Michelle41

Hi, my name is Michelle... I'm 41 and pregnant with a baby boy. I met Rob in Jan of this year. Something about him touched me. He was so wounded. I knew he wasn't someone I would date, but he was someone I thought I could help. I knew something wasn't right with him, but I couldn't put my finger on just how bad it was. I soon learned that Rob did coke... he lead me to believe it was a very "here or there" kinda thing.. I personally don't really believe in casual recreational drug use, but to each his own. I partied when I was younger, before I ever married and for sure not when I had children. I was in a very vulnerable place, with the demise of a 20 year marriage, my oldest son almost losing his life in a car accident, my company closing so I lost my job and just the sheer depression of the end of my family. I had just started a new job when I met Rob, and was miserable. I was living with my mom who is abusive in her own right. The setting was set. Enter Rob... my new friend.. someone I thought I could help... we went out a few times, was always fun, easy.. I liked the way he looked at me. I liked the way it felt when he hugged me, I thought I felt safe.. he is 6'5 i'm 5'1. However the more time I spent with him, the more I knew something was very wrong. We would talk for hours and hours and I ended up doing Coke with him a few times. I knew he was not some I could be around.. it wasn't good for me and I didn't want to go down that path. Well I ended up blowing a bunch of disks in my neck while I was at his house and had my neck fused from c2-c7. I had to stay with him because I lived 2 hours away and my neuro surgeon was there by him. I had alot of complications. He told my family he would take care of me. I was on alot of medications. I never stayed with him for more than a night. Here I am for 2 months. OMG the things I saw, the places he took me.. I was in shell shock, but he had me pretty much convinced I was seeing things. All the drug stuff I found which scared me to death. I really thought I had seen it all, I am forever humbled by this. I was very innocent to all that I saw. Well this can get very long so i will try to highlight it... he has been arrested 30+ times, no valid drivers license for 17 years, he is 37. Been doing coke for 16 years, sometimes up to 5 days a week or more. And it gets worse... it just keeps getting worse... during his volatile marriage, he did coke with his ex wife during her entire pregnancy, as well as smoking and drinking. This just blows me away. They were so toxic together. What that poor boy must have seen. Rob is paranoid when he does coke, I had never ever seen anything like that in my life... he said he wasn't always like that, just got worse over time, the longer he used. His life with her was nothing but drugs and drinking. He said that is the only thing they had in common.. and along comes me.. we are like night and day. I refuse to have any kind of life that he's had in the past. I don't fight, smoke, drink or do drugs. I drank alot over the past 2 years and knew, again, something wasn't good for me or my children. My kids never saw me have as much as a beer till 2 years ago. But I didn't like what my life was and how I acted. I don't understand his life the circle of so called friends. I don't understand how someone could take so much from me... my money, wrecked my car, the lies.. oh my god the lies!!! The things I found in his house that weren't meant for my eyes. He is so starved for love, it breaks my heart. He is a very sick man, and when I found out I was pregnant, I tried to help him... he hasn't used coke since mid May, I found out I was pregnant then. However, he has drank, always when I am away. He tries to blame me for that.. I told him kiss my butt.. I am not responsible for his sobriety. I moved in thinking it would make a difference but it really didn't.. he lost his motivation to work on himself. He thinks showing up at a therapists office 3 times in 4 months is being in therapy. Well last Thursday, playing detective as always, I checked the log on the computer and it was loaded with porn.. I vomited and cried... seems now we have to add that to the list of addictions. I left his house and came home... where I will stay... He calls me crying, says he will do anything... I told him I feel so violated.. so used.. so abused... how could he do this to me?! After everything I've done for him.... I am so heartbroken. Well last night he went to what he thought was his first AA meeting.. turned out it wasn't, what it was were a group of men who are in AA that get together to watch football at a local church. Tonight he will go to his first meeting.

He keeps saying how I've saved his life.. I told him he has about taken mine.

Can someone like this ever change? I do believe he wants to, but dear Lord, his wounds are so deep, and he's been a mess for so long. I spoke with a woman from na alon but there are no meetings for me in my county. Does al anon cover more than just drinking ? My therapist says he will never change. All I know is that I have a innocent baby inside of me, and I will no longer be abused by the father. He is a pathological liar

Sorry this is so long, I just can't stop crying...

Stubborn1

The chances of him changing are slim to none right now because he is saying he wants to quit because that is YOUR wish. He will tell you everything you want to hear. You could offer him the world and it would not matter.

You are crying for the "what if's". The dream of the family unit dying. You are grieving.

I also went through it. I had an 18 month old and twin newborns and had to face that fact.
Almost ten years later...........he is still drinking.

You will eventually reach a point where that baby means more to you then he does or his addiction and you will get away and out of harms way. I could not knowingly allow my children to be around an abusive situation. Anything around an addict has the potential to be harmful to a child.
I could save you loads of tears and heartache by saying don't enable him, take care of yourself and your baby and get away from him but you won't listen. You will have to learn it. The time frame is up to you.
We all think our addicts are special and ours will be the one statistic that will get better and do the right thing.
I don't know about you but me and my children are not going to live the only life we have living on what if's and hopes.
I just wish I would have made this move sooner and let him find his own way.
Congrats on the baby. Being a mother is soooooooo wonderful.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

Your therapist does not know whether your boyfriend will change or not. Only your boyfriend knows if or when he will seek help for himself.

Here is a link to Alanon meetings in your area. I hope this helps and that you seek help for yourself:

Sussex County Area Meeting Directory

cookconfay

Oh dear Michelle, I can so relate to you. My story is similar. However I am the recovering addict/alcoholic also...I have over 11 yrs clean & sober this time. My last ex husband was relapsing, using and drinking...lying all the time. I had my now 4 yr old when I was 42, I found out a week after he moved in with his girlfriend that I was pregnant. SO....there you have it. BUT, in answer to your question about can he ever change? Only if he wants to and is willing to work hard at it. It's not your problem, it's not your call...

I have been in & out of recovery for over 20 yrs. And the LAST time I went to treatment to get back into recovery was in 1997. Someone told me many years ago....as long as there is a breath of air in your body....there is still hope. I walked back into AA and this guy told me....Welcome to the land of the living....he was sooooooo right.

Prayers for you sweetie and congratulations!! You are the winner in this deal hon.

cookconfay

my post was in twice??? Don't know why....

nandm

Welcome to SR!
:ghug
I am sorry you are going through such a rough time right now.

lostbutterfly

Hi. I went through a similar thing, only the drug was different. Heroin and other opiates, and alcohol. I also gave him everything and it was never enough. We had a child together and he never changed. He got more and more violent and one night my teenage daughter phoned the police. We did try again after he started AA, but as soon as he was back, he stopped going. It was just more of his lies.

Now he's with someone else he is sucking dry of everything she has. She was a recovering alcoholic before she met him, now she's a practicing alcoholic with him. He's not good for anyone. He's hasn't paid child support for years.

I hope things are different with you, but it all sounds very familiar. He really destroyed my faith in human nature and I've spent the last three years nurturing a drug and alcohol addiction of my own. Please be careful, don't let him draw you into his world. My ex did, and it's a hard world to get out of.

((hugs)).

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, michelle. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict and her dad (my ex) was also an alcoholic, so i can understand some of the emotions you are feeling right now.

at the end of the day, it's only yourself and that baby that are responsible for. take good care of YOU. and reaching out here, to your therapist, and at alanon meetings if you can get to them.

hugs, k

kj3880

You know, some of us do recover. But we don't sit around and promise and talk about it. That doesn't help at all. We just get down to it and recover. I wouldn't hold out hope for anyone else, because you really have to want it. You can't want it for someone else. Kicking an addiction is hard work. And it can only be done by someone who is desperate to recover for their own self. I don't know why that is, but it surely is.
From what you describle, no, he isn't ready, hasn't got there yet. Many of us die before we ever recover. Are you willing to live that life with him? I hope not, really. Don't subject the baby to that life. It'll take you down quicker than you can pull him up.
Visit the Friends and Family Forum on here and ask this same question. You can save years of pain if you learn from their mistakes and get out of there now. Having done both, I'd say single motherhood is tough, but not as half as tough as life with an addict. That's awful. And being a single Mom is really wonderful, but being a codependant wife isn't fun at all. No, not at all. Sad life. Save yourself and your baby.
KJ

bostonluv

Congratulations - a baby boy! I'm so sorry you're in so much pain from this man. It's so easy to say, Get the hell away from him. I hope you will though.........

Welcome to our website of hope, recovery and support.

IO Storm

Right after being separated and entering a devastating and emotional

divorce..I hooked up with an alcoholic and became an alcoholic and

a pothead. It's been a rough 16 years....

I stayed with that guy for seven years...he finally cheated and left.

Thank God

I knew about some of it..but after he left..I found the bad stuff.

I don't even want to think about it now...

Michelle..

I became caught in the game with this man...they can be so smooth,

so needy, so warm, so ....sick.

I wasted seven years...you don't have to. Get out now!!!!

And your precious baby?

Cherish him always..and yourself.

Hugs

catlovermi

If you plug yourself into Al-Anon, they will envelop you and help you through this. Get a phone list and USE it to talk to a real human when you need some emotional support. There are MANY people in the Al-Anon program for support after trauma with other substance abusers than alcohol. Don't worry about whether you "qualify" for the Al-Anon program, you do!

Try Al-Anon out and keep trying until the shell shock wears off of the new-ness of Al-Anon culture. It felt funny for me and many Al-a-Pals I now know when we first came into Al-Anon, because the approach and culture was foreign to us. But it does work, and does help you to manage your life and pain.

You can just watch your first meetings; they don't make you talk or make you do or decide anything. They help you sort through your feelings and circumstances if you do, and share how their stories are similar to yours and how it worked out for them.

Go to different meetings and find people who have what you want in their lives and spirits and attitudes, and then talk to them about their stories.

You will be shocked and amazed how having a loving group of people who KNOW YOUR PAIN EXACTLY will help heal you. And what amazing friendships can be had from this "trauma" bonding experience. And what a great life you can go on to have, when you heal.

Hugs to you, take care of baby, and get yourself to a physically and emotionally safe place, and get some Al-a-Pals, too!

CLMI

Michelle41

Well the difference between me and any other woman in his past, or family member is that I have been in therapy for years. I grew up in a family that drank and took pills. I don't buy an ounce of his BS. When I ask if he can change, I'm wondering if the damage to his brain is beyond repair.. all that cocaine. Like I said, I am the mother of 4.. Justin is 21, Allyson 18, both in college full time, one for education the other pre business law and accounting... they have never given me a moment of problems. Owen is 12 1/2 and Jillian 11.. gifted athletes but all in all my kids are really good people with exceptional hearts. Not so much as a detention. I knew very early on, before I ever had kids, that I wanted to raise my children in a way which was totally different than my childhood, and for the most part, I was very successful. I allowed my children to be who they want to be, kiss and love them when they make mistakes and be very upfront and honest.. oh and to say I'm sorry when I screw up... I gave them presmission to question authority and say no if they don't agree with something. But I had a great ex husband to raise these kids with. I was a mess the past 2 years. I am considering giving this baby up for adoption just to keep him safe and away from his father. How sad is that? Rob calls me selfish.. that this baby will want to know his parents. My reply is "Are you glad you know your father? " I wish I was raised in another home... to know what it's like to be safe from abuse. He went to his first AA meeting and called me crying.. how sorry he is.. I turned off my phone.. I'm exhausted. I feel like I've given him all the tools.. and the rest is up to him. I can't play cop or detective anymore.. it's physically affecting me.. and now all the porn I found... because of my past abuse issues.. that screws me up more than anything. I do not know how I would ever trust anyone ever again... just my kids.. they are my glue... which isn't there job. but it is what it is. I think its been so interesting to read how many of you have found yourself dragged into the same situation... I got out before I found out I was pregnant because I was so scared of that life, and what I saw.. the situations he put me in.. I am still scared to death of his ex wife and her life... he doesnt understand my fear of her... if she is willing to have sex for drugs.. and she sees me as this huge threat with money, I could just see her showing up or having someone show up to his house.

Thank you again everyone... you are so kind to put effort into helping others..

Michelle

catlovermi

Hi Michelle,

It's ok for you not to own his problems in any way, shape, or form. They're his.

The fact that you grew up in a substance abusing and dysfunctional household, then as an adult find yourself morbidly drawn to such types and find it hard to disengage without guilt suggests that there is work to be done within yourself, still, either through therapy or Al-Anon type support.

What a fantastic job you've done so far; you deserve first rate treatment in life, not just to give to others who are black holes of need.

Keep coming back! We care!

CLMI

least

Michelle, I truly hope you can stay away from him and take good care of yourself and your baby. It's easier said than done, but you must do what's right and good for yourself and your baby. I pray you find your way and find some peace in your life.

:ghug3

Michelle41

It's Sat. night and you all are making me cry.... where the hell do you get your strength from? I am a very spiritual person but this is just too much for me. I'm basically going to be homeless. I refuse to jump from one man to another... see, yes, I did grow up in the insanity of abuse, but my father and mothers boyfriends always molested me, so while I can deal very well with many other issues, I can't deal with my body being violated. It f's with my head bit time... yet you would never know. If I didn't have my other children I would just vanish. He is such an idiot. This is making me sick.. all of it... and I'm sick as F'ing Sh*t of being told how I've saved his life.. what about mine!!! what about the 15k he stole from me, the 3k phone bill, broke the transmition in my car, the 3k for a car rental... all the money that was ment for my daughter for college... f'ing eh I am pissed...

Again, sorry for being so upset... but it will be a cold day in hell before he gets his hands on my kids. ... selfish mother f'r... any of you guys from NJ or southern NY area like orange county? i need a friend.. If i can figure it out ill try to post photos...

lostbutterfly

I wish I could give you some words of wisdom, but I've sent you a hug instead! I think getting angry might be a start to breaking the hold he has on you. Take care. LB xxx

orviske

Michelle,

I am in a similar boat---30 weeks pregnant with someone's baby that refuses to admit they have a problem. After the last disappearing act, he has cleaned up his act----but for how long, I wonder? I wonder if this is really it.....or if I'll just be disappointed all over again in a few months, once the baby is here.

I think you are making some good decisions in your situacion. The people here are very kind and wise, take heed to their advice. I know that you care for this man, but at what cost? And I don't mean financially.

Congratulations on your baby. Think about how many ways you have protected and nurtured your born children....and lavish that same love on your unborn. Get angry, get real angry. I think it is healthy. Also, try going to Al Anon---you might find quite a few people in your shoes that really understand the hurt and anguish you are going through.

I feel silly, because I need to take my own darn advice...

P.S. I am in a completely different state now, but I used to live in New York. I wish I knew someone as far south as you are that could help with your living situation, etc. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk further about your pregnancy or your situation. Misery loves company or so they say....it might help both of us to talk to someone else in a similar situation.

Hugs....and try to hang in there.

K

catlovermi

How're you doing, Michelle?

CLMI