Self-induced funk, or On rewarding ourselves
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yokohama, Japan
Posts: 487
Self-induced funk, or On rewarding ourselves
Hello all,
I feel more than a little weird posting about this. So many people here struggle with life problems that are extremely challenging without the added burden of dealing with recovery at the same time, and they stay so positive and strong. I've had my fair share of "trials by fire" before, but now my life is pretty calm and most people would love to trade their problems for my "problems". Anyway thanks for letting me whine in advance.
The one area of my life I'm really not satisfied with is I'm lacking a personal relationship. I would really like to be with someone to love and share with. Anyway, I've been chatting informally with some women on a web site and I met one woman last week. I thought things went well, but I haven't heard from her since. I'm not really upset about that, as it was a nice lunch and I know I didn't do anything stupid due to alcohol. So, I guess I'm trying to say I'm trying to recognize the parts of my life I want/need to improve and I'm trying to do something about them.
What I'm in a funk about, and again I feel guilty even discussing it, is that on Tuesday I saw my counselor who I started seeing to help me with recovery from alcohol. Anyway, some stuff boiled up out of me from an unknown place in my subconscious about my ex-wife (we divorced about 10 years ago) that surprised me as I thought I was over the situation completely. I'm trying to keep this short, so basically it was a very good session in the end and my counselor asked me what I was going to do after the session. I told her I was going xmas shopping for my family (when you're an expat and have to ship things by sea mail, you start early).
She then asked what I was going to do for myself. I truthfully didn't understand, and I was perplexed. She said it was OK for me to do something good and frivolous for myself, as a reward. I just hadn't thought about it, even though it sounded like an OK idea.
What I'm in a funk about is since that time 2 days ago, I can't think of a damn thing I can do to give myself a small reward. Nadda, zilch, buttkis (I don't know if that last one is spelled right). What is wrong with me? I don't think I'm a bad person, though I have my share of faults (who doesn't?). Emotionally, I know there's nothing wrong with giving myself a small "self-thank you", but intellectually, I can't help but think I don't deserve it, especially when so many here are struggling with so much more and maybe, for example, just hope for an hour of peace without anything to care about in the world.
Anyway, this is strange because I've never experienced this situation before. I know most of you probably want to just yell, "get a grip", and you're right, but I guess maybe letting myself whine here is my reward to myself. Sorry all of you have to pay for it.
Take care all and thanks for listening.
BMUS
I feel more than a little weird posting about this. So many people here struggle with life problems that are extremely challenging without the added burden of dealing with recovery at the same time, and they stay so positive and strong. I've had my fair share of "trials by fire" before, but now my life is pretty calm and most people would love to trade their problems for my "problems". Anyway thanks for letting me whine in advance.
The one area of my life I'm really not satisfied with is I'm lacking a personal relationship. I would really like to be with someone to love and share with. Anyway, I've been chatting informally with some women on a web site and I met one woman last week. I thought things went well, but I haven't heard from her since. I'm not really upset about that, as it was a nice lunch and I know I didn't do anything stupid due to alcohol. So, I guess I'm trying to say I'm trying to recognize the parts of my life I want/need to improve and I'm trying to do something about them.
What I'm in a funk about, and again I feel guilty even discussing it, is that on Tuesday I saw my counselor who I started seeing to help me with recovery from alcohol. Anyway, some stuff boiled up out of me from an unknown place in my subconscious about my ex-wife (we divorced about 10 years ago) that surprised me as I thought I was over the situation completely. I'm trying to keep this short, so basically it was a very good session in the end and my counselor asked me what I was going to do after the session. I told her I was going xmas shopping for my family (when you're an expat and have to ship things by sea mail, you start early).
She then asked what I was going to do for myself. I truthfully didn't understand, and I was perplexed. She said it was OK for me to do something good and frivolous for myself, as a reward. I just hadn't thought about it, even though it sounded like an OK idea.
What I'm in a funk about is since that time 2 days ago, I can't think of a damn thing I can do to give myself a small reward. Nadda, zilch, buttkis (I don't know if that last one is spelled right). What is wrong with me? I don't think I'm a bad person, though I have my share of faults (who doesn't?). Emotionally, I know there's nothing wrong with giving myself a small "self-thank you", but intellectually, I can't help but think I don't deserve it, especially when so many here are struggling with so much more and maybe, for example, just hope for an hour of peace without anything to care about in the world.
Anyway, this is strange because I've never experienced this situation before. I know most of you probably want to just yell, "get a grip", and you're right, but I guess maybe letting myself whine here is my reward to myself. Sorry all of you have to pay for it.
Take care all and thanks for listening.
BMUS
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
well i didn't think "hey just get a grip" at all.
first of all i appreciate your honest and real sharing. I couldn't ask for anything more than that. You have given me and us a gift with your honesty. your honesty helped me just now feel more connected with the universe.
perhaps you are not used to giving yourself a treat in a situation like the one you are in? maybe there is something going on in you now that makes this situation a little different and thereby you're resistant, unconsciously, to loving yourself? that's what hit me. different that what you thought i might think eh?
anyway thank you very ;much
first of all i appreciate your honest and real sharing. I couldn't ask for anything more than that. You have given me and us a gift with your honesty. your honesty helped me just now feel more connected with the universe.
perhaps you are not used to giving yourself a treat in a situation like the one you are in? maybe there is something going on in you now that makes this situation a little different and thereby you're resistant, unconsciously, to loving yourself? that's what hit me. different that what you thought i might think eh?
anyway thank you very ;much
OMG everything's real
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: England
Posts: 4,020
Part of the money I save each week by not drinking I spend on something for myself and my kids, even if it is little. I am a girl though, so there is more choice, like jewellery and clothes and clothes and clothes!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
BMUS being open and honest is amoung the keys to recovery, I do not think anyone is going to tell you "Get a grip"!
You know it took me a while being sober to accept that I was not that bad of a person, it took me longer to really start to learn to like myself, and I mean honestly like me!
Now here is something you may want to try, the reason to get your self something is to basically make your self feel good, I have found that the best way for me to feel good is by helping someone else, have you thought about helping someone out? Perhaps sticking a few Yen in some ones hand who looks like they could use it would be just as good as buying your self something material.
Material things wear out or break, a good deed last an eternity.
Don't you deserve to feel better? Of course, maybe you could kill 2 birds with one stone and reward yourself as well as someone else.
You know it took me a while being sober to accept that I was not that bad of a person, it took me longer to really start to learn to like myself, and I mean honestly like me!
Now here is something you may want to try, the reason to get your self something is to basically make your self feel good, I have found that the best way for me to feel good is by helping someone else, have you thought about helping someone out? Perhaps sticking a few Yen in some ones hand who looks like they could use it would be just as good as buying your self something material.
Material things wear out or break, a good deed last an eternity.
Don't you deserve to feel better? Of course, maybe you could kill 2 birds with one stone and reward yourself as well as someone else.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
aw TAZ.....I'm gonna disagree....
Do something nice for yourself even if you don't feel like it Beamer. Just buy yourself your favorite icecream or buy a book you always wanted...or buy that adult toy you maybe didn't even know wanted .... for me I bought a cell phone.
Helping others is something that is good for me, but I did have to learn to loosen up and be nice to me too. I did something nice for me (a massage) my first day out of treatment.....i now do it every month.
May I have more compasion toward myself and others
Do something nice for yourself even if you don't feel like it Beamer. Just buy yourself your favorite icecream or buy a book you always wanted...or buy that adult toy you maybe didn't even know wanted .... for me I bought a cell phone.
Helping others is something that is good for me, but I did have to learn to loosen up and be nice to me too. I did something nice for me (a massage) my first day out of treatment.....i now do it every month.
May I have more compasion toward myself and others
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hey BMUS,
Thanks for your honest post. I always enjoy reading your posts. You seem to be an intelligent, thougthful fellow who anticipates the needs of others!
I noticed from your post that you feel you need to improve areas of your life. You are also looking for a woman to spend quality, personal time with. And you are not in the habit of rewarding yourself.
Honey, it is time for a makeover! Grab your coffee and take notes. You might still be wearing the same glasses frame from 9 years ago (new lenses, tho), same favorite day off t-shirt (it doesn't have holes, yet), same comfortable dress pants & shirt you've had 5 years (they still fit), and don't get me started on undergarments, etc......
Get dressed in your everyday work clothes and take notice of what you really like about them, i.e, color, # of pockets, drape, fabric. Then go to a large department store and find a friendly sales associate and ask them to assist you in finding the same qualities in current styles. Be sure your original qualities are similar so that it remains "your" style. Do the same with your day off clothing, just update the fashion. Don't forget the undergarments, they do not have to be white!
Try to have fun with this. A few updated key pieces will make a big difference in how you look and feel about yourself.
Thanks for your honest post. I always enjoy reading your posts. You seem to be an intelligent, thougthful fellow who anticipates the needs of others!
I noticed from your post that you feel you need to improve areas of your life. You are also looking for a woman to spend quality, personal time with. And you are not in the habit of rewarding yourself.
Honey, it is time for a makeover! Grab your coffee and take notes. You might still be wearing the same glasses frame from 9 years ago (new lenses, tho), same favorite day off t-shirt (it doesn't have holes, yet), same comfortable dress pants & shirt you've had 5 years (they still fit), and don't get me started on undergarments, etc......
Get dressed in your everyday work clothes and take notice of what you really like about them, i.e, color, # of pockets, drape, fabric. Then go to a large department store and find a friendly sales associate and ask them to assist you in finding the same qualities in current styles. Be sure your original qualities are similar so that it remains "your" style. Do the same with your day off clothing, just update the fashion. Don't forget the undergarments, they do not have to be white!
Try to have fun with this. A few updated key pieces will make a big difference in how you look and feel about yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Hi BMUS - Add me to the list of those who dont think you need to get a grip. Infact quite the opposite. Your share shows that you have a wonderful gift of honesty - Thats awesome.
All the suggestions above sound like wonderful ideas - especially the massage.
Is there a movie out that you have been wanting to see.
Anyway Scotty, be good to yourself - you have earned it. ((((BMUS)))))
All the suggestions above sound like wonderful ideas - especially the massage.
Is there a movie out that you have been wanting to see.
Anyway Scotty, be good to yourself - you have earned it. ((((BMUS)))))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Hey BMUS...first of all, I COMPLETELY mis-read the title of your post. 
Change one letter there and you've got the answer to all your problems! No relationship, no problem! Reward, no problem! lol
Ananda...since I seem to be in an inappropriate mood here (as usual), your suggestion of getting an "adult toy" certainly fits into my thinking...although I'm sure you meant that in a much more innocent way.
In a more serious vein (ahem), you could do this two ways. You could go material reward (dinner out, new clothes, electronic gadgets, etc.)...or you could go for the "zen" approach (long bath, nap, walk around the neighbourhood, massage, etc.). The point is that you absolutely SHOULD reward yourself and treat yourself nicely!! Everyone should every single day!
And now, before I get myself deleted....I'll finish. Ahem.
Change one letter there and you've got the answer to all your problems! No relationship, no problem! Reward, no problem! lolAnanda...since I seem to be in an inappropriate mood here (as usual), your suggestion of getting an "adult toy" certainly fits into my thinking...although I'm sure you meant that in a much more innocent way.
In a more serious vein (ahem), you could do this two ways. You could go material reward (dinner out, new clothes, electronic gadgets, etc.)...or you could go for the "zen" approach (long bath, nap, walk around the neighbourhood, massage, etc.). The point is that you absolutely SHOULD reward yourself and treat yourself nicely!! Everyone should every single day!
And now, before I get myself deleted....I'll finish. Ahem.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
BMUS,
I thought I should clarify something. I have never seen a picture of you. You might be a real stud in Barry Goldwater glasses. My post was based on personal experience. My personal style suffered neglect after years of alcohol abuse.
I was too broke from booze or too hung over to care about my personal appearance. Now that I am sober, I am taking small steps with my own makeover.
You are worth rewarding!
I thought I should clarify something. I have never seen a picture of you. You might be a real stud in Barry Goldwater glasses. My post was based on personal experience. My personal style suffered neglect after years of alcohol abuse.
I was too broke from booze or too hung over to care about my personal appearance. Now that I am sober, I am taking small steps with my own makeover.
You are worth rewarding!
Karma Amputee
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Among The Living
Posts: 769
Just buy yourself something in the store that you wish somebody would get for you while you're doing all that X-Mas shopping. There must be something you'd like to have. Do you enjoy music? Maybe your favorite band has a concert DVD you never saw. Do you have any hobbies? Collect anything? If so, get yourself something hobby related and then spend time enjoying it.
Give YOU a gift.
Give YOU a gift.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 632
I hope you’ll take your time on the sole mate search. I looked long and hard to find mine. I totally out kicked my coverage when I married her 37 years ago. Some dangerous advice--- Try chasing down one of those women you think you’ll be totally incompatible with. The results might amaze you. For now just enjoy the looking part. I did! .
Don’t forget that you’ve already given yourself an amazing gift. You woke up sober this morning! Don’t get me wrong as I do have some big dreams on my mind, sobriety being just the start. I believe we can all be Kevins (Nogard) and run our own marathons, if we desire it enough. I’ve started the ball rolling on my dream. Just need a little patience and focus.
I Reward myself everyday---
I’m finding that many small self indulgences on a daily basis can add up to that small reward. Some times I’ll shamelessly act on the desire. Yesterday I learned that a friend of mine got a hold of some hand rolled Cubans. He doesn’t know it but I plane on rewarding myself with one of those today.
Hey, "get a grip"
Ed
. Don’t forget that you’ve already given yourself an amazing gift. You woke up sober this morning! Don’t get me wrong as I do have some big dreams on my mind, sobriety being just the start. I believe we can all be Kevins (Nogard) and run our own marathons, if we desire it enough. I’ve started the ball rolling on my dream. Just need a little patience and focus.
I Reward myself everyday---
I’m finding that many small self indulgences on a daily basis can add up to that small reward. Some times I’ll shamelessly act on the desire. Yesterday I learned that a friend of mine got a hold of some hand rolled Cubans. He doesn’t know it but I plane on rewarding myself with one of those today.
Hey, "get a grip"
Ed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yokohama, Japan
Posts: 487
I wanted to post earlier, but have just got around to it.
First, thanks to all for your help and advice. I'll "discuss" some more of this, hopefully later tonight.
Second, I'm feeling better emotionally, in no small part to SR. Thanks all.
Third, I'm getting ready to take a trip into Tokyo to look for some frivolous material self-gratification.
Thanks again,
BMUS
First, thanks to all for your help and advice. I'll "discuss" some more of this, hopefully later tonight.
Second, I'm feeling better emotionally, in no small part to SR. Thanks all.
Third, I'm getting ready to take a trip into Tokyo to look for some frivolous material self-gratification.
Thanks again,
BMUS
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I rarely treat myself as I would a group of strangers. But lately I've been able to get thru cravings easily. I play the tape thru to the end, and I don't want to go there again. So I reward myself, even if it's just a compliment, for talking myself out of cravings.:praying Praying does wonders for me.
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