I'm Here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Toronto
Posts: 2
I'm Here
October 14th
The touch of cold smooth something on my cheek, the feeling of wetness, so basic was my thought. I slowly wake, gaining more bodily sensations, cold and sweat, trembling, trembling so much, cramps, the pain. Waking up to utter exhaustion, mind turning, thinking, 'where... where am I', 'I recognize this place, my bathroom'. Mind turning, whirling, swirling, 'why... why am I like this?'. Flood, a flood of emotion, anger, so much anger, then to loss, 'how much I've lost', 'what have I given up?', then tears...
I woke up, I lay there in my bathroom, I cried in my bathroom, I puked in my bathroom, I dragged myself to the shower and I washed, I cleaned, so hot, for so long, until the hot was no more. I dressed, I drank a coke and I crashed on the couch.
Over the next five days I did much of the same as I did that day, sleep, puke, crap, shave, wash, drink, eat, bury my face in a pillow to squelch my moans of discomfort.
October 29 - Today
Today I'm scared, scared that I've ruined what life I had, scared to change, scared to take the step towards something unknown, scared just to leave my apartment, scared that if I mess my life up again I might die, scared to face people
and now for some reason I'm here.
I think I'm here to ask how, how do I change, how do I take the next step, how do I face people. The sad truth is I'm living in limbo right now, I feel it would be really easy to start using, but there's so much negative emotion associated with that, I want to move away from it, run if I could, if only I had the legs to do so.
A little more than a hello my name is... but thats just the way I am.
Cheers to you who've read through this.
The touch of cold smooth something on my cheek, the feeling of wetness, so basic was my thought. I slowly wake, gaining more bodily sensations, cold and sweat, trembling, trembling so much, cramps, the pain. Waking up to utter exhaustion, mind turning, thinking, 'where... where am I', 'I recognize this place, my bathroom'. Mind turning, whirling, swirling, 'why... why am I like this?'. Flood, a flood of emotion, anger, so much anger, then to loss, 'how much I've lost', 'what have I given up?', then tears...
I woke up, I lay there in my bathroom, I cried in my bathroom, I puked in my bathroom, I dragged myself to the shower and I washed, I cleaned, so hot, for so long, until the hot was no more. I dressed, I drank a coke and I crashed on the couch.
Over the next five days I did much of the same as I did that day, sleep, puke, crap, shave, wash, drink, eat, bury my face in a pillow to squelch my moans of discomfort.
October 29 - Today
Today I'm scared, scared that I've ruined what life I had, scared to change, scared to take the step towards something unknown, scared just to leave my apartment, scared that if I mess my life up again I might die, scared to face people
and now for some reason I'm here.
I think I'm here to ask how, how do I change, how do I take the next step, how do I face people. The sad truth is I'm living in limbo right now, I feel it would be really easy to start using, but there's so much negative emotion associated with that, I want to move away from it, run if I could, if only I had the legs to do so.
A little more than a hello my name is... but thats just the way I am.
Cheers to you who've read through this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by Manabozho 
I think I'm here to ask how, how do I change, how do I take the next step, how do I face people. The sad truth is I'm living in limbo right now, I feel it would be really easy to start using, but there's so much negative emotion associated with that, I want to move away from it, run if I could, if only I had the legs to do so.
Do you have a plan for your recovery? Have you considered AA or another program? We don't do this alone so please reach out for support, it's free (you've already paid a very high price) and there are plenty of people willing to help. I found a life in the 12 Steps of AA, it freed me from the wreckage of my past and it's given me a life I only dreamed of having when I drank.
Glad you're here!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi,
I'm glad you found us!
Addiction takes away a lot and leaves us full of guilt and shame and sadness. But, you can move forward. Try to stay in the moment, as I think it can be a bit overwhelming if you start thinking long-term. Face people with your head held high. You have a disease and you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. I had to make a lot of changes in early recovery. Some people in my life were toxic to me and they had to go. It was a huge surprise to me, that when they left my life, other wonderful people entered my life. Have faith!
I'm glad you found us!
Addiction takes away a lot and leaves us full of guilt and shame and sadness. But, you can move forward. Try to stay in the moment, as I think it can be a bit overwhelming if you start thinking long-term. Face people with your head held high. You have a disease and you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. I had to make a lot of changes in early recovery. Some people in my life were toxic to me and they had to go. It was a huge surprise to me, that when they left my life, other wonderful people entered my life. Have faith!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 281
Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!!!!
I have only been sober for 10 days. On day one I never thought I would make it a few days, let alone 10. This amazing site has offered so much for me... I assure you it can do so much for you too. So keep coming back, keep posting! We are here for you!
I have only been sober for 10 days. On day one I never thought I would make it a few days, let alone 10. This amazing site has offered so much for me... I assure you it can do so much for you too. So keep coming back, keep posting! We are here for you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
Posts: 16
Hi Manabozho
That was an amazing, poetic and evocative post. As I read through it I was right there with you, through all of it, including the uncertainty and ambivalence you are feeling now. I totally relate to the limbo place, that's where I am now too. I have been going in and out of using and limbo for the past few years.
Before that, at one point I was in recovery for a year. How I got there, was rehab, meetings and being terrified of the consequences if I used again.
But I am in a whole different place now, and I'm not sure if even that combo would work on me now, but I think there are different routes we can take.
I'm not one of those people who believes AA and NA to be the be all and end all when it come to recovery, but if you haven't tried meetings yet, then that would be a good place to start, and try going to a few before you make a decision whether or not to keep going. A lot of people advocate 90 meetings in 90 days to get you started - I dont know if that's necessary but I'd say to aim for at least 3-4 a week for the first few weeks, then if you hear some stuff you relate to and would like to have what the people who are doing well have, ask about getting a sponsor, and talk to them about working the steps, as it was when I did these things that I started to feel good about life again (at the time).
I wish peace of mind for you.
A Bodecia
That was an amazing, poetic and evocative post. As I read through it I was right there with you, through all of it, including the uncertainty and ambivalence you are feeling now. I totally relate to the limbo place, that's where I am now too. I have been going in and out of using and limbo for the past few years.
Before that, at one point I was in recovery for a year. How I got there, was rehab, meetings and being terrified of the consequences if I used again.
But I am in a whole different place now, and I'm not sure if even that combo would work on me now, but I think there are different routes we can take.
I'm not one of those people who believes AA and NA to be the be all and end all when it come to recovery, but if you haven't tried meetings yet, then that would be a good place to start, and try going to a few before you make a decision whether or not to keep going. A lot of people advocate 90 meetings in 90 days to get you started - I dont know if that's necessary but I'd say to aim for at least 3-4 a week for the first few weeks, then if you hear some stuff you relate to and would like to have what the people who are doing well have, ask about getting a sponsor, and talk to them about working the steps, as it was when I did these things that I started to feel good about life again (at the time).
I wish peace of mind for you.
A Bodecia
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
Your first post was amazing...I like the way you write.
I'm a recovering crack addict and have almost 20 months clean. I can honestly say that SR, and the great people here, have been a HUGE part of that recovery.
I never experienced physical withdrawals, but the mental ones were brutal. There are a lot of people here to offer their ES&H (expereience, strength and hope), so jump right in. Read, post, get to know us and let us get to know you...it's an awesome thing to know you're not alone.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Your first post was amazing...I like the way you write.
I'm a recovering crack addict and have almost 20 months clean. I can honestly say that SR, and the great people here, have been a HUGE part of that recovery.
I never experienced physical withdrawals, but the mental ones were brutal. There are a lot of people here to offer their ES&H (expereience, strength and hope), so jump right in. Read, post, get to know us and let us get to know you...it's an awesome thing to know you're not alone.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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