Toomutch

flutter - I would love to go for coffee, I will send you a PM

V - thank you for the suggestions, and for caring.

Thanks2HP - I think we may be on a similar diet... I am sorry to here of your struggles - PM me if ever you want to talk.

Thanks Felly, you put a smile on my face.

Kathleen - try not to minimize your struggles, whatever kind of struggles you have are important. I appreciate you reaching out when you are un-happy too.

Ksplash - yes I have had these same type of feelings throughout my life. I am on anti depressants. This bout with depression has been going on since my son was diagnosed with JRA in August.

Astro - thank you for your reply - I am invisioning all of the hugs, prayers, well wishes and love inside a great big crate. That lifted my mood up a bit.

Aw - I think I found that support right here on SR.

Jomey - thank you for caring, you have always been there for me.

Bruce - You have a good attitude - I will try my hardest to stay out of the negative.

Dee74

Sorry you're sick Suzette

I've been dealing with much the same thing recently - I've felt stupid and useless and a burden and unworthy too.

If I've learnt anything from my break, it's that I can only do my best at any given time. That means readjusting my expectations some days - which I still don't like doing - I want to save the world and be Superman - but, some days? my body is just not up to the task.

I dunno how you might look at it, but I'm trying to find the lesson in it all - for me, I try to look at it as a lesson in humility - some folks might argue I need it LOL

hugs
D

least

I understand a lot of what you're going thru. It's hard to like ourselves when we're coming out of a Bad Place. But like ourselves we must, or we're not fully recovering.

I like the idea of focusing on one thing you can do each day. And if you can't pick just one, write the things on slips of paper, put them in a bowl, and close your eyes and grab one!

Hugs and prayers for your peace and health.

:ghug3

Aysha

Hope your feeling better.

SlvrMag

I can relate.

I feel like I can't gather enough energy to clean my living room.
I don't have sex with my husband anymore (who works very hard AND makes dinner)
I feel like a failure as a mother, today my son was an hour late for school because I overslept...I DID have a migraine, but still.
I wish I was still the energetic, happy, working mom that I used to be but without the drugs. I know, I know, was I REALLY happy? Well, I wasn't SAD...at least I don't think I was.

Serenidad

HI- Wow, do you sound depressed.

Well, first I want to say that I will say an extra prayer for you tonight.

Do you see a counselor or psychiatrist? Do you go to AA? Do you need to change or increase anti-depressants?

Just a few questions. What ever you do, don't drink. That will just make everything worse!!!

As far as your son is concerned, having JRA may not be the worst thing that could happen to him. Out of bad, often comes a lot of good. It is NOT your fault that he has JRA, it is God's will and I know about JRA and he will be ok.

I have MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and it has turned out to be a blessing believe it or not. My little brother was diagnosed with JD (Juvenile Diabetes) when he was 2 and now he is 15 and he is doing great.

Do you believe in God or have a higher power? Do you meditate?

I really hope you feel better! :ghug2

four812

Suzette,

awsome how you responded to everyone, individually....

Now that i understand you a little more....i want to say first off how wonderful you are. and thank you for the inspiration that you give to me and to others.

You are part of the world of people, recovery people, who are trying and learning and practicing to become a better person. You are suceeding in this.

it doesn't always feel good. and those times are not desireable for me either. and it's been your time (I guess) for the not feeling good.

You can do this, and grow, and walk/crawl through this dark moment, and find yourself back in the light. YOU will do this.

thanks for being you

dave47

You and all your family in my prayers Suzette,
take care.

Toomutch

Gallbladder resuts are still processing. I went to the Rheumatoigist this morning and he said he still believes fibromyalia is the only autoimmune illness I suffer from but believes I am spiraling downward withe the fibro. and depression.
I took my original post on this thread for hime to read, he was quite concerned and asked me if I had any thought of hurting myself and I answered honestly with a yes. He set me up an appt. with a psychiatrist for 2:30 this afternoon.
I have a quetion? I know I cant ask for medical advise but has anyone here ever experienced worthless thoughts and then been hopitalized, or just a change of meds and sent home?
I have been having random thought like everyone would be better without me, driving my car off the road etc..
I was hospitalized in 1998 and kept on suicide precautions for 13 days.
I am afraid to mention these things because I don't want to be hospitalized.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Astro

At a month sober I walked into an emergency room and told them I was having suicidal ideations (putting a plan together). From there I was taken to a behavioral center for evaluations, I spent two days there, was given anti-depressants and taken to recovery meetings. When they released me I was advised to attend AA meetings and take the 12 Steps. That experience turned out to be one of the smartest things I ever did. It reaffirmed that I was an alcoholic and needed the help of a recovery program.

I went to meetings every day but blew off working the Steps, 4 months later I was ready to end my life again. Someone was watching over me, I found myself at another AA meeting, and I met the people who got me started on my path to recovery. That's how I came to believe in a Higher Power greater than myself.

Suzette, if you're having these thoughts please please call the Samaritans, one of your SR friends, or a suicide hotline. Read this too http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html

adore79

Hi Suz. Seeing a pdoc might be a great thing for you, I am glad you are getting help. I would say be completely honest with him/her about how you are feeling and what your thoughts are. First off, explain to him/her that you do not want to be hospitalized. But you also dont want to downplay how bad you are feeling. You can say anything you want to a pdoc, it is completely confidential and you wont be judged. Good luck :ghug3

Astro

I post this on occasion, doing it again for anyone who has thoughts of suicide........

Friday, July 25, 2008
You are reading from the book Touchstones

Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more. And we also once. Never again. But this having been once, although only once, to have been of the earth, seems irrevocable.
--Rainer Maria Rilke

In the hopelessness of addiction and codependency, and as children of addicts, some of us have considered suicide, and some of us have actually tried to kill ourselves. We have maintained the option as an escape in case life got too difficult. Now, in recovery, we have chosen life. We've stopped killing ourselves in the slow ways of our old behaviors, yet some of us hold on to our ace in the hole. Either consciously or unconsciously, we haven't made that unconditional commitment to life.

It may be one firmer step into recovery - a vote for the life we have been given - to say, "I will never choose suicide. Whatever comes my way, it is not an option for me." When we give up that one final controlling maneuver, we may find ourselves freer to live in this one irretrievable life we've been given.

In choosing to be totally on the side of life, I step further into the care of God. Whatever 1 must meet, God is with me.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

Horselover

Suzette - Do WHATEVER is necessary to take care of yourself. I hope they hospitalize you if that is what is necessary to save you. I hope they change your medicine if that is what it takes. Let go and let God for now hon. Don't worry about your family, your friends or anybody but yourself right now. You need any and all help God can lead you to. I hope you don't question, but just take his hand. Love you and praying for you!!!!

Impurrfect

(((Suzette)))

I'm glad you're seeing a psychiatrist today. I know you don't WANT to be hospitalized, but maybe that's what you need.

You are such a compassionate, caring person, I just want you to get back to where YOU see the good in you that we all see.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Dee74

hugs and prayers (((Suzette)))

D

Astro

I have to admit that there are still times when I consider that "ace in the hole", finding a way when life gets difficult or I feel "less than".

At those times I know it's more important than ever to get to a meeting, reach out for support, call a friend in the program, whatever it takes to get the help I need NOW!

Hevyn

Suzette, you are cared about and loved so much by your friends here. You've helped us with your words & the support you've given. You are coping with so much right now - being down is normal until you figure out a way to swing with all these changes. I know you grow tired of being "strong" and resilient. It does get old at times & we feel like giving up the fight. I know you won't - you'll rise above this and come shining through. Sending prayers up for a brighter day for you.

Jomey

((((Suzette)))) I hope and pray you will feel better soon and that the answer to what you need will come clear and that you will be ok with it.

Love
Jomey

least

For what it's worth, even on my best days I think of suicide at least once, as if to make sure I can still fantasize about that escape. What keeps me from acting on it is that I know I cannot and will not abandon my dogs. If that sounds selfish to not put my kids above the fate of my dogs, it's because the kids have another parent who would take them and love them - my dogs only have me.

But it's enough to keep me alive, one day at a time. I beg you to find someone or something to keep you alive, even if it's just Hope and nothing more tangible than that. I understand your feelings and can only hope you feel better and that your visit with the pdoc was helpful. PM me if you want to talk. I can listen as energetically as I can talk!

:ghug3

Aysha

In all honesty Suzette. And thats the first time I have used your name. Because this hits me real close.
Everything you said about the thoughts...I thought exactly the same thing last year.
I would be driving down the road and just hit the gas and want to jerk the wheel and I would see myself flying off the road and flipping and crashing. And just some really disturbing things.
I always thought everyone would be better off without me. After all..All I did was cause misery and pain and problems for my grams and worry.
I cant tell you how many ways I have imagined my own demise.
And sometimes I would just think about just running away and never coming back or letting anyone know where I was. So they wouldnt have to deal with my BS anymore.
On May 19th 2007...I decided I would do them the favor and be done with myself. For them and me. I couldnt do it anymore.
And I got so tired of facing my family..especially my grams..Looking into her eyes for the millionth time. Sorry doesnt mean anything anymore.
I wont get into what all I did. As it is very graphic and I honestly have no idea why I am still here breathing and typing to you as I am now.
But I saw what My perception of what I thought would be a better way for them to be wothout me REALLY did to them.
I will NEVER..and I mean NEVER..forget the look on my grams face when they found me.
I dont remember anything at all except that. And her shaking histerical voice saying..what did you do??!!! What did you do!!!
She still cant even talk about it with me to this day.
Anyway...What I thought was doing them a favor.In my sick mind..was exactly the opposite.
I would have killed her too.
I know she would not recover fully from that if I would have succeeded.
I learned that not only was I hurting..But they were too. And for me to do something like that..It would have had a lifetime of pain and misery..questions..guilt on their part.
While I took the cowards way out.
Leaving them to deal with even more pain.
I know I am rambling..And probably not making sense right about now.
But my point is...Theres always a way.
And as much as I felt useless and as much as I felt I was more of a problem to my family than anything.
I was so wrong.
I am sorry it took me to go that far to relize it.
I have not and will not ever think like that again.
I couldnt leave my grams with that on her shoulders. And to me..I was being selfish by doing what I did.
We all have our moments. And sometimes it lasts alot longer than we would like.
But it does pass. And it does take some work.
And it will hurt for awhile. But it is worth it...You are worth it..Your family is worth it.
Get help Suzette. Please dont let these htoughts go unaddressed.
They dont go away if you dont seek help.
It will build and grow and eat you up.
I dont want you to find out the hard way.
You are such a beautiful..intelligent..caring person. You have a huge heart.
I am willing to believe in you..I do believe in you...Please believe in yourself and try to see what everyone here sees.
You have alot of people here that care a whole lot about you.
And from what you tell us..You have some great kids that need their mom.
You might be sad and hurting right now..But you are there and there is still hope.
You cant take death back.There is no do overs with that.
I am sorry this is so long and I am rambling. But I am sad to see such a wonderful person hurting like that.
I am praying for you.