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How Do You Deal with your husband/wife/partner who drinks?

Old 10-07-2008, 01:26 PM
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How Do You Deal with your husband/wife/partner who drinks?

Hi Friends,

So I am on Day 22 and have a question for you all:

My partner of 5 years still drinks, she was basically my partner in crime, but I was much worse, sneaky and the instigator most often. She's not an addict I don't think, but does enjoy drinking.

She didn't drink for my first 19 days, but then her old friend came into town this weekend to visit and had 2 beers on Sat night- which was fine and didn't bother me (I was with them but of course did not drink!).

Then they hung out again last night- without me (my choice) and shared a bottle of wine at dinner and now I found out they had beers before dinner too- I am guessing around 3 each but not sure. This bothered me. It seemed like a lot of booze and then she came home smelling like it- ugh. such a turn off.

I think i am too new to deal with this, - am I wrong to be upset? Now we are arguing and taking to the next level and not talking- ugh, yuck, sad.


Confused...
thanks for listening.
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Old 10-07-2008, 03:38 PM
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Congratulations on your sober time - I would have had a very difficult time being around alcohol that early in the game. Truth be told, I was still find it difficult today!

So - you have choices. You can arrange ahead of time to be out of the house when her friend is over having a drink, or you could try a 'no alcohol' rule in the house. Maybe she could go elsewhere to do her drinking?

That still leaves the smell of booze on her - an understandable turnoff (or turn-on) for the recovering alkie. My ex would go out for two beer and come home and I could taste it on him. And I almost got a craving for a beer!

So - choices .. tough ones, but yes, choices.

Give yourselves some time to cool down and then maybe talk it over again.

Good luck.
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Old 10-07-2008, 04:25 PM
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Well....
I left my supportive....but still drinking lover
to protect my fragile sobriety.

He survived.....I thrived...
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Old 10-07-2008, 04:42 PM
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Hi,

That does make things difficult, but as Rowan said, you have choices.

We have a no alcohol rule in the house and that means literally, never, any alcohol. I am very thankful for that. My husband stopped drinking when I did, not in support of me, but simply because my drinking put him off alcohol. Again, I am glad he doesn't drink, but, of course, it would be alright if he did.

Have you tried talking to your partner about your concerns and maybe you can come to a compromise?
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Old 10-07-2008, 05:03 PM
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Thanks all of you.

She's going through some sort of freak out right now and admits that- her first freak out in 5 years with me, she just lost her job and is working on lining up freelance but it's not rushing in, is worried about everything, our relationship, us having kids, where she wants to live, certain things about my personality, etc- which is all a shock and total surprise to me- (we get along so very well, we are truly best friends and there's a lot of love there) she now talks of thinking of moving to SF where her family, sister and best friend is...oy vey- when it rains it pours.

I get sober and now this sh*t?? I will not drink no matter what but I am hurting, sad and feel betrayed. If she was unhappy about things, why not tell me before, why hold this in? I am so confused and in shock. I feel like she's even more confused.

She's going to SF tonight to think (we are in LA) and get space, clear her head until next Monday (she was going to go on Thurs anyhow to visit her sisters new baby and back Mon but I suggested going sooner to get space and think).

We have created a full life together- have 2 amazing dogs, a beautiful loft with all of OUR things- we were married in MA- I just am at a loss and can't help but think it is bizarre timing. I know I will cry a lot in these next few days, but I will not drink and I will pray that what G-d wants for me, will be, and I pray to be at peace with that.
Thank you all.
hugs,TTGU who is very sad today for the first time in a long time.
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Old 10-07-2008, 05:15 PM
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Wow, that is a lot to deal with.

Often, things happen when they are meant to happen, and that could be what's going on now. Have faith and stay strong.

It seems like you are being faced with issues with your partner that will need some patience to deal with. One thing you can know for sure, is that you will be in a much better frame of mind, to deal with whatever comes along, now that you're sober.
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Old 10-07-2008, 05:29 PM
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Thank you Anna- and I agree and will stay sober - I know drinking will make this worse and make me more confused. Patience is hard when you are waiting on someone to figure out their crap when it has such a massive effect on the other person (me). It's hard not to also get angry - yet I know I am just sad. Ohhhh life. My tummy is in a knot. I haven't cried like this for 7 years or so...I don't want to loose her but I can't keep her if she feels she needs to move on- and then if she comes back after her thinking I am going t have a hard time trusting her again- darn darn darn
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Old 10-07-2008, 05:36 PM
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Hey,

My girlfriend still drinks too. Maybe 4 glasses of wine when she is out at a bar. She likes being relaxed with a drink but it isnt alcoholism. Anyway, we've had drunken fights before I decided to stop drinking. Lesbian drama doesnt get any easier with alcohol does it? She and I have been much more honest about our issues since I have been sober 24/7. Maybe your partner is bringing all this up now because she knows you are sober and you are in a state to make decisions about the future. It seems like you two really love each other and that is so hard to find. Good luck and let us know what happens...
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Old 10-07-2008, 05:42 PM
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My partner doesn't talk about our issues is the problem- she keeps it all in and then explodes which she did today- and she has good points, YES, but she also needs to learn to not hold in her feelings so I can at least be given the chance to work on things- she's 7 yrs younger then me, so I think that may have something to do with it- oh geesh.
Thanks RainbowGirl- now I get to be alone for a week and think about all of this- I hope I am just sad tonight and then can get into a healthy groove while alone. thanks so much for your note.
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Old 10-07-2008, 10:01 PM
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Thanks Rainbow Girl for your note. I am fine, and as long as I don't go out and start drinking I will get through this- and tonight I came home, talked on the phone to friends, drank yummy coconut/pineapple juice and read a book. Night time is when I crave wine and beer, so if I can get through tonight (which I will, getting sleepy) then I am OKAY- thanks!
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Old 10-07-2008, 10:34 PM
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My husband doesn't drink in the house. I guess he could but it is just easier not to have it in the house. He does occasionally go over to a neighbors to enjoy one beer. I never enjoyed the actual taste, just the feeling so it isn't a trigger for me at all. He's also a huge control freak (that is a whole nother thread) and would never let himself drink enough to lose that control.

He is also very supportive of me. I am also supportive of him. When he was diagnosed pre-diabetic (he's in the military and wants to stay in) I changed the way I cooked and the foods I keep in the house and encouraged a gym membership and bug him to go.

We love one another and want so much to make it work so we start each day new.
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Old 10-08-2008, 12:59 PM
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PHEW- close call but made it to day 23 and today I will not drink either.
My partner called- we are working it out- but the good thing is I know I can be alone, basically "left" not knowing if my whole life is going to change and be totally heartbroken and still NOT DRINK! Lesson learned- so in a way it's good this happened- good test of my sobriety and dedication to staying clean and serene! Prayer helps
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Old 10-08-2008, 01:47 PM
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TTGU, try to also understand that your partner is dealing with a big change - you not drinking. No matter how much that change is good, it's still a change. So that, will all the other changes is a lot for her, and for you. Hang in there, it sounds like you 2 have a strong history and just happen to have a ton of changes hit all at the same time.
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Old 10-08-2008, 05:26 PM
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glad you made it to day 23. Congrats! And you are welcome for the note. Its awesome that she called and you two are working on it.
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