Mattcake

I've been craving quite badly for a few days. My lucky, craving-free streak seems to be over. But:

Nope, I am not going to drink.

To be honest, don't give a flying **** about why I'm craving All I know for sure is that I'll be damned if I give in.

Time to stay in the moment... and use the tools I've been learning and preaching about for months. So I'm going to meditate for a minute or 500, give in to Spirit, phone a buddy... then grab a fluffy book and read until I fall asleep. And tomorrow, I'll do it again. Twice if needed.

I am sick and tired of this BS. I have accepted full responsibility for placing myself in this situation in the first place. I have hated myself, learned from it, listened to you guys.. And, right now, I accept full responsibility once again to get over this and myself for good. I'm putting my foot down with a stomp. Call me cocky, but I am not scared. I am ANGRY because enough is f**king enough.

I can understand why some people would be afraid of booze. However, as some of you know, this is not the first time I've had to destroy structures in my life - religion, sexuality, illusion... I'm willing to break another taboo, because I am most certainly not willing to allow fear to run my life anymore. I want to be free. So:

Alcohol, you can kiss my ass.

If I read this thread and hadn't written it, I'd be thinking "fools rush in where angels fear to tread". I'm no angel though, so you are all most welcome to call me a fool. And, by all means, if I were to relapse at some point, just rub this reckless post in my face. Right now, though, I've had enough.

Love you all - if I'm so "brave", why am I crying? I guess I AM a fool. Or just plain angry.

Pelican

Passionate! Now go kick butt!

suki44883

I love you, matty.

flutter

I know the anger, don't we all! I remember posting something about wanting to punch alcohol in the face. One time shortly after detox I remember literally flipping off the liquor section at the grocery store, I'm sure someone around thought I was nuts.

I was working out the other day, and a song came on my Ipod, I think it's about an ex-girlfriend, and it's super pissed off/emotional by Hollywood Undead.. check it out if you want, boy did I beat up the weights during that song, and played it over and over thinking about how much I was hating alcohol at the moment. It's Hollywood Undead: My Black Dahlia. (edit: warning, pretty explicit lyrics)

We can all fight it together!! RAWR!!

:camper:

Dee74

some days for me matt?

despite my best efforts, nothing has a reason...be it no reason for cravings, no reason for my alcoholism, no reason to go on sometimes....

those are the days I just have to keep the faith - put my head down, and *know* I can't drink...it won't help.

And things do get better always.

I know you know all this. Stay strong.
D

NewDayNow

Hang in there Matt

getr345

I truly hope for your own sake that you mean what you say. You have to prove it to you. In that, I wish you only the very best.

Anna

Matt,

You can get through this!

Use your anger to your advantage!

Horselover

I know you are very strong Matt. Thanks for this post. Its good to know that even with the cravings are kicking butt you can kick back. Really needed this. Thanks again Matt!!

Ananda

I like the saying "dont drink if your a$$ falls off"....or dont drink no matter what .... cause sometimes no matter what happens.

I stayed sober one nite just because I "white knuckled it"....I was beyond the point of sane thinking or any of my spiritual beliefs...

Is it the "best way" to stay sober? I don't know, but I know that I am glad that I didn't drink regardless of how.

The one thing I kept remembering that night was that the last time i had a drink it took me 8 years to get sober and I was lucky that I lived long enough to get sober again.

I know for me a drink is not just a drink...a drink is a commitment to going back out and taking my chances on whether or not I'll make it back.

meditation often helped me through cravings. But use what ever tools you have that work...sometimes "just being sober" has to be enough cause sometimes it feels like it is all we have.

tellus

I needed to read something like that, Matty. Thanks.

colagirl

It's okay to cry, this is d@mn hard! You are strong though, and you can do it.

stone

Sounds like angry=determination Matt.

Cravings will come and go. <I must remember that myself>

BUTTERFLY-7

Matty, I' just want to say that it takes Determination, and that my Dear Buddy
you have Shawn it, your Anger tours this Darn Disease is whats
giving you this modevation cause something inside of us is telling us
What the Hell are you doing to me there is some were along the line
inside of us a inner being that's pushing you to realize allot of things.


when our mind is clean, and clear, we could realize the damage we being
creating to uz, and to others, and that my Dear is whats being going on
you are seen things more clear now, your H.P. is using those feelings
of Anger tours Alcohol, and that God Giving Determination to move Forward
so God Bless,Kiddo :praying

Vintersemestre

Aye, strong cravings all day today, that even clonazepam didn't quell, but I'm literally throwing both of my middle fingers at that stupid opium poppy as we speak.

Aysha

All I can say is thats my Matty. I know you are going to be fine!!

BIG HUGS

Jomey

Very powerful thread Matt - thanks for sharing it. You are very strong - I know you are going to be ok.

Jomey

Ananda

Matty...hope you have slept well and that the cravings have eased up or disappeared.....thinking of you...post and let us help in any way we can

:ghug3

four812

hi matt...i just came along to read your thread...

first of all way to go....sometimes "fighting" our urges, our disease is all we know how to do. I can relate so very much. i have a lot of anger over my life failures and my failure to conquer my addictions throughout my life

someone wrote: wow for that and thanks

Stubborn1

How'd you do Matt? New day today my friend.