Searching for freedom
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 106
I get where you guys are coming from about learning to be a non-drinker in the real world, but I hope you're not setting yourselves up for failure. I've only been sober for 6.5 days now, and on Friday I went to a huge parade where everyone was drinking. Smelling the alcohol was really hard for me. It would have been really easy to have a drink because I really wanted one. My head is in a pretty good place right now, and I didn't drink. But if I had been really stressed out and unhappy, who knows what I would have done.
I'm not saying that I'm going to stay away from 'dangerous' places forever. It's just that at this point in my recovery, I don't have as many positive coping strategies for dealing with stress, and if I'm going to stay sober, I need to be vigilant. I know that there are going to be days when my defenses are down and I'm more vulnerable to old patterns. If I give myself the option of being around alcohol right now, I might not make it through the rough patches. In the past when I've quit and failed to tell my friends about it and thought that I could go out to the bars and just drink soda, I ended up drinking. Everytime. It's too comfortable. I really like drinking. I love beer, especially belgian. But, it's about time that I start liking myself more than beer. Staying away from bars and booze seems like a small price to pay for a more fulfilling life.
I wish you guys luck with your sobriety, no matter how you get there!
I'm not saying that I'm going to stay away from 'dangerous' places forever. It's just that at this point in my recovery, I don't have as many positive coping strategies for dealing with stress, and if I'm going to stay sober, I need to be vigilant. I know that there are going to be days when my defenses are down and I'm more vulnerable to old patterns. If I give myself the option of being around alcohol right now, I might not make it through the rough patches. In the past when I've quit and failed to tell my friends about it and thought that I could go out to the bars and just drink soda, I ended up drinking. Everytime. It's too comfortable. I really like drinking. I love beer, especially belgian. But, it's about time that I start liking myself more than beer. Staying away from bars and booze seems like a small price to pay for a more fulfilling life.
I wish you guys luck with your sobriety, no matter how you get there!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Bend, OR
Posts: 136
C.Up......
I understand what you are saying but that is why I said it is not for everyone. I have to face it....head on. There is no other way for me. I have never ran from anything in my life and this battle can be no different. I live in an area where it is around me whenever we go out.....whether it be for dinner, shopping or just hanging out with friends. Beer I can take it or leave it....never was a beer nut. Loved the scotch though. I am just being a realist however.....alcohol of any sort is SO easy to come by and present in almost every aspect of everyday life. You cannot go out to eat without something being offered on the menu. With that said, I have no choice but to have to live around it....unless I want to crawl into a hole. I want to have fun in life and enjoy what everyone else does (without the booze) and that is why I have to learn to live with it.
The world is not going to change for me so I have to adapt to it. I honestly get your point and understand it is different for everyone....but this works for me and will work for me. I am dead set on making the changes.
I wish you the best in your recovery.....
I understand what you are saying but that is why I said it is not for everyone. I have to face it....head on. There is no other way for me. I have never ran from anything in my life and this battle can be no different. I live in an area where it is around me whenever we go out.....whether it be for dinner, shopping or just hanging out with friends. Beer I can take it or leave it....never was a beer nut. Loved the scotch though. I am just being a realist however.....alcohol of any sort is SO easy to come by and present in almost every aspect of everyday life. You cannot go out to eat without something being offered on the menu. With that said, I have no choice but to have to live around it....unless I want to crawl into a hole. I want to have fun in life and enjoy what everyone else does (without the booze) and that is why I have to learn to live with it.
The world is not going to change for me so I have to adapt to it. I honestly get your point and understand it is different for everyone....but this works for me and will work for me. I am dead set on making the changes.
I wish you the best in your recovery.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 36
ClimbingUP, I also understand your point. Ultimately, we need to find the best way to stop drinking. One of the problems I have is that my work takes me to nice hotels, on planes, to restaurants with nice wine etc. and I can't/don't want to give up my job because I've worked hard to get there. There are also many others things in life that I don't want to avoid but have a prominent alcohol component - sports events, gigs and many others. Perhaps I will look back in the future and think I was naive but my plan is to stop drinking without stopping living. Anyway, good luck and stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Freedom,
In terms of changing who you hang out with, I never did that, I just told my friends I needed to quit drinking, but I did stop going into bars unless I had some reason to go there other than getting hammered.
In this process, many people supported my 100%, and others I have rarely seen or talked to since our "friendship" consisted of meeting in bars and getting hammered.
So in my case at least, I have made some changes but it was well worth it.
In terms of changing who you hang out with, I never did that, I just told my friends I needed to quit drinking, but I did stop going into bars unless I had some reason to go there other than getting hammered.
In this process, many people supported my 100%, and others I have rarely seen or talked to since our "friendship" consisted of meeting in bars and getting hammered.
So in my case at least, I have made some changes but it was well worth it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
I drank at home alone 99% of the time. My drink was wine. My drinking career was short but I was addicted very quickly. I knew I had a bad problem last December. I vowed to quit drinking but as you can see, I didn't succeed until mid July. Since I drank at home alone, and now live alone, I can't avoid such triggers. I did go to the drive thru I patronized and asked them to not sell me any more wine. They said that legally they couldn't refuse to sell it to me, unless I was obviously drunk, but that they would try to talk me out of it. And they did, the few times I wanted to relapse.
I wasn't a binge drinker. I drank all day, every day, and would go into withdrawal within a few hours if I didn't drink some wine. I couldn't seem to stay sober until I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I knew it was only a matter of time until my 'luck' ran out - until I got a DUI, lost my kids for real, had a terrible accident, or something else horrible happened. I was afraid, so afraid, and hated myself and my life so much I seriously considered suicide.
For a while after stopping this July I really missed it and had a hard time dealing with life sober. But I got thru it and now am happier than I've been in a while. I'm not going 'back there' as there's nothing back there that I want - only misery and trouble and death. It's not easy giving up alcohol, but in the end, it's worth it. I hope you can succeed.
I wasn't a binge drinker. I drank all day, every day, and would go into withdrawal within a few hours if I didn't drink some wine. I couldn't seem to stay sober until I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I knew it was only a matter of time until my 'luck' ran out - until I got a DUI, lost my kids for real, had a terrible accident, or something else horrible happened. I was afraid, so afraid, and hated myself and my life so much I seriously considered suicide.
For a while after stopping this July I really missed it and had a hard time dealing with life sober. But I got thru it and now am happier than I've been in a while. I'm not going 'back there' as there's nothing back there that I want - only misery and trouble and death. It's not easy giving up alcohol, but in the end, it's worth it. I hope you can succeed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 36
Thanks for the advice and inspiration guys. Whilst I don't expect to avoid bars altogether I can imagine that I won't be there for the 'session' drinking anymore. I don't think I'd find it that interesting to sit in a pub for 10 hours when sober. As for losing friends, I know that there are some who will disappear from my life. I have some mates who are just drinking buddies and I think we'd just bore each other without the booze. So be it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 36
Into day 3. Slept 1 hour in total but managed not to medicate. I know it'll get better.
My significant other says she's heard all my grand statements of change before and she doesn't believe I'll change this time. Who can blame her? Says she doesn't want to be in a position anymore whereby she's listening to empty promises. She's spent too many years doing that. I'm therefore trying to just stay calm and tell her that I'm not making her promises and that she should just do what is best for her right now.
Any tips on dealing with this? I don't want to control her with earnest words yet I am keen for her to know how serious I am. Or...is trying to convince her how serious I am falling into the dangerous trap of trying to make her feel good and therefore more accepting of me rather than dealing with my problem.
My significant other says she's heard all my grand statements of change before and she doesn't believe I'll change this time. Who can blame her? Says she doesn't want to be in a position anymore whereby she's listening to empty promises. She's spent too many years doing that. I'm therefore trying to just stay calm and tell her that I'm not making her promises and that she should just do what is best for her right now.
Any tips on dealing with this? I don't want to control her with earnest words yet I am keen for her to know how serious I am. Or...is trying to convince her how serious I am falling into the dangerous trap of trying to make her feel good and therefore more accepting of me rather than dealing with my problem.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Bend, OR
Posts: 136
You might want to try some Melatonin to help with sleeping....take it about 20-30mins before you head to bed. It is natural and worked for me....if that does not do it then try some Tylenol PM.....works about the same. This got me through the first couple of rough days.
We have already talked about the other issues. Wish I could provide some further advice for you on this. I honestly think a heart to heart talk about what your plans are and what your thoughts/feelings are (as well as hers), would be good at this junction. Have to figure what could it hurt right? She may realize just how sincere you are about your quest to free yourself of this addiction. I guess only you know if it is really worth the effort. Good luck and best wishes.
We have already talked about the other issues. Wish I could provide some further advice for you on this. I honestly think a heart to heart talk about what your plans are and what your thoughts/feelings are (as well as hers), would be good at this junction. Have to figure what could it hurt right? She may realize just how sincere you are about your quest to free yourself of this addiction. I guess only you know if it is really worth the effort. Good luck and best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Freedom,
Just stay the course. Our actions define other's expectations of us, and your history, like mine and many others, is filled with the wrong actions - drinking too much, too often.
A prolonged period of doing the right things will raise your partner's expectations of you.
Just stay the course. Our actions define other's expectations of us, and your history, like mine and many others, is filled with the wrong actions - drinking too much, too often.
A prolonged period of doing the right things will raise your partner's expectations of you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
way to go Freedom
nice choice of a name...it's so positive.
a counselor suggested that i attend 3 aa meetings in 1991. I said no....after he got to the point of really pissing me off i said yes, knowing full well that i didn't ever have to see him again.
at the third meeting i opened up and gave it a try.
there's a lot of unhelpful opinions and what not in AA, but there is also a lot of support, ,and it filled the void of time that i did not know what to do with. also there is a comradere and a kinship and a social aspect that is available if a person wants it.
i like it now when i'm listening to "an idiot" at a meeting. a few different things happen for me. One is: it doesn't matter if someone else has a different opinion than me, and no matter what they might say, no matter how stupid, it does not invalidate my truth unless I let it.
two is: when I see stupid people, i now notice that i am judging them, and i know (for me) that whatever i am judging it is because i am seeing it through the eyes of knowledge of that stupidy. in other words because i am exactly what i see.
anyway...for some AA just simply isn't an option. it's worth trying first, though, like 6 meetings at a couple different places to get a good taste. one thing for sure; AA is reliable (it is everywhere and frequently available).
nice choice of a name...it's so positive.
a counselor suggested that i attend 3 aa meetings in 1991. I said no....after he got to the point of really pissing me off i said yes, knowing full well that i didn't ever have to see him again.
at the third meeting i opened up and gave it a try.
there's a lot of unhelpful opinions and what not in AA, but there is also a lot of support, ,and it filled the void of time that i did not know what to do with. also there is a comradere and a kinship and a social aspect that is available if a person wants it.
i like it now when i'm listening to "an idiot" at a meeting. a few different things happen for me. One is: it doesn't matter if someone else has a different opinion than me, and no matter what they might say, no matter how stupid, it does not invalidate my truth unless I let it.
two is: when I see stupid people, i now notice that i am judging them, and i know (for me) that whatever i am judging it is because i am seeing it through the eyes of knowledge of that stupidy. in other words because i am exactly what i see.
anyway...for some AA just simply isn't an option. it's worth trying first, though, like 6 meetings at a couple different places to get a good taste. one thing for sure; AA is reliable (it is everywhere and frequently available).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 106
Freedom--I think that all you can do right now is work on your sobriety. We have a TV show here called Dr. Phil (yeah, I know this is cheesy), but he has a quote that I think might be helpful here--The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Your SO has every right to be wary of any proclamations you make, because words are easy. It won't be until you've built up enough of a 'past' of sobriety that she'll be able to look at your behavior and see hope for the future. Be patient and give her time to see how you change for the positive.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 36
C-Up, that's basically it really. I totally agree that she has every right to be sceptical. And I can't really expect anything else until time has passed.
I guess many of us have been in this situation and found healing in time.
BTW guys, I know that I am taking more from this than I am giving at the moment. Please forgive me for that and know that I am here for the long haul and hope to ultimately give a lot back too.
Thanks for all your positive and supportive comments. It's helping. Really helping.
PS. David, melatonin not available in the UK unfortunately although I'm in New York for a few days from Friday so perhaps I'll try it out - at least for the jetlag!
I guess many of us have been in this situation and found healing in time.
BTW guys, I know that I am taking more from this than I am giving at the moment. Please forgive me for that and know that I am here for the long haul and hope to ultimately give a lot back too.
Thanks for all your positive and supportive comments. It's helping. Really helping.
PS. David, melatonin not available in the UK unfortunately although I'm in New York for a few days from Friday so perhaps I'll try it out - at least for the jetlag!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Bend, OR
Posts: 136
No Melatonin....wow! You have kidney pie but no Melatonin? LOL...how does that work! Well you should have no issues finding it anywhere in NY....just don't buy it off the street. (just kidding). Any pharmacy or major grocery store will carry it.
BTW, no worries about taking more than giving (that is just your perception).....I think you would be surprised how your situation might help others here. It all seems to balance out.
BTW, no worries about taking more than giving (that is just your perception).....I think you would be surprised how your situation might help others here. It all seems to balance out.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 106
I agree with David--don't worry about taking rather than giving advice. Personally, it makes me feel great when I can help someone else out. It's such a positive for my self esteem. And I think I need that now more than anything.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 12
Hello Freedom!
I just want to say that I've read through this thread and entirely identify with your ways of drinking. The binges were becoming more frequent, along with the blackouts. I love(d) drinking beer with my friends in the pub - I am in London as well, and it's a cultural norm here. In my circle of friends - and they are 'true' friends, though drinking buddies as well - there are light drinkers (2-3 pints) and heavy drinkers (5-6 pints), but it's just me and one girlfriend who could go on and on after that until very bad things happen in the blackout state.
I have now been sober for 16 days, and I have felt quite giddy and optimistic for the past week. The week before that I was miserable and consumed by thoughts of all the hurt I caused to my partner. He said he needed time away from me to sort things out in his mind, and I understood that. He was as scared for my wellbeing as I was, but he needed to worry about himself. I didn't bother making any promises or pronouncements of how I would change, because when you're a drunk those words mean absolutely nothing. I just told him I was opening up to support (here at SR
) and reading about my sickness (Under the Influence).
Since then I have met with him, and different friends, in a number of pubs. I have been sipping either diet coke or alcohol-free beer (Becks Alcohol-Free or Cobra Zero are available in some places). See... I really like the taste of beer, and these choices are quite good! My partner has watched me happily go without alcohol and has said he is very proud of me. I think I've missed out on a few binges now, and possibly a couple of blackouts too. I actually feel like I have had more fun in the pubs than I ever have, since I'm still the goofy, spirited character I imagine myself to be, but a sober one which feels for me now more authentic.
One strange thing I have noticed is the smell of alcohol on my partner's breath when I kiss him, it's quite an ugly smell! I hadn't noticed it before because my breath was probably worse!
Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your experiences... I wish you all the best and congratulations for getting through these past few days!
I just want to say that I've read through this thread and entirely identify with your ways of drinking. The binges were becoming more frequent, along with the blackouts. I love(d) drinking beer with my friends in the pub - I am in London as well, and it's a cultural norm here. In my circle of friends - and they are 'true' friends, though drinking buddies as well - there are light drinkers (2-3 pints) and heavy drinkers (5-6 pints), but it's just me and one girlfriend who could go on and on after that until very bad things happen in the blackout state.
I have now been sober for 16 days, and I have felt quite giddy and optimistic for the past week. The week before that I was miserable and consumed by thoughts of all the hurt I caused to my partner. He said he needed time away from me to sort things out in his mind, and I understood that. He was as scared for my wellbeing as I was, but he needed to worry about himself. I didn't bother making any promises or pronouncements of how I would change, because when you're a drunk those words mean absolutely nothing. I just told him I was opening up to support (here at SR
) and reading about my sickness (Under the Influence).Since then I have met with him, and different friends, in a number of pubs. I have been sipping either diet coke or alcohol-free beer (Becks Alcohol-Free or Cobra Zero are available in some places). See... I really like the taste of beer, and these choices are quite good! My partner has watched me happily go without alcohol and has said he is very proud of me. I think I've missed out on a few binges now, and possibly a couple of blackouts too. I actually feel like I have had more fun in the pubs than I ever have, since I'm still the goofy, spirited character I imagine myself to be, but a sober one which feels for me now more authentic.
One strange thing I have noticed is the smell of alcohol on my partner's breath when I kiss him, it's quite an ugly smell! I hadn't noticed it before because my breath was probably worse!
Anyway, I look forward to reading more of your experiences... I wish you all the best and congratulations for getting through these past few days!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Welcome freedom125, you've come to a great forum and a great place to start.
All I can offer is to return the excellent advice others have given me here on SR. I joined 18 months ago and it helped me quit drinking for the first time in 2007, after 29 years of alcoholism and drinking everyday. I've had relapses but today I'm back on track and sober.
Some great advice I got here on SR: make a plan. Sit down with a piece of paper and make a list of how you are going to approach your recovery.
For example, here was my list:
1. See a doctor in order to get blood work done, such as those liver levels. Talk to the doctor about your drinking. (I know this is a hard step, but I can't tell you how much of a relief it was to do this). Taking beginning steps like this helps project you into the direction of the next step.
2. Find an outpatient program for substance abuse. And here I can add some particular advice: make sure you have a good rapport with your counselor, if not, keep looking and keep asking for one you feel comfortable with. (I went through three before the chemistry was right.....)
Discuss any possible medication with the clinic doctor. A regular MD is probably not going to prescribe anything like antibuse or Campral, that is usually done via an outpatient program.
3. Start going to AA meetings. OR, find secular alternatives to AA.
Taking those steps took a while and I had a few relapses on the way, but at least I felt like I was on a straight and narrow path towards a positive goal instead of just going in the same drunken, repetitive circle I was plodding along in everyday.
I know AA meetings can turn people off, but what I have learned is that there are no two AA meetings that are the same. I went to one last week that I didn't like much, but I have several others to choose from. Some meetings are too large for me. I've never returned to one because it was too ritualized, another was too small. Yes, it is a little like goldilocks and the three bears.
good luck on your journey to recovery: everyone's experience is a little different. Next time you are at a work-related event with lots of alcohol, keep in mind there are probably more than a handful of recovered alcoholics there drinking water or sodas, and it hasn't stopped them from attending....
All I can offer is to return the excellent advice others have given me here on SR. I joined 18 months ago and it helped me quit drinking for the first time in 2007, after 29 years of alcoholism and drinking everyday. I've had relapses but today I'm back on track and sober.
Some great advice I got here on SR: make a plan. Sit down with a piece of paper and make a list of how you are going to approach your recovery.
For example, here was my list:
1. See a doctor in order to get blood work done, such as those liver levels. Talk to the doctor about your drinking. (I know this is a hard step, but I can't tell you how much of a relief it was to do this). Taking beginning steps like this helps project you into the direction of the next step.
2. Find an outpatient program for substance abuse. And here I can add some particular advice: make sure you have a good rapport with your counselor, if not, keep looking and keep asking for one you feel comfortable with. (I went through three before the chemistry was right.....)
Discuss any possible medication with the clinic doctor. A regular MD is probably not going to prescribe anything like antibuse or Campral, that is usually done via an outpatient program.
3. Start going to AA meetings. OR, find secular alternatives to AA.
Taking those steps took a while and I had a few relapses on the way, but at least I felt like I was on a straight and narrow path towards a positive goal instead of just going in the same drunken, repetitive circle I was plodding along in everyday.
I know AA meetings can turn people off, but what I have learned is that there are no two AA meetings that are the same. I went to one last week that I didn't like much, but I have several others to choose from. Some meetings are too large for me. I've never returned to one because it was too ritualized, another was too small. Yes, it is a little like goldilocks and the three bears.
good luck on your journey to recovery: everyone's experience is a little different. Next time you are at a work-related event with lots of alcohol, keep in mind there are probably more than a handful of recovered alcoholics there drinking water or sodas, and it hasn't stopped them from attending....
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