I am really scared right now
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
(((Trish))) Thank you for checking in. I hope you'll come back as soon as your ready and hopefully, sooner. The title to your thread "I am really scared now" was very appropriate because I know we have been REALLY scared for you. Sending love, peace, and good healing energy your way friend. I can't say it enough thank you, but please expand with the "I'm not good" when you can.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well..No big surprise. I took that left turn again instead of the right one. Evrytime home is always right and drugs to the left. Pretty ironic or what?
I spent $500 and all though I do have my job. All my bills are ok. I did have to pay my dad $100 for the van with that. And he isnt happy at all. In fact. He said I cant do anything right. So I guess we are back at the not speaking to me again.
Went to go to work and I had a flat. $20 my grams gave me for gas paid to plug the tire. And yet I still sit here not wanting to go to work yet.
I hate the job so much but I have to go.
I have eaten obsene amounts of food. Drank about a gallon of water. My body is bloated from the cocaine. My eyes are puffy from using. My hands are tore up from picking them and cuts and blisters from the pipe.
4mos yesterday gone.
Just like that.
I got good news at the Dr. A procedure I have been waiting to get done was considered. And so what made me go left?
Curiosity. I was just going to roll through and see what I could see. I saw a couple people. They told me how good I looked. HUgs and kisses and all that ****.
Then here she came. This girl I knew jumped in and handed me a piece. That was it. It was a wrap.
She knew nothing about me having money. She always gives me ****.
But thats not the point.
I said if I ever went back I wouldnt even try again.
I dont feel that way. I feel more determined than ever to get and keep it.
But that could change.
I still am not rested completely. I have to work 10 hr days up until Sun to make up for 2 days lost last week.
I have my court cost of almost 400 bucks due Nov 6. That I wont be able to pay now.
One time screwed the whole system of my paying anything up.
Oh..And I got a ticket for not stopping all the way at a stop sign.
I thought they saw me leaving the spot and I had alot of drugs on me. Some of it went out the window.
What seemed like a memory seems so real again. Before it seemed like using was so long passed. Now its like I never stopped.
Now..Knowing my luck..they will be bringing in the lab for drug screening this week or something at work.
I am going to start looking for another job anyway.
I stopped OP again because I just cant make it. Not with how my schedule is.
I am going to go see a Pdoc for depression or whatever and take the friggin meds this time. As much as I hate to take them. I guess I should at least try and see if they help with the empty feelings I have even when not using.
How can I sit here and tell someone to see a Dr about the same thing and not do it myself?
My family hasnt said anything. Except my dad. But thats just how my dad is. He doesnt give a rats a$$ about me really. So whatever. He should be the one who understands the most. But he wrote me off long before I was doing drugs.
I am a reminder of his days of using. I know it. I remind him of the woman he loved so much but always beat the **** out of and lost. I am just a bad memory to him.
I dont even know him really.
So why try?
I am going to work late today. And after I kill myself with all those hours this week to ensure I have a good check to make up for what I threw in the pipe.
I have to find a job where I do not have to deal with people on that level as I do there.
I cant just get by anymore. I am tired of just settling for whatever.
I need to be happy. And sitting on my a$$ listening to people disrespect me on the phone because they are md at a company is not it.
I will be ok. I need some more rest and let my head clear up a little more before making any drastic moves.
Thx for everyones responces.
I would say I am sorry I let you down. But the only one I let down is me.
Not my family..not anyone except myself.
I am over pleasing others with what I do in my life.
My dad can be mad. He will get his money. But I am not here or doing anything for anyone.
I am all about me mow.
They can all pass judgment and look at me all disappointed. I dont care right now.
Noone is living this shell of a **** life but me. And not one of them will ever understand.
I dont even understand.
Well thats it.
I spent $500 and all though I do have my job. All my bills are ok. I did have to pay my dad $100 for the van with that. And he isnt happy at all. In fact. He said I cant do anything right. So I guess we are back at the not speaking to me again.
Went to go to work and I had a flat. $20 my grams gave me for gas paid to plug the tire. And yet I still sit here not wanting to go to work yet.
I hate the job so much but I have to go.
I have eaten obsene amounts of food. Drank about a gallon of water. My body is bloated from the cocaine. My eyes are puffy from using. My hands are tore up from picking them and cuts and blisters from the pipe.
4mos yesterday gone.
Just like that.
I got good news at the Dr. A procedure I have been waiting to get done was considered. And so what made me go left?
Curiosity. I was just going to roll through and see what I could see. I saw a couple people. They told me how good I looked. HUgs and kisses and all that ****.
Then here she came. This girl I knew jumped in and handed me a piece. That was it. It was a wrap.
She knew nothing about me having money. She always gives me ****.
But thats not the point.
I said if I ever went back I wouldnt even try again.
I dont feel that way. I feel more determined than ever to get and keep it.
But that could change.
I still am not rested completely. I have to work 10 hr days up until Sun to make up for 2 days lost last week.
I have my court cost of almost 400 bucks due Nov 6. That I wont be able to pay now.
One time screwed the whole system of my paying anything up.
Oh..And I got a ticket for not stopping all the way at a stop sign.
I thought they saw me leaving the spot and I had alot of drugs on me. Some of it went out the window.
What seemed like a memory seems so real again. Before it seemed like using was so long passed. Now its like I never stopped.
Now..Knowing my luck..they will be bringing in the lab for drug screening this week or something at work.
I am going to start looking for another job anyway.
I stopped OP again because I just cant make it. Not with how my schedule is.
I am going to go see a Pdoc for depression or whatever and take the friggin meds this time. As much as I hate to take them. I guess I should at least try and see if they help with the empty feelings I have even when not using.
How can I sit here and tell someone to see a Dr about the same thing and not do it myself?
My family hasnt said anything. Except my dad. But thats just how my dad is. He doesnt give a rats a$$ about me really. So whatever. He should be the one who understands the most. But he wrote me off long before I was doing drugs.
I am a reminder of his days of using. I know it. I remind him of the woman he loved so much but always beat the **** out of and lost. I am just a bad memory to him.
I dont even know him really.
So why try?
I am going to work late today. And after I kill myself with all those hours this week to ensure I have a good check to make up for what I threw in the pipe.
I have to find a job where I do not have to deal with people on that level as I do there.
I cant just get by anymore. I am tired of just settling for whatever.
I need to be happy. And sitting on my a$$ listening to people disrespect me on the phone because they are md at a company is not it.
I will be ok. I need some more rest and let my head clear up a little more before making any drastic moves.
Thx for everyones responces.
I would say I am sorry I let you down. But the only one I let down is me.
Not my family..not anyone except myself.
I am over pleasing others with what I do in my life.
My dad can be mad. He will get his money. But I am not here or doing anything for anyone.
I am all about me mow.
They can all pass judgment and look at me all disappointed. I dont care right now.
Noone is living this shell of a **** life but me. And not one of them will ever understand.
I dont even understand.
Well thats it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
Chi...I'm glad you came and shared about what happened and where you are at today. I believe you can do this. For me the things I learned that worked for me in previous sobrieties...helps me to stay sober today!
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
I am just glad you are safe. The money is nothing compared to that. You didn't throw away four months or almost four months. You didn't use during that time and the sh*t finally hit the fan. Took me almost a year to get completely clean from meth and the depression that set in was awful - it's a very difficult drug to beat (the crack). I've been thinking about you every day since your post and will continue to do so....
Kathleen
Kathleen
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Thank you so much Trish and I mean it. I leave in a couple of days and I am just glad to know you are in one piece and not still out there. Please keep checking in. I know you can't answer all the pm's you must have received, but know that there are a lot of people here that really love you and care for you. Still saying prayers for peace for your soul. I think you are a REALLY good person Trish and I mean it. (((Trish)))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: England
Posts: 1,981
Your right the only people we let down is ourselves! no one really judges us but us!
You do care and you feel disappointed or you wouldn't have posted.
Chi, you are doing just fine. You may have taken a little step to the left but u are right back here!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
I am bewildered when this happens. When you get some clean time, come here and start a thread asking for help .. and don't even wait around to read what is posted before picking up again.
I've had to detach from this thread, and others of yours, Trish, because I have grown to genuinely care about you, and I can't read this stuff anymore.
There are others here who I care about and I'm just too burned out from seeing them repeat the same vicious cycle.
This isn't about judgement. I'm afraid that I may one day kill someone with my kindness so I'm going to keep it real...
Whether you use every day or every 4 months, you're still playing Russian Roulette and there are no guarantees that you'll make it back.
I'm done giving advice.
I've had to detach from this thread, and others of yours, Trish, because I have grown to genuinely care about you, and I can't read this stuff anymore.
There are others here who I care about and I'm just too burned out from seeing them repeat the same vicious cycle.
This isn't about judgement. I'm afraid that I may one day kill someone with my kindness so I'm going to keep it real...
Whether you use every day or every 4 months, you're still playing Russian Roulette and there are no guarantees that you'll make it back.
I'm done giving advice.
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