HideorSeek

Thanks MLE for letting me squeeze in my own issue on your thread I appreciate it. I'm so glad you posted this topic because trust (and regaining it) is one that all on this forum have to address one way or another. In reference to me, I KNOW he KNOWS (that I lied) and actually on one occasion (while drinking no less), my conscience got the best of me and I actually confessed and he said 'I know you have". By bringing it up now, I'm afraid of rehashing old wounds and my gut tells me that he'd rather not relive the bad, but would rather move forward. Also, I can't help but think of the AA 4th Step that cautions "to make amends except in the case..", or am I just looking for a way to chicken out...:chatter

I think that you are right about your husband's avoidance of self-examination, based on what you have said b4, and here on this thread. It sounds as if he will point a finger in any direction, but at himself.

HideorSeek

Whoops, I meant 5th step...

mle-sober

What if you said something like this to your husband: "Honey, I really appreciate the ways in which you've been able to forgive me. When I got sober, you never punished me or acted resentful. A lot of spouses/partners go through a phase initially where they don't trust the person who got sober because of the lying they did while they were drinking. We've never talked about that. I'm happy to let it go and move forward if that's what you want. But I also wanted to give you the chance to talk about your feelings around my lying. How do you feel about that?"

I know that's a mouthfull but you get the idea... acknowledge his ability to forgive and forget (a hugely generous thing if it's real) and tell him it's unusual. And then offer him the chance to respond to the fact that you lied to him. Tell him your sorry.

I would love an update if you do have that conversation with your husband. I would love to hear how he handles it. You may just have a marvelous man with a big heart that really does allow for serious forgiveness and trust. I hope that's the case!

And I'll work on my own situation and keep you posted too. We see the therapist every 2 weeks so it'll be a while...

Freedom125

I have another thought on regaining trust which has been in my head but I hadn't been able to quite figure out what I was exactly thinking until now.

Anyway, it's that whilst regaining respect and trust is obviously needed in a relationship I'm a little uneasy about it being very closely related to the act of gaining another's approval. That's why I'm keen to treat my partner in a new way, i.e. in the way that she deserves, with honesty, dignity etc. But not doing it in order to regain her trust. Rather, simply because it's right and proper to treat a partner like that! Alongside that I need to regain respect and trust in myself. A by-product of all this will be that over time she will (or not perhaps) regain her trust and respect for me also. But, the difference is that I'm not trying to regain her trust as a project in its own right. No, instead my primary efforts are simply in living differently.

Hope this make sense?!?

HideorSeek

Wow, excellent points, both of you! Who needs to pay a therapist with you guys here? LOL

MLE, I will try that and let you know what happens. Some nights, we get into good, deep discussions, so I will try to plan it appropriately (ie, it may be a while for me too).

Excellent insights, thank you!

lizw

Denial isn't just for alcoholics eh? What's his family background?
Alcoholism or other addictions in his family? Abscent mum? Abscent dad?
Dysfunction of any kind?

I have never met a partner of an alcoholic who grew up with a emotionally healthy family. Most I know came from a Munster type family. Lol

He hasn't caught dysfunction off you or anything..... he may think he has, just like we as alcoholics think we drink for a zillion other reasons than the truth, because we're alcoholic, but it's not true, it just appears to be.

A lot of Al Anons say they have the thinking of an alcoholic just not the drinking.

mle-sober

Yhis totally makes sense to me, Freedom. I think one of the reasons I feel so uncomfortable with my marriage is that I feel the constant threat of disapproval. He calls it trust. But it is all wrapped up in approval and worthiness.

I need to work to make that distinction.

And Lizw: I don't know about his family growing up. They seem pretty healthy and happy compared to what I had and saw around me. His is the upper-middle class family with a lot of sports and not much discussion of anything important - kind of easy-breezy. When he met me (at 23) he was kind of hungry for intellectual and emotional nurishment.

Maybe his denial is rooted in his family of origin... I am just now seeing it. He didn't grow up with a lot of unheaval like I did. But he grew up with an enormous amount of denial about all kinds of things. Life was always happy and you weren't supposed to talk about the unhappy things. Hmm... crazy that I didn't see that before. Thank you.

Steam: Thanks for your input. Nice to hear from you, as always. I'm sorry to read you broke up with your girlfriend. The last I had read, you were moving in that direction. I'm sorry. I know it's hard.

HideorSeek

"I feel the constant threat of disapproval. He calls it trust. But it is all wrapped up in approval and worthiness."

Whoaa, that is so totally me too. MLE, I have been "doing" a workbook entitled "A woman's addiction workbook" (L Najavits). She takes feelings such as these, head on. I can't recommend it highly enough. She makes my head spin with her truisms.:chatter

mle-sober

I will try to find that workbook, HideorSeek!! Thank you. That makes me hopeful.

I've had a cruddy day with some bad things happening to one of my children. I'm all wrapped up in that right now.

Thank you.

HideorSeek

I'm sorry to hear about your child, MLE. Please pm me if you feel like talking. Also, I don't know whether you are interested, but there is a group of us on the womens forum doing the "women's way through the 12 steps". Once again, there are no coincidences in life: we are talking about and dealing with these very issues. Hope to hear from you and see you over there. You are such a woman of wisdom, we would benefit greatly from having you there!:ghug3

lizw

I'm not by any strech of the imagination a counsellor or a therapist but seeking emotional nurishment from one other person is for want of a better expression 'part of an alcoholic relationship.'

Now don't get me wrong, I don't mean the 'supporting kind' when someone is going through a rough patch or a hard time but if a person/especially an adult male IMO is seeking this off the bat, something is wrong at the fuse board. Another good sign is say they've been going through a hard time for the last 10 years!!!!

I have read in many, many books that children from 'healthy' families are taught to do this for themselves, rather than being left to look for an outside 'fix'.

It's hard stuff to face for anyone though eh?
Alcoholic, family member or whatever.

I've been sober 10 years and have only started looking at this kind of stuff myself - from both sides. As the 'fixer' and as the one 'looking for a fix'.

Compassion whatever it is, is a fantastic approach.

Dee74

LOL wrong thread

time for bed

D

HideorSeek

You are too funny Dee!

HideorSeek

I also meant to say that yours was a good message, regardless of what thread you intended...

Dean62

I have been married for 28 years. Communication is the key. :ghug3

HideorSeek

Amen to THAT dean and also a sense of humor...