getr345

MC79,

It's not so much a secret, as it is I just have not made an official declaration to her. I mean, it's out in the open for all to see, I'm not drinking. She saw me walk into a restaurant last night sit down and order a coke. Then a refill... lol...And she has seen me every night this week, sitting around the house with her, not drinking when that (drinking around the house) is my normal MO.

To cut & paste from an outbound PM of mine on the same topic...

I don't really know when or how I'm gonna tell her. I guess I'll just tell her when she asks or when she notices. I don't really think she ever thought my drinking was that bad a problem, or maybe she was in denial about me more than I was (which I don't really think I ever was). We have been party people ever since met. Nothing too extreme, just lots of drinking, pot smoking, and occasional pain pills that she would get prescribed from her doctor for legit reasons. To her, it must all seem normal, and she never saw anything like rage, or me breaking things, or getting arrested, or really overt stuff like that. In fact, her brother is the one with a "real" booze problem. He gets angry, violent, and usually arrested. He lost his license, can't drive. To my wife that is what a problem drinker looks like, I must seem like an alter boy with the whole thing under control, but that's just not true.

caitlin666

youre doing amazingly well getr,
keep doing what youre doing,

:ghug3

getr345

Maybe a part of me is afraid to tell her because I think she won't consider it such a big deal, or maybe that she just won't understand how bad I've been suffering inside for the past couple years. To me, this is the biggest and most important thing I have done for myself since I decided to enlist in the military back in 1995. To me, it's HUGE. Life altering. Nothing else matters, that kind of thing. I don't know how she will react and I guess I'm afraid it won't be the way I want. Obviously I don't control that reaction but right now, I control THIS.

nogard

Welcome to SR

happy62

GETR, tell her that. It's perfect.

getr345

Day 6 started off with a bang. Woke up, kinda got into a pissing match with the wife over something stupid. Didn't like the way the whole thing made me feel. Too loud, too early. But otherwise doing good, this is in fact, my sixth day. Still have not yet officially told her. She called me on her way home from work yesterday and asked if we needed any beer to go with the pizza I ordered. I was like, uh, no, I think we're all set.

She actually has been supportive in a way she does not even realize. I love chocolate stuff. She pretty regularly makes cookies, brownies, and buys ice cream etc. Anyway, first night of no drinking, she makes chocolate cookies. Perfect. Last night she made brownies. Perfect, and there has been chocolate ice cream in the freezer all week. That has really helped.

One day at a time, right?

least

congrats on six days sober! Yes, one day at a time gets us where we want to be: healthier and free of alcohol and its dirty tricks.

:ghug3

Maggs

Hey Congrats on day six!! And way to go with the 'no we're set'.
I know what you mean about the sleep thing, but I also know it does get better. I'm waiting for a night of a full 6 hours of sleep. Aww, it's the little things.

Stay strong.
Maggs

Mattcake

Quote:

Originally Posted by getr345

Maybe a part of me is afraid to tell her because I think she won't consider it such a big deal, or maybe that she just won't understand how bad I've been suffering inside for the past couple years.... I don't know how she will react and I guess I'm afraid it won't be the way I want. Obviously I don't control that reaction but right now, I control THIS.

Fair enough We all get to choose whether we want to discuss our recovery or not... And whether to disclose or not. Feeling scared about the reaction we'll get is understandable. I just thought that maybe it would be a relief of sorts to share what you're going through with her.

Anyway, congrats on day 6 Good job.

getr345

Thanks and I think I'll feel better about opening up when I can be like, Oh I haven't had a drink in a month, or two months...the last thing I want to do is make a promise or a declaration that I can't keep. Right now, it's just a promise to myself.

I must say this being Friday night, and today being a hard day...

this feeling kinda sucks.

mxchaos

great job
one day at a time

Hevyn

Getr345, I've enjoyed reading your story. You're waaaay younger than me, but we have alot in common, including being inspired by James H. So many of my generation did themselves in with alcohol & drugs - no one talked about it much back in the day. What you said about not wanting to be a slave to it is exactly how I felt. I was fed up with always wondering when I'd be able to get my next drink, did we have enough in the house, where was the nearest bathroom - couldn't go to the movies or anything in the end, couldn't sit there for 2 whole hours without shaking. My life was completely run by alcohol - I had a beer by my side 24/7. I'm glad you've had a revelation - you never have to go through the hell that some of us have. You're right, being able to say it all out loud and not be judged is huge - I credit SR with my recovery - I couldn't have made it without these people.

getr345

This is Day 7.

A week ago today was that wedding.

Confided in my brother the situation last night. He was happy for me and supportive, I think he gets it. Still have not told the wife, but it feels like the conversation is getting closer and closer, as sooner our later our respective situations will collide and she'll go, "hey, wait a minute..."

I feel tired this morning. I am sleeping so deeply that I when I wakeup, I feel exhausted, like I could easily go back and sleep another night's worth of dreams. There was extra stress in my life yesterday. Stress that I would normally relieve by drinking.

I did not drink.

least

Congratulations on being one week sober!! Makes me feel good to see you feeling better and staying sober! One day at a time will get you to where you want to be!

getr345

7 days ago right now I was working very hard on the construction of my "bottom" at that wedding. Drinking like it was my full time job and I was asking for a raise. Well, tonight I faced challenges but stayed strong. Myself and the wife went into Boston to meet some friends at an outdoor type music festival. When we called our friends to see where they were so we could meet them, they were in a bar. Now mind you, the wife still does not officially know yet, anyway we do finally meet our friends in the bar and I order a soda while everyone else is drinking beers. At one point I noticed myself holding onto (at my chest) and sipping my soda the same way I would have held and sipped a beer not all that long ago. The soda provided the same familiar comfort in a way. Then we went to a restaurant we normally have dinner and drinks in. Again, I ordered a soda while the others drank beer. All good, then on the way home the wife asks me to stop at the liquor store for beer, I told her I didn't really want any but she said she did so there I was in the line with a 12 pack of Coors Light in my hands, buying it.

Thought about telling her on the way home but didn't.

Now the Red Sox are on and I'm not drinking. Day 7 is in the books.

One week!!

kristink

GETR
Congrats on 7 days sober.
I was reading your post about telling your wife and your worry about her reaction....about not seeing your drinking as a big deal. And your statement about her not understanding how much you've been suffering inside really hit home.
My husband knows I've quit. We had a couple brief discussions about it. He knows I'm going to AA meetings. When we first had the discussion about whether or not he saw my drinking as a problem he said no. That gave me some justification to continue drinking. I mean, if he didnt see it as a problem it surely couldnt be, right? Well it took me another week or so to realize that it wasnt a problem for him, but that suffering inside you speak of....that was me.
I'm on day 19 and I think my husband still doesnt understand it, although he has not had a drink in front of me in 2 weeks. Yesterday we went riding with some friends (Harley's). They were all drinking and neither of us did. Strange feeling. I didnt ask him not to drink in front of me, but it really does help.

Best of luck with everything. You're doing great. Keep us posted how things go with your wife!

getr345

As far as my wife's reaction (whatever that will be) when I tell her, it really comes down to expectations that I feel will be unmet, so I guess I'm afraid to let the cat out of the bag and then to be disappointed, and hurt, and to be made even more vulnerable than I am right now. The reaction I want (and think I deserve) is for her to be immensely proud of me (some tears of joy would be nice), to acknowledge that I have had a problem for a while (and that she might have to change too), to understand instinctively why this is so important (because I will die), and to pledge her unconditional support of me and my decision though these desperate times. And to me, it does feel desperate, like if I fail here, my road will so different than the road I will travel on if I can succeed.

This is Day 8

least

Congrats on 8 days sober! I'm sure she will be proud of your efforts toward sobriety. I wouldn't worry so much about failure down the road, just keep staying sober one day at a time.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

tobefree4me

Hi Get,
I have been enjoying reading your posts. Congrats on day 8.
I don't have any advice on the quitting drinking as I am on day 10. However, I can relate to the spouse thing.
I am a very functional alcoholic with a great business that somehow has done well considering the evening beer, wine and sometimes jack daniels if I made it to the liquor store in time after work. I have friends that my spouse and I would talk about regarding their daily use of alcohol that had become dependent and actually feeling sorry for them. I had asked my spouse in the past, "am I thait bad?". My spouse would reply "you work hard and play hard, but, you get up in the morning for work and you use alcohol to help you sleep". I used that excuse up until this last year when I noticed a change in me.
I noticed that my body now started to crave the alcohol even when I didn't really want to drink. The last 6months I drank almost daily and saw that I was headed for a train wreck. I think telling my spouse that I needed to get off the rollercoaster ride of booze was the hardest for me because at that moment, I actually admitted to someone I trust I had a problem with alcohol. At that moment, my acknowledgement of my alcohol problem became real. At that moment, I now had someone who would be supporting me and watching me. I wouldn't just be able to drink after a couple of weeks of soberiety and it would be ok anymore.
So here I am, 10 days and counting. I am relieved that my spouse now knows and I also see a relief in them even though they have not said any more to me except that they think I am doing the right thing. And, although they have not said anything to me, I have not seen them drinking either.
I found this forum the first day I quit drinking and have been reading the posts. It has been giving me great support and helping me to continue a desire not to drink. Good luck to you and all.

Hevyn

Hi again Get. Your wife will probably have mixed feelings. She'll be proud, maybe even relieved (in her heart knowing this needs to be done) but also she's losing her drinking buddy, & you quitting may make her uncomfortable when she looks at her own drinking patterns. She may be afraid of how this will change your lives together. I personally think it's great you went ahead and did those social things you normally do. For me, that was the only way - even though I realize some can't handle being around alcohol. Since it can get complicated when you begin to share your news with others, I think you're wise to wait until you're feeling stronger and more confident.