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Old 11-10-2008, 07:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Highs and lows


Hello Everyone,

I am 29 days into recovery. For 27 days I was feeling great, on top of the world, I'll even say spectacular!

For the past two days I have been feeling bad but afraid to tell anyone. My new AA friends seem so excited about how great I have been doing/feeling, I don't want to disappoint them or let them know I have not been feeling well. They are my biggest cheerleaders.

I am feeling not very excited about my new life all of a sudden, I think I actually MISS my old ways, my comfort with the known. This is all so new for me, I am so out of my comfort zone on so many levels.

Suddenly, I have been craving a drink like crazy (one day at a time has been working), and I have had an urge to hang out with my old "friends" in my same old bad places. I am thinking "this too shall pass", and maybe this is a part of recovery? I am so afraid this is a sign that I have not hit bottom or that I am not ready yet. Tonight I am not having a drink because right now, this minute I want to be sober more than I want to drink. I am taking day by day and right now minute by minute.

I am afraid that it is going to get worse if I don't do something, change something, etc. I want to better my life but my old life suddenly seems so comfortable. Crazy but true. I am craving familiarity I think more than alcohol but everything seems so mixed up right now.

Is this a part of recovery and how long will it last? Am I not ready for recovery?? I am terrified of this thought. Please advise.

Thank you,

BA
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Old 11-10-2008, 08:04 PM   #2 (permalink)
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You can get through it. The past is the past, you probably already know what the bad places do to you
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Old 11-10-2008, 08:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Remind yourself strongly, don't sugar coat, why you quit drinking to begin with. Alcohol must have been bad enough to give it up. If you pick up again it's not going to be any different, I have much experience at that. Every time I relapsed I got worse. Don't learn the hard way. Keep moving forward and don't go back! Nothing is so bad that drinking can't make it worse.

Take it one minute or hour at a time, if that's what it takes to stay sober. You CAN do this. You can live thru this and not give in. It's entirely likely that you are feeling the effects of PAWS: Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Where the physical withdrawal is over but the brain and body are still getting back to normal. Mood swings are common and feeling crummy overall. There are stickies in the Alcoholism forum that explain it better.

You're going thru a rough patch, don't let it become quicksand. Oh and stop worrying about 'letting down' your AA friends. They would prefer you told them your true feelings, how else can they know to support you?

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Old 11-10-2008, 08:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeachAngel View Post
Hello Everyone,

I am 29 days into recovery. For 27 days I was feeling great, on top of the world, I'll even say spectacular!
Over-confidence can be a mixed blessing. They key to staying sober is keeping your pride "just the right size".
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Old 11-10-2008, 08:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi again....

Please see if this information helps

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

Yes! you too can recover!
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Old 11-10-2008, 08:51 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Oh my goodness.

Go look up my thread called Quitting Drinking vs. Recovering. I think you and I are in almost exactly the same mindset, except I'm a few days ahead of you (if today is Nov. 10 then I'm on day 41).

I wish I could answer some of your questions. I've had some emotional bombshells dropped on me the past day or two so I'm feeling pretty fragile right now. I hope it will at least help you to know that you're not alone and you're not the only one who feels that way.
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Hey BeachAngel,

I felt exactly like you do when I was at just around 30 days. I remember how surprised and hurt I was that the urges and rationalization to drink came back.

I called my new recovering friends as well as some numbers of women I'd met at meetings but never phoned until then. Absolutely no one was disappointed in me. No one became less excited about my recovery. In fact, I think one woman said she was proud I'd phoned her. Had I kept it to myself, I'd have missed the opportunity to strengthen my friendships in recovery.

I've learned that I have to "tell on my disease." I have had a good laugh with my sponsor after saying out loud that I was thinking that I could drink or use responsibly. It makes sense in my head until I say it out loud. Then I can see how ridiculous it really is.

In my experience, yes, this is a part of (early) recovery. I didn't feel this way for more than a few days. The old comfort you remember can be replaced by a new comfort from new behaviors. That's how it's worked for me, anyway.

Best of luck to you and CONGRATULATIONS on 29 days!!
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I wondered how you were getting on.
How's your business going?

If I recall correctly you were going to go to some AA meetings etc...?
Did that go well?
Did you get some phone numbers and stuff?

Yeah, I know I am 1001 questions. Lol.

And despite how you're feeling you are doing really well.

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Old 11-10-2008, 09:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BeachAngel View Post

For the past two days I have been feeling bad but afraid to tell anyone. My new AA friends seem so excited about how great I have been doing/feeling, I don't want to disappoint them or let them know I have not been feeling well. They are my biggest cheerleaders.

You did the right thing by posting how you feel and not picking up a drink. You will not disappoint anybody in AA--we have all been there. I don't know anyone in the program who was happy/excited all the time...especially when they were in early sobriety.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BeachAngel View Post

I am feeling not very excited about my new life all of a sudden, I think I actually MISS my old ways, my comfort with the known. This is all so new for me, I am so out of my comfort zone on so many levels.
Slowly start to venture out into the realm of the "unknown" in Recovery--of course. I was the same way at first--it felt uneasy dealing with feelings/emotions which were completely foreign to me. Alcohol ruled my life/my mind for so long--I didn't know how to function as a human being without it. It was a learned process--it didn't happen overnight. Plus, I had to quit hanging out with certain individuals and old hangouts where drinking was heavily involved. It was difficult at first. It felt like my world had ended--in a sense. That was all I knew...and felt like it was all being taken away>but iI knew it was for the best.--even though it hurt .

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeachAngel View Post
Is this a part of recovery and how long will it last? Am I not ready for recovery?? I am terrified of this thought. Please advise.

You will have your ups/downs. You are in the recovery process already. This can be your bottom. Just keep moving forward--and hang with the women in AA (if you are female). They will help save your "butt" when you feel like you don't know what to do..and desperately need some help. Learn from everyone in the program--but stick close to the women. Some men, although not all men take advantage of females new to recovery. I was one of them. One thing I would suggest is being honest with those you trust in the program--your AA cheerleaders--and let them help you get through this. You don't have to pretend everything is ok when in fact is isn't. You aren't being true to yourself. Remember--"To thine own self be true."
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Old 11-11-2008, 01:49 AM   #10 (permalink)
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If you decide to stay clean...

then perhaps you can go to a meeting and talk about what is going on. be honest always...although sometimes most people try to talk recovery **** to get approval, it's always best to focus on the truth.

keep up the good work
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Old 11-11-2008, 04:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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just keep putting it out BA!

its all part of recovery...

keep moving foward, and it does get better...

not life...

our emotions, our feelings, and the way we see life...

good wishes BA

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Old 11-11-2008, 05:19 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Beachangel - I have to agree with RZ, in that it is part of recovery. The old voice will always try to seduce you back to the life you gave up for good reason. It will get weaker and have less airtime eventually though.

I was just talking with a friend on SR yesterday about how we do miss some of the aspects of our drinking, but know we could never attain the parts we miss the most. We were out of control when we ended it and out of control is the Act in the play that we would return to.

Good luck and thank you for your honesty. You are doing everything right here BA. Don't hold back with your new AA friends. They would think its probably odd if you didn't have these thoughts. Remember they traveled or are traveling on the same road as you. Let them take your hand and we will take your other hand.
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Old 11-11-2008, 06:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Beachangel, I admire your determination. I know I second guess myself frequently. I think you know you are ready for sobriety. I have to remind myself that I will have days where I feel strong, others not so. During those strong times, and especially during those not so strong times, we're here to support you.

--mike
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:34 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your responses. I have been reading these replies but have not had time to post. I am working two jobs right now and it is hectic. I quit the escort job and now I have my new business and another job. I could not do the escorting without drinking so now I have a finance problem but guess what? I am not drinking!!

It is so weird that this is one of the only places in the world I can tell all of you exactly how it is and you are all so understanding and non judgemental...thank you. I am so happy to have found this wonderful place where I can be myself and be accepted.

FYI, the new business is doing well but not making much of a profit yet. Sobriety is the best thing in my life right now, I am really making it! I am learning so much in AA, I go to a meeting every day.

Thank you all for your support, acceptance, and understanding. I am so glad to be here...31 days today and feeling better than I was the other night when I posted. Thank you. xoxo

BA
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Old 11-13-2008, 05:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Hi BA,

Congratulations on 32 days, today! I think we should sell tickets to sobriety at 30 days.

"Step right up folks,
ride the emotional ride,
up and down, loop d' loop.
All riders will win a prize"

The ride is wild, but the prize is cool! You learn new coping skills and gain the knowledge that you can handle life's challenges sober! Day by day, moment by moment!

You are doing great!
:ghug
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