The beginning and how i feel!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 13
The beginning and how i feel!
Today i have decided to give up drugs once and for all out of my life. I am going to start NA meetings tomorrow but today i thought i would look on some sites and see if there was any 'hope' stories out there because i feel pretty ****** right now. I did a list of pros and cons of drugs (well how i feel about them anyway!)
Reasons for taking drugs and reasons for not taking drugs.
Plus Points
1 – It helps me escape from reality
2 – It feels good it’s a nice feeling
3 – It helps me escape all responsibility
4 – Helps me stop feeling emotion
5 – Its good to listen to music to
6 – I will not die and old person I will die young
Hmm I feel like I’m a bit stuck on plus points (surprisingly :-P) so I will carry onto negative points.
Negative points
1 – It makes me an unemotional person
2 – I never have any money
3 – I have no energy for life and up and go to do anything
4 – It’s really bad for my health and will only get worse
5 – It seems like it is my identity and that’s not what I want
6 – You associate with crap people and through doing that is de sensitises bad things in your own mind that you would normally think is pretty ****.
7 – You become dishonest and nobody likes a liar.
8 – It makes it impossible to have a good relationship as you are constantly pretending (and lying) about doing drugs to your girlfriend
9 – It makes you unsure of who you are and what your real feelings are on life.
10 – It makes you really depressed and suicidal at points
11 – All in all it takes every last bit of zest for life that you have and ultimately it never goes away
12 – Addiction is controlling and its horrible to feel controlled by anything, which is really ironic as I hated school because I hated being told what to do!!! And here I am being controlled by something and I didn’t even realise it till now. Furthermore it also proves that I am not the person I was when I started. It has been scarily a big bulk of fifteen years of my life (I’m only 25) ******* about with drugs I even hate the word now. It’s like some old friend that you sort of feel sorry for and should spend some time with for ‘old times sake’. And then you realise that you’re the ‘old’ friend and that this imaginary friend isn’t a friend atall. It’s a jealous angry person that is really pissed off and doesn’t want you to meet your nice friends that really care about you and want to be there for you. I know I have friends and family but there’s only Amanda who I can count on so I know I need to get help from outside sources as I don’t feel ashamed to say it but I’ve tried and failed and, “Hey I could do with some ******* help here I cant hold this all day by myself”. But sometimes I’ll have too and that’s the scariest thing. In fact this is the scariest thing I have ever done. Horror films are nothing urban legends whilst walking through darkened woods are nothing chavs and gun culture are nothing NUCLEAR WAR IS NOTHING!!! This is real its now and I have to deal with it to make me a better and more happiness filled existence. **** **** **** I’m actually pissed off I let it get this far. Although I had a silly life plan that when I reach twenty five I would clean up my act but in hindsight I should of done it a hell of a lot sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
13 – Oh yeah and in response to the dying young, not doing that will help me live longer as I only have one life and I might as well enjoy it and make it last a while!
I’m not scared of dying but I don’t want it to happen just yet! (Stephen Hawkins said that and he had real problems :-P
Reasons for taking drugs and reasons for not taking drugs.
Plus Points
1 – It helps me escape from reality
2 – It feels good it’s a nice feeling
3 – It helps me escape all responsibility
4 – Helps me stop feeling emotion
5 – Its good to listen to music to
6 – I will not die and old person I will die young
Hmm I feel like I’m a bit stuck on plus points (surprisingly :-P) so I will carry onto negative points.
Negative points
1 – It makes me an unemotional person
2 – I never have any money
3 – I have no energy for life and up and go to do anything
4 – It’s really bad for my health and will only get worse
5 – It seems like it is my identity and that’s not what I want
6 – You associate with crap people and through doing that is de sensitises bad things in your own mind that you would normally think is pretty ****.
7 – You become dishonest and nobody likes a liar.
8 – It makes it impossible to have a good relationship as you are constantly pretending (and lying) about doing drugs to your girlfriend
9 – It makes you unsure of who you are and what your real feelings are on life.
10 – It makes you really depressed and suicidal at points
11 – All in all it takes every last bit of zest for life that you have and ultimately it never goes away
12 – Addiction is controlling and its horrible to feel controlled by anything, which is really ironic as I hated school because I hated being told what to do!!! And here I am being controlled by something and I didn’t even realise it till now. Furthermore it also proves that I am not the person I was when I started. It has been scarily a big bulk of fifteen years of my life (I’m only 25) ******* about with drugs I even hate the word now. It’s like some old friend that you sort of feel sorry for and should spend some time with for ‘old times sake’. And then you realise that you’re the ‘old’ friend and that this imaginary friend isn’t a friend atall. It’s a jealous angry person that is really pissed off and doesn’t want you to meet your nice friends that really care about you and want to be there for you. I know I have friends and family but there’s only Amanda who I can count on so I know I need to get help from outside sources as I don’t feel ashamed to say it but I’ve tried and failed and, “Hey I could do with some ******* help here I cant hold this all day by myself”. But sometimes I’ll have too and that’s the scariest thing. In fact this is the scariest thing I have ever done. Horror films are nothing urban legends whilst walking through darkened woods are nothing chavs and gun culture are nothing NUCLEAR WAR IS NOTHING!!! This is real its now and I have to deal with it to make me a better and more happiness filled existence. **** **** **** I’m actually pissed off I let it get this far. Although I had a silly life plan that when I reach twenty five I would clean up my act but in hindsight I should of done it a hell of a lot sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
13 – Oh yeah and in response to the dying young, not doing that will help me live longer as I only have one life and I might as well enjoy it and make it last a while!
I’m not scared of dying but I don’t want it to happen just yet! (Stephen Hawkins said that and he had real problems :-P
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
Hi Alex,
Great to hear you want to stop using and have come on here for some support. You may want to take a look at the NA web site - lots of information; what NA is about, on-line literature - before your first meeting.
Narcotics Anonymous, NA, homepage
Great to hear you want to stop using and have come on here for some support. You may want to take a look at the NA web site - lots of information; what NA is about, on-line literature - before your first meeting.
Narcotics Anonymous, NA, homepage
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 13
Yeah thanks for that i did the list after my girlfriend suggested it. It helped but i'm in a bad place. 18months!? I've gone two days after fifteen years of addiction to various drugs so i'm in a baaad place. But a good one too!
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Thank you for sharing a little about yourself--I could relate to what you shared. I think its an awesome idea to go to an NA meeting. NA saved my life. Only one question--why put it off another day? Either way--Welcome, glad you are here! 
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Mobile AL
Posts: 101
Welcome to SR! And Congratulations on your deciding to change your life.
I think your making this list was a very good step for you. There is a wealth of information here, and a whole lot of really wonderful people who have been in your shoes.
Keep on posting and remember to take one breath at a time!
Hugs,
K:bounce
I think your making this list was a very good step for you. There is a wealth of information here, and a whole lot of really wonderful people who have been in your shoes.
Keep on posting and remember to take one breath at a time!
Hugs,
K:bounce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 13
Wow thanks for all the kind words its quite helpful and i didn't ever think that it would be! Today feels like the longest day on record and there are workmen outside and every little thud goes right through me. I would love to go and tell them to shut up but they would probably beat me up :-P
The hardest thing is taking compliments from strangers though i mean no one here knows what a bad person (its so annoying you cant swear with this!) i am. And i know what everyone will say oh you aren't that bad there's good in you but i find that really hard to accept. I suppose i am feeling really bitter right now and angry and upset and i'm also a very cynical person it doesn't help! But i'll try and process the comments on face value for what they are.
The hardest thing is taking compliments from strangers though i mean no one here knows what a bad person (its so annoying you cant swear with this!) i am. And i know what everyone will say oh you aren't that bad there's good in you but i find that really hard to accept. I suppose i am feeling really bitter right now and angry and upset and i'm also a very cynical person it doesn't help! But i'll try and process the comments on face value for what they are.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 13
Oh and trust me if there was a meeting i could physically go to i would but i live in the sticks and there's only three a week in the big town near us. So unfourtanatley through geography and where my parents decided to settle there's not alot i can do but stick it out.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
I had to accept the fact that I wasn't a bad person necessarily--but I did do alot of bad things...things that I never would have done if I wasn't under the influence of drugs. I had to learn to separate my "who" (who I really am) from my "do" (those things which I did while in my active addiction)...which isn't always easy..even now sometimes. I am in the process of learning how to forgive myself and love myself--not in a selfish way--but in a way where I no longer feel ashamed of who I was. By no means am I proud of how I was back then, but today I realize I cannot change the past....but I can change my future..and I don't have to repeat old mistakes. Today (thanks to NA) I have a choice. I can stay clean today--it all starts with the desire..which must come from within myself. I can only stay clean for me--not for anybody else.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
