pattyspaw

why is it that I get one great day, maybe two and then I drink again; maybe that surrender thing? even when I plan meetings and not drinking that stinking thinking is still there telling me stuff like "I won't drink on this day, but then I can drink on that day"; I feel totally out of control; I seem to let the things I do for myself and others get in the way of getting sober; like this morning I am going to an early meeting and tying it in with something work related and I know I need/want to go to a meeting tonight, then I remember an errand that I have to do for my mom after work and think that means I can't get to a meeting, then I realize that I can still get there if I don't chit chat while on that errand; and so far this morning, I have gone back and forth with do I pour out what's left or save it so I won't need to buy as much tomorrow if I decided to drink;

Anna

Patty, I think I had to make recovery the priority in my life.

It's time to put your needs before other people's needs and do what you need to do. Recovery is hard and you need to be really motivated. Get rid of the alcohol in the house and focus on your recovery.

You can do this!

Horselover

:ghug3

I would definitely suggest you pour it out. Why plan for a relapse? Plan for the time when you are going to be weak. What can I do differently so I DON'T drink? Can I phone someone? Can I get out of the house? Should I take a bath? Read a book? Go to a meeting? Buy some juices and store those in your fridge. I am into grape crystal light or 7 up with cranberry juice. Get a plan so there won't be a next time. Come on here before you pour that first glass of poison and reach out.

You can do it Patty! We can help, but you got to think about when that time comes and have a plan for it.

BaldHeadedJohn

Not much to say that hasn't been said- just sending support your way!

Blessings be to you.
BHJ

pattyspaw

I just poured it out; during a normal work day I can only get to the forums before work or when the boss is at lunch or a meeting or before anyone else comes in; I have gotten to the point of not buying any alcohol at lunch time by talking myself out of it, I have to learn to do the same on the way home and other times; I know I need to get some phone numbers, but I'm so scared and ashamed to ask for help or to speak up at meetings, even though I know it is the next right thing to do; I let that fear get in the way

ANGELINA243

That fear of reaching out kept me drunk for a long time. You are worth it--don't allow fear to keep you from stepping out and getting the help you need. In the end, you will be glad you did.

Boleo

You are at the point where HELP is no longer optional. Admit defeat and get a sponsor.

Tazman53

Patty I will tell you what my counselor in detox told me the day I got ready to leave, he told me first and foremost that no matter what was going on in my life for the rest of my life, my sobriety had to always be my number one priority in life, because if I lost my sobriety what ever I put in front of my sobriety I would lose as well. The second thing he told me was that I needed for at least the first 6 months of my sobriety spend as much time working on my recovery as I did drinking if I wanted to stand a chance of staying sober.

Well I followed his suggestion because I was well aware that for this alcoholic to drink again is to die!

Guess what? By keeping my sobriety and recovery as my number one priority in life I am still sober and happy, everything I was in danger of losing and everything I had lost due to my drinking I have back today! The reason I have it back is because I have kept my recovery number one, everything else has fallen into place due to my being sober and doing the next right thing.

Today I live life on lifes terms, I do not spend nearly the time in meetings as I used to, but I do not hesitate to go to a meeting and or call someone if I am feeling a bit squirrely.

Here is what I would suggest if you are in AA.

1. Go to as many meetings as possible no matter what for at least three months.
2. Get a sponsor and take the steps.
3. Get phone numbers of people in the program and call at least 3 a day even if it is just to say "Hi, how you doing today?" Believe it or not, the people you will be calling need you to call them just as much as you need to call them.

wiharu

These sites are great for a few minutes here or there, but face to face, sponsor to sponsee is the way that it's done.

I hated the idea of going to meetings, getting a sponsor, working steps. But I kept (and keep) hearing about folks who don't work with sponsors and steps or stopped and relapsed.

Find a meeting. Then find one you like. Then get a sponsor. When you hear something you don't like, listen to that the hardest.

Good luck!!!

ScoobaSteve

Heya PattysPaw!

I can empathize with you 100% I've been going through the same schtick for the last few weeks. I'll put together 24-36 hours sober and then drink, some nights I get out relatively unscathed ......some nights not so much! I'm almost finished with day two (again) living sober right now. What has worked best for me is to:

1. Dont keep booze in the house!
2. Have a plan for the day/stay busy (that doesn't include happy hour after work)
3. If a call is from a drinking buddy, don't answer it! (I can't be trusted to say no yet)
4. Try to speak up at a meeting! I used to have a problem with that until I realized that I don't have to quote the big book or even sound remotely intelligent! The other night I piped up to tell the group that these meetings annoy the **** out of me and 95% of the people there do too, but it's the only thing I've found to do that I know wont involve boozing! The "right" kind of people are going to appreciate raw honesty. It's totally ok to be scared....most people are nervous talking in a group, just take a deep breath then buck up and babble away....I bet ya a nickle it will be better recieved than you think.

I'm not sure what your motivations are, for me it's never again having to come to in the morning only to be hit with that mortifying wave of regret that comes with the memories of what I did the night before, or even worse having no earthly idea what I did. Or how about waking up in a wet bed after passing out horribly drunk and not being sure if it was the dog or I (a 36 year old CFO of a company) pissed my bed because I was so drunk! There is so much to lose by our continuing to drink and literally nothing besides momentary comfort to gain.

I babbled a whole lot there; my main point is that I'm with you and Ill add ye to my prayers.

Love,
Scooba

CarolD

I had to want to stay sober more than I wanted
to drink....regardless of what was happening

Pelican

I'm with Taz and Carol on this one. (See my signature quote below)

I finally had to get my head and heart to agree that drinking is not an option for me. Period. End of discussion.

That internal battle between what I knew in my heart to be hurting me and how my head would justify one more drink had to stop. I have tried sobriety many times, but this time I got the internal battle to stop. How?

I think we each have a trigger. A bottom. A revelation. Mine was finding out someone I knew (my same age and gender) had chirrosis of the liver. I did research on the internet, found this wonderful site and read, read and read. I now own a copy of Under the Influence and it is what my head needed to know to get real about my drinking.

I hope you find your revelation. We are here to help!

pattyspaw

I made it to 2 meetings yesterday and planning one for tonight; thanks for all the support and suggestions, I'm not giving upon me

least

I like your signature. When I leave this life I want my Spirit to come to its Creator without shame. I can only do that if my life is being lived without shame. Staying sober and learning a new and better way of living is making me free. I never again want to be a slave to alcohol. I'm Free and want to stay that way. I pray and hope you can find peace in your life and stay sober to make your life better.

:ghug3