adore79

Im glad to hear to hear the determination in your post Matt.

Mattcake

Yup, I'm still here. Slightly sheepish about my temper tantrum last night, but not sheepish enough to feel sorry about it. Still in one piece, and still most definitely and indefinitely sober.

I'm beginning to love my anger. Anna, Butterfly, Stone... I think you nailed it.. When directed properly, anger is a powerful tool. Strangely enough, I was taught that anger is for cowards. WTF! :grin: Surprise! I have tons of that stuff pent up. No wonder I'm depressed! Yet again, I've been blatantly brainwashed into believing that I'm a helpless victim. I'm not! The post was NOT about Ego. In no way did I imply that I could control alcohol, nor Life for that matter. That would be foolish and pointless. But I can ALWAYS choose. I am not "diseased", I am angry!!!

So, my power is very limited -nonexistent even- but I can choose a direction, and then take responsibility for the consequences. This is my intention, a work in progress: no more fear, it's not about alcohol anymore. I am upping and calling my bet.

I refuse to be bullied by fear, I've had enough of that. And I'm working hard: I will not allow my life to be polarized and wrecked by a substance. Life is the biggest gift I've been granted, and I will defend it relentlessly - and, hopefully, fearlessly too.

Thanks so much for bearing with me... As always, I'm here for you, even when I'm behaving like a caged (?) lion - I can only offer love, support and compassion.



Matt

Ananda

Rollo May...freedom and destiny....highly recommended reading

fear didn't get me sober, fear doesn't keep me sober, all fear does is keep me in a box. I have to let go of the need to be "safe" and reach out and participate in my own life!

Toomutch

Matt - I just read through this thread and have to say that I am glad that you are feeling better today.

I was always taught that anger was not okay when I was a little girl. So I would release it in ways that were not seen by my parents. For instance my brother would set up a boxing ring in our back yard. I would get in there and fight one boy, brother would ring the bell, and then I would fight the other boy. No break from the ring for me. Let me tell you what, both those boys would go home leaving me the winner, and I was a tiny little thing.

As I grew older I turned to the bottle and drugs... Had only I stayed in the ring.

I am not suggesting you jump in the ring, but you do need to release that anger by finding appropriate ways of doing so.

Tazman53

Glad you are still hanging tough Matt, anger is a dangerous beast, especially if I let it build up, in early sobriety I was full of it, a lot of it was against alcohol and things that I percieved as being responsible for my drinking.

My feelings about alcohol have changed a great deal since I first got sober, I have for the most part a neutral feeling about alcohol, I readily accept that I am an alcoholic and have no business drinking and to be very honest I do not miss it in the least. I am no longer angry at alcohol because anger serves no real purpose for me any more.

I do get frustrated at times and what I have found helps me a lot is to get it out!!! I step out back and make sure no one is araound and just holler about what ever it is at the top of my voice and continue to do so until I feel better..... or go hoarse yelling which tends to get it out and give me relief, exercise the more vigorous the better helps a lot also.

I do not let anger own me, I look at what angers me and if there is something I can do to change it I do it, if there is nothing I can do about it then I have no choice but to simply accept it and move on. Why fight what I can not beat?

sct

*hugs* Matty.

Dean62

Matty I'm sure glad to see you here posting today. My experience with craving was that after a few nasty ones my head seemed to understand drinking is no longer on option I am interested in. It will always be an option Matty but we have better options today with even better ones just around the corner.

So do me a favor. Give your craving an extra kick in the butt for me. It will get the message.

least

Glad today is better than yesterday for you. In my case I am using my fear as a motivation to stay sober. I'm afraid afraid I may not have any more recovery left in me if I go back out there. So that helps me stay sober as I don't want to 'test the waters' and fall in and drown.

I have faith in you that you can stay strong and sober one day at a time.

:ghug3

Mattcake

Suz and Taz - Thanks for your suggestions. I can definitely see how anger could become dangerous. But for some reason, I always tended to see the negative aspect of this feeling.I'm basically clueless when it comes to anger, and pretty intruigued by it, as I can definitely see it turning into a driving force in sobriety.

Deany - thanks for the kick, lol. Yup, I think that the "booze is no longer an option" idea has finally made itself at home inside my stubborn head. Thanks for that.

Nanny (I love Rollo May!) and Least - isn't it interesting... The way we experience and highlight different feelings during our journey. Fear is so captivating... Sometimes I see it like a defense mechanism, a very basic one at that, that simply lets us know that "this is not right for us". But sometimes, the safe zone is so tight that we need to come out of it for some air... and take a risk or two. There are so many levels to it.

Rae - Thanks for the hug with no spikes. Here's a big one for you :ghug3

Moving on... Thanks so much for bearing with this