Hello, having some difficult times
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 12
Hello, having some difficult times
Hi everyone. I see that people of this forum have been really supportive for those who are having rough times. It's very encouraging!
I thought I'd post something here about what I'm going through, mainly because although I do have people who care about me in my life and who listen to what I have to say, possibly only some of you might understand just how horrible I am feeling.
Having problems with alcohol. I don't drink daily but two or three outings weekly to the pub is fairly usual. I enjoy sitting around the table with my closest friends, sharing stories and taking turns ordering the rounds. As a group maybe we'll have four or five pints of beer each in an evening. This has been going on for a couple of years now, and I don't see a problem with it.
What happens later is my problem. Increasingly those pints just haven't been enough for me, so I continue to order more, usually for myself after the friends are gone, and guzzle them while my partner is finishing the last of his fourth or fifth pint. His maximum threshold is five, so I just accelerate and drink as much as I can until he says it's time to go home. But I might have just one more before we leave. As someone in another thread discussed, it's as though I don't want the night to end.
Two nights ago we all had four pints and parted ways, my partner and I went to his place. When we got there I opened a bottle of rum which I brought back from the Caribbean six months ago. It's extremely rare I drink the 'hard stuff' but I poured and drank a few drinks with juice (maybe 2oz each) and drank them very quickly like it was water.
Things got horrible after that. I provoked a fight and essentially blacked out though recall some wrestling and yelling. Next thing I remember the police were coaxing me out of his house. Later he told me I was attempting to beat on him and threatening to kill him - exactly the sentiments one wants to share with a loved one.
This blackout experience is something I seem to be striving to achieve more often when I drink, and when perhaps last year I would 'embarrass' myself every few months acting a fool on a little bender, now I'm becoming frightened for not only my own safety but the people I really care about.
Just last week I became really aggressive with my partner at the pub, behaved in a dangerous way with random strangers, and made a promise to take greater care watching my intake...
So yeah, I am feeling quite desperate and confused about how to move on from here. I suppose it's only going to get worse as 'progression' seems to be the culprit and the beer seems more like the answer to my problems.
Thanks for reading and good luck to all of you.
I thought I'd post something here about what I'm going through, mainly because although I do have people who care about me in my life and who listen to what I have to say, possibly only some of you might understand just how horrible I am feeling.
Having problems with alcohol. I don't drink daily but two or three outings weekly to the pub is fairly usual. I enjoy sitting around the table with my closest friends, sharing stories and taking turns ordering the rounds. As a group maybe we'll have four or five pints of beer each in an evening. This has been going on for a couple of years now, and I don't see a problem with it.
What happens later is my problem. Increasingly those pints just haven't been enough for me, so I continue to order more, usually for myself after the friends are gone, and guzzle them while my partner is finishing the last of his fourth or fifth pint. His maximum threshold is five, so I just accelerate and drink as much as I can until he says it's time to go home. But I might have just one more before we leave. As someone in another thread discussed, it's as though I don't want the night to end.
Two nights ago we all had four pints and parted ways, my partner and I went to his place. When we got there I opened a bottle of rum which I brought back from the Caribbean six months ago. It's extremely rare I drink the 'hard stuff' but I poured and drank a few drinks with juice (maybe 2oz each) and drank them very quickly like it was water.
Things got horrible after that. I provoked a fight and essentially blacked out though recall some wrestling and yelling. Next thing I remember the police were coaxing me out of his house. Later he told me I was attempting to beat on him and threatening to kill him - exactly the sentiments one wants to share with a loved one.
This blackout experience is something I seem to be striving to achieve more often when I drink, and when perhaps last year I would 'embarrass' myself every few months acting a fool on a little bender, now I'm becoming frightened for not only my own safety but the people I really care about.
Just last week I became really aggressive with my partner at the pub, behaved in a dangerous way with random strangers, and made a promise to take greater care watching my intake...
So yeah, I am feeling quite desperate and confused about how to move on from here. I suppose it's only going to get worse as 'progression' seems to be the culprit and the beer seems more like the answer to my problems.
Thanks for reading and good luck to all of you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi and Welcome,
I also became a different person when I drank. It seemed I changed completely and believe me, no one liked me like that. I think it's important to remember that it's not always how much we drink, but what it does to us, that is the defining moment. I had to stop drinking in order to save my health, my marriage and my relationships with my children. I can't pinpoint the moment when alcohol took over my life, but it did. And, yes alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop.
I'm glad you are seeking support.
I also became a different person when I drank. It seemed I changed completely and believe me, no one liked me like that. I think it's important to remember that it's not always how much we drink, but what it does to us, that is the defining moment. I had to stop drinking in order to save my health, my marriage and my relationships with my children. I can't pinpoint the moment when alcohol took over my life, but it did. And, yes alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop.
I'm glad you are seeking support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I'm so glad you posted....It sure sounds like a good time to stop drinking!
If you can get the family and friends to support your effort..that can be a big help, but regardless...use SR and read about different recovery programs and make a commitment.
alchohol for me was a temporary answer to my problems that ended up creating more....there are other answers out there and here is a good place to find some!
Welcom!
If you can get the family and friends to support your effort..that can be a big help, but regardless...use SR and read about different recovery programs and make a commitment.
alchohol for me was a temporary answer to my problems that ended up creating more....there are other answers out there and here is a good place to find some!
Welcom!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Birmingham, Alabama, USA
Posts: 20
I feel you, Fluttering. Though I have yet to be arrested, the police have played an increasingly larger role in my tirades over the last few years. Also, my husband is the only friend I have left in the world. Your situation sounds very familiar to me. You never feel like you've had enough to drink until you're completely pickled. And then it's like, "let the games begin". Best wishes to you.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by FlutteringWest 
I suppose it's only going to get worse as 'progression' seems to be the culprit and the beer seems more like the answer to my problems.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 38
I wanna say welcome as well.
I have 10 yrs and 6 mths away from the bottle and also faced some nasty rides during my alcohol days. I could go on about the trips to the drunk tank, being arrested for fighting or vandalism, and waking up under a tree in a park or playground (that one sucked), but instead I would like to tell you that the best day of my alcoholism was the day I quit. When I finally realised i was killing myself and my family. I would like to say that when you quit the world is perfect, but that would be a lie to. Every day is hard and every day you will be tempted to go for that 'last drink' or you run into that 'best' buddy....I haven't talked to a single friend since I quit, because I know they only wanted to hang with me because I did some stupid things when I was hammered.
I was content with my sobriety and once sober got married and have 3 awesome boys. The dragon takes on many roles in life though and I had to deal with a medical problem that was finally resolved this past summer after 8 yrs of pain....and pain killers...so here I am again fighting the demons and 6 days ago I syopped taking percocet, which I had anywhere from 15 - 30 pills a day, as well as all summer I had 150mgs of Demoral every 3 hours in IV. Detox sucks and withdrawal pains are the worst, but I know that like alcohol I need to beat the drugs before they beat me.
I wish you lots of luck and hope you find the power you need to beat the dragons and reaching out in this forum is a huge step....bigger than you probably know. Nothing feels better than a bunch of addicts and alcoholics saying you are special....remember these people have been to hell and lived....I have a VIP seat in Hell I have been there so often, but I keep plugging along with the love of my family...especially my wife...her support this time around is awesome. When I had my head in the toilet, shakes like an earthquake and wanted nothing more than to close my eyes and die she simply held me and said she loved me....I don't know who you have at home, but we love you and care about you since you are here....keep posting and best of luck.
Chuck
I have 10 yrs and 6 mths away from the bottle and also faced some nasty rides during my alcohol days. I could go on about the trips to the drunk tank, being arrested for fighting or vandalism, and waking up under a tree in a park or playground (that one sucked), but instead I would like to tell you that the best day of my alcoholism was the day I quit. When I finally realised i was killing myself and my family. I would like to say that when you quit the world is perfect, but that would be a lie to. Every day is hard and every day you will be tempted to go for that 'last drink' or you run into that 'best' buddy....I haven't talked to a single friend since I quit, because I know they only wanted to hang with me because I did some stupid things when I was hammered.
I was content with my sobriety and once sober got married and have 3 awesome boys. The dragon takes on many roles in life though and I had to deal with a medical problem that was finally resolved this past summer after 8 yrs of pain....and pain killers...so here I am again fighting the demons and 6 days ago I syopped taking percocet, which I had anywhere from 15 - 30 pills a day, as well as all summer I had 150mgs of Demoral every 3 hours in IV. Detox sucks and withdrawal pains are the worst, but I know that like alcohol I need to beat the drugs before they beat me.
I wish you lots of luck and hope you find the power you need to beat the dragons and reaching out in this forum is a huge step....bigger than you probably know. Nothing feels better than a bunch of addicts and alcoholics saying you are special....remember these people have been to hell and lived....I have a VIP seat in Hell I have been there so often, but I keep plugging along with the love of my family...especially my wife...her support this time around is awesome. When I had my head in the toilet, shakes like an earthquake and wanted nothing more than to close my eyes and die she simply held me and said she loved me....I don't know who you have at home, but we love you and care about you since you are here....keep posting and best of luck.
Chuck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 12
Thanks to each one of you for thoughtful replies, it really helps and I do appreciate it!
Anna, I see what you mean about recognising just what alcohol does to us, and not just considering the quantity we drink. It's easy to forget the damage done when there's time between disasters, which I think is one of the most difficult points in admitting I have a problem. How many times does it take working to regain the trust of friends and family before I decide to stop?
rubyslippers, yes pickled is a word I identify with, and so is tirades. The violence towards people I love is a new one for me, and scares the hell out of me. I guess that's what has brought me here.
Everything seemed to be fine when it was just myself that got hurt. That's perhaps part of the plan, beat myself up and repeat. I've done well in the injury department over the years and have the scars to show for it. I guess my partner didn't much appreciate the call from police last year saying I had a comfy bed in a cell for the night after I was carried in kicking by four cops. Or maybe it was two, I can't be sure...
Chuck, much of what you said is really encouraging, and I am hoping you can make it through the pain to come out the other side happy, just like you did with the bottle more than (wow!) ten years ago. And, well, I love you for being here too
Anna, I see what you mean about recognising just what alcohol does to us, and not just considering the quantity we drink. It's easy to forget the damage done when there's time between disasters, which I think is one of the most difficult points in admitting I have a problem. How many times does it take working to regain the trust of friends and family before I decide to stop?
rubyslippers, yes pickled is a word I identify with, and so is tirades. The violence towards people I love is a new one for me, and scares the hell out of me. I guess that's what has brought me here.
Everything seemed to be fine when it was just myself that got hurt. That's perhaps part of the plan, beat myself up and repeat. I've done well in the injury department over the years and have the scars to show for it. I guess my partner didn't much appreciate the call from police last year saying I had a comfy bed in a cell for the night after I was carried in kicking by four cops. Or maybe it was two, I can't be sure...
Chuck, much of what you said is really encouraging, and I am hoping you can make it through the pain to come out the other side happy, just like you did with the bottle more than (wow!) ten years ago. And, well, I love you for being here too
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 33
Hi Fluttering
You'll find plenty of us on here who have lost control through our drinking - thankfully joining SR is the first step to taking control back. Hope that doesn't sound too cliched, but it's true.
Stick around and you'll find lots of help and hope
You'll find plenty of us on here who have lost control through our drinking - thankfully joining SR is the first step to taking control back. Hope that doesn't sound too cliched, but it's true.
Stick around and you'll find lots of help and hope
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to SR FlutteringWest!
Lots of great information and support here.
One of the best things you can do today to avoid falling back into the bottle is to change your routines. Instead of the pubs, go to meetings, go for walks, get organized at home (lots of us are painting our walls), go to the movies.
Your first steps of admitting you have a problem and coming here show you are on the right path. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress!
Lots of great information and support here.
One of the best things you can do today to avoid falling back into the bottle is to change your routines. Instead of the pubs, go to meetings, go for walks, get organized at home (lots of us are painting our walls), go to the movies.
Your first steps of admitting you have a problem and coming here show you are on the right path. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 157
The incident you are talking about sounds just like my last outing last saturday night. The blackout, etc. to a tee. Well, except the cops - I think anyway. The blackouts were getting more frequent for me and longer and scarier. Hearing about the dumb things I did from my boyfriend was aweful. So I know where you are coming from. And I don't want to go back there. Hopefully we both can move forward!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,775
I don't understand your statement that "beer seems to be the answer to your problems". Did you mean that if you only drink beer you'll be ok? Blackouts are a big red flag that your drinking is way out of control. I don't think it matters much what you drink or how much or how often. What matters is what happens to you once you start drinking.
I 'only' drank wine, but became an alcoholic very quickly. It was 'only' wine but it made me into someone I hated. The only solution was to quit drinking completely. I hope you can find the solution you need to restore some sanity and happiness to your life.
:ghug3
I 'only' drank wine, but became an alcoholic very quickly. It was 'only' wine but it made me into someone I hated. The only solution was to quit drinking completely. I hope you can find the solution you need to restore some sanity and happiness to your life.
:ghug3
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR...
Here is a link you might find interesting
Alcohol and Blackouts are on # 17...but do read it all
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Good to see a new member...
Here is a link you might find interesting
Alcohol and Blackouts are on # 17...but do read it all
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Good to see a new member...
letting God take the wheel...
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Home is where the heart is-Colorado and Oregon
Posts: 100
Hello! Hope that your gathering your thoughts in preperation for your next step of sobriety... I started blacking out about two years ago, every now and then..then it just became the norm..and for a year I drove myself into that same ditch...drink-get wasted-blackout and act horrible( every personality change possible from agressive bitch,profound intellectual,pathetic ****...you name it) and then I tried the whole moderation thing and I was so dead set on proving to everyone and myself that I was not an alchoholic ..so I would still go out and limit myself to two glasses of wine or three beers max..really didnt give me a majorbuzz..but people were "proud" and I could still feel social..well the thing is, that I still got blackouts and fuzzy fragmented puzzle piece memories ..only after two drinks..so It didnt matter if I was having the whole bottle or just two glasses..I still went right back to that plateau point in blacking out..its very scary and overwhelming but it is dead truth..blackouts are a HUGE RED FLAG of alcholism, and there is no reverse cure..they just get worse and more frequent once they start and they are the main reason I am sober...GOOD LUCK COME BACK XOXO
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: London UK
Posts: 36
Hey FlutteringWest,
Read your post on another thread and now this one. I really know exactly where you're coming from. The 'don't want the night to end' feeling is a massive thing for me too. I can never understand why others want to go home and I'll latch on to anyone who is up for carrying on. Everything else you said just described me too.
Anyway, just want to add more encouragement to your efforts to deal with the problem. It's great that you're here and I hope it helps you as much as me and others.
Stay strong all.
Read your post on another thread and now this one. I really know exactly where you're coming from. The 'don't want the night to end' feeling is a massive thing for me too. I can never understand why others want to go home and I'll latch on to anyone who is up for carrying on. Everything else you said just described me too.
Anyway, just want to add more encouragement to your efforts to deal with the problem. It's great that you're here and I hope it helps you as much as me and others.
Stay strong all.
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