SlvrMag

I am putting this in this forum also in hopes that I get more feedback:



When I was still in active addiction, my husband always said he would do whatever it took to support me in getting clean. At first, maybe the first month, he was very supportive. Soon I could tell that he was tired of hearing about my recovery. When I would mention going to a meeting he would sigh, or roll his eyes.

:wtf2
So I asked him what his problem was, he said "How long is this stuff going to be in my life?" I said "Well, hopefully forever, because if I stop being active in my recovery, I will go back out there".
I am making this long story short but basically he just thinks I should be "all better" and life should just be "normal". What a slap in the face! I suggested he go to Al-Anon...he laughed. This lack of support has progressed over the past 2 months. He was not very happy when I told him I am the secretary of my homegroup's Sunday meeting.
I know I can't change him, and I need to work on myself. Maybe that's just it - maybe he is afraid of me working on myself because I may "change"? I don't know. Any advice?

TTOSBT

I am so sorry. That makes it harder, but you know what you have to do.

What I did was choose the meetings that I absolutely wanted to go to every week and I told my husband that is what I would like and would he be okay with those days. He said yes, I put them on the calendar that is on the fridge. It helped me because then I did not feel like I had to run it by him every time I was going to a meeting. And he knows what to expect. I don't know if that helps at all in your situation but thought I would put it out there.

I am here for you if you need anything :ghug3

Change4life

I cant offer much advice, only support. I find a lot of eye rolling going on when I try to discuss recovery. Some of my friends seem more annoyed by my dissussions of recovery than they were about having to bail me out of jail numerous times. I dont really get where their coming from so I stopped trying to figure it out and do what I have to, to stay clean. I dont think it is a good thing To hide feelings from a mate,but maybe for now you might try not talking about recovery with him and save it for your meeting friends. Eventually he might come around, but dontlet his indifference sabatouge your recovery.

Good luck

SlvrMag

I told him just today that I now have a meeting schedule: I don't go on Tues. and Fri. so I can do the soccer practice thing, and I won't go on Sat.

But this IS subject to change if I really feel I need one.

Latte

You have to focus on your own recovery. He will seek his when he is ready. My DH never has. I gave him lists of Al-Anon meetings and he has access to counselors through work or through his health insurance for free. I give information only.

I just knew that only I could take care of my recovery, he couldn't. I just take care of me. That is the only way I know how to make sure things stay good. It's amazing how all the promises really do come true when I do what I am supposed to.

Yes, he will need some sort of recovery but only he can do that.

bostonluv

I don't really have anyone to talk to about my addictions except here with other people who understand. Sometimes I'll tell my boyfriend how many days I'm on and I get this bored look. He'll pat me on the leg and say, that's good babe and go onto another topic. It doesn't hurt my feelings much. He's just not who I talk to about these things.

SlvrMag

I see your point here, but he has NO problem bringing up my past drug use so why SHOULDN'T I talk about recovery? I would think he would be proud of me.

bostonluv

GOOD point. You should bring it up. He is your husband and if you bring it up correctly and give him time to chew on it - he may see your point. It's a good point.

Latte

I don't think you should worry about his bored looks etc. Say what you need to say. It isn't hurting him. I talk about other things with DH that he rolls his eyes at. I'm sure I've done it to him too. I can only listen to so much about the Coast Guards accounting system before I want to take a nap. It doesn't mean I don't care though.

We're married, I get to torture him with with boring things for the rest of our marriage.

TsButterfly

I don't have much advise on this either but I do agree 100% with Change4life on this point.

SlvrMag

I try not to make my recovery the topic of all conversations, there is more to life than that.
But I have gotten maybe 2-3 "I'm proud of you"'s during my 3 1/2 months of sobriety. I just feel that this is what he wanted SOOOO badly and now he is SOOO not a part of it.

But ya' know what? It really does not matter what HE so badly wanted...it is now what I want and I can do this with or without him.

Seems now that I am not using, so many other problems are appearing, or maybe it's just that I am beginning to see them now that I am not avoiding all life's problems with drugs.

Lawless

I am not married but my GF has been alcohol free for 5 days now, I am so proud of her I want to burst, I want to scream it to the skies. I too want this sooooo badly for her and personally I don't give a damn if I am a part of it or not.

You are exactly right in thinking that it isn't what he wants it's what you want now, thats good.

About the other problems appearing, well so far in the last 5 days I have seen a change in my GF. Fact is that things are not the same and may never be, that is something I have to adjust to. For your H much the same I think, he is probably still adjusting to the new you.

SlvrMag

Thank You for all your reply's

Lawless, KEEP being proud of her!!!

lisa1235

well im not in a relationship at the moment but its basically because after i got clean and in recovery i changed.the things i would and wouldnot accept in a partner changed.i tried to work it out with him but it seemed his way or the highway.i chose the highway ...this is just my story you are married i was not.all i can tell you is to sit him down and tell him how you truely feel.that way you wont build up resentment and maybe yall can get on the same page about your recovery.it is very important to share that with people you love and to recieve their support.you deserve happiness and serenity in youre life.i try and nip all mine in the bud early on so i dont get built up feelings anymore.today im important in my life and you should be in yours.maybe after yall talk you could tell him some of the things that are important to you that help you stay clean and the support thats so much needed from the one you love.i hope this helps ..i think you should always put your recovery first it is very important.hugs

SlvrMag

Thank You Lisa, I am afraid of the building resentment, but he is so hard to talk to. I will keep trying though. I have heard many different views on this matter and it does help.

TTOSBT

Cool! Yep, that is exactly what I do.
My home group is Monday night, Wed is my Woman mtg, Fri is a meeting that I like to attend with my sponsor & Sat night is my Speaker mtg. Tues, Thurs and Sat morning I go to the gym (I take my daughter) & Sunday is free choice. I can go to the gym, go to a meeting, both or none. I give myself permission to not do a thing if I don't want to. And hubby knows that this is my schedule. I am also the Team Mom for the Soccer team and the co-leader for the Brownie troop so I am able to work those things around my meetings.

But if I need a meeting, I need a meeting. I have to say though, I am very blessed because if I get in a bad place my husband will say, have you called your sponsor? Shouldn't you get to a meeting? Hehe.

SlvrMag

Well, we just spent a couple hours talking in depth, and he is not willing to "put up" with me being actively involved in my sobriety. He says he does not want to live "like this", always wondering if I'm going to go back out there. I told him I am more likely to go back out if I'm NOT involved in my sobriety. I again mentioned Nar-anon meetings - his words: "I am not going to go to a meeting and gossip about peoples lives". WTF?

Believe me, I have said to him all there is to say. He is SET in his ways. Nothing more I can do, I guess.

TTOSBT

I am sorry about that SlvrMag. So what does this mean? Does he want a divorce now that you are sober?

Anna

When I finally stopped drinking, my family was tired of listening to me and no longer paid any attention. So, I just stopped and didn't say anything. For the first few months, I was desperate to tell my husband and kids what had led me to the point of addiction. I wanted them to understand 'my side' of the story. They didn't want to hear any of it. They just wanted me to get better and that's all. One of the most difficult lessons of recovery, was that I had to do this for myself for my own reasons. To this day, they don't want to talk about it. That's why I come to SR.

You can do this!

SlvrMag

I mentioned a trial seperation, he did not oppose.