shanman422

I am 29 and a married women with a wonderful family. I have struggled for YEARS with alcohol abuse and since moving out East have dabbled in a few drugs but came across my favorite... cocaine. I never use when I am sober, but as soon as I start feeling tipsy it's all I think about. Actually that's a lie, if I know i'm going out with friends on the weekend I will start thinking about it right than when we make the plans of what we are doing... but can't technically have my first line until I have a couple drinks because I don't like how it makes me feel sober. I Only like how it makes me feel when I'm drinking.

A little about myself.... I was born in a small town in Minnesota. Our family was well known... got a long with most people, but always felt the need to be popular. Was very atheletic and was especially known in our town for excelling in sports. When I was a Sophmore in high school my Father's job relocated us an hour from where my family was born and raised. I had to start completely over, and it was a difficult step for me. I was a pretty, althletic, insecure girl trying to fit into a class that already had their clicks and I felt like I was never going to fit in! I tried my best by being someone I never was for a very long time. By the time I was a senior, all the guys I got a long with great, but those darn girls man... they could be brutal. They pretended to be my friend even going as far as hanging out with me often, but had nothing but bad things to say about me behind my back. I like to think of myself as a very nice, happy person... but I definitely tried to hard, and if that meant betraying someone elses trust, I would do that. Which it's obvious to me now why they had their "hesitations" with me.

I did not do any drugs in high school, just drank occational. My first "real" boyfriend who I started dating in high school was from another town. I became SUPER close with him and his friends. This is where depression started to be the cause of my alcohol down fall. My boyfriends best friend "Motch" committed suicide when he was only a Junior in high school. It was 11 years ago on October 20th.
Ever autumn for the last 11 years I have gotten super depressed... so much so that 2 years after we lost him I ruined every possible relationship I had with ANYONE, even my parents (although they tried to be supportive) and ran away to the East Coast. I had only planned on coming out east to get my head together, become sober at 21 years old and start over. I did great for a few months, but obviously the last 11 years haven't been so sober for me. So I am hear today to try and get help. I have taken the AA route before... it was helpful, but it was before my son came along. And now I feel like I simply don't have time. I know I know... I should always make time for something as important as this, but I wanted to try this route first. I would sincerely appreciate anyones advise or help to stay away from drugs and alcohol!

I haven't really talked to any of my friends or family about this. I have said how many times I've wanted to stop or control my abuse so many times in the past and I've constantly failed. I don't want to fail this time. My last drink was on Sunday Oct 19. So my first day of sobriety is on the 11th anniversay of my friends death... i think that symbolizes so much!

Sorry for the novel.... But thanks for your time!

guiab

Shanman,
You have made the big first step - choosing sobriety. You have done well with all the difficulties.
Sobriety will reward you and your family. Stay Strong. My prayers are with you.
:ghug3

Anna

Hi Shanman,

Welcome!

I also sabotaged every good thing in my life, starting in my high school years, and continuing for a long time. Eventually, I realized that I didn't believe that I deserved good things, and I actually felt more comfortable with failed relationships, jobs, etc. Stopping drinking was really a leap of faith for me. I had no idea what life without alcohol would be like.

Good for you in stopping drinking and believe that you deserve a sober life!

shanman422

Thanks for the kind words!!
I haven't even told my husband yet. I have hidden from him for the last year that I had gotten back into "c" on a weekend basis every time we drink. This past weekend I drank and railed lines Friday, Saturday and Sunday!!! It's disgusting. I can't stop one with out the other. Right now, I am confident... but my mind continuously is my worst enemy and plays tricks on me. I just hope I can find friends in here to help me through this!

jdaisymae

Your story sounds very similar to mine!! I am also a wife with two young kids (3 yrs and 6 months). I used to have a bad coke problem before I moved away from my hometown. I dabbled a bit here and there before my kids were born but I had to stop. I love it too much. I can't stop once I start, I will do it all night and the thought that I wasn't in control enough to stop scared me because I feared overdosing, dying and leaving my babies without a mommy. That's the ONLY reason I don't pick it up anymore. But I replaced that with alcohol and that it what I am battling now. I do the same thing with drinking and I don't want to live that way anymore. You have made the right choice by stopping both for yourself and your family. It's a nice feeling to not feel guilty after a weekend of partying. I drank too much AGAIN over the weekend and hate myself for it. I'm sick of hating myself.
Good luck and keep coming back.

bstt03

Well from one Jersey Mom to another - welcome! This is a great website I'll tell you that. I can't empathize with you on the "c" thing, but the drinking I hear ya on. Stay close here and hope the best for you. I myself have not had a drink since October 11th. With the weekend coming up I am nervous but I intend to find other fun things to do!

Stubborn1

Here's what I found. If I do NOT go out......I don't drink.......if I don't drink, I don't do coke. Maybe you shouldn't go out since those are your triggers. I HAD to stop because I had no right to do that to my childrens mother. I was being selfish instead of thinking of them. When you have a child it's time to grow up and put the partying aside. I found that worked for me.

Pelican

Welcome to SR Shanman!

Welcome also to bstt03 and jdaisymae!

I'm glad you found us. There is a lot of great information and support here for you. I am on day 59 sober. This was not my first attempt at sobriety, but this one seems to be sticking for me.

I have struggled in the past because I could not get my head and heart to agree that I could handle alcohol. Now we (me, my head & heart) are on the same page. We now know that I can not handle alcohol.

Read the stickies at the top of each section, post your questions, and jump into conversations. I joined after lurking and reading the stickies. I got a lot of motivation after reading the excerpts from the book "Under the Influence" that are posted on this site. I bought a copy and it has helped me to understand that my body became dependant on alcohol. That was why I struggled with quitting.

You can do this! We are here for you.

shanman422

Thanks to all for the motivation!!

I most certainly agree Stubborn in saying DON'T GO out, but I'm also one that doesn't like to stay home and not do anything at all. I have tried this route, and it worked for a few weeks, but in the dead of the winter I start getting anxious and just want people to be around. I'm sure like many, most to all of my friends drink. I have a few that are pregnant right now, which will certainly be helpful in the thoughts of not feeling lonely and being the only one not going out and drinking. We used to always have our friends over (especially in the winter months) because we put our son to bed, than start drinking and play games with our friends over. I STILL have yet to tell my husband. I think for myself, I first want to get through this weekend, and maybe next and show how serious I am about it. I don't want to say I wanna stop and not following through AGAIN! He has been supportive in the past, when I have tried to stop. However he also doesn't understand for me that it's all or nothing... I can't just have one drink and be done.

Tonight I am working at my second job, and know that I can come home and won't have anything to influence me. Tomorrow night however we are going to my sister-in-laws to watch the 'premiere' of her wedding video.... haha, yes your read that right!
There is going to be a lot of people with lots of alcohol and i'm sure other drugs later in the night. I have already mentioned to my husband that I will go to watch the video and hang for a few minutes, but will have to get home to put AJ to be (bed time is 8:30)... so i'm looking at 2 or so hours being around it. This isn't an instance where I can bail... nor do I want to because I like to be around my friends. I'm sure I'm making excuses, but maybe it will be a true test to me to know if I can handle being around it or not.

It's so nice to come here and write out how I feel and actually have people understand and tell me their stories as well. Again thank you all so much for the support. It is SERIOUSLY helping me out so much with the hopes of getting through this!

Stubborn1

You made a plan and if you are serious about it you can do it. I found I had to make new friends. That took some time but I did it. Eventually that crowd will fizzel out with the drinking and drugs and if they don't then they will be on the path to death themselves. You want better for yourself and that's a huge step.
I did have people who would try and push and say "ohhhhh come on, one drink isn't going to hurt you" and in the heat of it all I really wanted it but I held my ground and felt soooo good about myself.
If you like to be around people then go volenteer somewhere. In the beginning of your recovery it is not good to be around triggers or be tested. That's a very bad idea.
Hang in there. Have fun and if you have to pretend you are drinking. No one has to know.

Anna

Hi Shanman,

I understand you wanting to be around people and be social.

I can only tell you what worked for me.

I tried that early on in my sobriety, and it didn't work for me. I could stay sober during the evening, but the next day, I would drink. I had to make a tough decision to change my lifestyle. Sobriety was my priority. So, for quite a long time, I wouldn't be around alcohol. I would see friends in coffee-type situations only. Another thing that worked for me was to get involved in volunteer work. Alcohol was never an issue there, and I met some amazing people. It was great as a social outlet.

shanman422

I think that's truly the bottom line that I struggle with too...I have to not be around my friends for a while, huh? Well with the exception of only afternoon non drinking activities! Which during football season will be hard... lol... but something I am committed to doing.

How long have you been sober Anna and Stubborn? My name is Shannon by the way

Tazman53

Hey Shannon I am an alcoholic named Martin, welcome to SR, lots of great folks here.

You mentioned AA worked for you before, then said with the kids you didn't feel you could find the time for it. Why not call your local AA hotline and see if they have any meetings with babysitting provided, or if your kids are in scholl most areas have day time meetings as well.

Some other things to consider are online AA meetings, or checking out other programs. But if you enjoy going out and hanging with people it would seem to me that AA would give you that and also a social group of sober friends.

Anna

Hi Sharon,

For me, it's been just over 8 years.

I know it was hard for me to accept the changes I needed to make, but, the alternative was to lose everything that mattered to me.

bstt03

I too have many friends who drink. In fact, I can tell you that is how I met them. I have one who is an enabler and will jump at the chance to have me drink. So if I need to, I stay away. I think sometimes people who still drink and know they should not and have a problem themselves, they feel threatened by those of us who are trying to make a change. Sometimes to the point of making us feel like we have the problem because we are not drinking. Its insecurity in my opinion and if I have to stay away, I will.

shanman422

:day1 WOW... what a great feeling, today is 1 year sober! It's kinda of a sureal moment for me, it almost doesn't seem real!!

I have a lot of feelings going on today... 12 years ago Oct 20, one of my dearest friends committed suicide. I dreaded this day every single year, I would become very depressed and of course try and drink away the pain. I miss him very much... that will never change. But I no longer dread this day... I was so excited to finally have it arrive... This day has new meaning to me now!!

I keep wondering if my family (and friends) will remember today. I did not use the program, and really did this 'on my own' per say. It's a very important day to me, and I want it to be recognized. I don't think it will be though... to my husband I'm sure it's just another day. Even though, I became a completely different person, and we probably wouldn't be together today if I hadn't made this major decision to stop. I keep thinking, will he send me flowers? haha DOUBT IT. As much as I would love that, this day isn't for him to remember, and IT IS just another day. But a day that I will cherish... I am the one that is so greatful for the courage and committment I gave and continue to give daily. Besides my Mother (who has been sober now for 25 years), no one really felt like I had a problem. So I may be celelbrating alone, but nonetheless CELEBRATING!!!!

I was trying to post this in a new thread, but it wasn't allowing me to. So... thought... let me reply to my first ever thread that I posted here on SR. This is my 1 YEAR later type deal... how cool is that!

Thanks for letting me share!

Shannon

least

Congrats on your sober year! THat is truly a huge milestone.:ghug3

Goat

Well, he may or may not, be WE WILL! Congrats!

:

-Goat

chrisinaustin

Congrats! No program... who will get you cake?

a fallen man

i actually think it is better that you posted your celebration in your first post. awesome job on the year. and you won't celebrate it alone because everyone on this site that reads your testimony will be celebrating inside with you.

thanks for your words.