getr345

Thanks, and I think you're right about my wife and the ways in which this might affect her and how she feels about it all. As for doing normal social things, I still want all that stuff. I have a pretty fun life. I enjoy it & I realized I don't need to be loaded to enjoy them things and that I'd probably enjoy it all even more sober. Plus I don't want to be one of those preachy, holier-than-thou type of x-drinkers who suddenly can't do anything or go anywhere without having to remind everyone that I quit and so should they. I don't want to make people feel like they can't be exactly who they are in front of me. Have your drinks, have a dozen for all I care just respect my decision. I'll still be there (for most things) but just not boozing. What I mean is, this won't stop me from going to Patriots games, or concerts, or things like that, but no way I'm gonna be able to meet my wife at a bar to hang with friends if that's all that's going on. St. Patty's Day used to be so much fun... Some things (pure drinking events like Beer Olympics w/ my Army buddies)) I will have to say no to. Hopefully, my wife will see this and decide that it's better to be with me (wherever that is) rather than be in a bar with her friends if I'm not there.

getr345

I felt that same internal change you're talking about. Becoming dependent...

Congrats on 10 Days.

getr345

Day 9 is Officially Underway.

Actually had a really great day yesterday, and felt really happy for the first time in a while. Of late, my car had been giving me grief and running like crap (mind you, this is a specialty sports car that I draw pleasure, pride, and enjoyment from not just a beater)...anyway, a friend of mine from an online car forum agreed to help me get it fixed, and boy did he ever! This made me so happy feeling my car just purr they way it's supposed to!! Awesome, and I got to tell him all about my past 9 days, which felt good to talk about.

Life feels good right now, to be here, and clear, and in the now.

least

Congrats on 9 days sober! Keep moving forward one day at a time! I like your determination!

:ghug3

getr345

I'm currently of the mind-set that taking a drink would make me feel so terrible, so guilty, and so much like an utter weak-willed failure that it seems almost like it would be impossible for me to do because the cons so strongly and so obviously outweigh the pros of such a thing.

"Like a wound that keeps on bleeding to remind me not to think, Like a raging river drowning when I only need a drink, like a poison, that I swallow." ~ That Was Just Your Life

getr345

Day 10 is Officially Underway.

And the wife now officially knows. Told her last night, and some of my fears about this conversation were realized right off the bat. The conversation started when she wanted to confide in me something having to do with her brother's drinking. At that moment, I felt amazingly concerned for her and for her brother and knew this was probably gonna be when I told her the news. I figured she'd really "get it" after telling me all this stuff about her brother, right? I had actually written a long letter to her just hours before and was gonna give it to her, but maybe not now. Apparently, this week (my week?) her brother's drinking and the ensuing consequences have been getting even worse and everyone in his family is scared for him. ~~But not for me? Hello!! McFly!! lol...~~ So my wife was telling me about what she experienced with him a few nights ago, and it wasn't good, and she's naturally concerned for her brother. She finished by saying, "he really just needs to quit drinking" like it was SO OBVIOUS to her...I agreed and I said, "well, I did"



Her reaction? Like I expected, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed (not so much so that I want to drink, but disappointed nonetheless) in it. In a nutshell, she was demonstrably surprised at the decision itself, and equally as surprised that I even felt like I had a problem that needed dealing with. She had not noticed that I have not been drinking all week. And likewise claims to have not noticed how much I was drinking. Apparently, her denial runs deeper than mine on this issue, that's for sure. You know, she did say she was glad and proud but I almost felt like she felt she just had to say some of those things and the shock stayed on her face and in her head the whole night, that's for sure. No tears, no real emotions, no unsolicited compliments or words of understanding, just shock and disbelief, really. And she is a wicked emotional woman when the issue is eating her up, whatever it might be. She is used to being the center of the drama, the vulnerable one, the sensitive one, the one who needs something and now the shoe is on the other foot and I don't know how she'll deal with it. I did my best to explain it all to her, the reasons, etc. Hopefully she can process it all and over time see it for what it was, see it the way I came to see it.

least

Way to go on ten days! PLease don't let your wife's reaction, or lack of one, deter you in your journey. After all, your sobriety is for your own good. Any additional benefits from it are incidental.

:ghug3

getr345

Honestly, I feel like I regret telling her, because her reaction was so underwhelming to say the least, and in some ways negative (as in lack of positive, not overtly negative). What did I gain by telling her, and bringing her into the proverbial circle of trust? Just one more person for whom I now have to live up to a standard I suddenly set for myself? The fact that she now knows how messed up I really am? She doesn't understand this thing and this being the case, how can she be supportive, and really, how can she avoid being counter-productive to my goals if she doesn't even think it's a problem? I really hope she is doing some soul searching of her own on this matter, and surprises me down the road when she gets her own head straight about it.

What was mine and mine alone is now in the open, and no longer just mine.

I feel deflated, like I don't have as strong a hand on it (recovery) now as I've felt like the past few days. This is where I really feel like I need support and someone to help me. Because in the past, when I felt misunderstood by my wife, or felt frustrated and stressed out by her, the "answer" was in the bottle.

I gave her the condensed (edited, or light) version of what my as yet undelivered letter spelled out and I'm glad I did not just give her the letter and really pour my soul out because I'd feel even worse and even more vulnerable now, but maybe her reaction to that would have been different but I doubt it. She would probably have been even more blown away and surprised, confused, etc...

getr345

Thinking out loud...

Take one part denial on my wife's side and combine that with my uncanny ability to hide and obscure the truth, and I can see how I have gotten to where I am right now. While drinking, I worked very hard to hide the fact it was becoming problematic for me. I did not want anyone to think I had a problem with drinking. So I hid it (not the drinking, the fact that it was a problem) from her too under a veil of normalcy, that I was OK, that I could handle it, that I wasn't like her brother...

Now, I have announced my intentions but still I feel the need to hide the fact of how hard it will be or how much I am actually struggling with it. Maybe I need more help than I can give to myself. Maybe I really need somebody with expertise to really spill me out all over the floor and figure out what's really going on inside...

tobefree4me

Get,
Don't know what to say...geesh. Sorry for the lack of the desired response from your wife. It's great to have positive responses and not so great to have negative responses. But I suppose, if you take the positive and negative away, to me it would still, bottom line, be an alone journey and choosing this for me no matter what the response. I wish I had wisdom to offer you. Good luck.

getr345

Thanks. Not even so much as a "do you think you should see a doctor?"...just a detached sense of misunderstanding, and "well, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do" type mentality, and not even a single word about it from her yesterday (the day after telling her)...not a peep. Not a "how ya dong with this thing?"...not a "you know I've been thinking..."

Nothing.

This is day 12, at least I have that.

getr345

Thanks for the kind words.

Funny thing about that beer.... Obviously I didn't want to buy it but she asked me to stop at the packy and I did, now normally a gentleman would not send his wife into a store to buy beer, and this was no exception so there I was buying it. Now that beer has sat untouched in the refrigerator since we bought it, which is previously unheard of around here with the way I used to swill em' back. The wife has not touched it yet. And there it sits.

The beer we just had to buy.

getr345

Who'm I bullspittin? It's Day 11.

least

Congrats on day 11. I'm sorry your wife's reaction was disappointing. But you're doing this FOR YOU, so take pride in your accomplishment and never mind what anyone else says or doesn't say!

tobefree4me

Get,
At least I can say congrats on day 11!
You can always move the beer to the back porch! HA..

Hope

Sorry to hear of your wife's reaction.

Good for you for continuing on in sobriety. The most important person to know is YOU. You know that you are doing this and you know how great being sober is. Keep moving forward.

Vintersemestre

Keep smoking and drinking coffee - don't stop all of that too at this point. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT get any pain pills if you get the opportunity. The last thing you want is to be a dope junkie, believe me.

getr345

Coffee is still daily, at least in the morning.

I'm wearing a stupid nic patch right now, and am very much addicted. Have not had a cigg in several months and really the thought of it makes me wanna hurl. Breaking the nicotine addiction once and for all is next up...

(I'm gonna be as mean as a polecat for like a week, lol...)

Pot, well occasionally but for now, IMO no problem, at least for me.

And no pain pills of any kind since the wedding, and really no desire to do them. Was never really addicted to them, just enjoyed them too often and foolishly mixed with booze, so...

getr345

What I'd like to see happen is the beer (Coors Light Bottles, 12 of them) get old in the fridge and so past their "born on date" that they skunk and next time somebody asks for a beer, I can give em a skunked beer and act like it's as fresh as the mountain stream. Here ya go, bottoms up and cheers to you! lol...

bodychek

Hi Getr345, I am 37 and have a similar story to yours. In the early morning hours of Jan 2nd this year, after a new years eve that lasted almost 2 weeks I surrendered to myself the realization that i could not control my drinking and that I was going to die a drunk. The only hope I had was that my death would come quickly and painlessly. I awoke on Jan 3rd (my physical birthday) and the obsession to both stop drinking and to seek help was overwhelming. Here it is 9 1/2 months later and I am still sober. I did it through seeking help in AA (I attend between 7 and 14 meetings a week), getting a sponsor, and working the 12 steps.

I wish you luck in your recovery, if you need any help or someone to talk to just reach out and let me or another alcoholic know. You're not alone.

Scott