AlexHarrison

I started this god i dont know when as days and weeks are a bit out of my radar at the moment but basically i have been on here clean and now i'm not clean again. I have been an addict for over 15 years and the last three and a half of them have been in a relationship with a woman i love more than myself (which isn't hard!) and its been rocky to say the least. I said again i wouldn't use again and i did twice in the last couple of days one a three day binge and the other i used and then stopped myself buying any so that was something. But i feel now like i need to change but need to do it alone and it hurts so much doing that. I feel like i need to let her go and its awful. I'm at a point where i want to die but i'm too much of a coward to do anything about it, at least drugs are to thank for that. I dont expect any replies and i really dont want any prayers i just wanted to write down how i feel and thats all. Thankyou.

Ananda

ANGELINA243

Glad you decided to come here Alex....welcome back! You don't have to do this alone. I learned early on that I couldn't recover by myself. I can't but together we can. If this girlfriend continues to use and doesn't want to stop--well, you may have to consider what is more important...and make a decision. I couldn't get/stay clean while hanging around others who were still using. I hope you both find recovery--but it all starts with a "desire". Without that "desire" we are doomed. it sounds like you do have a desire--otherwise I don't think you would have come back. Hang in there! Keep posting....we do recover! You are not alone.

AlexHarrison

Oh no no no she doesn't use thats the thing! She is co dependant completley and stuck with a druggy boyfriend. I have just told her i think we should split up but whether i can carry it through i dont know i'm just hurting her all the time.

Ananda

Alex...glad you see that the problem isn't just about using/drinking friends. I had to distance my self from many people in my life to get sober, not because they drank or used but because the relationships were not benificial to me or to them.

Some of those relationships were able to be reestablished later, others had to be left behind.

Do the best you can to clear your life as you need to in order to get and stay clean/sober. Although sometimes I hurt people doing this....it was still what had to be done.

:ghug

ANGELINA243

:sorry I misread your original post. Please excuse me for that. Yes, codependency is tough...and I understand that you don't want to hurt her anymore. Right now though--your recovery must come first. I can't make a suggestion whether to stay or go--as far as the relationship--that is up to you. It sounds like she has issues she should probably get help for as well--you mentioned codependency--if you two do end up staying together. Do you have a support group--Alex? (outside of SR--I mean) Have you considered going to any meetings to see if that might help? Just don't give up...as long as you don't give up--you have an opportunity to get better.

Pelican

Your relationship of 3 1/2 years doesn't have to be resolved today.
Today, focus on you. You need/want to stay clean. Focus your energy there for today.

One thing at a time.

least

I agree, focus on your recovery first. The relationship can be continued or ended, but get yourself clean first. When you're free of the drugs/alcohol or whatever you're using, your thinking may be a bit clearer.

Anna

Hi Alex,

You can get clean and there is always hope!

Try to stay focused on your recovery and moving forward. Make that your priority. The rest will fall into place.