I just can't
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
coffeboy first what I refer to as my drunkalogue.
I drank for 40 years, every year it got worse, never better.
At about the 30 year point I was beginning to see that drinking was causing some issues for me and those around me so I spent the next 5 years alternating between quitting drinking and controling my drinking!
At around the 35 year point I would start drinking at the latest 1PM every day the second I got off work and would drink until I went to bed or passed out. Why? Because my disease had progressed to the point where I was not only mentally and spiritually addicted to alcohol, I was now physically addicted to it. Drinking was no longer an option for me, I needed to drink to function every day.
Well at the 40 year point I was at a turning point, my world was starting to tumble around me and I had to make a choice, keep on drinking and lose it all and die a slow alcoholic death............. or stop drinking!! I had hit "MY" bottom!
I was incapable of stopping on my own so I went to my doctor and told him the WHOLE truth about my drinking. He sent me to detox and for the first time in 5 years I drew a sober breath!
What I learned was now that I was actually physically sober, I was entering a place I had not been in years.... trying to stay sober which was far harder then the physical detox, the mental obsession was INSANE!!!!!
Lucky for me in detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober when I left there to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor. Well I followed thier suggestion and here it is over 2 years later and I am still sober and happy!!!
Here is the neatest thing of all, every alcoholic that gets sober gets to pick thier own bottom!!!
My bottom was pretty low mentally & physically for me, but not materially.
For others thier bottom is more mental & material.
For others it is jail or prison.
For some it is some horrible accident due to drinking.
For many it is a matter of becoming so sick and tired of being sick and tired!
Some lose it all!!!
Some lose nothing!
Sadly most of us find our bottom 6 foot under!
Coffeeboy, pick your bottom! Are you there yet?
How does one know when they are at thier bottom?
For most people, myself included it was when I/we hit the point where we are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober no matter what!
Are you there yet?
Ask your self...... "Do I want to keep digging this hole or am I ready to stop digging?"
I encourage you if and when you decide enough is enough that you do not try as I and many others have anb try it alone.
I and many others have found long term happy sobriety using the program of AA. If AA is not for you there are other programs that work for others, be willing to try them all if need be. To my knowledge I do not think any of them object to someone using more then one program at a time.
I drank for 40 years, every year it got worse, never better.
At about the 30 year point I was beginning to see that drinking was causing some issues for me and those around me so I spent the next 5 years alternating between quitting drinking and controling my drinking!
At around the 35 year point I would start drinking at the latest 1PM every day the second I got off work and would drink until I went to bed or passed out. Why? Because my disease had progressed to the point where I was not only mentally and spiritually addicted to alcohol, I was now physically addicted to it. Drinking was no longer an option for me, I needed to drink to function every day.
Well at the 40 year point I was at a turning point, my world was starting to tumble around me and I had to make a choice, keep on drinking and lose it all and die a slow alcoholic death............. or stop drinking!! I had hit "MY" bottom!
I was incapable of stopping on my own so I went to my doctor and told him the WHOLE truth about my drinking. He sent me to detox and for the first time in 5 years I drew a sober breath!
What I learned was now that I was actually physically sober, I was entering a place I had not been in years.... trying to stay sober which was far harder then the physical detox, the mental obsession was INSANE!!!!!
Lucky for me in detox they told me if I wanted a chance to stay sober when I left there to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor. Well I followed thier suggestion and here it is over 2 years later and I am still sober and happy!!!
Here is the neatest thing of all, every alcoholic that gets sober gets to pick thier own bottom!!!
My bottom was pretty low mentally & physically for me, but not materially.
For others thier bottom is more mental & material.
For others it is jail or prison.
For some it is some horrible accident due to drinking.
For many it is a matter of becoming so sick and tired of being sick and tired!
Some lose it all!!!
Some lose nothing!
Sadly most of us find our bottom 6 foot under!
Coffeeboy, pick your bottom! Are you there yet?
How does one know when they are at thier bottom?
For most people, myself included it was when I/we hit the point where we are willing to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober no matter what!
Are you there yet?
Ask your self...... "Do I want to keep digging this hole or am I ready to stop digging?"
I encourage you if and when you decide enough is enough that you do not try as I and many others have anb try it alone.
I and many others have found long term happy sobriety using the program of AA. If AA is not for you there are other programs that work for others, be willing to try them all if need be. To my knowledge I do not think any of them object to someone using more then one program at a time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 65
Thanks all. I have not been logging in or posting, because I don't wish to keep posting : drank again today, drank again today, over and over again.
I knew this would happen, I had normal blood tests when I saw my doctor, so now I have an excuse to just keep drinking. I have not wanted it bad enough, I want it, I just am not trying hard enough.
I am going to be starting a new job mid November, so I will have to get up very early for training purposes. This will go on for several weeks. Getting up early always motivates me to stop. So if I don't stop before then, I hope to do so by the time I start the training.
To explain my job, I own a retail store that is not doing well, so I have have my sons operate it, while I go out and find additional income. The business not doing well has really contributed to my stress, and wanting to drink.
I know why I came here, I know why I found this site. I have always drank, but this year became the year of real heavy drinking, and hiding it, and I really hide it. I have recognized I have a problem, I really know it now, I just have to really want to quit. I know all of this, I am just not doing it. I will quit rambling. Thanks again.
I knew this would happen, I had normal blood tests when I saw my doctor, so now I have an excuse to just keep drinking. I have not wanted it bad enough, I want it, I just am not trying hard enough.
I am going to be starting a new job mid November, so I will have to get up very early for training purposes. This will go on for several weeks. Getting up early always motivates me to stop. So if I don't stop before then, I hope to do so by the time I start the training.
To explain my job, I own a retail store that is not doing well, so I have have my sons operate it, while I go out and find additional income. The business not doing well has really contributed to my stress, and wanting to drink.
I know why I came here, I know why I found this site. I have always drank, but this year became the year of real heavy drinking, and hiding it, and I really hide it. I have recognized I have a problem, I really know it now, I just have to really want to quit. I know all of this, I am just not doing it. I will quit rambling. Thanks again.
Black and Yellow
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by coffeeboy 
I know why I came here, I know why I found this site. I have always drank, but this year became the year of real heavy drinking, and hiding it, and I really hide it. I have recognized I have a problem, I really know it now, I just have to really want to quit. I know all of this, I am just not doing it.
It sounds like this may be the beginning of the end of a way of life you are tired of living. Hopefully soon you will surrender and start to heal. I wish the best for you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
All the times I quit drinking from last December til mid July, I kept relapsing. I finally managed to stay sober when I wanted to stay sober MORE than I wanted to drink. Once I'd made up my mind firmly to that fact I was able to stay sober - over three months now and that's amazing for me.
I realize now that I was still, during all those failed attempts, chasing that 'high' from wine. I never got it again like I used to get it, and I was just drinking to get numb if not high. I'd been to detox/rehab three times this year and relapsed after each time because I still wanted to drink, even tho my drinking wasn't doing what it used to do to/for me.
I hope and pray you get and stay sober before something awful happens to you. I was lucky to not have any accidents or DUIs but it was only a matter of time before my luck ran out. I'm glad I stopped when I did.
You will stay sober when you want to stay sober MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I hope that happens soon for you, I really do. I still have problems in my life, but now I can work on solving them instead of escaping from them.
:ghug3
I realize now that I was still, during all those failed attempts, chasing that 'high' from wine. I never got it again like I used to get it, and I was just drinking to get numb if not high. I'd been to detox/rehab three times this year and relapsed after each time because I still wanted to drink, even tho my drinking wasn't doing what it used to do to/for me.
I hope and pray you get and stay sober before something awful happens to you. I was lucky to not have any accidents or DUIs but it was only a matter of time before my luck ran out. I'm glad I stopped when I did.
You will stay sober when you want to stay sober MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I hope that happens soon for you, I really do. I still have problems in my life, but now I can work on solving them instead of escaping from them.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by SlvrMag
It sounds like this may be the beginning of the end of a way of life you are tired of living. Hopefully soon you will surrender and start to heal. I wish the best for you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I hope you find your way soon CB!
It will be awesome when you start stringing your sober days together, one after the other. Then you get to reach out to others and help them find their way to overcome the addiction to alcohol. That rocks! Sharing and caring one day at a time, together.
It will be awesome when you start stringing your sober days together, one after the other. Then you get to reach out to others and help them find their way to overcome the addiction to alcohol. That rocks! Sharing and caring one day at a time, together.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 191
CoffeeBoy, Thank you for the honesty. I can assure you we have all been in your shoes. I can also assure you that it's only going to get worse, and more insane. I tried many times to quit by myself, but it never worked. If you really want to quit, why not TRY an AA meeting or two. What do you honestly have to lose, besides your addiction?
Tom
Tom
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 191
To follow-up, you may be intersested in the thread below concerning AA. I obviously cannot control other peoples opinions or what they write, but it may answer some of your questions.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-meetings.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-meetings.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 65
Ok, I made it through the day yesterday. I didn't sleep the best. My restless legs came back. But I do feel good. I think I am in the right frame of mind right now. So wish me good luck on this second day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 65
Thanks, still looking positive for this evening. I even had a friend co-worker just talk to me about Liquor!! I mean what a coincidence! A friend of his walked in, and they both sat down by me, and they were talking about all the different drinks they like, different beers, gin & tonic, different scotches etc.
Usually that would make me start thinking about drinking right there. Well it didn't! It is such a coincidence that I am trying to stay off the stuff, only on my second day and that happened! I can't remember a conversation I have ever had that talked so much about different drinks, and I was once a bartender!
(Maybe it was a test from above~!?)
I think I will be fine tonight. I have no booze at home, (except my wife's wine that I don't care for). So not much temptation. I going to try for a second day.
Usually that would make me start thinking about drinking right there. Well it didn't! It is such a coincidence that I am trying to stay off the stuff, only on my second day and that happened! I can't remember a conversation I have ever had that talked so much about different drinks, and I was once a bartender!
(Maybe it was a test from above~!?)
I think I will be fine tonight. I have no booze at home, (except my wife's wine that I don't care for). So not much temptation. I going to try for a second day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 65
Good morning! I DID IT! I am feeling more positive. I made it through a second day! I slept a little better. My eyes look like I have a hangover though, don't get that. I don't know what has put me in this correct quitting mode, but I still am there. Maybe it is everyone's positive thoughts, thanks! I am hoping for another clean day. I might have to quit posting in "I just can't" if I continue, I may have to find another thread! I don't want to get ahead of myself, I did 2 days once before and didn't make it to day 3.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Don't question why, but be glad its sticking. You're doing everything right Coffeeboy!! Congratulations and here's to another sober day. My eyes were red in the morning for awhile after too and they are definitely now due to a head cold. :ghug3
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by coffeeboy
I might have to quit posting in "I just can't" if I continue, I may have to find another thread!
Yeah! Great!
Starting a new thread with a positive attitude is a good idea!
I'm happy to see you stringing your sober days together. One day at a time. One moment at a time. Literally. That is how we are doing it.
Congratulations!:ghug3
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