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Old 10-30-2008, 04:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Letting Go


I have such a hard time forgiving myself. Right now, I'm debating whether or not I should hang out with a girlfriend tomorrow and give out halloween candy. I haven't seen or talked to her for a while, but she left me a message inviting me (I'm sure after hearing from my other girlfriend that I was depressed). The reason why I hestitate is because of shame over some stuff I did over the summer. I went on a platonic vacation with a guy I used to work with and things went horribly wrong. I did some things I'm not proud of and which he had every right to be angry with me about. Although, he reacted to me in a very passive aggressive fashion and turned out to be a huge baby...but I digress. I ended up reacting to the stress of the situation by drinking and trying to hide my drinking from him. I'm not sure if he knew I was drunk because I don't speak to him anymore. I also don't work at the same place anymore, and I having this feeling that everyone there thinks I'm a huge f* up.

So, how does this relate to my friend? Well, she still works at the old place and I'm sure she's heard all about how badly I acted. Basically, I know she doesn't care but the opinions of the rest of the people I used to work with still hover in my mind and control my actions. Okay, as I wrote that i realized how stupid it is. And I also know that what I 'assume' everyone is feeling towards me is really just what I think about myself. I hate that I automatically think that everyone thinks I'm a f*up and that they gossip negatively about me. I hate that even if they do, that I care and let it effect how I act. I really need to learn how to forgive myself. I sat here earlier and thought "How would my life be different if I automatically thought everyone thought I was great rather than a f*up?" I hope to get there one day.

Last edited by ClimbingUP; 10-30-2008 at 04:31 PM. Reason: took out my curse words
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Old 10-30-2008, 04:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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(((climbingup))) It is hardest to forgive ourselves, but forgive ourselves we must. Just change the future and accept the past for what it is, the past. Glad you posted and hope there's a lot more support coming your way. You have mine.
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Old 10-30-2008, 04:21 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I have the same problem. I know in my head I can only live in today, not tomorrow or yesterday, but in my heart I'm still dragging around my 'Moby Dick' of regrets and failures and shame.

I'm working on it, every day, but since it's a habit I've had since a teen I imagine it will take some time to undo it and learn self-forgiveness.

YOu're not alone. Maybe just concentrate on treating the little trick-or-treaters and not on what she 'might' think.

:ghug3
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Old 10-30-2008, 04:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Your post made me smile because you stated your problem and then you went on to give a really good response.

I think you have it all figured out! Go out with your friend and have fun!
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Old 10-30-2008, 04:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 51anna View Post
Your post made me smile because you stated your problem and then you went on to give a really good response.

Years of therapy have left me with the gift of being able to see all of my problems quite clearly. Painfully so!! Well, since being able to recognize it is the first step towards changing it, I'm going in the right direction!
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Old 10-30-2008, 04:45 PM   #6 (permalink)
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If she invited you it might benefit you to go. Don't dwell on what you think the reasons are....regardless of what they may be. We all have those things in our past that make for "oh my God" moments but it does not serve us to dwell on them. You have to forgive yourself first and then have the others forgive you later. Forgiving yourself first allows YOU to heal and then deal with those others (whether they forgive you or not). At least you will have already healed yourself. Hope that makes some sense?
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