justme623

Just looking for feedback. I have been trying to stop drinking for quite some time. Had my last relapse in July after a loss. Since then it has been every day, tried to go back to meetings and stop a couple of times, but always fail. My questions is this.... I have hidden my drinking in the past from my husband, therefore, he thinks I am on the good path of sobriety most of the time. He has, however, caught me a couple of times and that just infuriates him! He hates that I hide it from him and has gone as far as telling me he would ALLOW me to drink if that meant I would quit lying and hide it from. Talk about enabling, that actually pissed me off because I want to stop, I want support to stop and to go to meetings. But I know a person can only hear "I promise this time" so many times. So why do out spouses / significant others allow us to keep doing this, and does it ever really work.

Pinkcuda

Because they don't understand Alcoholism. Plain and simple they can't grasp the concept of "Cannot Control the amount of intake"
My wife would alternate days. One day she would bitch about my drinking and tell me to quit. The next day she would tell me to go get a bottle of something.
There is just no way for a Non Alcoholic to relate to the Craving and the mental obsession that an Alcoholic has.
They'll actually believe that you can "control it this time" a lot longer than you will.

Fulldresser4

Hi Justme...I had two false starts before this last time. I have a little over 40 days sober and this time I am doing it the way everyone with good, clean sober time tells me. I go to meetings - 90 in 90 days, so far I have about 70 in 40 days, but only because I am laid off and am able to go. My (soon to be ex-dh) also hated the lying and the hiding, as did I. Keep in mind that "normal" people don't lie or hide the booze. I know my dh was in a whole lot of pain when I was active, and still is. As a matter of fact, and I am NOT saying this to scare you or anything like that, just sharing my story, after 10 years together, 7 married and having been through hell and back, he is now having an affair and wants a divorce. This was HIS choice. But I guess my message is this....spouses don't "allow" us to do anything. No one forced us to pick up and drink, we do it to ourselves. And it DOES work....but I know it doesn't work MY way. I can tell you that had you told me a few months ago I would watch my husband get ready for a date with his girlfriend (literally) and wouldn't pick up and drink myself to death, I would have told you you were crazy. But I haven't, and by the grace of God, I won't. I only know what has worked for me...
Go to meetings...
Get a sponsor....
Work the Steps...
Get a Big Book and read it!
Go early to the meetings and stay after the meetings. I have met the most wonderful, supportive, loving people at AA, people that even after this short time have let me count on them as they can count on me. And when I need a word of encouragement, or a hug, or someone to just listen, or let me cry, they do just that, and they understand me! And here I thought I was soooo unique, LOL.

I hope I haven't come across as "preachy". I just wanted you to know that you are NOT alone in this, and I know that many more beautiful people here on SR will be along soon to let you know that.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers...

Just take it one day at a time

TTOSBT

Aaaahhh justme. I was a closet drinker too. If my husband "caught" me he would be mad that I was hiding it and drinking out of plastic cups and not a wine glass. And my husband could not keep me stopped or even get me to stop. And of course he has no IDEA what the obsession is like. I have been sober 5 months and I don't think he really gets how extremely long that seems to me! He got quite comfortable with a sober wife pretty quick. He is a normie, to him THIS is normal, and to me it seemed more normal to sneak wine every night.

Does what ever really work? Sobriety? Yup, as long as you are willing to work for it.
You will get all the support you could ever want or need in the rooms of AA. I don't look for too much from my husband because he can not understand it. He supports me going to meetings and he knows that I need it and that it brings me serenity. He has even gotten to the point where he will suggest I go to a meeting or call my sponsor if I am acting squirrely. lol.

A new and beautiful life is waiting for you.
What are you waiting for? :ghug

Dean62

Your alcoholism has nothing to do with your husband.

The Big book with the 12 steps are a design for living our lives sober. SR and AA meetings are your support. We are the ones who can help and support you because we have all been through it and understand. Your husband bless his heart can only do so much.

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

least

I hid my drinking from my kids. Well, I thought I was hiding it. They knew, the only thing they didn't know was where I was hiding my wine bottles. I've been trying to quit drinking since the end of 07 and just now have 86 days. So it took me a lot of false stops and starts before I got serious. Now I don't have to lie and hide and disappoint my kids and myself.

This is a great place for good info and support. I give a lot of credit to my friends here for helping me want to stay sober. They didn't give up on me, even when I gave up on myself. You can do this too.

:ghug3

Chops

I can explain until I am blue in the face alcoholism to my family, girlfriends, ex-fiancee, any who cares for that matter about how I think as an alcoholic, but no words can adequately describe the eyes that I view the world through as someone who has the disease. The drunk who has known me for five minutes knows me better. My reactions to outside stimulus, ie. my feelings and how I process every emotion in life is ruled by my alcoholism both sober and fall down drunk.

So knowing this I try never to think like a "earth person" because I can't. I try never to understand their reactions to me, even more so their reactions to my actions and what I do.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the sooner I accepted that non-alcoholics are from Mars and alcoholics are from Pluto if not beyond the sooner I was able to come to terms that nothing in my recovery can be based on what they think is good for me. Not that they have bad intentions, they are just fundamentaly different, thus their suggestions / efforts can be harmful when not intended to be so.

Good Luck,

C

Rowan

The best advice I can give is to keep the focus on yourself. Go back to meetings. Get a sponsor and start working the steps. We are not only powerless over alcohol, but over people, places and things.

I hope your situation improves.