frstnm

The topics at my meetings and in the NA Just For Today have been love lately.
This is a very hard subject for me to discuss and probably why I have trouble in relationships that dont reciprocate the love I feel I am giving or am trying to give. I find it very scary to approach someone of the opposite sex, especially if I find them attractive. Its like I am not worthy of talking to them or I fear being rejected from the get go. Whether is is with family, friends or a significant other. Is there any light reading out there on these subjects. Im kind of an idiot and have no attention span due to my past and present issues. I would even like to discuss it, take little quotes, suggestions feedback and the like because Im new to the whole thing even though I have been engaged twice and usually my health or drinking/drugging (sometimes equaled to theirs) has been an issue, but not the only one.

Thanks for your help !
I guess Im just a hopeless romantic.

lostbutterfly

Wish I had some advice for you, but I'm kind of in the same boat. In fact, being sober makes it a million times harder for me to even contemplate a relationship.

Hope someone wiser than me comes along soon.:ghug3

frstnm

I mentioned in my meeting at noon time that there was and still isnt a use for the word love in my direct family. When growing up it wasnt used until my mother was on her deathbed and it was one of her last words to me. Sex dating and relationships were Never discussed at all. Its always been learn from others and kind of go with the flow...for me anyway.

I do tell my nephew which I am sort of banned on and off from seeing that I love him unconditionally.

lostbutterfly

Every child should have unconditional love. Not all do though, sadly. I got it from one parent, so I'm luckier than some!

What really freaks me out about starting a new relationship while sober, is that first time you get physical, you know (without getting too graphic, lol!). How does anyone do that without having a drink or two?

I think I may have signed up for a life of celibacy with this sobriety business!

Astro

Trust me, it was worth the wait, and I appreciated every moment even more because I wasn't numbed out by alcohol!

frstnm

I suppose I have been lucky and usually I am so shy that SHE ends up making the first move...alcohol or not.
I do have some of the same fear though LB.

Jersey Nonny

It is strongly suggested that there be no romantic involvement in the first year of sobriety. Make believe you're a teenager just starting to date...there's safety in numbers...do things as a group with group members. Stop for coffee after the meetings...get together to go bowling, to the movies, etc.

Most of us in early recovery are extremely vulnerable and just starving for affection. And, please beware of "13 Steppers"...people who profess to be working the AA program, but take advantage of the vulnerability of newcomers...they come in both sexes.

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When growing up it wasnt used until my mother was on her deathbed and it was one of her last words to me. Sex dating and relationships were Never discussed at all. Its always been learn from others and kind of go with the flow...for me anyway.

Are you sure you're not my long-lost younger brother? My mother never told me she loved me until she had Alzheimer's, and then she didn't know who I was. (I have come to understand the reason she couldn't show love is because it was never shown to her when she was a child.) I have three grown children, and I never end a phone conversation without saying, "I love you."

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I suppose I have been lucky and usually I am so shy that SHE ends up making the first move...alcohol or not.
I do have some of the same fear though LB.

For some reason, I assumed you were a female. It's good to know men feel just as insecure as women when it comes to the romance department.

Remember...Anything worthwhile is worth waiting for.

frstnm

Yep, I have spoken to my sponsor and several others who know me well in sobriety and they seem to think I am ready for it but also advise to take it slowly. I never thought I would have to slow someone down myself if that is the case. We are going to attend several meetings over the weekend and actually I am looking forward to those as much as seeing her and getting out of my town for a couple days.
Wish me luck....lol

least

I can't give you any wisdom cause I don't think I have any. I have always been better at loving others than at loving myself. Never felt deserving of love - my own or anyone else's.

I can't give you advice or wisdom but I can give you this:

Lifeiscoolforme

Hey you guys I am new to this site and glad I found it. I have been clean and sober for 2 and a half years. I have been dating someone else that has almost 2 years sober and it freaks me out at times but it is worth it. We just try to be honest even about the little things. At first we went everywhere with the group and that realy helped break the ice. But we both admit to each other when something is awkward and then we laugh at each other alot and we are learning this stuff together. It gets easier and easier and for me it has been wonderful. We have been dating for 6 months now.

Jersey Nonny

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It gets easier and easier and for me it has been wonderful. We have been dating for 6 months now.

Good for you! I'm a sucker for happy endings.

Ananda

I guess so far in my life I have found that the real joy is in loving another person....I enjoy loving someone. actually having a relationship is not something i have much much expereince at and only 2 dates recently..before that 15 years of nothing.

But I did have relationships in a previous sobriety....the sex part wasn't really that dificult. I have to admit I discovered at that time celebacy and no romantic relationships was a much nicer place to be, but today I am open to that possiblity in my life and enjoyed very much expereinceing the loving part with the guy I liked.....not the i'm not interested that way part so much

but overall wouldn't have missed it for the world....I just need to enjoy what is in my life today to the fullest cause there are no gaurentees...and forever just means I plan to die first

Thanks2HP

I can relate. I've always been on the shy side. I feel awkward around people. The more attracted I am the more self conscience I become.... My relationships before recovery were dysfunctional because "sick people attract sick people".

I tried eHarmony and didn't click with any of the "normies" but met the most wonderful woman who is also in recovery. We're a few months apart in age and clean dates although she has worked a much stronger program than I have. I have picked mine up though. We've been together for a little over two years.

She has been a tremendous blessing in my life. I've learned a lot about communicating from her. We're taking things nice and slow which is a departure from the usual "rush into it" mentality...

I used to go to stag meetings only. She told me that I should go to mixed meetings so that other women know there are some "good" men out there. What a complement! And what trust too, to know that I won't sabotage what I have with her for a few moments pleasure.

Anyway, just wanted to share my experience. Best of luck in your journey. One thing that just came to mind. Be careful for what you ask for because you just might get it! I didn't pray for a relationship but every night I turned my "desire for a relationship" over to God. I've learned the hard way that praying for specific things can really backfire. God does answer prayers (IMHO) so be careful!

I know of a guy that went to a few SAA meetings and ended up marrying a woman he met there. He got what he wanted but it ended up in divorce a few years later.

Take care.

frstnm

This woman is clean and sober but I would have to say that she is in a little different spot of recovery than I am. She really doesnt get to many meetings and I believe that for me, meetings help me work on life issues as much as it helps me keep clean and sober. Honestly, I cant make her go to meetings but I would like to see her go more.

At this point
It may be another classic case of 2 sickies dont make a wellie.......
she also has an eating disorder that she is trying to manage by herself and with no professional help including no therapy n stuff......

I was able to tell her about my feelings now and in the past when she has cancelled plans last minute and of my expectations of communication, honesty and trust in a relationship. My question was if she was willing to work with me on these things. It is her who is asking to be a part of my life and I am interested but have my hesitations at this point.