LouLou629

Hello friends, So I have posted on here a few times before about issues dealing with remorse and guilt over my past drunken debacles...I was a blackout drinker, and every now and then I get this rush of just sickening anxiety that overwhelms my entire being ...It usually happens when I am in a contemplative mood and I start to think or remember bits and pieces of old drunken behavior..Its the fear of that unknown that literally makes me crazy..being that I had so many blackouts I just feel like there is this impending doom sometimes..like some day some blackout drunken stooper is going to poop out from my past or something and haunt me....I am almost two months sober..I feel really determined and strong and great..most of the time, but then sometimes out of the blue these fears and anxiety just engulf me entirely...I hate it and I feel so helpless..I pray and pray for God to take away my anxiety..I have started doing step four work..I have repented to God so many times and am so remorsefull over any hurt or pain I may have caused anyone when drunk ..I am not tempted to drink..I hate alchohol...I ,like I said, feel really strong about staying away from the stuff..its just these horrible waves of emotion and anxiety that almost stop me dead in my tracks of progress and make me feel back to square one..I dont want to just live in self loathing of my past...We all make mistakes right? I am making a concerted effort to change ...but when will all this excess anxiety and crap start to subside...???? Has anyone else struggled with this? Its like I am just living in so much fear at times, and I am not even sure of what exactly but I just "know" that something has to be out there waiting to throw me off track...I lived in fear when drinking..I am so sick of living in fear over all the what ifs...Shouldnt it get better now that I am sober or does it it have to be hard ? No way can I just be forgiven and heal and continue to grow and move on in my sobriety without first being thrown under the bus a few times right? I just dont know what to thin or feel ..I have been told I think too much and am too hard on myself and over annalyze everything.....AHHHH I am sooo in my head right now...HELP WITH WISDOM

Anna

Hi LouLou,

I went through a really difficult time with remorse, guilt and shame when I stopped drinking too. It would keep coming back into my mind, out of the blue. I'd be walking along the beach enjoying myself and boom, I'd be smacked in my head with horrible thoughts. When I came here to SR and wrote about it, a lovely lady recommended that I journal my thoughts. I resisted a lot, because I just didn't want to write things down and see them on paper. But, eventually I did. I started writing and kept on writing, on and off, for months and months. It was so liberating. As I wrote, the feelings lost their control of me. In the end, I burned the journal.

Chops

No wisdom to offer from this cat.....just a thank you for letting me identify with you. 5 months sober and some days I am fine, scratch that, some minutes I am fine and then the next minute the doom, anxiety, and dwelling on my past actions hits me like a ton of bricks.

I am sometimes afraid to go to the grocery store, blockbuster, laundry, etc. for fear of bumping into someone. But I walk through it.

Do you people care and whisper and about some of the things I did when the see me? Probably, but alot of it is a figment of my alcoholic, self centered mind.....

It is tough though, I wish you the best.

Regards,

C

Celebration1994

Remorse to me is being sorry for what I did, correcting the behavior and moving forward sober, without repeating the behaviors, to the best I am capable of. Guilt is to me a behavior that keeps me from moving forward. I need to let go of guilt and always remember that today I am a gracious, wonderful woman who is deserving of sobriety and serenity. Anxiety at times will keep me from taking that leap of faith to move forward, as anxiety keeps me in fear. I had to learn to surrender to a HP, and believe with my heart and mind that HP would take care of me. The shame I carried from my drinking was another piece I had to let go of. I know for me in early recovery all that was familar to me was remorse, shame and guilt....and for me the biggest change is letting go of the familar and taking the leap of faith to change my thinking. The past is just that...the past...I can't change it and I find no peace if I relive it. The fourth and fith steps did help me through this and asking others to please just call me and tell me let it go, and then share how to let it go.

I feel like I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop...well one day I awoke and felt this way and decided if the other shoe drops...I will pick it up and put it away (in the past where I need to let go of..now). Live today sober and joyous, as that is all we have..today. Put all the fears in a HP box and leave them there for your HP to take care of...because the good news is "HP is not on vacation", just waiting to do the job for you, if you will allow it.

Make today the day you want~happy, joyous,free~, even if you have to start your day over.

ANGELINA243

If you are currently working on Step 4 (like you mentioned)...then it is understandable why you are feeling this way--all these overwhelming emotions. Sometimes we have to dig deep into our past--I know I did>I had tried to forget about past wrongs for so long....so when those memories started to come to the surface it felt like I was dealing with those situations all over again....maybe cause I really was in a way--because I had never dealt with those situations before---I hid behind my drinking and simply wished them away...prior to STep 4 work. Step 4 can be painful in the beginning...but in the end (if you are honest/thorough)...it can be a freeing rewarding experience......working step 4 & 5 with a sponsor. You let all that stuff go--bring it out into the open...and it somehow loses its power over you. Just walk through the fear--your past cannot hurt you today without your permission.

adore79

I just think that anything might come back to us from the past, at anytime, not just when we were drinking. If we are sober we can deal with it much better. Maybe instead of trying to seek forgiveness for things you dont know if you even did, you should pray for the strenght and wisdom to get through life's challenges, whatever they may be and whenever they come up, including anything that might come up from past drinking. Just a thought.

Rainbowgirl128

I feel the exact same way, but i dont have as much sober time as you. i try not to dwell on things that might have happened that i dont remember. the thing is...if something happened that you dont remember and it was really bad you would have heard about it. like if you did something that really hurt or pissed someone off, that person probably would have confronted you after the fact. if you broke a law or got in trouble you would have woken up in jail or gotten some sort of notice in the mail.

sorry you are feeling this anxiety; i can certainly relate. hope you feel better soon. i wish i could tell you when the shame and guilt will go away. but i dont have enough sober time yet. GREAT JOB ON TWO MONTHS

tommyk

I found the answers to all of my 'thinking' problems in NA/AA meetings.

The meetings taught me how to live a great life without Alcohol or Xanax (both of which I used to treat anxiety problems).

I hope you find what works for you.

353

Hi LouLou,

People have various experiences with the 4th step. For some it's not painful or disturbing at all. For others, like myself, the first 4th step is extremely troubling. When I became honest about myself, truly honest, for the first time in my life after thirty years of alcoholic behavior; I was no longer able to put the blame "out there" nor was I able to numb myself with alcohol and drugs, it was a scarry for awhile.

My experience is the past that haunted me so viciously has become one of my greatest assets in sobriety...it's really the reason I wanted to get sober and remain sober. I've found that sobriety offers me chance to put my pathetic past to good use, helping others and serving my God the best I can.

My advice is to keep moving forward. If all else fails, sometimes I have to remember that I'm feeling these things for a reason, probably because I need to do something different. Maybe sometimes I just need to feel whatever it is and think to myself that this is the stuff I used to drink and drug over. I need a new solution. There's this place...AA...where people say they were just like me and seem to be better now, maybe I need to do what they say worked for them.

Think how blessed we are LouLou. Think of how many are in the same trouble as we, but will never work a step or have the opportunity to help another alcoholic.

Peace

Hevyn

LouLou you're sabotaging yourself with these thoughts. I completely understand what you're going through, though. I'm a hyper-sensitive person, so everything loomed so large. We can eat our hearts out over it all, but it's fruitless. What happened can't be undone no matter how we grieve over it. I've apologized to those I could, tried to explain (no one has understood, really), prayed, walked the floors at night, never sleeping. I've wasted so much of my precious life on this - it kept me from getting sober for the longest time, and then almost ruined my ability to stop picking up. We'll never know half the things we actually did and said - so it's really ridiculous to keep obsessing over the unknown. I thought everyone knew I was a wreck, but when I told a few people what a problem alcohol had become for me, many were shocked and hadn't even known I'd had a problem. Hell, I thought the entire world knew and was laughing behind my back. I finally had to decide to live the best life I could now, with what I have to work with today. I feel that when people see you sober and clear-headed on a regular basis, their old perception of you will fade away. If it doesn't, they need to get a life.

Chops, I believe you're right - maybe some people have nothing better to do than remember awkward things from our past, but alot of it IS our alcoholic paranoia. The intensity of these bad memories does fade, I promise you that. After awhile it becomes just a waste of our time to keep dredging it all up. I got very bored with myself, always whining about the past. It's over - we can't do a damn thing to go back and fix it. Keep walking.

LouLou629

It really feels good to read all your posts, I feel really good knowing and hearing all the wisdom and personal thoughts on this matter that has seemed to plague me....I definetly feel less alone and crazy now so thank you so much to each and every one of you for responding..YOU ALL helped me immensely as always xoxo

NewDayNow

Hi Lou,

I have kept a journal all of my life, drunk and sober. I rarely need to go back and review it. Just the act of writing it down seems to clarify my thinking and brands it on my memory. I have a couple of ticks I’d like off of me, so I’m going to take annals suggestion to heart, read and then burn a few pages .

Ed

CarolD

When I finished my formal AA Steps 4 & 5
all my remorse and guilt vanished.

Good to know you are doing Step work quickly
.....that is when I began to feel solid in my recovery.

You might see if this is useful...

Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

....Blessings

Boleo

We alcoholics need to get past our remorse and guilt. That is why 12 step programs have a 4th step inventory designed to give relief from issues like this.

gravity

This happened to me quite often earlier in my sobriety. I remember one night when I was feeling so horrible about how I had treated my wife for all those years, putting alcohol ahead of her.

I prayed and immediately a couple of thoughts (actually facts) came to me: "I am human and I make mistakes" and "this too shall pass." I felt a sense of peace & was able to start accepting that I can't change the past and must move on.

Keep working on the steps and be patient. You will get there.