I am really scared right now
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
What Ro said.
I've had to wash my hands of a friend in my life who chooses not to embrace recovery. I can't and won't enable them to their death. I will say to you what I have said to him:
When you are ready to go to any lengths..well, I'm right here.
I've had to wash my hands of a friend in my life who chooses not to embrace recovery. I can't and won't enable them to their death. I will say to you what I have said to him:
When you are ready to go to any lengths..well, I'm right here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
I'm glad you're back.
It made me sad, knowing you'd gone back out there, but I had a really rough day today, and thinking of the feelings you're going through right now, got me through it clean.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm glad you're back.
It made me sad, knowing you'd gone back out there, but I had a really rough day today, and thinking of the feelings you're going through right now, got me through it clean.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Hey, chiy...
Good to hear from you. This is probably going to sound stupid (I'm a moron), so I'm apologizing right now. I don't want to upset you and I know this sounds really corny, but your post hit me very, very hard and I wanted to say this:
You need wings...
...and remember, humans can't fly.
We need help to fly.
*Hug*
Good to hear from you. This is probably going to sound stupid (I'm a moron), so I'm apologizing right now. I don't want to upset you and I know this sounds really corny, but your post hit me very, very hard and I wanted to say this:
You need wings...
...and remember, humans can't fly.
We need help to fly.
*Hug*
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I had a bit of an epiphany last weekend. I got really mad at someone else here.
I realised what I thought was practicing detachment was actually just me making it personal and getting resentful in return.
I've heard it said we don't shoot our wounded. I think that's got to be even more true here on SR.
Sometimes SR is all people have.
I've thought a lot over the last few days.
Ppl don't relapse to **** me off and support is not enabling....not if its done right.
Chiy, keep trying
D
I realised what I thought was practicing detachment was actually just me making it personal and getting resentful in return.
I've heard it said we don't shoot our wounded. I think that's got to be even more true here on SR.
Sometimes SR is all people have.
I've thought a lot over the last few days.
Ppl don't relapse to **** me off and support is not enabling....not if its done right.
Chiy, keep trying
D
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well. Ro..I completely understand where you are coming from. And honestly. I expected no different from you. I told you long ago you reminded me of one of my aunts. And yes ..If I didnt know better.I swear you were her.
In Ro's defense. I know what she is saying. I get just as frustrated with myself.
I know you will be there when I am truly ready. I know this. And I am not trying to stress anyones else out over me not getting it.
And as for what Dee said. I agree there too.
But I see it like this. As everyone has their own way to recovery. There are also many ways to support someone.
I wouldnt have any of these responces any other way. I knew what to expect when I posted I screwed up.
But you know what?
If this was last year. I wouldnt have even posted anything before hand. I made an attempt at it. But I had to rush out the door. I honestly didnt think I was going to until I was leaving the Dr.
Also last year. I would have been like..the worlds coming to an end. Theres no light. Quite the opposite.
And this is going to sound ..I dont know..I think arrogant if I were to see someone else saying this. But its not meant to be that way.
I feel good today. I feel very determined again.
Take that how you will. But I in no way am going to beat myself up over it. I screwed up. Ok here I am. Lucky as hell once again. But I am not beaten. Not yet.
I read in a local circular today a quote. A friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
I thought of the responces after I posted today.
And I was like yea..Thats right. But then I was like. You dont know what you got til its gone.
I have lost many friends along this addiction path of mine. I have gained a few back. But not all.
But I understand. I am not mad or upset. I know thats just how it has to be sometimes.
I still appreciate every single one of you.
RO and Momma. I know what you mean. Hopefully I will gain your communication again. Until then. I know you care and you will eb there when the time comes.
In Ro's defense. I know what she is saying. I get just as frustrated with myself.
I know you will be there when I am truly ready. I know this. And I am not trying to stress anyones else out over me not getting it.
And as for what Dee said. I agree there too.
But I see it like this. As everyone has their own way to recovery. There are also many ways to support someone.
I wouldnt have any of these responces any other way. I knew what to expect when I posted I screwed up.
But you know what?
If this was last year. I wouldnt have even posted anything before hand. I made an attempt at it. But I had to rush out the door. I honestly didnt think I was going to until I was leaving the Dr.
Also last year. I would have been like..the worlds coming to an end. Theres no light. Quite the opposite.
And this is going to sound ..I dont know..I think arrogant if I were to see someone else saying this. But its not meant to be that way.
I feel good today. I feel very determined again.
Take that how you will. But I in no way am going to beat myself up over it. I screwed up. Ok here I am. Lucky as hell once again. But I am not beaten. Not yet.
I read in a local circular today a quote. A friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
I thought of the responces after I posted today.
And I was like yea..Thats right. But then I was like. You dont know what you got til its gone.
I have lost many friends along this addiction path of mine. I have gained a few back. But not all.
But I understand. I am not mad or upset. I know thats just how it has to be sometimes.
I still appreciate every single one of you.
RO and Momma. I know what you mean. Hopefully I will gain your communication again. Until then. I know you care and you will eb there when the time comes.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Oh yea..I have a job interview Wed. New Holiday InN express. A huge one close to home.
Housekeeping. But that is right up my alley. Not too much interaction with anyone. Couldnt get any better than that.
Housekeeping. But that is right up my alley. Not too much interaction with anyone. Couldnt get any better than that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Originally Posted by chiynita 
I read in a local circular today a quote. A friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
Really glad to see you back Trish.
I won't give up on you.I relapsed so many times and I'm not sure I'd be here now if people had given up on me.You are not the same person you were a year ago-you've grown.Keep going!
Love,
Julesxox
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))
Good luck on the job interview. I'm thinking of applying at a Holiday Inn as a server...a friend of mine with a gazillion felonies just had his 2nd interview. I think it's about time we both find better jobs
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Good luck on the job interview. I'm thinking of applying at a Holiday Inn as a server...a friend of mine with a gazillion felonies just had his 2nd interview. I think it's about time we both find better jobs
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
"It is not shameful to relapse--the shame is in not coming back. We must smash the illusion that we can do it alone." NA Basic Text (6th ed.) p 85
Glad to hear you are back Chi...and that you are ok. I was worried about you.
Glad to hear you are back Chi...and that you are ok. I was worried about you.
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Chi, you said you feel good today...maybe it's just me, but I sense a different (happier) tone in your text (if that's possible) almost relieved. I don't know. Like I said, maybe it's just me.
Glad your back.
Glad your back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 38
I don't know anyone here, but doknow what you are feeling. I have only been off pain pills for 5 days and I am losing my mind. The whole 8 years I was taking them I never went to different docs and now that I am taking steps to get off them....I had 3 brain surgeries this Summer that finally cured my medical problem, but I got real comfy with my percocet. It's only been 5 days, but 5 long ones....even with the sleeping pills I can't sleep and I ache more now than when I had serious nerve pain.
I have been running ways to get more pills non-stop since friday, and keep thinking of my kids. Up till 5 days ago my body ws the addict and I owned my mind....if I give in I will lose both. I could get more if needed, but I am going to take the withdrawal pain and remember every crappy moment so when its all gone I will have a tool to fight a future relapse. I took between 15 and 30 percocet a day and at one point before going into surgery I was taking 150 pills every 5 days, and 150 mgs of demoral in an IV every 3 hours while in the hospital....craz as it sounds I never got high....it took my pain away and made me feel normal. After the medical pain went away I felt the high for the first time in 8 years....I enjoyed it and finished off what was left of the percocet last tuesday/wednesday morning...40 pills. I am going to miss them, but only for a little while.
I hope you didn't give in and if you did...welcome back and give it anoyher go. Most need a couple tries from what I hear.
I have been running ways to get more pills non-stop since friday, and keep thinking of my kids. Up till 5 days ago my body ws the addict and I owned my mind....if I give in I will lose both. I could get more if needed, but I am going to take the withdrawal pain and remember every crappy moment so when its all gone I will have a tool to fight a future relapse. I took between 15 and 30 percocet a day and at one point before going into surgery I was taking 150 pills every 5 days, and 150 mgs of demoral in an IV every 3 hours while in the hospital....craz as it sounds I never got high....it took my pain away and made me feel normal. After the medical pain went away I felt the high for the first time in 8 years....I enjoyed it and finished off what was left of the percocet last tuesday/wednesday morning...40 pills. I am going to miss them, but only for a little while.
I hope you didn't give in and if you did...welcome back and give it anoyher go. Most need a couple tries from what I hear.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
This is going to sound really stupid.
But maybe I needed to screw up to kick my a$$ in gear agiain.
I was living miserably there the past month or so. I felt dead.
I really did.
Today. I dont feel angry..depressed. None of that. I dont know. Maybe too much cocaine and its still kickin. But I feel ready and motivated again.
Its too easy to come here and say I F***ed up. Whats the point. Life sucks. And all that.
My life doesnt suck. And I guess what I am saying is. Maybe I needed to see the **** side of the world again to reimnd me how lucky I am.
Or maybe I am just being delusional.
Either way. I dont feel like I am just existing today.
I feel like a fire has been lit again.
Sorry if I am disappointing anyone. But I just dont feel too bad about doing it.
And I am in no way saying it was a good thing. Actually ..I really dont know what it is I am trying to say.
I just know I am so relieved not to feel that rage and sadness right now.
I let my father down. In a big way. And myself by going back out. Thats all that bothers me from the whole thing.
I am a fighter. I always have been. And I always will be.
I had a boyfriend once that told me I was like a pitbull. I always keep coming back for more.
I am not perfect. As is noone.
And I guess a little like Matty was sayiong in his thread. Breaking barriers.
I am not going to come back with my head hung low feeling sorry for myself.
not this time.
Sorry if that sounds cocky. But it is what it is.
I have to keep trying. And I cant ever regret anything I do too much. Because it all plays a part in the bigger picture.
I will get it one day. Maybe this time. Maybe not. but I knwo I will never give up.
But maybe I needed to screw up to kick my a$$ in gear agiain.
I was living miserably there the past month or so. I felt dead.
I really did.
Today. I dont feel angry..depressed. None of that. I dont know. Maybe too much cocaine and its still kickin. But I feel ready and motivated again.
Its too easy to come here and say I F***ed up. Whats the point. Life sucks. And all that.
My life doesnt suck. And I guess what I am saying is. Maybe I needed to see the **** side of the world again to reimnd me how lucky I am.
Or maybe I am just being delusional.
Either way. I dont feel like I am just existing today.
I feel like a fire has been lit again.
Sorry if I am disappointing anyone. But I just dont feel too bad about doing it.
And I am in no way saying it was a good thing. Actually ..I really dont know what it is I am trying to say.
I just know I am so relieved not to feel that rage and sadness right now.
I let my father down. In a big way. And myself by going back out. Thats all that bothers me from the whole thing.
I am a fighter. I always have been. And I always will be.
I had a boyfriend once that told me I was like a pitbull. I always keep coming back for more.
I am not perfect. As is noone.
And I guess a little like Matty was sayiong in his thread. Breaking barriers.
I am not going to come back with my head hung low feeling sorry for myself.
not this time.
Sorry if that sounds cocky. But it is what it is.
I have to keep trying. And I cant ever regret anything I do too much. Because it all plays a part in the bigger picture.
I will get it one day. Maybe this time. Maybe not. but I knwo I will never give up.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
Hi Chi,
Taken me a while to read all these posts. I was a serial relapser for a long time. I was given tough Love as Ro and Momma have given you (which I agree with) and I was also given gentle encouragement. At the end of the day, I had to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was/is My journey and no-one else could give me the clean/sober time I desperately wanted in my heart. Having said that, you've been honest with yourself and us -Step One is about honesty. You know that beating yourself up about what has happened doesn't help. Finding the courage to change does. What can you do differently this time to prevent a relapse? Have you got enough support to help you - I could NOT stop and stay stopped on my own. Please keep posting whatever happens. Don't give up on yourself or the prospect of recovery. You can do this if you really want it. Love in Fellowship.
Taken me a while to read all these posts. I was a serial relapser for a long time. I was given tough Love as Ro and Momma have given you (which I agree with) and I was also given gentle encouragement. At the end of the day, I had to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was/is My journey and no-one else could give me the clean/sober time I desperately wanted in my heart. Having said that, you've been honest with yourself and us -Step One is about honesty. You know that beating yourself up about what has happened doesn't help. Finding the courage to change does. What can you do differently this time to prevent a relapse? Have you got enough support to help you - I could NOT stop and stay stopped on my own. Please keep posting whatever happens. Don't give up on yourself or the prospect of recovery. You can do this if you really want it. Love in Fellowship.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Thank you Chiy for coming back. Thank you for talking your experience through with us and I think, nah - I know you're going to make it. Not making it is just not an option. Don't apologize for not feeling the despair that you had felt in the past during a relapse. I don't think despair is always a good thing. Any ways, I want you to know that you have helped this alcoholic and most likely, many more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
This is gonna sound corny Trish and it hate it when people say it to me but...what are you gonna do different this time?
Anything?
I am not trying to be smart, I relapsed again the other week so it is a genuine question I am asking myself too.
You are right not to get down about the relapse, it is done, time to move on. Sometimes being tough can work against us though, we won't admit defeat. I think we need to admit drugs/alcohol has us beat. And never forget that.
Anything?
I am not trying to be smart, I relapsed again the other week so it is a genuine question I am asking myself too.
You are right not to get down about the relapse, it is done, time to move on. Sometimes being tough can work against us though, we won't admit defeat. I think we need to admit drugs/alcohol has us beat. And never forget that.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am not exactly sure what I am going to do different.
I am going to have to think about that.
I definately know I need to not isolte as much as I was doing there for the past month or so.
When I said I wasnt beat. I meant as far as the depression and sadness and anger.
I know drugs are kickin my butt.
But I cant let the emotions beat me.
For the past month I know you guys saw me going crazy.
I was sinking into myself.
I cant do that.
More F2F contact wouldnt hurt.
I just cant take meetings.
They just get so mundane. Hearing the same thing over and over.
No amount of coffee can keep e awake soemtimes.
And I hate to say that because I feel like I am disrespecting people. I dont mean to sound that way.
But hearing the same thing all the time and all the one liners and all that jus isnt my thing.
And all the dang hugging and people in your face.
That was my experience at every meeting I tried.
I dont want anyone anytime to just come plowing in my face pressing me with all the you need to do this and the book says you HAVE to do this and heres my number and whats yours and all that.
I hate talking on the phone. Let alone with strangers.
It is just too much for. Especially for a newcomer.
It is scary. And it feels pushy to me.
No offense to the ones that meetings have helped.
I know the rooms are a lifesaver for alot of people.
I just cant go to that level of interaction with people.
If I could go and just sit without people wanting to start beating me in the head with things. I wouldnt mind.
That has been my experience at every meeting I have gone to.
I dont know. I need to be able to approach people in my time.
I am going to have to think about that.
I definately know I need to not isolte as much as I was doing there for the past month or so.
When I said I wasnt beat. I meant as far as the depression and sadness and anger.
I know drugs are kickin my butt.
But I cant let the emotions beat me.
For the past month I know you guys saw me going crazy.
I was sinking into myself.
I cant do that.
More F2F contact wouldnt hurt.
I just cant take meetings.
They just get so mundane. Hearing the same thing over and over.
No amount of coffee can keep e awake soemtimes.
And I hate to say that because I feel like I am disrespecting people. I dont mean to sound that way.
But hearing the same thing all the time and all the one liners and all that jus isnt my thing.
And all the dang hugging and people in your face.
That was my experience at every meeting I tried.
I dont want anyone anytime to just come plowing in my face pressing me with all the you need to do this and the book says you HAVE to do this and heres my number and whats yours and all that.
I hate talking on the phone. Let alone with strangers.
It is just too much for. Especially for a newcomer.
It is scary. And it feels pushy to me.
No offense to the ones that meetings have helped.
I know the rooms are a lifesaver for alot of people.
I just cant go to that level of interaction with people.
If I could go and just sit without people wanting to start beating me in the head with things. I wouldnt mind.
That has been my experience at every meeting I have gone to.
I dont know. I need to be able to approach people in my time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Hi chi....yeah I've been to meetings like that...
So if you have SR and use it to support your sobriety, can you get face to face with people on some other basis? Churchy stuff, hobbies, stuff like that? Now I go to zazen once a week and those people are definately not the huggy type ...but we have a common interest and practice. My son does photography and belongs to a photo club.
I have found that it has helped me as well to pm people a little more....
I "hear" commitment in your "voice" chi!!! You sound like you are really looking at things and for new approaches.
Keep on keepin on!
So if you have SR and use it to support your sobriety, can you get face to face with people on some other basis? Churchy stuff, hobbies, stuff like that? Now I go to zazen once a week and those people are definately not the huggy type ...but we have a common interest and practice. My son does photography and belongs to a photo club.
I have found that it has helped me as well to pm people a little more....
I "hear" commitment in your "voice" chi!!! You sound like you are really looking at things and for new approaches.
Keep on keepin on!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 18,299
Originally Posted by chiynita
When I said I wasnt beat. I meant as far as the depression and sadness and anger.
I know drugs are kickin my butt.
But I cant let the emotions beat me.
I know drugs are kickin my butt.
But I cant let the emotions beat me.
Isolation is a big one for me too, right now I am going to a lot of meetings...I don't love them either but no-one gets in my face and people aren't 'huggy' at the ones I go to.
F2F contact without meetings....is there an alternative?
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Trish, I am so glad you made it back...
For a while now, I have been thinking about your anger and all the 'emotions' that you have been talking about and dealing with in the weeks leading up to this relapse, and I think the 'thing' that you could do this time is get some one on one therapy to explore the anger and rage that took you out...*do whatever it takes*.... Grateful
For a while now, I have been thinking about your anger and all the 'emotions' that you have been talking about and dealing with in the weeks leading up to this relapse, and I think the 'thing' that you could do this time is get some one on one therapy to explore the anger and rage that took you out...*do whatever it takes*....
Grateful
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
