Change4life

Im stuck on my regrets and mistakes. I just cant get passed all the screw ups and feel like I will nver be able to repair my life.

Does anyone have any advice on how to forgive yourself. My inability to forgive myself keeps me beating myself up, but im too tired to be doing that anymore.

I really need help with this. I know i cant be alone on this one. How do I work through and get passed this.

CarolD

Are you using a structured recovery program?

I do and when I completed my formal AA Steps
4 & 5....I finally forgave myself and moved on.

hope you too can find peace and joy...

Aysha

Beth..I really dont know how to do it. I just know I had to in order to move forward. I had to let go of alot of things with myself. And still ahve some. But I just try my best to not think about it. I concentrate on the now.

You definately need to start to let it go. Nothing you can do to change what has been done. Its over. You have a whole new path to travel. So just remember not to make the same mistakes.

Dee74

Beth,

In another life (far off now) I was a historian. I learned then you can't touch, change or impact the past - you can only look at it.

It's like it's behind glass.

But still I tried to live in my past for a lot of years - I'd regret things, beat myself up over other things, think of all the bad things I did or people I let down or hurt...

In the end I had to let regret go, and draw a line in the sand - cos if it didn't lead to drinking, it led to self loathing, which led to prime conditions for drinking....and self loathings no way to live anyway.

Today I think the best way I can make amends for the things I did is to not do them again.

Not only that, if I live the life I know I should, I might just be able to help other people, and maybe even stop a few of them from making the mistakes I did.

And some of the people I hurt even love me again now.
It works for me.

D

Change4life

there is some chance the people I love will eventually see ive changed. My relationshipe have gotten way better. Its the suff I can never make go away. Criminal record is driving me absolutely crazy cause I would like to get a real job with benefits, but i just dont see that happening. School, OMG that whole situation keeps me up almost everynight. I cant even talk about it cause im sure Ill strangle myself if I think about it too much. Its amazing how much hair you can pull out of your head without going bald LOL.

My dad.... When he was dying I thought I couldnt take time off from work cause I didnt want to lose my job, but the drugs brought me down and I lost my job anyway so why didnt I quit to take care of my dad? I should have spent that time with him.

How can I ever possibly forgive myself for that?

Dee74

I think there's a difference between doing something you can't forgive yourself for, and continually punishing yourself for that something.

I've got stuff I can't forgive myself for, and stuff I can't forgive other people for either but I try to act positively not negatively.

I try to make amends the best way I can - by being the person I always wanted to be - I don't punish myself by drinking and I try not to live in self loathing or any of that old behaviour. You're just compounding the stuff you did with more bad stuff that way IMO.



D

Change4life

Ive been so upset about everythihg I just feel like im going to collapse, but I cant sleep.
I can never sleep at night. Its too quiet and I feel so very alone.

Thats when I usually start to drink. Late at night when its really quiet and im alone.

bostonluv

Love that little tidbit from your post.

My advice on forgiving is yourself is like the not drinking: practice, practice, practice. Let it go. Say, "I forgive you" outloud. Think of yourself as a friend. Say nice things to yourself. If you find yourself thinking of it: Stop and have a plan of what else you can think about. This takes practice but can be done. You're not letting yourself off the hook, you're moving along. It's done. You can't go back. This is how I forgive myself. Same as I would a friend of mine.

Change4life

Some of My screw ups are unacceptable to me. I dont want to live knowing i was a big failure in everything. Even worse I dont want to die knowing that

bostonluv

Well, if you make better future choices and move forward in a positive direction the past offenses will fade out and become fainter and fainter. The theory of motion. Good things will happen if you let them. Personally, I need a good beating now and then but I can't do it everyday. It would be counter productive.

espresso

Hi,
Some great responses here. Not sure either if you are in a 12 step program but as someone has said, you can find forgiveness of yourself in steps 4 and 5 and move on.

This is an affirmation from Louise Hay:

Change4life

Im not in 12 step, though i wish I would be able to get myself to some meetings and in that direction.

Espresso Thank you for the affirmation. i try to stay positve I need constant reminders that I nned to change my thinking.

Impurrfect

(((Beth)))

I like the responses you have gotten.

Like Dee, there are a few things I cannot forgive myself for. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I love my cats (my babies). When I was active, I walked away from my 4 cats. 2 ran away, and my old neighbor took the 2 who were still there. My 16-year-old died a year later.

It may sound silly to some, but it is HUGE to me. When I moved home (thanks to my fincancial ruin), there were 3 cats here. The best way I can make amends is to love them, and they are spoiled.

When my mom died, I was pretty much addicted to my now XABF and didn't spend nearly as much time with her as I should have. Today, I let people know I love them, and I try to spend time with them.

We can't change the past, though I wish we could. I'm dealing with the criminal record thing, too, and continue waiting tables on 3rd shift, in a 24-hour-restaurant where business has gone really down. It's a long way from when I was an RN!

I still beat myself up on some days, but the majority of days I just realize that all I can do is not make the same mistakes over, or make any new ones. I'm so sick of dealing with all these consequences, I'm doing my best to not do something now that I'll have to deal with later.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you know the drinking is not helping. It's only going to make you feel worse.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

bostonluv

Great advice Amy. None of your regrets sound silly to me. We all have past regrets. Addicts or not. Every human being has something they desperately wish they could take back but cannot.

Now I have made myself sad.

LouLou629

I am dealing with this too..having a hard time forgiving myself for my drunken stoopers....what I remember and what I dont remember scares me even more... I used to think, and sometimes still get caught up in thinking that if I can get my loved ones to just forgive my every mistake then I will be able to stop obsessing and forgive myself..but i think its reversed..I have to forgive myself...I know that the drunk "me" is no reflection on the real me...the sober me is my new way of life and I find great calm in knowing that I dont have to worry about forgiving myself in future situations due to my addiction...I try to be really, even overly forgiving, of others mishaps...then I find it easier to forgive myself...please understand that we are all human...capable of doing some pretty crummy things..i think at times its even easier to do those crummy things than it is to do the right thing...and in retrospect...what I did when I was nineteen - twenty five, will not have an affect on my life when I am thirty five, fourty five....ninety! Life is all about making mistakes and growing and CHANGING! Yay for us! Each day is an opportunity to be the person you want...isnt that nice? Time flys and before you know it you will look back on that shadow of your former self, and be able to be so gratefull that its in the past and that you forgave yourself..how long are you supposed to beat yourself up anyways..?.Be proud of yourself for the fact that you acknowledge your problem...as long as your trying and changing...you are already ten steps ahead of the former "you" xoxo good luck

xXBacktoBlackXx

Awww, hugs. It is hard to overcome these thoughts. I think all we can do is ask forgiveness and try to change ourselves to become better people.

Hevyn

Beth, I haven't been here much lately, but reading your post and the responses has made me realize I need SR so much. Every time I take this place for granted something priceless will be said and I'll be blown away by the brilliance & wisdom. I needed this tonight. Weekends are tough.

I was stuck on remorse and guilt for many months, even after I was sober for awhile I wouldn't let it go. I don't have a magic answer or timetable, but all I know is one day I was just good and sick of myself - bored with my constant self-pity and regret. I want to live, that's why I got sober - to make my life count for something. We can't do it if we stay in the past. What you said about your father brought me to tears - but remind yourself that was NOT you, that was the addict behaving that way. Do you really think your father would want to be the cause of your misery? He would tell you to forgive yourself and get well, & I'm sure he knows how much you love him. Some day it will all become clear why these things had to happen to us, but for now all we can do is keep marching forward and hold our heads high. Someday all this sadness will be a dim memory.

least

I've always had a hard time forgiving myself. Then I started a short but horrible career as a wino/recluse. Now I have so much more to forgive myself for. But I have to do it one thing at a time. I can honestly try to forgive myself for Just One Thing today. Tomorrow I'll work on something else. You can too.

:ghug3

Rusty Zipper

There are many gifts that can come from disappointments if we are open to them.

One such gift is the ability to help others.

Having felt anger, guilt, and sorrow, we are better able to identify the same feelings in others.

We can be more tolerant of others, and have compassion for those with similar hurts. And, if we overcome the pain of our own disappointments, we can share the attitudes and actions that helped us grow from those hurts.

Another gift is forgiveness.

When we do not deny our pain - and make a concerted effort to work through our feelings of anger, rejection, and guilt - we gain a better perspective of ourselves and a better understanding of others.

We become aware of our deepest desires and needs, our deepest insecurities and fears, our weaknesses and our strengths.

When we can accept and understand our imperfect natures, we can accept the imperfections and growing pains of others.

Use disappointments as gifts to better understanding of myself, as well as others.

Today, i try to help others overcome their hurts by sharing my struggles and victories with them...

Change4life

Thanks for the advice. I am starting to understand that Im gonna have to suffer a little if im ever gonna move forward. In my early days of sobriety I promised myself I would move ahead and not look back, but I realize now that was unrealistic. As my thinking became clearer so did my memories and I didnt like what I was remembering. I decided I was a bad person and didnt deserve anything better and started drinking again.

I see now that most of us go through the same types of feelings and that some of you have been able to work through it.
So maybe I need to do the same thing. Im trying to tell myself, OK I screwed up the life I had, but that doesnt mean all is lost.

You have shown me that the past is what it is and I cant chage it. All I can do is work through the pain of my mistakes, and my dissappointments.

Yea I could just stay drunk and bury all my feelings, but Ill just end up stuck in a crappy state of mind forever.

I have to try. Its time to dry out.