Alive

I’ve had a really hard time with self love. But I’ve made progress. The self destruction in my life has been huge. I’ve walked way further into places I didn’t need to. Or maybe I did, because I was too stubborn to see some other thing.

You know, I used to ask people how did I stop it. No one ever answered to me with something that did it. There’s good tips and great teaching, but how do you stop yourself?

I always had a plan b. I guess for many years now. My plan b was giving up. That always assured me that if life got too tuff I would simply give up.I guess I was afraid of pain. The thing is I used pain, to hide from pain. I know today, that if it burns inside, then it’s because you’re alive, and to get out of that place you need to feel, and probably one of the first things you’ll feel is a liberating and devastating pain. Some stuff is no longer happening, but on my brain, it was like it was still going on. I realized you give the matter you “want” to something. And yes, I have traumas. But they stop haunting you when you teach yourself it’s not happening anymore. That you are in charge of your life.

I never met anyone that told me they felt exactly like me. I think I grew a habit of victimizing myself, so I kept finding ways of destruction.

I am scared of pain. I am scared of not being able to deal with pain. So I live in apathy.

A certain kind of pain was what I knew, so I lived in the kind I knew and feared the kind that could come.

I never left anybody, because I fear that. I never gave myself to a moment or a person completely free, because I feared the after. I don’t think I ever tasted any thing like I should.

I’m much stronger, but I just pretend I’m weak. I feel emotionally unbalanced and I hate the fact I know that.

I still struggle with the fact that this anxiety and this pain is not real. That this despair is not real, that all this negativity pushing me to death is not real.

Some say that it’s a whole lifetime to be able to deal with all of this. I’m gonna be turning 24 and I don’t want to live my life like this. I want to find a way that I’ll never have that kind of plan b ever again. I want my plan b to be life. And the c, d….

I find it so sad, that for me 30 would be a miracle. My boyfriend has a chronic disease and he wants to live till 60. I really want to believe in my own future one day.

I don’t know what makes one have a different approach to life. Whether it’s karma, or genetic material.

You know. For us, that struggle with ourselves, it seems like it’s such a big battle to find a purpose. But I guess, it’s that thing that makes us think before we quit. There’s something in all of us that keeps us grabbing life with a strong hand.

I’m writing this, because I want change. Something consistent. A before and after. I don’t do substances, so there’s not a way to wake up from chemicals. I guess it’s a wake up even deeper than I know.

What i know? That there's two choices, life, or destruction. One hurts more than the other. Maybe not so obvious which. But one feels better, cuz it's real.

I have to go get dressed now. But I just wanted to say that.

Ananda

Nuno...thanks for posting...I have had some real bad stuff to deal with my past and have been in that place with it...the not wanting to live like this my whole life.

What i can say is that although it took more years than i would have liked...I don't live there anymore. and through the process there were times that were better and times that got worse...but a progress over time.

I also sought and recieved good help from professionals. And support from caring people.

:ghug

Dee74

I think most of us here have looked at plan b Nuno. Fear is very powerful..fear of being hurt, of failing, of losing something...whatever it is, it can lock us in prison, whether you turn to substances or not.

Today I am free....or getting there LOL

If there's one thing getting sober has taught me its that life sometimes stings like a b*tch, but there's a lot of joy in it too...

I want to be around to experience it all, good and bad, because that's what I'm here to do....I was born for a reason, even if I'm never entirely sure what that is...

you're right when you say to be alive is to feel pain - we can't learn and grow if everything always goes our way. There's no point in never being challenged.

I've only got a finite number of years to live - I want wring everything I can- all the good, all the lessons from the bad - outa them (in a good way LOL)

I wish you well and I wish you luck Nuno - you're a good man and a strong man. Don't doubt yourself - you have a lot of life yet - live it, man

D

least

"If I had to choose between pain and nothing, I would always choose pain." Wm Faulkner

"Pain" denotes feeling,
"Nothing" means numb.
Feeling is living,
Numb is all done.

8/06 (by me)

No matter how much it might hurt, I want to be aware of it all. If I can't feel pain I can't feel joy either.


I don't know what to say to you to ease the discomfort and fear. I am facing a lot of fear that I had been drowning for over a year. But at least my head is clear and not hurting, so I am better able to deal with 'things'.

Keep coming here. Read and post. Let your feelings out so they don't build up inside you. There is also a mental health forum, several forums actually. Give them a read. Lots of loving supportive people here. I depend a great deal on SR. So much so that if my power goes out I feel lost and disconnected.

I will keep you in my thoughts that you find a bit of peace in your life.

:ghug3