How Do I Deal With This?
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
Oh Slvr, I am so sorry to hear this. Especially since you said he was so supportive in the early stages.
I'm not going to just repeat things that have already been said, but I do agree with a lot of what the other posters have said. You DO have to do this for yourself. His recovery (and his acknowledgment of your recovery) is up to him. Do not let his fear and stubbornness be YOUR enemies.
Change is scary, even when it's for the better. And yes, I'm sure he is SCARED of how things will be with you sober! I think that's perfectly natural. But to tell you that he won't "put up with" you being active in recovery? That's insane. He'd rather "put up with" you being active in addiction?! He doesn't want to "live like this"? Wow.
I just really wish I could give you a hug right now. Keep coming here. Keep going to your meetings. Keep up all the good work you've been doing. YOU DESERVE IT.
I'm not going to just repeat things that have already been said, but I do agree with a lot of what the other posters have said. You DO have to do this for yourself. His recovery (and his acknowledgment of your recovery) is up to him. Do not let his fear and stubbornness be YOUR enemies.
Change is scary, even when it's for the better. And yes, I'm sure he is SCARED of how things will be with you sober! I think that's perfectly natural. But to tell you that he won't "put up with" you being active in recovery? That's insane. He'd rather "put up with" you being active in addiction?! He doesn't want to "live like this"? Wow.
I just really wish I could give you a hug right now. Keep coming here. Keep going to your meetings. Keep up all the good work you've been doing. YOU DESERVE IT.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
I think the comment about him being 'afraid' of you changing may be really important. Maybe even tho he didn't like your drug use, he was used to you that way, and knew that you were so involved in your addiction you wouldn't say or do much to him no matter what. Lots of people get their lives under control and their spouses or SO's can't handle the change.
I hope that no matter what happens to your marriage, that YOU remain strong in your recovery. Be good to yourself, you deserve kindness and respect, even if it's your own kindness and self respect.
Hugs to you!
:ghug3
I hope that no matter what happens to your marriage, that YOU remain strong in your recovery. Be good to yourself, you deserve kindness and respect, even if it's your own kindness and self respect.
Hugs to you!
:ghug3
Black and Yellow
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Thank you for your support, I am gonna need all my friends at SR.
He is now being extremely nice to me now...not that he is ever really mean but usually he is just kinda - blank. Weird.
He is now being extremely nice to me now...not that he is ever really mean but usually he is just kinda - blank. Weird.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 42
He is afraid of change and sees you as a liar, he is sick of lies. Only God, you and time can repair for lost trust and time. Bend your knees! Speak to God, he is there! You can do this without AA, it just takes WILL and CHARACTER!
be strong, God Bless..
- A man who would drink himself to sleep everyday with a bottle of vodka or 15 tiny bottles of brandy....
be strong, God Bless..
- A man who would drink himself to sleep everyday with a bottle of vodka or 15 tiny bottles of brandy....
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 700
SlvrMag,
Over the years I've seen this happen a lot. Partners or spouses want us to stop drinking but don't want us to change, and we know we have to change in order to stay stopped. So we stop, we change, we grow. They have to grow with us. I see he doesn't want to go to alanon. Maybe marriage counseling would be better.
I pray that you guys can work it out.
Over the years I've seen this happen a lot. Partners or spouses want us to stop drinking but don't want us to change, and we know we have to change in order to stay stopped. So we stop, we change, we grow. They have to grow with us. I see he doesn't want to go to alanon. Maybe marriage counseling would be better.
I pray that you guys can work it out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: richmond,va
Posts: 307
wow-im sorry to hear his view of things.it seems to me if he didnt want to live with the fear of you relapsing he'd be more supportive.i hope you know you are supported here and that i think you've made tremendous steps in youre life.you are doing the right thing for you and you need to continue in recovery.i was once asked what was i willing to do for my recovery???..that was a hard one early on but i learned that nothing i mean nothing in my life can come first.without a clear state of mind im useless in all areas of a real life..not the make believe one i had in active use.we can pretend in that world not the real one.we see things for what they are not what we like them to be.i hope you let nothing discourage your process.you have to heal learn yourself and the things you require for peace and happiness.i just suggest you take youre time.dont jump either way without deciding what you want.work with youre sponser because right now you need added support from someone strong in recovery.i hope he changes his mind and sees how much this will benefit both of you for the future.he may come around if not focuas on yourself and youre recovery.you have my support i hope you choose whats right for you..hugs:ghug2
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
My husband doesn't talk about my sobriety, either. When I mentioned I hit 90 days....he asked how long I was gonna keep track of the days. I don't think he meant it in a bad way, I just think he doesn't understand how truly amazing staying sober for that long was for me.
Could be that he lost his drinking buddy (me!), too.
Like others have said...I have SR, and that's it.....and I'm damn grateful for it. Good Thread.
Could be that he lost his drinking buddy (me!), too.
Like others have said...I have SR, and that's it.....and I'm damn grateful for it. Good Thread.
Last edited by coffeenut; 09-26-2008 at 08:51 PM. Reason: added comment
Black and Yellow
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Originally Posted by Popov_overdose 
He is afraid of change and sees you as a liar, he is sick of lies. Only God, you and time can repair for lost trust and time. Bend your knees! Speak to God, he is there! You can do this without AA, it just takes WILL and CHARACTER!
be strong, God Bless..
- A man who would drink himself to sleep everyday with a bottle of vodka or 15 tiny bottles of brandy....
be strong, God Bless..
- A man who would drink himself to sleep everyday with a bottle of vodka or 15 tiny bottles of brandy....
Without AA? You mean NA...I respectfully disagree, I cannot do this without NA.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 42
Yes without AA, I miscounted, and it has now been 35 days for me (thought it was 32), NO AA, just the help of God and faith, and NO I am no fanatic Christian, and do not even go to church, but faith moves mountains.
I want to live for my kids, I want to be successful, and alcohol will take me nowhere, it draws people away, family, children, friends and colleagues....IT CAN BE DONE, you can all endure 24 hours of hell, because that is what a hangover when you are deep in alcohol lasts, be ready for it, lock yourself in a room, grab OJ, eat like a mad person after your last drink, take bottles of water in to your room, granola bars, and be ready to toss around in bed and have no sleep for more than 20 hours.
After that hell, it will fade, but you will need, vitamins, bananas (potassium source), Oranges, and even if you are not thirsty, pound water, tea, and coffee like there is no tomorrow, every time you pee, you are a step closer....after two weeks, I was fine, again and this after drinking a bottle and a half of Brandy or Vodka daily......for 15 years!
IT CAN BE DONE, but it takes BALLS (excuse my expression) but us addict don't need a back rub, we need a wake up call, WE ARE SICK and must admit it to be cured.... ;-)
God Bless.
Trust me, for a man like me to go Cold Turkey, it was unthinkable, I said" I will die form a hangover"...you won't, pray, lot's of prayer, be honest with God and tell him you no longer wat to livein this hel, weteher it be drugs or alcohol, this method works...lockdown in your own home! and a hydration plan that will keep you alive!
I want to live for my kids, I want to be successful, and alcohol will take me nowhere, it draws people away, family, children, friends and colleagues....IT CAN BE DONE, you can all endure 24 hours of hell, because that is what a hangover when you are deep in alcohol lasts, be ready for it, lock yourself in a room, grab OJ, eat like a mad person after your last drink, take bottles of water in to your room, granola bars, and be ready to toss around in bed and have no sleep for more than 20 hours.
After that hell, it will fade, but you will need, vitamins, bananas (potassium source), Oranges, and even if you are not thirsty, pound water, tea, and coffee like there is no tomorrow, every time you pee, you are a step closer....after two weeks, I was fine, again and this after drinking a bottle and a half of Brandy or Vodka daily......for 15 years!
IT CAN BE DONE, but it takes BALLS (excuse my expression) but us addict don't need a back rub, we need a wake up call, WE ARE SICK and must admit it to be cured.... ;-)
God Bless.
Trust me, for a man like me to go Cold Turkey, it was unthinkable, I said" I will die form a hangover"...you won't, pray, lot's of prayer, be honest with God and tell him you no longer wat to livein this hel, weteher it be drugs or alcohol, this method works...lockdown in your own home! and a hydration plan that will keep you alive!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
pops...the hydration part really helps like you have said. I'm glad you found a way to stay sober that works for you. Everyone seems to do it a little different.
silver - just read through threads and try different things and pay attention to what works and doesn't work for you. You seem to have found a solution and I'm happy for you.
silver - just read through threads and try different things and pay attention to what works and doesn't work for you. You seem to have found a solution and I'm happy for you.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 347
I know that in my recovery, I had to look really carefully at who I was, and what I was doing, including my job, the people around me etc. Only things that are supportive or "enable" my recovery got to stay. Which doesn't mean that I kicked absolutely everyone out of my life, but the ones who are around are either in recovery, or are supportive of my recovery. When I started dating the guy I'm seeing, I told him flat out, that he may get to be the most important PERSON around me-- but my recovery is the most important THING (period) in my life. His response was "Good, you were an a**hole when you were using."
Yeah-- he does this to me too.
But if I need a meeting, I need a meeting. I have to say though, I am very blessed because if I get in a bad place my husband will say, have you called your sponsor? Shouldn't you get to a meeting? Hehe.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I would keep doing what has kept you off meth and what is working for you.
NA seems to be your thing, don't let ANYONE take that away from you.
You know, I know, many of us know the depths of hell that meth can take us to, and it doesn't take much to lead us back there.
I would try marriage counseling if he is willing to go, but if not so be it.
Whatever it takes to stay off meth, is my bottom line. That is how I see it, and anyone who stands in my way must get out of the way.
Easier said than done, and I can't fathom the fact of not having his support, but you can only control yourself.
When I was in treatment for my ED I was amazed at how many husbands left their wives or tried to pull them out of treatment when they saw them getting better, it's a very common thing from what I have seen, especially when someone has been sick for a long time.
And who knows in time he may adjust this is also a Huge change for him, he needs his time to figure it all out as well. But sobriety comes above all.
:ghug3
That's me anyway. Meth is too powerful to not be on top of the game.
:ghug2
NA seems to be your thing, don't let ANYONE take that away from you.
You know, I know, many of us know the depths of hell that meth can take us to, and it doesn't take much to lead us back there.
I would try marriage counseling if he is willing to go, but if not so be it.
Whatever it takes to stay off meth, is my bottom line. That is how I see it, and anyone who stands in my way must get out of the way.
Easier said than done, and I can't fathom the fact of not having his support, but you can only control yourself.
When I was in treatment for my ED I was amazed at how many husbands left their wives or tried to pull them out of treatment when they saw them getting better, it's a very common thing from what I have seen, especially when someone has been sick for a long time.
And who knows in time he may adjust this is also a Huge change for him, he needs his time to figure it all out as well. But sobriety comes above all.
:ghug3
That's me anyway. Meth is too powerful to not be on top of the game.
:ghug2
Black and Yellow
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
What I keep thinking is, I was in active addiction the day we met. I am growing and changing and learning so he doesn't even know the "real" me...he!! I don't even know the real me! So it's a good possibility we may grow apart in time.
I DO realize I am lucky though, I COULD have a complete a**hole of a man! He is a good man and he does take care of me and I know he is dealing with alot too. However it works out is how it works out I guess!
Thank you.
I DO realize I am lucky though, I COULD have a complete a**hole of a man! He is a good man and he does take care of me and I know he is dealing with alot too. However it works out is how it works out I guess!
Thank you.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by SlvrMag
What I keep thinking is, I was in active addiction the day we met. I am growing and changing and learning so he doesn't even know the "real" me...he!! I don't even know the real me! So it's a good possibility we may grow apart in time.
I DO realize I am lucky though, I COULD have a complete a**hole of a man! He is a good man and he does take care of me and I know he is dealing with alot too. However it works out is how it works out I guess!
Thank you.
I DO realize I am lucky though, I COULD have a complete a**hole of a man! He is a good man and he does take care of me and I know he is dealing with alot too. However it works out is how it works out I guess!
Thank you.
constantly changing into better people, I mean part of us remains the same, but I am a much different person than I used to be. Constant growth is normal I think.
Have you tried 'really' talking to him and seeing what is really going on?
Maybe he's afraid of losing you, afraid of change.
Sometimes I think if we try and understand the other person first and then be understood it makes a world of difference.
It's easy to get caught up in I need him/her to understand me, I need them to know what I am going through, and we forget to try and really see through their eyes.
Men have such (most of them) a hard time (in my experience) expressing themselves or what they really mean, compared to us women. We get emotional, or whatever, men tend to express it different, especially when they feel threatened or out of control.
I mean there is a possibility that this has nothing to do with your NA at all.
I dunno...
Black and Yellow
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,359
Your right Done, We are finding that the root of our problems have nothing to do with NA. He is very hard to get to open up and I always, in any situation, make an attempt to understand where the other person is coming from. I asked him to try and do the same for me and he shakes his head "NO" and says he does not WANT to understand where I am coming from. We have a long road ahead of us!
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by SlvrMag
Your right Done, We are finding that the root of our problems have nothing to do with NA. He is very hard to get to open up and I always, in any situation, make an attempt to understand where the other person is coming from. I asked him to try and do the same for me and he shakes his head "NO" and says he does not WANT to understand where I am coming from. We have a long road ahead of us!
lol, Sounds like it. Hang in there girl, just stay strong in your recovery first and foremost..
:ghug
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: richmond,va
Posts: 307
i wish i had a easy answer for you but i dont.all i can tell you is stay strong..keep motivated..you are on the right road..i hope he comes around.i've given up on trying to figure men out anymore.i wasted far too much time on that project and i found it not healthy for me.all i know is find yourself and keep the comunication going .i hope things can work out for you and youre husband.like all things it takes work..and time..its not going to be overnite but persisted the right way it can work out for the best and thats what you deserve.never cut yourself short or let anyone else.:ghug
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