four812

hi all

it's day 5 for me today, in progress. I punch out in an hour and then i pick up my daughter and have here overnhight.

now my addict self had some ideas. it wanted to get off work early. but I am simply going to stay. it wants me to leave early or on time, and then get some stuff on the way home and then smoke it.

my addict self wants it all. it wants both. it wants for me to have a nice fullfilling and wonderful life, and it also wants me to want what it wants. another hit.

the problem is that i can't jhave both. they don't work out together. with one in my life the other is excluded. they do not intersect. they are seperate.

so my good hearted part of me says "well of course i want to have a fullfilling life, where i am kind to others and helpful to others and helpful to the planet and productive in some way and full of love".

and then I say...."too bad for all of you...i just want one more"

and ** don't want to let go. i just don't want to let go


today I keep noticing myself falling back into thinkibng about usihng, planning to use, wanting to use. wanting to include using into the plans that i have for the night.

i'm noticing this, but i'm still at work so that is great. i could have punched out and went off to the dealer hours ago. but i have stayed here at work so that is good.

I am focusing on recovery. i am trying to focus on recovery. i haven't had a chance to go to a meeting. I will try to hook up with a recovering person after work, but there won't be much time. I could take my daughter to a meeting (she's 7), but i would rather not have to put her in the position of tolerating that.

i left a message with my sponsor. he is driving with recovering people to go on a rafting trip for the weekend a few states away. he hasn't called back.

I haven't tried jto call anyone else...i do have a couple other numbers

so i came here and i have gotten some good connection

i'm grateful for the people who shared in the threads that i have recently read

I have to face this head on, that I don't want to give up this drug. despite that my "left brain thinking" knows that it will only bring me darkness and death, my addict thinking wants more. it wants one more. it says only anotyer 40 dollars. it says what the heck, have a little fun (even though it isn't any fun)

so i have to try and play out the tape. iu have to stay focused. i have to keep focusing on my one goal in life right now. my goal to stay clean. to get anothyer day clean. to be clean today. to stay clean today.

all right ... thanks for listening

least

Glad you came here and let your feelings out so they won't blow up inside you. Don't listen to your addict voice. It wants to hurt you. It wants to drag you down in the dirt so you feel like dirt. Don't do it! YOu want a better life and a better self - don't use!

Congrats on your clean time! Keep adding to it, one day at a time!

:ghug3

Hope

You said that you catch yourself making a plan to use. So now you have to make a plan not to use.

It will get easier the longer you stay clean. But if you keep giving in to your urges, you are giving it that much more power over you.

You are going to see your daughter tonight. You know using would destroy this experience. Think of the great sober time you are going to have with your daughter. These are precious moments of your life that you can't get back. Embrace them and spend it sober. Don't waste your time using, that will lead you to a dead end.

You need to find anything to distract yourself from using. JUST DON'T USE. You can do anything but that.

Call every one of those numbers of other recovering people. Tell them you are struggling.
You have to do whatever it takes to stay sober.

four812

OK....i've been creating recovery. trying to create my recovery....doing a descent job of it since my post above

and now it is time for me to pack up and leave work

i will drive 60 on the freeway...
i will not care about anyone who wants to get ahead of me or anoyone who wants to slow me down
i will put recovery stuff on the cd player if i put anything on the radio system
I will drive straight to one of two alano clubs
then I will pick up my daughter

Hope

There ya go!

That is a good plan!

You will be so glad that you stayed sober tomorrow.

I know how awful that voice is when it's screaming. But Least is right, it just wants to take you down.

The important thing is that YOU know you want recovery. Don't let that addict voice convince you otherwise.

You have a great life ahead of you. You don't need a stupid drug to steal that away from you!

You can get through this! You will feel good tomorrow about getting through it tonight.

Anna

Good for you, Ksplash!

Use whatever ideas you can come up with to shift your thinking, even for a few moments.

It's great that you recognize that your thinking was taking you in a bad direction, and that you took action!

Ananda

sorry i was asleep when you posted, but in case you get back on line a little later.....It helped me to do something with my son or family besides be in the house...to get out and go to the lake or play minigolf (even though I hate it). Anna talks alot about changing things up and that helps.

back in the old days...before we had cell phones, unlimited long distance, computers and answering machines....that list of numbers was the key to my sobriety. People may jump on this, but we got number from men and women, newer and older, from people we couldn't stand in meetings.

When the hard times hit we called the number and just kept dialing till we got someone. I had I think 30 or 40 numbers. And unbelievably...there were times where I got ahold of no one, and didn't get to hope for a call back...no caller id or message machines remember! So I start through the list again.

And sometimes you learned how to get through on your own because it's what you had to do.

Your plans and your head sound good K....I expect to see you here later filled with the knowledge that you made it through and with the confidence that comes from walking through those hard times :ghug3

barb dwyer

this is a HUGE understanding that makes an enormous difference in one's approach to sobriety.
Congratulate yourself on this if nothing else!

**********************{big hug}}}}}}}}}}

mxchaos

great job keep it simple

Astro

I can't add much, but want to add just a little of my own experience.

For my sobriety to have a foundation, I had to reach the point of putting my recovery before anything else. I had to make it to meetings daily, even if it meant missing sleep or giving up something else I had planned.

My children were 7 & 9 when I came into AA. They're 11 & 13 now, almost 4 years into my sobriety they continue to attend meetings with me at least twice a week. They've been welcomed with open arms by the other members of my group, and they've made plenty of new friends through the program.

I'm not saying that having my children attend AA meetings with me is an ideal situation, but I think they're pretty OK with having a clean and sober father. The life we share now is nothing short of a miracle, I never thought we'd know this much love together.

Dee74

hugs out ksplash - you can do this

D

Jadmack25

Well done Ksplash. My abf gets the craving for a drink and plays a song that he really relates to, it seems to focus him on the cruel reality of letting that voice pull him down. The song is Merle Haggard's, " I threw away the rose". He says he's lost a lot of roses in his life thru the beer and this reminds him of it, and it also helps strengthen him to NOT throw away the rose he has now - ME.
Keep battling the urge and that cursed voice and you can win.

SlvrMag

KSplash, Last tuesday was a VERY difficult day for me. I wanted to use.....correction: my addict self wanted to use SOOO badly I was scared. What made it so scary was how loud the voice was screaming at me, I had a little money, a vehicle, and time. I was also pissed at my husband. I had every "reason" to go get high.

But I didn't and it was very hard to be strong.

I called someone in the program and he did not answer, but he called back. I am so glad I did not listen to that voice. "It" has tried to yell at me today to but I told it to S.T.F.U.!!!!!!

back2theliving

I just wanted to say hang in there!

stefffanyy

Just stay strong and sooner or later your desire to stay clean will be stronger than your desire to use. I had to take my son to meetings with me many times. Just like we did whatever it took to use we have to do whatever it takes to stay clean.JUST FOR TODAY!!!!!!

lostbutterfly

How are you doing today ksplash?

four812

wow...i am floored in grattitude with all these responses. so kind and so helpful and so searching for trying to help me. thank you all so very much.

I made it through the night. i went to the alano club, talked to some people, sat at the opening of a meetihng and then had to go and picked up my daughter...and we had a wonderful night. she's sleeping right now.

today is my DAY 6, in progress

and i am really glad and i feel stronger because of my sucesses with last night. but i know that i have to work all the harder when i feel good or strong. so here i am. taking a moment to charge into recovery while my daughter is asleep

i woke up in a using dream anyway!..I remember in the dream that my daughter wanted some, and i let her have a little bit, and then i had more, and i wouldn't let her have anymore because i wanted it all for myself (not because i was concerned for her)...\

so that was a good way for my dream world to illustrate the magnitude of my selofishness and of my complete disregard for the good of others.

i going to go and get some breakfast going before i have to take my little girl to her saturday morning bowling.

usually i'm not able to get online much during the weekends, but this weekend i have a sprint internet plug in thing that i can use.

thanks again SR

least

Way to go on six days clean!! Keep moving forward one day at a time!

:ghug3

four812

thanks Least

my goal today, my goal right now, is to not use today and to not use right now. i'm cooking some bacon and egggs before we go to the bowling alley

i can feel some anxiety popping into my head, some uncomfortablness....kind've some boredom perhaps, some selfishness for sure, and unfulfilled desire for connection with another, with humanity

back2theliving

You are doing a great job the first few weeks are very hard, I am very proud of you! It really does get easier! Keep it up!