get a handle on why he's doing what he's doing - but the best way is to ask him, nicely, of course, and non-threateningly. I commend him on getting sober, but the very early days of sobriety is a rough ride, so you may have to step back for a while as he 'gets his bearings'.

All the best to you!:ghug3

ditto ^

I agree. Alanon is a great way to deal with your alcoholic. Recovery can cause a lot of upheaval in the very beginning. It helps to try to get an understanding of his sobriety and get recovery for yourself!

:ghug3

As others have said, finding support for yourself would be a big help for you.

You can check out the Friends & Families forum on this board, if you like.

If he has only had sex while intoxicated he could be a bit scared. That's an area I would be taking it very slow in. Express you are wanting to be intimate and you are waiting for him to initiate it and you will be patient. I agree that it's only been a short time. Baby steps.

Please note that a newbie but I would not do it until six months and do it at least I until step five. What step five will mean to you is different than me.

thanks all..well, i have an answer...
i asked and he responded with... he has a lot on his plate and that he has to fix the situations that he has ignored for way too long..work, the kids and now the ex wife sounds like she is having a nervous breakdown! things in his life that he has ignored way too long. stating that it doesnt mean he doesnt love me or still not want me to be his girlfriend and that im not a pattern -he is.

he says he is sorry if i have to take a back seat to this but he has to do this right or he's going to end up where he was which is no where & he doesn't have any more strikes left in him. "If I fail again I don't think I will be able to come back from it."

i told him i get it but it still hurts me. naturally, he cant respond because he can only be selfish and i never want him to go back to the bottle so i have to do as he asks for him to save himself. my mind understands his rationalization but my heart doesnt. we have been in a committed relationship because he wanted it and now im back burner girl. im trying to understand and find solice.

i think i need alanon today for sure!!!

Yes!! You need support for yourself and your feelings. I understand both perspectives, tho I understand fully how hurt you are feeling. Please do try Al-Anon. You need all the loving support you can get!

:a194: