LouLou629

Hi friends...So recently I have been talking with various friends of mine about my journey through sobriety( just hit two month mark ) and talking alot about my past drinking habits..mostly the fact that I was a blackout drinker..for me my blackouts usually kinda faded in and out throughout the evening...I would remember up until a point then my memory of what happened there after would be a fuzzy timeline of events..puzzle pieces missing...My biggest motivation to stop drinking was the blackouts and the innevitable overwhelming anxiety and fear of those missing pieces...since talking with some friends however, I have learned that 90% of the time I would drink around them and have my blackouts...(regardless of my allways waking up feeling fearfull and guilty)-they claim that that 90% of the time I never acted innaporpriately or embarassed myself...granted there have been plenty of times I have over the course of my six year drinking career..but why is it that if they said I rarely did any of that outlandish behavior, why did I always continue to awake the next day feeling guilty and horrified....Are everyones blackouts different? Do most of you blackout drinkers just hit that blackout point and not remember anything at all or are you like me and you have fuzzy puzzle piece memories? And in turn, I guess my question is with those fuzzy "missing" puzzle piece memories I had, did I really have anything to be anxious and fearfull about or were those fuzzy moments truly just boring somewhat forgettable memories because nothing really ever happened like my friends have told me? I just cant seem to get over my constant over annalyzation of all the times I kinda sorta allways blacked out..its so intruiging to me and yet so baffling and frustrating to me..I just always assumed that since I didnt quite recal in bright full colored picture the course of evenings events, it was because I must have just been so horrible I blocked only those horrific moments out, only to phase back into memory to recall my sitting on the couch falling asleep to a movie..its so strange..I dont even know if this will make sense to anyone but if anyone knows what I am talking about or can share their experiences or wisdom on blacking out PLEASE HELP I must sound crazy... AHHH

flutter

towards the end of everything, I was blacking out pretty much every night. My husband would be shocked that I did, and actually didn't even think that I had gotten that drunk (thanks to hiding vodka, and only going 'out' for 1 or 2 drinks). I was wasted all the time, blackout wasted, and I would also wake up horrified, guilty, wait for the hubby to call and tell me how stupid I acted... nothing. I have no idea at what point the 'blackout' happens, but for me, I also would act fine. That scares the sh*% outta me!

lizw

My was like time travel. One minute I was here then the next minute it was a few hours later and I was at a completely different place and couldn't remember how I got there.

For example, one night in a bar with some friends drinking and having a good time. I also remember dancing on the dance floor, next minute I'm getting hauled up the street by the people I was with, as the police arrived at the bar, because one of them got into a fight.

lostbutterfly

I woke up feeling guilty and wondering what I had done every morning. Sometimes I did some pretty weird stuff, as related to me by friends.

My blackouts were also fuzzy pieces a lot of the time. Sometimes, a piece would come back to me if someone mentioned something I had done the night before. If no-one had said anything, I would have had no memory of it.

Be grateful you didn't do anything too terrible during yours. I'm very grateful that I was never a nasty drunk, especially as far as my children were concerned. Just a stupid drunk!

Chops

Yes, and that is why going to the grocery store, etc. in my relatively small city is such an adventure these days, especially when someone says my name. I feel like at any moment I am either going to be punched in the face or told I am a father.

No real advice, just that I am right there with you.

Regards,

C

Eyes2TheSoul

I understand completely.
I always felt like my insecurties or anger surfaced during these blackouts.
I hated it. I always waited in the back...waiting for a friend to call me out and start talking about what I did the night before.
Most of the time I was well behaved, BUT I never knew for sure. ( and there are those friends that just never bring it up...I learned that later when a friend mentioned something and I said "I NEVER did that!" and they said "Yes, you did, I just never told you".

Being sober you won't have to worry about that EVER again.

HUGS

LouLou629

lol chops thats funny- just because I TOTALLY RELATE! That kinda impending doom almost, my town is also very very small...if people look at me too long or smile at me I think" oh my God, what do they know?" I hate it, I hate like,waiting for the other show to drop....arggggg

Toomutch

I had my first blackout at 15, they occured more frequently then not over the years. When I would ask friends what I had done, I had reason to be guilty and ashamed. Often times friends would not have to tell me what a fool I made of myself because when I awakened beside beside strangers, that was all the proof I needed.

353

Hi LouLou629,

I had fuzzy blackouts like you describe.

"did I really have anything to be anxious and fearfull about or were those fuzzy moments truly just boring somewhat forgettable memories because nothing really ever happened"

I'm certain I've had truly boring periods while sober but I haven't had any blackouts because of boredom.

Just an observation...

Peace

Boleo

In my early days blackouts were few and far between and seemed to unrelated to the events except maybe the type of beverage that I drank.

In my final 2 years of drinking they were consistent with loss of control that I experienced around the 6th drink.

At any rate, they did get worse over time proving to me that alcoholism is a progressive disease.

NewDayNow

I went through several years of blacking out. I did have some of the puzzle piece blackouts. In general very little of consequence occurred during my blackouts. I went to great effort to find out what actually happened, when I could.

I think the feeling of overwhelming anxiety and fear, must be a natural reaction to the whole thing. Then again, I had these emotions every morning, blackouts or not.

Ed

CarolD

Blackouts are explained on #17 but please read the entire link

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I was a blackout drinker for many years
I made a habit of piking up match books from
bars and restaurants so I would know where I had been.
Then I could call to make sure I had paid my check...
that always concerned me the most.

Sometimes I would get that fuzzy impression of events
but not always. Totally npredictable for me.
I thought that was simply part of drinking.

The good news is...I've never had a blackout
since I quit drinking...

mle-sober

Don't know if you've read the thread by gfireboy22 called Alcoholism / Blackouts: The Science??

It sounds like there are full-on black outs and then there are fragmentary blackouts.

Also, regarding waking up with guilt - My primary reaction the two times I had full blackouts was intense fear and disorientation. I was so scared and confused. Because I didn't know what had happened - it was like time travel, as LizW says.

But then, under the fear was a strong current of knowledge that I was totally responsible for the situation and that it was out of control and disgusting to me. Guilt comes in right about there, for me. It wasn't about anything I'd done while I was blacked out. It was about the fact that I was so dispicable as to be in that situation at all.

Horselover

I had one blackout in college several years ago where I couldn't recall an entire period of time and how I got there. It scared the hell out of me, but didn't sober me up. I never experienced a black out quite like that again, but I had several times my husband would bring something up from the night before and I wouldn't have a clue as to what he was talking about. I would fake it until I could remember the conversation or the incident. Most of the time the memory would start to come back as the day wore on. Key word here is "most" of the time. Good thread.

bstt03

This is a great thread and the exact reason I am no longer drinking. Last blackout was bad and very long. Woke up with the anxiety and the fear. Still do not know what happened and do not want to.. I want to put it all behind me and start fresh. I went to a bar before my boyfriend and he was supposed to meet me there later. Well, he did but by then I was hammered and he tried to get me to leave. I would not and it got to the point that some lady thought he was trying to hurt me, so he left me there. I don't remember any of that or anything else. A friend brought me home, but not until like 1.5 hours later! Then I fell real back and I am all bruised and stuff. I hate the bruises that you have no idea where they came from!. This was last Saturday. Have not drank since and definitely do not want to anymore! So as far as blackouts, I can understand where you are coming from.

JenB

I had reapeated black outs towards the end of my drinking. It was one of the main reasons for stopping drinking. My husband and I had gone out and on the way home I hit him in the face while he was driving. Needless to say....he hit back one minute I was with it and didnt know why we were hitting each other and the next would black out. Totallyt time home from the bar was about 20 minutes in that time we had beat each other severly. He went to jail I still dont know how I didnt go with him. Long story short since that day neither one of us have had a drink and won't do to what all it costed us. But definentaly had the spotty blackouts. Havent had any for 5 mths of sobriety though

NewDayNow

Hi again LouLou,

One more thing.

This is a post I made in the "where were you" thread. I made this post while still feeling some fairly severe physical withdrawals and a heavy brain fog. I was 5 days sober at the time. I think it more or less sums the whole thing up from my point of view.

“Thanks for digging up this old thread NyMinute. I've been working on my list and this one will make a "great" addition. Can't believe this one wasn't the first thing I wrote down. It is the scary one. The shakes will now move down to number two.

I've had many a black out. The amount of alcohol it takes probably depends on the drinker, and how fast it's drank.

Here are a few of the places I've found myself in the morning-------

I have woke up in my car many times. Sometimes in my driveway and sometimes parked in the woods or maybe a strip mall parking lot. Woke up sitting at the dinning room table, in the bath tub with my clothes on and soaking wet. Woke up in bed with my clothes on including my shoes. I even woke up one time sitting next to the lake with a fishing pole and tackle box.

Had no idea how I ended up in those places. Had no idea were I got that poll and box.

Never had a DUI
I never woke up in jail and if I had, I wouldn't remember how I got there.

Like I said, scary--- For me and the people I didn't hurt or kill.

Another reason to take it one day at a time”

Feeling nothing but gratitude for these sober days
Ed

CarolD

JenB....
Welcome to our recovery community

NoelleR

Regarding the exerpt from the book: Under the Influence.....?

"...{Page 108 & Others}

The middle-stage alcoholic has probably been having blackouts from time to time. Blackouts are a very distinctive feature of alcoholism, and one symptom that clearly distinguishes alcoholics from non-alcoholics. The events which occur during an alcoholic blackout are not forgotten; they are simply not stored or are imperfectly stored in the brain. There is nothing there to be recalled later.

During a blackout, the alcoholic may be functioning normally and aware of everything that is happening around him. He continues to talk, walk, eat, drive a car, conduct a business deal, or make love to his wife. Yet on sobering up, he has no memory trace of what occurred during a certain time period -- it could be a minute, an hour, or even several days. In the early stages of the disease, blackouts are relatively infrequent, but as the disease progresses, they occur more often and last for longer periods of time.

Jack attended a series of weekend meetings held in a city 90 miles from his home. The last meeting ended in midafternoon, and Jack retired to the bar with several friends. It was happy hour, and the bartender announced a special on martinis: six ounces of gin for just $2.00. Jack drank four specials and then decided to order dinner before he drove home. With dinner, he drank a bottle of wine. It was late when he started driving, but he remembered watching the moon rise over the low hills. The next thing he knew and could later recall, he was travelling 110 mph and was 25 miles past his exit. He had driven 100 miles in a blackout.

It is not difficult to imagine how frightening blackouts can be. The alcoholic may wake up in the morning with no recall of the events of the previous evening. He gets out of bed, afraid to inspect his clothes -- did he get sick? Then the question occurs to him: "How did I get home?" He looks out the window, fearful that the car will be missing. He does not remember driving home.

The car is there, and he has another, even more frightening thought: "Did I hit something or someone?" He runs outside and looks at the front end. He searches the seats for clues to help him piece the lost time back together. Humiliating thoughts race through his mind: "Did I disgrace myself? Will my friends talk to me? How can I find out what happened when I am too embarrassed to admit that I don't remember?"

Blackouts can be so frightening that they make the alcoholic question his sanity. For the first time he may realize that he is in deep trouble with alcohol. Despite his increasing problems, however, the middle-stage alcoholic rarely considers giving up drinking..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just want to go on record here with some info from recent research regarding blackouts (remember, 'Under the Influence' was written back in 1984 when it was thought that blackouts signified that a person WAS an alcoholic). We now KNOW that blackouts are much more common than was thought in the past.....

Plz see the links I've posted, in the past elsewhere on these boards, including Duke University's research into alcoholic blackouts.....

Alcohol and memory: Blackouts
Alcohol-induced blackouts

Blood Alcohol Concentrations (BAC) and blackouts
Alcohol-induced blackouts

Do blackouts always suggest alcoholism?
Alcohol-induced blackouts

Blackouts beyond alcoholics
Alcohol-induced blackouts

Are some people more likely to blackout than others?
Alcohol-induced blackouts

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I hope some of these are helpful..... (o: Even though all the links seem to be the same, honest, they'll take you to the specific parts that address the statement/qauestion just above each one. In short, what they all boil down to is that blackouts are just a sign that someone took in too much alcohol too fast; could happen to ANYONE--alcoholics and NON-alcoholiics alike.


NoelleR

LouLou629

AWESOME POSTS GUYS AND GALS! Sincerely thanking each and every one of you who shared with me, I am now going to check out all the links suggested andI look forward to learning more. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!