Mcribb

I sent out texts today to my friends explaining the situation. That I wanted to quit. That I don't drink like they do. That when everyone else goes home from the bar. I drink, drink, drink, then wake up drink more, then eventually have to dry out, feels like my whole body is cramped up, my sides hurt, my head hurts, i throw up violently, have anxiety attacks, fight people, **** myself, and that it will kill me. I individually put messages that please don't enable or encourage me or try to play down my problem. I know my problems and I love you but if you peer pressure me I will be forced not to hang out anymore. I didn't think it was going to be as emotional as what it was, but I guess when you are begging for anyone to help you you are at the bottom. The wierd thing yesterday if you said You need alcohol help i would have thought of like classes or things like that. Turns out the biggest help will be for people to not say

Ray you want a beer? One's not going to kill you? Who cares you got to die of something, I drink alot too, we all have a problem. The difference is I ain't going out like that. I atleast have the balls to try to change things instead dying on a toilet naked.

Pam08

Mcribb, welcome and glad to see you here. I am new to this also, 8 days sober now, after last relapse. I go to AA daily, you get alot of support and NON drinking friends there if you are open to it. Hope you give it a try and go to AA, (any meeting) if you have a desire to quit drinking. Just to see if it is a place that can help you with your sobriety. Good luck, keep posting

Astro

Amen! That's what I needed to hear today.

Pam, nice to meet you. You shared a damn good message for someone with 8 days of sobriety. What I heard from it was hope.

puterdude

If it helps you at all...nearly everything you've described I can identify with. Thursday's seem to be the day that I want to toss in the towel and surrender for some "relaxation". After all, don't we deserve it eh? Worked hard all week so far, don't I deserve some fun? Crap, my buddies are at the bar, seems like that is where I should be too...

Oh yea, very familar...and can be difficult to replace that with something other than drinking. I am only on day 3 right now and it feels a lot longer.

hang in there.

Mcribb

I don't know if it is on youtube or not, but there is a bill cosby bit about getting drunk and throwing up and over and over cosby says' You deserve this you worked hard all week. This is your fun time throwing up. This is what your deserve. Thanks again for the positive words.

Mcribb

I have had problems with a girl I like. She is 23 flakey as hell. We are on again and off again. I went to visit her yesterday, and she didn't seem very interested even though we have dated often and I live quite aways away. So that was alittle bit of a punch in the gut and then work just piles up and screws me over and it isn't even wednesday, but I just reminded myself my number one mission is not drinking right now. So girls and stuff go on the back burner. I woke up and worked out today I feel better now, I just have to be the goofy guy I am. It still sucks being away from family I guess I will plug away. I am just getting tired of every day sucking when this is supposed to be the best days of my life. I will try to get into some chat rooms and put my sucky days into prospective. We got people on meth, people dying, or losing kids on here. I will write out a gratitude later to kick myself in the *** and everything.

Mcribb

Today I woke up with a wet carpet. I guess my water heater leaked all over the place it is the second time in 2 weeks. I live in a 1 bedroom apt so I hope they clean that crap up today and find out and FIX the problem. I am coming down with a cold. I hope it wasn't because I was around a wet carpet a couple days. I had a mini panic because I didn't know how long the carpet was wet and I started having coldlike symtoms. So I immediately googled. Wet carpet, sick, painful death, asbestos, nachos (ok I was hungry) painful death. I think and hope it is just a cold but I may have been breathing mold for a couple days /drama queen. I told myself I wasn't going to drink today. I don't think it will be a problem with this cold. I am going to trivia night at a bar...which is temptation but I go to this bar all the time without drinking so I am not worried. I am more worried about the mold in my lungs (again probably overacting) I was thinking about some things today about why I need to stop drinking. I think 3-4 drinks is ok a day for men. I put down atleast 40-50 drinks in a weekend. I take way too much painkillers for the hangovers. I sometimes **** myself when I am sleeping and drunk. I am hungover for work twice a week. The list goes on and on. I am just trying to do what it takes to stop getting to the freak out point where I don't care anymore. It seems like eating calms me down a bit. I don't want to start gobbling bad food, I don't think taco's are horrible, but on tuesday i had a bad day and I think eating calmed me down. I guess I will worry about not using food to calm me down when I can stop using whiskey or beer to calm me down. That does remind me my diet is pretty bad. I had dorito's popcorn...I did have two cans of corn yesterday. Today I had some sausage biskits and a can of mixed veggies they say in these muscle mags that eating veggies can improve the way you feel and look. I guess that doesn't go for alcoholic people with a wet carpet, with moldy lungs, balding, and with a cold

Pam08

How ya doing today!!!!! Keep positive..

Mcribb

I am fine. thank you for the answers I think it is kind of cheating because I have a cold so the full blown feeling good new a beer feeling didn't really kick in. I am just making plans on how to deal with stress. The other ways I have been dealing with it aren't so positive either well atleast, not perfect. Tuesday was a terrible stressful day. I sat and at some taco's some where, for some reason eating sunflower seads distracts me from some stress. I went to play trivia yesterday and instead of drinking I ate some of the best damn pizza ever. So I guess it either die of liver failure or die of a heart attack, but I do have to comment on this. That bar I have has awesome pizza and it is ususally like 17 american dollars which is pretty high and they have it on thursdays for 6 bucks. My tab was like 8 bucks which felt good because it ususally so high it has a comma in it lol.

I had a couple of my friends who are in medical school who don't get to drink often and so one time he was like Screw this Off the wagon B.S. you have having a beer, and of course one beer ended up being me drinking all night. I told him on tuesday how I don't have any benders in me left and to not peer pressure me anymore. I think all my friends are cool about it. I am looking forward to the weekend. The first time I quit I couldn't imagine picking up my guitar or drums without alcohol, but now I am looking forward to concentrate on getting better not just hack out some tunes. I watched the jets game pretty closely yesterday. One of my favorite things to do is watch sports and I have been too hungover, too drunk, too angered to really pay attention what is going on this year (exept for my beloved chiefs). It is funny how short life is, but how long the work week is. This week drug on forever, but I know in my heart life is short and it won't be long until I have been sober months years, decades. I worry about when deaths or some of lifes serious problems come down, but you have to take it day by day. I know one thing I am coming on this board and haunting everyone if I stay sobor for a couple months then die in a plane crash or something like that. (like stevie ray vaughn just kidding thanks for the well wishings and thank you to the mods and owner of the bandwith for housing my blogs.

Mcribb

To recap the weekend I drove back to my hometown with a large cold on Friday and just felt crappy all weekend. Then I drove an hour back on saturday and brought my drums with me. I was very very frustrated on feeling bad. I set up my drumkit on saturday drank, then went out to a bar with some friends. I recieved a txt message from a girl that wanted to meet me and when she did I was obvouisly drunk. Horray me. So back to day 2 which would be today (I had a couple beers on sunday watching the kansas city chiefs) I knew Tylonal was bad for your liver, so I hope cold medicine isn't bad too, I am sure I have screwed up my liver alot. Oh well I just need something to get over that hump on the weekends. I know life isn't fair but it was frustrating having a cold flu on one of my only days off. When I was drinking it felt better though and I didn't feel too bad on sunday. I know I can sober up for good if I could just tough it out. I always do a good job but I am very greedy in that I say to myself "it's the weekend this is your only time not to be overloaded with bullcrap) When I get to saturday I just want relief from aches, pains and worry's because it is the only day out of week that I have some me time. I know though in my heart that you can't have your cake and eat it too. You are either going to cut your life short or you will have to fight through the crappy days. The mindset then starts to creep in "what kind of life is this...fighting through the week of work, responsibility, challenges, then getting to the weekend just to keep yourself busy and not drink. I do know why I want to quit and even though I am feeling bla bla today I guess I can list "save my liver " to the list.

So to recap.. I am back on day 2.... I want to get over the hump on not drinking on saturdays. My liver is probably screwed.

-reasons I want to quit

January 11th 08 and november 09th I spent all day clenched, sweaty, just trying to breathe praying I feel better

I spend most of my free money at bars and on beer.

I embarrass myself on a consitant basis and nothing good comes from drinking

I want to live longer, and I don't know if my liver can hold up because I wasn't aware that tylonal and drinking screws up your liver

I want to spend more of my free time getting better at drums, guitar, and visiting people.


I was sober thursday and friday last week so I know what could be if I stick with it. The endless possibilities of energy and time to spend with friends and enjoy food and music.

Mcribb

I hate for this thought to enter my mind, but I have always thought to myself "if I had a family, or closer friends, or a girlfriend, where I live, I would have enough joy to not drown my loneliness and sadness in alcohol" I know that is a chickenpoop answer because I want to always take the easy way out. I am talking to a new girl that I hoping that can atleast give me motiviation to stay sober. That sounds weak but that is the thought entering my mind right now, then the thought after that is I need to stay sober for myself, no one should sway you to stay sober, you should love yourself enough that no girlfriend or family member should keep you sober. I love myself alot. I am funny, smart, work hard, keep a roof over my head, I have good ethics, I love jesus, I am talented, I just can't kick that one flipping day or two out of the week that the temptation kicks in.

Pam08

Glad you jumped back in, day 2, i did that for along time, i said i was done, but when i felt better, i was drunk again. This past year drinking took a toll on my mind, it makes me nuts...I hit bottom so it is either stop or die or go nuts....I want to stop this time....you might have to find other stuff to do and people to hang out with on weekends when you are the weekest ....... but keep posting here....lots of caring people here to listen and help ...Glad your bak again..stay strong...

Mcribb

My friends that I hung out with this weekend had no effect on my drinking, the simple fact was I felt crappy and I couldn't stand it anymore. I only have a couple friends that straight up will trigger me. Ultimately I enjoyed half the night we went to some crowded bar and I got bumped all over the place. I wish I would have just stayed in and played drums. I did meet a couple of nice girls though (score!)
I will throw myself a bone to the fact on sunday I could have felt sorry for myself and keep drinking until monday, but I quit went for a walk, because I the faster I sober up the faster I could feel good about everything again. I ate a KFC big box and hung out with the same friends. I love the kfc big box. It gives you a leg, 2 sides a drink, and chicken strips for like 7 bucks. I ordered 2 sides of mashed potato's and proclaimed sunday as mashed potato sundays!

Mcribb

I love the irony how I am scared of dying, but yet I choose something that will kill me on a regular basis

Pam08

I can so relate, I drink knowing it will kill me, i smoke, when cancer is big in my family. I guess we ignore the reality, the addiction is stronger then our intelligence. You seem to be good today, I am glad, keep updating, I am off to my AA meeing..even when i just sit and listen I always leave there feeling better...and i need that today.

frstnm

Mcribb
Please stop writing about my life and my recovery !! lol
This sounds like what I deal with on an ongoing basis but - it IS life on life's terms and now that I am clean and sober it is a whole lot better than my life before !

Mcribb

On top of all this I went to long John silvers today to get a 2 piece fish and more. They only gave me one scoop of coles slaw with their ice scream scooper looking deal. When it rains it pours i guess.

psuge47

Mcribb, Our stories sound very similar. You gave me some good words about telling my friends to back off when they were texting me to come out. Stay strong brother, You can do this. Hit the gym when you feel like pounding drinks. You will lose the urge when you are done.

Hang in there

Mcribb

I don't feel good today at all. I have been sitting in my cube all week, i still have a cold, i just want some relief. I am looking over the note I wrote after my last bender and I am looking at the 40 bucks I spent on saturday and non of that is meaning anything because I just want some relief. I think the money is what is going to save me from drinking the most though. 40 dollars a week is alot and embarrassing amount of money. Those alcoholic thoughts creep into my mind because I was sober monday tuesday and wednesday that I might have a problem. Then I pull out the note. I just hate it when you are not "feeling" it. If I am going to feel like **** I would like to have some pain relief from some brewdogs. I am starting to get motivated again just typing this stuff out. My poor liver

Mcribb

I am feeling alittle better now. I got some B and G from the vending machine (biskits and gravy) I am staring at my 40 dollar bar tab from last week along with reminding my self of the sweaty shaky hell of detox.