Aysha

I have layed low the past few days. Not posting. Not saying more than I have to with anyone. For fear I will say something mean and I dont want to do that. I do not want to unintentionally take my anger out on anyone.

But I have to get this feeling down and not hold it in. I am friggin so angry lately. I have no idea why. Every little thing aggravates me. I cant even stand to be around my baby cousins cause they grind on my nerves like nails on a chalk board. And they are just being kids. But I have zero tolerance for anything anymore.
Anything and everything is pushing me to the edge of losing my self control.

I really need to get this out especially after what happened yesterday apple picking. I almost got into a fight with a total stranger at the apple orchard. We were walking to the car and my cousin was in front of me holding the baby and we were crossing the parking lot to the car and this chick comes around the corner and cuts her off. Then says sorry and keeps going. Well with my foul a$$ mood I open my huge mouth nd say..No your not or you wouldnt have did it. Leave it to me to run my mouth. So this chick starts running her mouth and gets out of her car talking ****. And I lost it. I got about an inch from her face and started cussing her out and seriously challenging this B*** to jump. I poked the girl in her forehead a few times while I was doing this hopeing she would swing. She tried pushing me a couple times. But I am like a brickhouse. She olnly pushed herself really. Then jail pops into my mind. And as bad as I wanted to knock her a$$ out. I walked away like a freakin punk. At least thats what it felt like. I have never walked away from soemthing like that in my life. But I dont need to fo to jail. Especially making a scene in a family place in front of my family and little cousins. So I was real eaten up that I in my mind punked out.
Today. I am glad. I dont care what anyone thinks. I know what would have happened if I let all my anger go on that girl. I would be sitting in jail. I know I would have hurt her pretty bad for the simple fact that it has been stewing for awhile and she would have been the sorry B**** to get it all unleashed on her. Honestly ..I wouldnt have stopped until there was blood.

This is what is scaring me. I have been feeling this violent rage for a little while now and I am scared I am going to lose it. The wrong person is going to set me off and its a wrap.

And also...I thought I was over this immature ****. I dont like losing my cool. And at work it seems these a$$hole I call on the phone all got some serious attitudes and some even are very rude and disrespectful and I want to reach throught the phone and choke the **** out of them. Or start breaking stuff.

I dont have the urge to get high. I dont even think about it.
So WTF is going on?

I need to get this under control before I do something I know I will regret.

I dont know what my problem is. Thats the messed up part.

I dont even have it in me to whine in the thread. Welocme anyone here. Say much of anyhting to anyone. Post ..nothing. Nothing directed toward anyone. But if you dont have anything good to say dont say anything at all.

I am afraid I will say something harsh and stupid so I am not posting anything right now. Not that naything has got me thinking this way. I just am not taking any chances. I can be a real a$$ sometimes for no reason. And the last thing I want to do is take it out on anyone here or anywhere for that matter.

I dont know what to do. I dont want to feel liek this anymore.

So how do you fix a problem when you dont even know what it is??

I just needed to vent...rant..whatever. I cant hold this in anymore.

Sry for being a jerk. I know it is stupid. I am ashamed to feel like this. And even more for what happened yesterday. I am better than that. But I dont care seems like lately.

You guys know me inside and out pretty much. Some of you have seen all sides of me and still stood by me. Thats why I came here to get it out.

I dont want to fall back into old behavior. I cant.

Sorry so long. :sorry

Lenina

chynita,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Have you had a thyroid check? My sister was getting these blind rages over some small stuff. It got so bad she was afraid to be around her kids. Turns out her thyroid was out of whack. It couldn't hurt to have it checked out. It's a simple blood test and the meds are inexpensive.

Love,

Lenina

Dee74

recovery is pretty freaky with the mood swings Chiy, but I dunno this sounds a little more than that...maybe you do need to at least talk to yr doctor, let them check you out?

and in the meantime - try not to put anyone in 'hostipal'


D

Pixy1

:ghug3

DSodaNow

Wow... I am sorry you are having to feel this way. I hope getting it out helped.

:ghug

espresso

Maybe you should see your Doctor. Hope you have a better day today. Hugs to you.

Jules62

Hey chiy,

I'm wondering too if it's a thyroid thing?I'm also wonering if it's hormonal(and I don't mean the ordinary stuff women go through-I'm seriously wondering if it could be your hormones are out of whack and you need some help with levelling them out?) Just a thought-I'm not a doctor but I've had girlfriends with both those issues (thyroid and hormones)and inappropriate rage was part of their symptoms at times.

Anyway-just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling like this and I'm thinking of you,

Julesxox

BeamMeUpScotty

Hey C,

I just wrote something, but I lost it somehow. So it goes.

Even though I'm sitting here on a rainy Tuesday nursing a foot aching with a helluva case of gout (no doubt "encouraged" by my prior life with copious ingestion of yeast excrement) I'm having a good day. Not that I'm feeling overly happy or sad, things are just generally OK in the universe for me today. Hopefully, I can cyber-send some of that to you.

My favorite author is Kurt Vonnegut. I've just been surfing his website today and I've been smiling due to it. He can make me see the absurdity of life, and thus the need not to worry so much, like nobody else. If you haven't read anything by him, I strongly suggest it, along with the sunscreen.

So, instead of me trying to "wax philosophical", I'll let Kurt do the work. All the following are his words (unless otherwise stated). Also, don't worry, even if you don't understand:

""My God — life! Who can understand even one little minute of it?"
"Don't try. Just pretend you understand."

"Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."

"Any man can call time out, but no man can say how long the time out will be."

"That is my principal objection to life, I think: It's too easy, when alive, to make perfectly horrible mistakes."

"So it goes."

"I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over (emphasis added). Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center."

"People have to talk about something just to keep their voice boxes in working order so they'll have good voice boxes in case there's ever anything really meaningful to say. "

Today, you have something meaningful to say. BMUS

"We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down."

"There are plenty of good reasons for fighting, but no good reason ever to hate without reservation, to imagine that God Almighty Himself hates with you, too."

“Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything.”

"Tiger got to hunt,
Bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?"

Tiger got to sleep,
Bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand."

"Many people need desperately to receive this message: 'I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone. (emphasis added)'"

“He always said he would never take his own advice, because he knew it was worthless.”

"There is no order in the world around us, we must adapt ourselves to the requirements of chaos instead. It is hard to adapt to chaos, but it can be done. I am living proof of that: It can be done."

"We talked about the Pope and birth control, about Hitler and the Jews. We talked about phonies. We talked about truth. We talked about gangsters; we talked about business. We talked about the nice poor people who went to the electric chair; and we talked about the rich bastards who didn’t. We talked about religious people who had perversions. We talked about a lot of things."

"There should have been a Secretary of the Future"

"In a messy world we were at least making our little corner clean."

Hope that's not too long. Maybe it helps. Hope you feel better.--BMUS

"What is the secret of life?” I asked.
“I forget,” said Sandra.
“Protein,” the bartender declared."

Oh, and trust me on the sunscreen.

BMUS

mxchaos

keep it simple

Rusty Zipper

trish i agree with seeing a doc on the Physical side of this...

also, anger management...

i know i guy, who's now a great friend of mine that went, and it opened up his now present...

he still blows a load here and there, just he knows why!

always wish'n you the best trish...

pat

juliee

Chi,
I always gain a lot from your post. Thanks for your openness and willingness to share. I learn from it everytime I come to SR.
What about exercise....? Get a good punching bag & let loose. Sometimes there is no substitute for hitting something. (or throwing something, etc.) just make sure it's OK to hit or throw. ie: punching bag, frisbee. No real experience in this, but, I see my son hit the gym reguarly to release energy. Hugs and hope it helps!

Horselover

:ghug3 Don't have anything wise to say and so :ghug3

BeamMeUpScotty

And eschew obfuscation!!

jurneyman

I had tremendous rage for months when I was first getting clean and sober, from decades
of not dealing with life, just getting high and ignoring everything that a normal person who responds to, and takes care of life, and what it gives you to deal with would. When I could
no longer use drugs and alcohol to keep me isolated from the rest of the world, all the
emotions that I had not felt before, and all the times, many of them I didn't remember,
came rushing out, all at once, and no way to keep them from affecting my new life. I
agree with Juliee, get them out, for some people like myself the sooner I disipated the
rage inside of me, the sooner I could get to dealing with life as it is. I spoke on another forum, about hanging an old cushion in the basement, and beating on it till I was mentally and physically exhausted, sometimes screaming at the invisible demons, sometimes crying when I was drained with nothing left, I did this for almost a week, and then going to meeting after the workout. That combination was the best action I could have ever done for myself. I thank God for the person who with love stood with me and pushed me to do it. I don't know if I could have done it without his support. This was my first exercise in humility, breaking down and crying in front of a man I respected.

gypsytears

Chiy... posting something here that's out of line or rude or inappropriate is understandable. Forgivable even.

Poking someone in the head and engaging someone into a physical fight even though you walked away in the end sounds like a serious problem. I'm glad you stopped yourself this time but what if there's a next?

See your doctor. Have you blood levels checked. If everything comes back alright I'd consider talking to someone about these feelings. Counseling, anger management or something. Anything so that what happened doesn't happen again or go any further if there's a next time. And I really hope for your sake there isn't. I know how hard you've been working at recovery and I'm proud if you for that. Nip this in the bud before things change hun.

least

I agree with the others: see your doctor. Counseling might also be helpful to address your anger issues. Don't want to see you go to jail or hurt anyone else. Will keep you in my prayers!

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

((((Trish)))))

I'm glad that you posted that.

My exH had a serious anger issue. After showing me how serious that issue was, he was court ordered to go to Anger Management therapy for 6 months. Not only did he love the therapy (group with other men), he made new friends, and although he has a moment here n there, he is so much better using the tools that he learned. It's to the point where my son mentioned to me how changed his father is, and how happy he is about that.

We've seen how you can change Trish. You ARE a miracle..so get your butt to a doc and make sure everything is working ok..and then try and find a professional to talk too...

Ever sign back up for IOP? I hear AA/NA has a pretty good toolbox they hand out! (I know, I know..gotta stick that in there....)

xo

Karen

Toomutch

I agree with the others Chiy - Go to the doc and have your hormone levels checked out.

Please do it soon before there is a ""brawl in the apple orchard" ( sounds like a country western song).

All joking aside Trish, I hope you will find some answers soon and in the mean time a punching bag, that Juliee mentioned might be a good idea. Just be careful; when my mom was going through some anger issues her doctor told her to hit a trashcan with a bseball bat. Well she did what he said... and broke her hand!

BeamMeUpScotty

The doc sounds like a real Jerk: "there's something wrong with these cans! He HATES these CANS!"

OK all, I'm off to bed. Hope I made someone smile today.

Cheers,

BMUS

Boleo

For me sobriety was not worth having until I learned how to deal with "root causes" (anxiety, frustration, guilt & despair).

It took me a while to learn that the the so called "triggers" that lead me to relapse were really just my emotions run wild. It was not until I started using spiritual principles to find peace of mind that I began to feel comfortable in my own skin again.