littlefish

Happy Halloween.
But, I feel like it is anything but “happy”. I realized this morning that maybe I acted like a “dry drunk” yesterday. I spent the day looking for jobs on the internet, but I looked for jobs exactly the way I used to look for work when I was drinking: looking for the wrong jobs, not really developing a plan or a strategy, just spinning my wheels and becoming depressed and exasperated. The end result was feeling like I beat myself up in the process: looking for inappropriate jobs that would ultimately make me miserable...... then think I was not qualified for them anyway. Punch, punch, punch.

Then, I was consuming like a drunk! Eating candy, cake, ice cream all day, high carb foods, (!!!!!!!) no regular meals, eating between meals, eating at the wrong time of day. I skipped my morning yoga session. Then, I was puffing away in the back yard several times, sneaking cigarettes in a sneaky way, like I used to sneak drinks: being in the garage, or, hiding behind it, or standing in the shadows after the sun went down, so nobody would see me. I have a few cigarette butts to pick up out there. Yelled at the boys and lost my temper several times during the day. Banked out on the sofa in the evening and waited to enjoy the entertainment, but the fun never happened. Punch, punch, punch.

I guess there you have it: the dry drunk.
I guess I didn’t really THINK sober yesterday. I reverted to all my alcoholic thought patterns.

I don’t have any cravings at this moment to drink. That is because I am relatively unstressed. Stress is my personal trigger for alcohol. I am however feeling lost and just packed with anxiety. I swear: I woke up this morning feeling like I had a whopping hangover! Same crazy emotions.

I know I need to start dismantling the system in my brain that is based on the alcoholic style of thinking. It's still there. It’s not going to be easy to do that. The system has been in place for 30 years and is a heavy, complicated structure, thoroughly cemented and welded into place. It won’t be easy to remove.

Well, I started out by making a list of things to do today and I am going to STICK to them. I am also going to take time to refer to some of my AA literature and my HP literature for at least 40 minutes today. I am also going to my Friday AA meeting in the evening. First thing on the list is to find a new way of looking for work that is not the same as all my old patterns.
Wish me luck.

CarolD

Hmm...
I found an interesting job...completely out of my
usual field....by talking about my need to AA members.

Actually...I had 3 to choose from...all AA networked.
Sooo...
I suggest you attend lots of different meetings
go early and stay late to see what is available...

It's good to know you are making positive
changes from yesterdays mistake.

Taking5

When I get out of sorts like that I'll go to the first AA meeting that I can get to. I like going to different meetings anyway.

Rusty Zipper

lf, as carol mentioned...

by putting it out at a few meetings (come early stay late)

i have found some good employment...

that old song...

How dry I Am, How dry I Am...

i try not to push that button in the Juke Box anymore...