I am not a drunk I just keep relapsing.
 

I am now 2 days sober. I have been through detox, 4 week rehab, out patient. Going to AA, but through this have relapsed 4 times. I am still trying to get my 30 day chip. This past relapse was by far the worst. I guess I am lucky I am here typing on this post and not locked up baker acted. My therapist had threatened to call 911 on me as after talking with me on the phone and realized i was not talking at all like a sane person, I fell bruised my leg, cuts, fell out of chairs, sprawled out on the ground, wanting to be dead..etc...So I was home, in comes 3 cop cars. fire trucks, ambulance, rescue trucks..etc. lights ablaring. I was outback of my home, and didn't realize the commotion for a bit in the front. my unlucky husband had to deal with it. They checked on me quite awhile later, and luckily left. Amazing how we can sober up fast, I should have been hauled away, I was nuts. My life is out of control, I don't want to go outside my house as I wonder what the neighbors are wondering, how much they know. My husband is embarrassed, and wants to move, he wants me gone. How we can drink, know how bad it is and continue to try to fool ourselves. I am gonna make it work this time, I know AA is important, a sponsor and WORKING The steps. I got a temp. sponsor and started going back to AA, and beginning step one. This morning I got on my knees and prayed to GOD, asking for his help to take this demon from me. It felt good to get on my knees and connect with my higher power. I feel I am not alone, I know he is with me, for as soon as I asked for his help, my car keys which I had been looking for for the past 2 days appeared. For all of you who are here like me..starting over, once again or anyone who is just getting to the point that life is out of control,. I can feel for you. I have to make it work this time. My life is running out. I cannot keep going on drinking a 1/5 at a time. People are amazed that I can drink that much and more and walk, talk, as I am not a large person. But this disease keeps wanting you to have more and more. I am gonna to try to get positive and know that life can change. I can hopefully get over the embarrassment I have now with my clicky, nosey neighborhood. How awakening this is to feel so low amongst your piers. Well this is me,. would like to hear from you all.

Oh bless your heart!! I have been sober for over a year. Meetings, sponsor and fellowship make all the difference in the world. What helped me alot was the thought that if I relapse again my shame would be greater than the last relaspe. I also realized that when life got tough, I wanted to drink and with the temptation being so great it was so hard BUT:

It occurred to me while battling if I should take that 1st drink I would be taking the easy road. The EASY ROAD gets harder the longer you stay on that road - but the HARD ROAD gets easier the further along you stay on that road. That stupidly simple thought saved me everytime the battle came!

The promises of the program are real. I know because I am living them right now.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. I know that I wanted to take the path of least resistance when "Life" happened to me - I did not want to deal with life - but I am grateful that I decided to stick it out because my life and world is real and I feel fantastic.

Guess what?? I even like myself - I turned out to be a wonderful person who deserves to live life on lifes terms and with out living in constant shame.

Keep posting here!!!

Best to you,
Nikka

Hi and Welcome,

Yes, this disease is relentless and it will take us down if we allow it.

You can get sober and move forward with your life. Make a choice to stay sober today and begin to change your life.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I understand the shame with each relapse, as this week it is about as bad as it can be. Thanks so much for the responses, it is comforting to know people are out there who understand. Thanks

Hi pam ,
I so relate to your shame and guilt. The night of my last drink I was a sodden, middle aged women, half dressed, thrown on her front lawn onder a streetlight by the police from the back of a police truck , so believe me, I understand .

I was , at that time, given the gift of desperation, thank god, and all I could do , was the next thing I was told to do. I was taken to meetings by wonderful AA members, and was too scared not to be ready when they came to pick me up. I had no idea if or how it would work, I just did the next right thing, no matter how small.

My relief came when I heard an older member share , " that you are an alcohlic, so what ?" "you can do ANYTHING in this life EXCEPT drink", that leaves a lot you CAN do LOL

Acceptance of this fact was , for me , the turning point, such a relief ! I just "let it go" and got on with getting well. And it has worked

Give up the struggle , Pam, just accept that you have a disease called Alcohlism, and get on with healing yourself

Keep on keeping on

and
HUGE HUGX

leigh

.

Welcome Pam . . . I'm glad you've joined us.

Keep going to AA and just don't drink for today . . . . don't worry about tomorrow or the neighbors . . . focus on you and being sober.



I once asked someone to be my "temporary sponsor" and she said, "I don't do temporary. I'm a busy woman with several sponsees so I only have time for women who want permanent sobriety. If you want temporary sobriety, ask someone to be your temporary sponsor. If you want permanent sobriety, ask someone to be your permanent sponsor." I thought that was really good advice.

For me, I wasn't able to stay sober until I wanted to be sober more than anything - more than drinking, for sure. It took me months to finally get it right.

Take it one day at a time and sobriety will add up. Just don't drink for today.

Welcome!:a194:

I too had a difficult time staying sober...even with AA.
I just couldn't figure out why I kept drinking
when I desperately wanted to stop.

Then I read a book...Under The Influence"
that explained my brain and liver enzymes
incorrectly processed alcohol.

Eureka! I was not doomed...nutso or hexed.
:laughing:

I re-newed my connection to God and AA
and have not had another drink.

Please go to our Alcoholism Forum
we have excerpts on the 2nd sticky post.

Good to see you here...:wave:....Welcome!

Hi Pam - welcome. Don't give up before your miracle happens. We are here to support and encourage you. Don't pick up a drink today - you can do this!

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and encouragement. It feels good that some can connect with me. I prayed this morning for the power to keep sober today. went to AA, picked up my big book which I want to start reading later when I am alone and can concentrate. Reading all of your words helps so much, thank you ..the person I have called my temp sponser is because that is what they offer at the group i go to..who wants to be a temp sponser. hopefully it will work out more then that..:) every day seems to be getting easier to deal as far as feeling so horrid about the episode, andi guess yes if i was a man would be nothing, but I am not. and I am lembarrassed for my doings, and feel badly for what my husband must feel. I dont like to be cause of others misery...anyway, I am sober today.

Good job Pam! You can't change the past but you can make damn sure it won't happen again! It is up to you and it is time to make the change you so desperately want. Stay strong!

So true...we never start out wanting to ruin our lives and others. But, it happens, and we can only move forward without alcohol. Being sober today is all that matters. The rest will be worked out over time.

I can relate, Pam. My demon is opiates. Managed not to have a drink in 60 days, but have relapsed 4 times on opiates. Still haven't got my 1 month chip either.

This is a great thread, I learnt a lot from the people who answered you, thank you!

Way to go Pam!!! Keep trucking on the hard road (it really doe get easier the longer you go down that road)!!!!!!!

Nikka:You_Rock_

Thank you all for your words, and thank you lostbutterfly for your words, i see others that started AA after me and have 30 day chip. i feel less alone. I want to get it this time so very bad. thanks to you all

Yeah, reminds me of when I was in labour for the first time, and everyone who arrived after me kept having their babies and leaving me behind - I was just like Rachel in Friends, if you've ever seen it!

But, in spite of the slips, I'm still learning. I couldn't do 24 hours two months ago and now I can do just over two weeks. Then it's back to the beginning again!!

I can relate to the guilt and shame. It's hard to forgive ourselves for things. But the first thing is to stop beating ourselves up for our past and instead, congratulate ourselves for realizing that we have a problem and being willing to do something about it.

There are many people out there with this same problem who don't even care enough to do something about it.

But you are here and you are trying to better your life. There is no shame in that. That is something to be proud of!

Don't give up. Just stay sober today and everything else will begin to sort itself out. It all starts with not picking up that first drink today.

Hang in there Pam :)
Just for today................ dont pick up that first drink

The feelings of shame take a little longer to deal with, but you can do it ... as long as you are sober

HUGX
Leigh

This is day 4 for me. I have been on this day many times before. Very depressed, husband is ignoring me, wants me to move out, but I am not going to now, I will fall and I know it, and i don't think that I would be able to get up again this time. So I moved into spare room. What a life, but that is what I have to live with for now. Hoping god will direct me on the right path. I appreciate all the posts, the words of wisdom and it means alot when people are pulling for you.