so i got this friend...
 

so I've been in the program for almost a year. I recently went back out and was having a hard time regaining my footing. I relapsed with someone in the program and while I came clean to the group about my sobriety, she chose not to. I'm back at 37 days today. I respect whatever she feels she gotta do-it's her program, but her 1-year "anniversary" is coming up and I'm not comfortable being a part of that. We share homegroups and usually attend most of the same meetings. I love her dearly, and maybe it's my self-centeredness that keeps me just a little bit angry that I've had to start over while she continues on like nothing happened. i was wondering what i could say to her as the reason I'm not celebrating with her, without hurting her feelings or losing her friendship?

Hi,

Welcome!

I'm not anAA person, but I have learned that being honest is very important to my recovery. I've also learned to be non-judgemental. Focus on your recovery and be true to yourself.

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Hi Carebear and welcome to SR . . .

I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I'm not sure I would want to remain friends with someone who isn't truthful about their sobriety. You came clean and you have good reason to be proud of that . . . as hard as it is to deal with.

I think I would tell your friend exactly what you've said here . . . . "I really like you a lot but I'm having some trouble dealing with the fact that your celebration isn't truthful. I hope you'll understand why I won't be able to join you for your celebration. I don't plan on letting that stand in the way of our friendship and I hope you won't either."

I think Harley said it nicely. You can be honest with her without being hurtful or sounding like you're accusing her of anything. Just make sure you use feeling statements ("I don't feel comfortable with this" or "I'm having trouble dealing with this" instead of "You shouldn't be celebrating a year when you relapsed with me").

I totally understand why you feel the way you do. I also don't think it needs to cause any problems. You've already stated that it's her program and she can work it how she wants... you're just choosing not to celebrate an "anniversary" with her. It was her choice not to admit the relapse; it is totally your choice not to celebrate with her. As long as you're not badmouthing her to other people. ;)

Good luck.