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Okay I think its time...

Old 10-24-2008, 02:51 AM
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Okay I think its time...

Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum. I have made the decision to stop drinking... I know its not going to be easy but it has to be done.

First, a little background on me. I'm 24 years old, I've been drinking since I was 17 - heavily off and on since I got my own place when I turned 20 - I was doing massive amounts of psychedelics (mostly unconventional stuff - research chemicals, cough syrup and the like with some acid and mushrooms mixed in), ecstasy... you get the idea.

I have stopped everything but the occasional ecstasy (once a month or two at the most) and drinking... which has ballooned out of control.

I'm on 2mg a day of Xanax for panic disorder which complicates things. 1mg is a single 1mg XR tablet, then a .5mg standard release mid-late day and another .5 before bed.

I didn't realize just how bad my drinking has become until about a week ago when I realized that in 30 days I spent almost 400 dollars on alcohol - mostly beer (and some food admittedly) at the local bar... Generally I'd spend about 20 bucks a night and more if I ordered food for the mega size, which I believe is like 32 ounces or something. I have no idea how I let it get so out of control. Boredom maybe. Most likely stress at work (I work in a call center sales department and its extremely stressful). Who knows? Whatever the reason, I've gotten out of control.

Here's what happened today. I haven't drank since Tuesday and both Monday and Tuesday I consumed about a third of what I normally would consume when I drink. I felt like crap yesterday (Wednesday since I haven't gone to bed yet) and was really anxious and just felt nasty. Got off work and was driving down I-70 and was so close to going back to the bar... Came home and tried to chill out. I was so anxious, had a funny taste in my mouth, started chain-smoking like crazy... Ended up popping a Xanax to mellow out and then another one before bed. So fast forward to today. First thing in the morning, I was anxious as hell. I took my XR on the way to work when I normally wait til about 2 hours after I get there... that wasn't enough so I took another .5mg regular. Got to work and proceeded to hit full on panic mode for about 15 minutes.

I finally got ahold of myself enough to walk to my desk and log in to the phone and eventually the Xanax calmed me down to normal levels and I even got a bit sleepy.

Here's where things got really weird though. I went to bathroom before lunch and I felt like the floor was moving and got dizzy. I've never had vertigo before but it felt like the floor was moving right underneath me... I went into the cafeteria and sat down thinking "what the hell is going on" and it just kept getting worse... I took another Xanax and I made it through the day.

After lunch was over, I started talking to a coworker about her alcohol addiction and detox and realized that I am most likely a borderline if not full-on alcoholic. I started doing research online and found out that the symptoms I was experiencing are common with moderate alcohol abuse.

The thing is... it says that for situations like mine, they'll basically just give me benzodiazepines anyway.

I had bloodwork done recently and there is nothing even so much as hinting that I've royally messed myself up.

Is there really a need for me to go through a detox? Its already been two days.

My big thing is that
a) I don't have the sick time at work to do a detox and I can't afford to get in trouble
b) Taking my Xanax seems to mitigate the symptoms
c) I don't have the money to pay for a full detox program.

I am fairly sure that I can make it through this on my own but I want opinions from people who've done it. I've kicked addictions that were pretty severe in the past without paying the extremely negative consequences (I kicked caffeine, ephedrine, and a number of psychedelic research chemicals all at the same time) and overall, I've got a very strong body - my doctor couldn't find a single thing to fuss at me about when he did my physical and my family medical history is insanely horrible - its the mind that's the problem.


I'm honestly starting to think that my panic disorder IS my drinking... I always thought it was my smoking... but I think the smoking just exacerbates the problem while the drinking is the underlying fuel to the fire.

Any help is appreciated. And sorry for such a long-winded post. I am just new to this territory.

By the way, I went and bought a time release B100 supplement today. I was feeling pretty crappy and took one and it calmed me down quite a bit within 15-20 minutes so I think I'll take one of those each night too.

Thanks for all your help,
Robert
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:05 AM
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I had major anxiety also while drinking. I thought I was drinking to quiet the anxiety but have come to find that drinking was the root of the problem.

Anxiety is a symtom of early alcoholism.

Glad you have decided to help yourself.

My best to you,

BA
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:08 AM
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Yeah for awhile, I thought the drinking was helping the anxiety... then I finally realized that what was helping it was the fact I was popping xanax at some point in my drinking so I didn't have a panic attack...

Have any advice for me? This is going to be really difficult. If I come clean to my doctor about my drinking habits, he might pull my Xanax and then I'll really be screwed as I've been on it since 2004... Something tells me the withdrawals from that will be much worse than the alcohol withdrawals since I don't drink alcohol every day but taken xanax multiple times a day... I just can't chance that.
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:17 AM
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I have quite a bit of experience with psychedelics and MDMA, etc. type stuff myself. The good thing, (and this is my personal opinion only) is most of the stuff in that class isn't terribly addictive. It is however *really* really* bad for you.

Haven't touched most of that stuff in a while, but like you, drinking has become my nemesis. There are a couple good common sayings that might apply to you. One being that if you think you might be an alcoholic, you probably are.

I'd recommend checking out the forums and what many other people have posted. See if any of that resonates with you. You've come to a good place for support and answers.
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:19 AM
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come clean with your doctor may be a good idea...

if youre detoxing and can't take time off of work the doctor may have a solution. it may be something else besides xanax.

if you keep doing what you're doing then you may end up losing your job anyways, so you could bring it up with your employer. a future option. the employer may embrace your recovery and support you taking time off to detox in a rehab or hospital setting.

do you really want advise?

do you really want to quit?

have you had enough pain?

rehtorical questions for you
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Old 10-24-2008, 03:25 AM
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I have quite a bit of experience with psychedelics and MDMA, etc. type stuff myself. The good thing, (and this is my personal opinion only) is most of the stuff in that class isn't terribly addictive. It is however *really* really* bad for you.

Haven't touched most of that stuff in a while, but like you, drinking has become my nemesis. There are a couple good common sayings that might apply to you. One being that if you think you might be an alcoholic, you probably are.

I'd recommend checking out the forums and what many other people have posted. See if any of that resonates with you. You've come to a good place for support and answers.
Yeah alcoholism runs in my family - my mother is a borderline and my grandfather and grandmother used to be binge drinkers. We're Irish and German... The drinking goes WAY back.

I have a very addictive personality... I got addicted to a lot of things that aren't normally addictive - a perfect example is that I had about a year and a half bottle to two bottles of Robitussin Maximum Strength Cough a day addiction. I can't say I ever became physically dependent on MDMA but I'm still psychologically addicted to it and can't seem to let that go. Hell its been about 6 years since I stopped using Robitussin and I still crave it. Fortunately for me on that one though, it got to the point where no matter how much I took all it did was jack up my vision and make me sick to my stomach so that was an addiction that basically dissolved itself.

I've been reading some of the things on here and some really scares me... like the stories about people's detoxes. Being that I'm already on day two though I don't think I'm going to hit anything near that severe. I'm definitely going to need some support though. I've basically replaced everything in my life with alcohol. I know I'm an alcoholic, I just don't want to admit it. At the same time though, you can't really fight it if you never come to terms with it, can you?

come clean with your doctor may be a good idea...

if youre detoxing and can't take time off of work the doctor may have a solution. it may be something else besides xanax.

if you keep doing what you're doing then you may end up losing your job anyways, so you could bring it up with your employer. a future option. the employer may embrace your recovery and support you taking time off to detox in a rehab or hospital setting.

do you really want advise?

do you really want to quit?

have you had enough pain?

rehtorical questions for you
I'm just scared that my doctor might pull me off the Xanax entirely. If he does that, I know that I won't be able to function. I tried tapering myself off of it and it was utter hell. I had the worst panic attack of my life after just a 1/4 pill reduction in dose... that's how hooked I am on it.

My employer has support programs available for alcohol abuse... its not really affecting my work life other than the panic attacks but I have FMLA for that. Its not like I'm drinking on the job or coming in drunk so I don't see myself getting terminated but I see your point. Unfortunately, its a corporate environment and corporate rules supercede everything else. By corporate rules, I can face termination for running out of sick time.

I do want to quit or I wouldn't be here. I'm a Libra. I'm stubborn as hell. I won't admit that I'm in a bad spot unless I'm really serious about changing it.
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Old 10-24-2008, 06:32 AM
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Getting and staying sober is a great goal
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Old 10-24-2008, 08:40 PM
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So I had a really rough day today. Work was slammed and I was under a lot of stress. I finally had a panic attack that was so bad I thought I was going to have a seizure. I was shaking uncontrollably, my heart rate was astronomical...

Luckily I felt it coming on and had already popped a Xanax. I collapsed outside of my work restroom for about a minute and then the Xanax hit and I stumbled back to my desk where it came back and got worse. Popped another Xanax before I realized that I was starving. Started eating my chicken salad and immediately started to feel better.

I called the on-call doctor at my physician's office and explained what was going on. He said it sounds like my hypoglycemia got really aggravated along with a panic attack. He assured me that from the symptoms I described its highly unlikely I'm heading toward DTs but I'm not sure. I'm just going to take it easy tonight and relax in my room. If it gets out of control again, I'm going to go to the ER but he told me that its fine to just pop Xanax whenever I need to until I'm over this... He said its going to be easier to taper me off the Xanax than to be hospitalized and put through the paces there.

Its day 3. If I can just make it through the weekend, I should be done.

The urge to drink is definitely there and its definitely strong... though something tells me if I give into it, I'm going to go straight into seizures and DTs so I'm going to fight the urge to the end.
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Old 10-25-2008, 02:43 PM
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how r u doing today?
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Old 10-25-2008, 03:05 PM
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I hop you are doing ok today. I'm glad you have talked with your doctor. If you have a good working relationship it can really help to get through it. My dr. was extremely helpful. Try to stay on a steady meal plan with 5 or more small meals a day..that will help if you have trouble with blood sugar drops...and keeps some candy around too.
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Old 10-25-2008, 03:20 PM
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I'm glad you talked to your dr. and that you're doing well.

I'm an alcoholic and have never tried xanax. I've read enough stories here, over the years, to know that I never would try that drug. It seems so horribly addictive and so hard to stop using it. Hopefully your dr can give you some advice as to how to stop using the xanax.

I hope you keep posting and reading.
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Old 10-25-2008, 03:45 PM
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Alcohol and benzo's work on the same part of the brain which is why benzo's are used for alcohol detox. They are both very good anti anxiety medications.........in moderation. I'm speaking from personal experience from years of benzo/alcohol abuse as well as what doctors have told me. Eventually alcohol not only stopped working but began to make my anxiety worse. When stopping either one my anxiety and panic attacks became worse during detox stage (72 hours). You should talk to your doctor for sure. I can't imagine your doctor stopping your xanax prescription when he knows your body is dependent on them.

One thing to note here. Benzo's and alcohol are a very dangerous combination. Your heart can stop and you will die if you are not careful. Ask your doctor about it.

Medication is only half the treatment for anxiety. Do you also have a therapist?. I used to have panic attacks on and off all day everyday. I no longer take medication and I don't have problems with anxiety anymore. I understand what you are going through but you do have to go through it at some point. If you don't now it will only get worse and harder in the future. I'm not trying to scare you. For some of us it has to get worse before we are willing to stay sober. It takes what it takes.

If you have had enough and don't think you can stand it getting worse then I agree with you. I think it is time.
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Old 10-29-2008, 05:18 PM
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Sorry to take so long to update everyone.

I've now been sober since last Tuesday.

I have confirmed with my doctor that the episode that I had on Friday was definitely the onset of DTs, which he says are usually MUCH MUCH worse with those who were taking benzos and drinking alcohol at the same time. He did applaud me though at my response of taking more Xanax than I was supposed to because he basically told me I most likely saved my own life that day. With my hypoglycemia attacking at the same time as a panic attack AND seizure activity, my system most likely would have overloaded before they could even get me to the hospital.

That said, I feel great now. I still think "hey, I want a beer" every time I drive by the bar but its no longer this tugging that feels almost like someone grabbed my steering wheel and turned it onto the Wadsworth exit.

My doctor is also particularly amazed that I took 8 Xanax in one day (1mg of extended release and another 3.5mg in regular .5s) and dropped right back down to needing 4 the next day and am back to 3. He said normally the period of withdrawal is a lot longer than that and he said that's a sign I have a really healthy liver and GABA system even with all the drugs and alcohol that I've done.

Now I'm going to work on getting off the Xanax. I am going to start with a small dose of Valerian and GABA and slowly work it up while I taper off the Xanax. I think that combination could be just as effective as my Xanax is, without the negative side effects or risk of physical addiction. My doctor supports this but he wants me to be very careful about increasing the dose of Valerian, as it has been shown to have effects on the benzodiazepine receptors about equivalent to Valium.

I'm going to try it for a bit this weekend. No real risk since I'm off. He said worse case scenario, the combination knocks me out. He doesn't really think that I have any chance of ODing on the combination unless I take some really ridiculous dose of Valerian.

He wants me to start with the Valerian first and then add the GABA in very slowly because he seems to think that the GABA is going to have a profound influence on me - moreso than the Valerian.

So all in all, I feel much better. As a matter of fact, I haven't had a panic attack since that seizure incident on Friday, which is incredible, since I've suffered with them daily for as long as I can remember.

Oh and to answer the therapist question... No, I don't have one. I can't ever trust them. There's only ever been one that managed to get the true story out of me, the rest I just twirled around on my finger and made them think exactly what they wanted me to say.
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