Freedom125

Hi everyone,

I just joined and thought I'd post a message about me. To cut a long story short I'm ruining my life with binges. Like many of you I don't drink in the morning or everyday and have managed for several years to use an outdated description of alcoholism to convince myself I was normal. But I aint. I'm the "once I start wild horses will not stop me drinking to oblivion" type. I'm mainly a beer drinker and if I don't get into double figures it's been a quiet night/afternoon. Recently, I'm managing to do it less often but then when I do I seem to go more crazy. I've been aware I've had a problem for sometime but after a particularly embarassing performance on Friday night (at least the bits I remember) I need to do something.

I keep hearing that AA is the way to go but I tried it once about 2 years ago and it was horrific. There we were sat in a circle being all open with each other and I hated it. It may be great for some but not for me. However, I appreciate the power of the support concept and I wonder if a virtual community like this one might fulfil this role.

I also recently tried alcohol counselling. It was helpful but the counsellor didn't seem to think I needed to quit - rather just to moderate. Well, I've tried and failed for 15 years so I think I need to quit.

Problem is, I love it. Alcohol is one of the great loves of my life. The ultimate breathtaking roller coaster ride. Nobody else makes me feel so great, so confident, so free. OK, the vomiting bile and 3 day hangovers are not a nice way for a lover to treat me but all relationships have issues, right? Oh, and if we've been apart for a while, the making up is always simply sensational. Sure, I can feel empty aftewards but it's worth it, isn't it?

In all seriousness, I'm sitting here with a keen meta-awareness of what's going on. I know I'm damaging myself. I know I have classic codependent and self esteem issues from growing up in an overly restricted religious environment that I'm trying to suppress. I know that my father's addiction to prescription drugs and my uncle's to anything he could get his hands on is probably not good genetic news. I know that other relationships in my life are not altogether healthy and have addictive qualities. I know all these things and I do try to address them but how the heck I am going to manage to quit drinking is beyond me.

For what it's worth I'd probably be termed a functioning alcholic/problem drinker. I have a PhD in applied maths and a good job. I'm well paid, have all the trappings of success. Remarkably, I still also have my health. However, I suspect that there is only so long I can continue to drink as I am and keep all these things.

I really want to be free from this before it destroys my life. So, basically, I'm here to find, and hopefully offer, any help and support I can.

I have a dream to be free. Truly free. To think and be just what I am. To not to be controlled by anyone or anything. I'd like to start by dealing with alcohol.

Horselover

Welcome to SR and thank you for sharing your story with us. "To not be controlled by anyone or anything." I can relate to that and I too, was a functional alcoholic for a quite some time. It did catch me in the long run. Welcome again!!

ANGELINA243

Welcome! Glad you are here! Drinking in moderation never worked for me. I had to stop altogether--but with the help of a medical Dr. at first because I had very bad withdrawals toward the end of my drinking days. I needed medical help to safely get off the booze. This place has helped me alot plus I do go to various outside support groups as well. Hang around awhile--keep posting. You don't have to wait until you lose everything to stop. We do recover.

adore79

Hi Freedom and welcome to SR. I'm glad to hear you were able to do the math (sorry bad pun) and decide to quit for good.

Taking5

If AA isn't for you there are other ways, but I would like to explore how you "tried" AA.

What did you do? Did you read the big book? Did you try many different AA groups? (Each group is as different from the next as people are different from each other). Did you do any step work? Please elaborate.

NewDayNow

Recognizing my use of alcohol for what it was, was my beginning.

Welcome to SR Freedom

Ed

Freedom125

Thanks guys. Appreciate you all taking the time to send a welcome message.

OK... confession...in terms of trying AA I went to one meeting. Didn't go back. Didn't do any steps. Was told on the phone beforehand not to have preconceptions and not to expect the usual stereotypes. Went along and it was actually full of the usual stereotypes and fulfilled all my preconceptions. I just couldn't relate to the whole thing. Perhaps I was unlucky and other groups are different but it wasn't a good experience.

The three main times when I drink are the relaxing in the evening time (usually late, in fact whilst lying in bed trying to get sleepy), the going out with colleagues on a Friday after work (the "I've earned it") and the sports event (out with guys). The latter 2 are the big binges but a quickly consumed bottle of wine on a week night between midnight and 130am is also not doing me much good.

I'm wondering whether I need to avoid certain environments or not. What do others think? Perhaps at the start of quitting it makes sense.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you're seeking help. I would have to say, for me, I need to REALLY want to stop drinking, in order for it work. It's hard to do and it takes a lot of motivation.

And, yes, I had to make some big changes. Actually making the changes in my routines and daily patterns was a huge help to me. And, try as I might, I couldn't be around alcohol at all, in the early days.

NewDayNow

I drank when I was alone. I now avoid being alone. Few of my social connections have ever involved alcohol. If I were a social drinker, I would be avoiding that environment right now. I suppose we are all deferent in that respect.

It seems to be situational.

Ed

CarolD

Here is a link you might find interesting...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Blackouts are explained on #17 but please do read it all.

...Welcome to SR!

sailorjohn

WELCOME!!!

Well, a little of my experience, started drinking at the ripe age of 14, got my first DUI-driving under the influence-before I was old enough to have a legal drivers license. Got 'sentenced' to AA many times, my earliest recollection of going to a meeting, dragged by my Dad when I was in my twenties, was that I hated it, couldn't relate, blah, blah, blah. Of course, I recognize now that while I knew I had a problem, I didn't want to do anything about it. Yeah, the meeting was full of the usual stereotypes and I was unique.


BTW, it took until my 50th birthday until I finally could accept the fact of my alcoholism, stop drinking/drugging and get back into the program, after a very long, unhappy period-over a decade-of being dry and trying to do it on my own. Nothing worse than being out there with a head full of AA, knowing deep down that you're f***ing up. Yes there are other 'programs' out there, most of us have found out that we can't do it on our own, we need face-to-face support from other alcoholics. Turns out that attending AA meetings and working the program is the easier, softer way.

David69

I totally understand the lack of desire to go to AA. I too have attended AA in the past and it did NOT appeal to me. I am here to work it out in another way...and so far so good. I too am educate, great job, perfect life (at least from the outside view) so I completely understand. You have already taken a huge step in recognizing that a problem exists. From here you can honestly only take it a step at a time. Remember that if you stumble or fall....get up, brush the dust off and give it another go. No harm, no foul as long as you keep trying. Good luck and welcome to SR.

Hevyn

Welcome Freedom-thanks for your open and honest confession. I know you can find help here. I don't go to AA meetings - I may try them someday again - but for me SR and fear of dying did it. You're probably a good deal younger than me, and if you keep going the way you've been you too can totally destroy your life. It just takes time. I graduated from a few beers a day to 100-proof vodka. In the end I had a drink by my bed so when I woke up with the shakes I'd have a little something to calm me down. I was never without it. I started out having so much fun with it, I can't believe what it became in the end. Wise of you to see what needs to be done.

I don't avoid bars or restaurants where liquor is served - but I know that's not advisable for most. In the beginning I was far too fragile to chance it, so I stayed away for awhile. It's all around me here, in a resort town - so I either had to grow strong enough to face the temptation, or move. At first I was resentful when others could have a drink and I couldn't, but I got over that. The feeling of being dropped out of a spaceship into a strange land faded after awhile - I've learned to enjoy the same things in a different way. No hangover, no remorse, no wondering what I said or did - or having to cover my tracks - it's such a relief. Best wishes in your quest for a new life.

David69

I agree with hevyn, at least in my situation. I, as those who have read my thread know, have not removed any booze from my house.....will not stop going out or avoid places that serve booze. I know that it would be foolish for me to believe I am winning this battle if I have to avoid being near what actually brought me here. Now with that said, it does not work that way for everyone. I know there are many different levels of addiction, many different personalities regarding addictions. So bottom line is do whatever works best for you! Just take it a day at a time and keep what works....toss what doesn't.

Hevyn

I completely agree with David. It's not a one-size-fits-all deal. I only went to a few (court-ordered) AA meetings and my heart wasn't in it, yet I know so many who felt their lives were saved by AA. For me, I would've been a hypocrite to keep going and pretending I was following the program. I do have the Big Book (bought for my then husband long ago!) and have gotten alot out of the personal stories in it.

Freedom125

For me I guess it may be the people rather than the places that cause more of a problem. Or perhaps it's the combination of the two plus the right (i.e. wrong) moment. What concerns me is how I have sometimes set up those moments/contexts without being fully conscious of unhealthy motives. For example, on Friday it was meant to be a couple of drinks at lunchtime but ended up in the gutter at 3am. Looking back it's easy to say it was lack of willpower that kicks in after a few drinks and not enough food. However, I think that somewhere in my deeper consicousness I knew that it could go that way and was very open to it, even subconsciously planned it and hoped for it.

I currently still have alcohol in the house. Not alot, couple cans of beer and a bottle of wine. I'm neither planning to drink it or pour it down the sink. Apart from being somewhat melodramatic, as others have pointed out, doing the latter feels pointless. If I'm going to drink at home I'll go to the 24 hour shop at the corner of my street.

Freedom125

PS. Hevyn, your comment "At first I was resentful when others could have a drink and I couldn't, but I got over that" is something that is on my mind a great deal. I already feel that resentment after 2 days but it's good to hear that it passed for you.

David69

That was exactly what I said in one of my postings....dumping it out at home serves no purpose for me when this is one of the easiest things to obtain (booze). If you cannot be around it and function....you cannot be away from it and function. (now those are just my personal thoughts). I dumped it out many times over the years and just jumped in the suv and bought more if I deemed it necessary. I know some cannot even be near it or they back-slide......I HAVE to beat it at a face to face level otherwise this entire operation is a wasted effort. So, I am understanding your predicament 100%. Good luck once again and I hope SR and all here can help.

Freedom125

That's exactly how I feel about it. I don't want to separate myself from the real world. And the real world is full of bars, minibars, Irish pubs, supermarkets full of the world's best booze, complimentary drinks on airplanes, friends who drink etc. etc.

David69

Bingo!!! Not a better way to explain it. "the real world" is perfect! Simple, straight forward and to the point. We became drinkers in "the real world" and will have to become non-drinkers in "the real world".