I don't know if I did the right thing...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
I don't know if I did the right thing...
My son turns 20 next week.
He still lives at home.He is a good kid-he doesn't drink, use, smoke, drive crazily late at night or party wildly.I am pretty proud of him but that's not to say we haven't had problems.We have.He's been treated for depression for years and once attempted suicide at 13.I can't quite believe I'm posting this-but I'm nothing if honest I guess.I need to give this background because it counts in this scenario.
It took him a long time to reach out and make friends with people.He has in the past 2-3 years and I'm glad.He knows some great kids, finally, after being alone and confused and sad for so long.
Anyway-he wants to have a party for his 20th next week.He approached me about it tonight.I know he's responsible now-but we went back and forth about his friends.I told him I was ok with him having some friends over-but it went from 5 friends to 20 and I suddenly thought-no.I couldn't do that.
I know some of his friends drink (he doesn't-he hates the taste of alcohol-thank god.Hes tried it-and dope-and decided it's not for him) and that was ok but I would not have trashed people in my house.....but hey-theyre teenagers-you KNOW what happens at parties...
I made the suggestion that for his birthday I would give him a set amount of money to go out to a restaurant with his friends and celebrate.I said I would pay for food, not alcohol-that was up to them.I also said I'd prefer this because if they came to my house and partied and things went wrong-I'd end up the 'mom nazi' ruining all their fun and not only do I not want to be that but I just couldn't stand teenagers drinking in my house.It scares me.I've read too many stories about how these things get out of hand. I get he's turning 20 and can do what he wants(as such) I just don't need to have it in my face, if that makes sense.
I just want to know if I'm being unfair?Jonathan is such a good kid but I'll be honest and say I just don't trust some of his friends and this is my house and I'm an alcoholic.I'm not sure I'd handle it very well.
I'm trying to be fair here-but I feel really caught.
I'd appreciate any advice.I think I'm doing the right thing by offering as a birthday gift to pay for a meal out with friends?But I just can't support his friends coming here and potentially getting drunk.It just seems to be crossing a boundary.He's not pushing for it but I sense he feels a bit let down that he couldn't offer it to them.
I'm a bit torn I guess.I just hate parenting teenagers/adults.The boundaries seem so thin somehow....
Jules
He still lives at home.He is a good kid-he doesn't drink, use, smoke, drive crazily late at night or party wildly.I am pretty proud of him but that's not to say we haven't had problems.We have.He's been treated for depression for years and once attempted suicide at 13.I can't quite believe I'm posting this-but I'm nothing if honest I guess.I need to give this background because it counts in this scenario.
It took him a long time to reach out and make friends with people.He has in the past 2-3 years and I'm glad.He knows some great kids, finally, after being alone and confused and sad for so long.
Anyway-he wants to have a party for his 20th next week.He approached me about it tonight.I know he's responsible now-but we went back and forth about his friends.I told him I was ok with him having some friends over-but it went from 5 friends to 20 and I suddenly thought-no.I couldn't do that.
I know some of his friends drink (he doesn't-he hates the taste of alcohol-thank god.Hes tried it-and dope-and decided it's not for him) and that was ok but I would not have trashed people in my house.....but hey-theyre teenagers-you KNOW what happens at parties...
I made the suggestion that for his birthday I would give him a set amount of money to go out to a restaurant with his friends and celebrate.I said I would pay for food, not alcohol-that was up to them.I also said I'd prefer this because if they came to my house and partied and things went wrong-I'd end up the 'mom nazi' ruining all their fun and not only do I not want to be that but I just couldn't stand teenagers drinking in my house.It scares me.I've read too many stories about how these things get out of hand. I get he's turning 20 and can do what he wants(as such) I just don't need to have it in my face, if that makes sense.
I just want to know if I'm being unfair?Jonathan is such a good kid but I'll be honest and say I just don't trust some of his friends and this is my house and I'm an alcoholic.I'm not sure I'd handle it very well.
I'm trying to be fair here-but I feel really caught.
I'd appreciate any advice.I think I'm doing the right thing by offering as a birthday gift to pay for a meal out with friends?But I just can't support his friends coming here and potentially getting drunk.It just seems to be crossing a boundary.He's not pushing for it but I sense he feels a bit let down that he couldn't offer it to them.
I'm a bit torn I guess.I just hate parenting teenagers/adults.The boundaries seem so thin somehow....
Jules
Last edited by Jules62; 09-22-2008 at 01:18 AM.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: England
Posts: 1,981
My son is 18yrs old and I dont think I could have a party here either. In fact I wouldn't!
I don't think you are being unfair at all. Infact you are being very generous offering to pay for them all to have a meal. Thats in no way letting him down.
I'm sure if you explain to him how you feel he would understand.
This parenting lark is not all it's made out to be. From the moment they are concieved theres a unexplained guilt??
I don't think you are being unfair at all. Infact you are being very generous offering to pay for them all to have a meal. Thats in no way letting him down.
I'm sure if you explain to him how you feel he would understand.
This parenting lark is not all it's made out to be. From the moment they are concieved theres a unexplained guilt??
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
sounds like a brilliant idea to me, Jules.
It's not even an alkie thing - cos I know it wouldn't be an issue on the night - you'd be responsible, full stop.
But, I dunno what it's like in NZ but here - gatecrashers can cause things to go way out of control....even without uninvited guests - 20 teens?
I know he's a great kid - but can you vouch for his mates?
And no-one wants to be forever remembered as Mrs Hitler LOL
I've known you for a while now. You're a great mum.
You did the right thing
D
It's not even an alkie thing - cos I know it wouldn't be an issue on the night - you'd be responsible, full stop.
But, I dunno what it's like in NZ but here - gatecrashers can cause things to go way out of control....even without uninvited guests - 20 teens?
I know he's a great kid - but can you vouch for his mates?
And no-one wants to be forever remembered as Mrs Hitler LOL
I've known you for a while now. You're a great mum.
You did the right thing
D
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
I would not have trashed people in my house.
I also said I'd prefer this because if they came to my house and partied and things went wrong-I'd end up the 'mom nazi' ruining all their fun and not only do I not want to be that but I just couldn't stand teenagers drinking in my house.I get he's turning 20 and can do what he wants(as such) I just don't need to have it in my face
wrong..for you. And it seems would go against the principles you are now
living by.
I know how difficult it is to say no. I recently had to do that, and oh, it
hurt so much..although my son understood.
You are offering something better, and safer. Dinner. What they do there
is not your responsibility. However, what they do in your home ..is.
I believe you made the right decision.
Hugs
~miss nikky~
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: windsor gardens, south australia, australia
Posts: 1,984
you son will respect your decision mate not only that but also im sure be gratefull for your generous offer to pay for dinner at a resteraunt.
you did great!
not only will you be more comfortable with that i think you'll find so will he
a restraunt meal over a parent house party?????????
for my teen i know the difference would be not comparable.
naaaah dont worrry i think it will be graciously accepted an appreciated
you did great!
not only will you be more comfortable with that i think you'll find so will he
a restraunt meal over a parent house party?????????
for my teen i know the difference would be not comparable.
naaaah dont worrry i think it will be graciously accepted an appreciated
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Jules, that does sound like a good idea.
I don't know what the legal drinking age is in New Zealand, but in Canada it's 19. Therefore, if any of my kids friends would be under 19, I would be responsible to ensure they did NOT drink, and I wouldn't want that responsibility.
I bet your son will have a blast at a restaurant.
I don't know what the legal drinking age is in New Zealand, but in Canada it's 19. Therefore, if any of my kids friends would be under 19, I would be responsible to ensure they did NOT drink, and I wouldn't want that responsibility.
I bet your son will have a blast at a restaurant.
Last edited by Anna; 09-22-2008 at 04:26 PM.
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
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I think I'm doing the right thing by offering as a birthday gift to pay for a meal out with friends?But I just can't support his friends coming here and potentially getting drunk.It just seems to be crossing a boundary.He's not pushing for it but I sense he feels a bit let down that he couldn't offer it to them
How about this:
Do as you've planned... but maybe let some of his GOOD frineds come over to the house for a more intimate party? Just a thought.
Whatever you decide I'm behind you. You know your son and his friends best and to be quite honest... it's your house and YOUR sobriety that's at stake here right now. You have to take that into heavy consideration.
Much love to you
.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Jules, I think you're being more than fair. It's your home and you have the right to not have to play police-mom with his friends. I have a daughter I love and trust, but don't trust and love all her friends and would not let them in my house.
I think you're doing the right thing. Don't back down.
I think you're doing the right thing. Don't back down.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,733
Jules,
It seems reasonable and fair. It's good that you are working on boundaries and really thinking before you say, yes, sure I can handle that. Really well done on thinking this through and coming up with an alternative idea.
There are other alternatives also that I can think of and one would be having other parents help you chaparone the party. I had several party's in my teens that were chaporoned by several parents/adults. There was very little alcohol smuggled in and we all had a lot of fun without it mostly.
Also, if you sensed he was disappointed this would be a really good time to sit down and have a heart to heart. Make sure the compromise doesn't feel completely unfair to him. Let him know that you aren't punishing him. That you trust him. Say all the things you said above: what a wonderful kid he is, responsible and social, etc. Trust him enough to tell him of your own struggle. This may mean more to him than you know.
Just some thoughts............
It seems reasonable and fair. It's good that you are working on boundaries and really thinking before you say, yes, sure I can handle that. Really well done on thinking this through and coming up with an alternative idea.
There are other alternatives also that I can think of and one would be having other parents help you chaparone the party. I had several party's in my teens that were chaporoned by several parents/adults. There was very little alcohol smuggled in and we all had a lot of fun without it mostly.
Also, if you sensed he was disappointed this would be a really good time to sit down and have a heart to heart. Make sure the compromise doesn't feel completely unfair to him. Let him know that you aren't punishing him. That you trust him. Say all the things you said above: what a wonderful kid he is, responsible and social, etc. Trust him enough to tell him of your own struggle. This may mean more to him than you know.
Just some thoughts............
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Do as you've planned... but maybe let some of his GOOD frineds come over to the house for a more intimate party? Just a thought.
Great idea from GT.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Wow-thank you all for your wonderful responses here.I was so unsure of myself last night when I posted this and it really helps to have my thoughts and feelings on this endorsed.I really am not okay with him having a party here and I'm going to talk with him more about it today.I really appreciate your feedback and ideas here.Thank you so much. (Gyps-that's an excellent suggestion and I'll mention it to him as well!)
Anna, the drinking age here used to be 20 but a few years ago they lowered it to 18Regardless though, I am just not comfortable with teenagers drinking in my home.Phew-I'm glad I got this out!
Love and thanks to you all,
Julesxox
Anna, the drinking age here used to be 20 but a few years ago they lowered it to 18Regardless though, I am just not comfortable with teenagers drinking in my home.Phew-I'm glad I got this out!
Love and thanks to you all,
Julesxox
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Originally Posted by Jules62 
Jonathan is such a good kid but I'll be honest and say I just don't trust some of his friends and this is my house and I'm an alcoholic.I'm not sure I'd handle it very well.
There you go.
Your son understands, right? Try to take it easy. :ghug
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 632
Just read the maximum occupancy sign at the door.
Have you considered buying them a great time at an ice rink or roller skate rink? Go cart track? No one is too old for go carts. Something along those lines.
A 20 people party in my house? No way. I wouldn’t allow a 20 people prayer meeting in my house. May god forgive me.
You Don't seem the mom-nazi type. He will understand
Ed
Have you considered buying them a great time at an ice rink or roller skate rink? Go cart track? No one is too old for go carts. Something along those lines.
A 20 people party in my house? No way. I wouldn’t allow a 20 people prayer meeting in my house. May god forgive me.
You Don't seem the mom-nazi type. He will understand
Ed
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