sunflower1776

I'm searching the internet and trying to find some online support groups. My city is pitiful in that it has very few NA meetings, and I don't like, for some reason I don't understand, AA meetings. I am a recovering pain pill addict. I laugh when I say recovering because it has only been 44 hours! I went to detox Labor Day weekend and was there for 3 days. I went there of my own free will. Up until that day no one in my life new that I was abusing pills. I was taking up to 30 oxys a day-even while I was working, and I was completely functional. I'm a 32 year old female, I'm an RN and was doing home health. I can't believe I worked in the condition I was in, but it was the only way I could make it through the day, to function and get things done. I told my parents 2 days before I went to detox about what I was doing and they were so supportive. My mom came and drove me there and picked me up. I was living in Tampa, FL, but after detox my parents made me move to their home in Ft. Myers, FL, so that is where I am now. I relapsed the day after I got out of detox, but I can rationalize and say I only took 3 pills. I did throw the rest away the next mornign and was clean for 2 weeks. I also have bipolar II (I don't have the true manic highs, just a hypomania but my major issue is severe depression). I don't know who I am--what I feel like as a 'normal' person becuase I don't know what 'normal' is for me. During the 2 weeks I was clean, I started feeling better and better. I actually dare to say I felt good on some of those days. That is what led to me relapsing again--I did not know how to deal with feeling good if it wasn't drug induced. I didn't have a reason to feel good--I'm a drug addict, I'm 32 and living with my parents after 14 years living on my own, I've had to leave my job (that I was at for 5 years--I loved my job-my boss doesn't know what is going on, just that I have severe depression), I've moved out of the house nad city that I loved, I've left my friends. What do I have to feel good about? So, the answer is to take pills becuase then I know how and why I feel good! It's pitiful! I know all about addiction. Believe it or not I was working on my master's degree in psych/mental health to become a nurse practitioner. I've studied addiction in-depth, yet here I am, an addict. I grew up in a wonderful, loving family, my parents have been married 37 years, I have a great brother and sister, I'm intelligent--graduated college the top of my class and the nursing class president, and I just started my master's in forensic nursing at Duquesne University-a top private university. Yet, again, here I am--at rock bottom. It just goes to show that addiction does not care about age, race, religion, socioeconomic status, etc.
I went to a new patient appointment on Tuesdya with a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction and bi-polar. He said he needed to urine test me before doing anything. I thought oh ****! I used the night before. I had to admit that I had used again and had for the past 2 weeks. He wanted to start me on Suboxone. I was against it--the real reason? I had a pill in my pocket I wanted to use! You can't use when on Suboxone because you won't get any high off of it. I told him I didn't want to use it becuas ei had heard negative things about it. I went home that night, took about 5 pills, then got up and threw away the rest of what I had. I called him Wed morning and went in there today and started the pills--the drug that is supposed to make me not want to take drugs! ha! Anyway, I've been on it today, and I have felt better. I am not having withdrawal symptoms-last time I didn't feel withdrawal until after 4 days, but this drug is supposed to help me not have those effects. In addition it is supposed to help with cravings. My cravings have been ridiculous--that is what also led to me relapsing-I couldn't over come the cravings. I've been in the drug seeking mode. Now the problem I seem to have, and I hope anyone reading this can help, is that since I feel better now that I started the suboxone, it's like it was with pills--I feel better, but I want to feel even better as well as since I feel better, what do I do with it? Like pills, I want to take more, but with Subxone you can't do that--it will throw you into acute withdrawal. So I know I won't take more than I'm supposed to, but is this part of the drug? Is this normal for first time users of Suboxone? Anyone that has any information would be greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry this is sooooo long--I obviously needed to get a lot out. I'm just so frustrated and angry with myself that I let myself get to this point. I can't believe I relapsed 1 day after detox. Yes, I made myself throw it all away, but the fact is I did it. I was clean 2 weeks, but then relapsed again! Addiction is hell, it has total control over our lives and our mind. The psychological component of addiction has so much control--it's like the devil pulling you down. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel--I know it is there, I just need to keep reaching for it. But damn this is a struggle.

Thanks y'all for reading...

Sunflower

CarolD

I suggest you check out our Substance Abuse Forum.
We also have one for NA information and sharing.

Welcome to our recovery community...

sunflower1776

Thank you for your reply--I will look into that forum