LuvsHIM

I visited my boyfriend in rehab with my children yesterday. He said that he is leaving there tomorrow because he needs his family there behind him and wants to do outpatient treatments. Has anyone ever did this before and does it work?!?

Anna

I have no experience with that, but I think any kind of program can work for you, if you want it to work.

IO Storm

Dear Luvs..

I see by your ?!? punctuation you truly are disturbed by his choice and

are not sure how to support him...

My opinion? Inpatient as long as possible.

This was my personal experience..my insurance ran out after two weeks,

and I had to leave. I wanted to stay..

My BF (at the time) left early and went to a store to buy booze.

Everyone is different.

Is outpatient ready and available immediately upon release?

Is your BF leaving against medical advice?

Arm yourself with the facts..and you will be better able to offer

support and/or tough love in this situation.

Good luck!

Hugs

BaldHeadedJohn

IO summed it up the best. If he is committed, he will do what he to do.
Everyone IS different. As long as he is not leaving against medical medice to the contrary, and he keeps with outpatient appointments, and remains committed to sobriety (I know, there are an awful lot of 'ands' there), perhaps being at home with his loved ones is just what he needs.
All my blessings to he and you.
Please let us know how things are going. Also, have you checked the Familly and Friends forums?

All my best.
BHJ

LuvsHIM

I havent checked the family and friends forum yet. I spoke with him yesterday he is absolutly miserable where he is and its not because he is off the drugs...He misses my children which basically are his just not biologically...He wants to come out to be with us...I had nothing to do with this choice and I really am not disturbed by it because if he thinks he can handle this and truely wants to do this then he will do...he said he has never felt feelings like he has since he is clean and just wants those feelings to keep going. I know things are probably against him but I think it is best for him to do what he truely wants to do. There are no medical issues there...the place he is in really doesnt have a medical team or anything he will be going against what the other people there are trying to teach him...I dont know he could turn around tomorrow and change his mind...which would be heartbreaking to me but if thats what he needs to do thats fine ill just be sad for a while...I have found a list of treatment facilities around our area and he is going to start calling them as soon as he gets here. So idk i guess if his mind is right and he is set for this change than all will be good...Thanks for ur advice! Im going to try to get him on this site also to talk to people who he can relate to...

Jersey Nonny

Hello, again, Luvs! I first responded to you a day or so after you had dropped him off. It troubles me to see he didn't even make it past the 21-day blackout period we discussed. Has it been two weeks? He's not taking advantage of the benefits of a long-term, in-patient program.

But, who am I to say? (My crystal ball is a bit fogged up.) My son-in-law heroin addict did rehab and outpatient, and seemed to do better with the latter. He now has several years clean in NA. My daughter also has 12 years clean and sober through NA.

My son, on the other hand, has done multiple rehabs...the last time was long-term through the VA. He was clean and sober for a year and a half, very active in NA, and still he relapsed...now, he's back in detox and rehab...but, only for a couple of weeks, after which they're insisting he do out-patient (or he'll lose his job, which is VA sponsored).

It all boils down to whether or not the addict/alcoholic has hit their ultimate bottom, and how committed they are to recovery. As Anna said,

Quote:

I think any kind of program can work for you, if you want it to work.

I don't know why I didn't notice before that you are also in New Jersey. If you want to IM me, I'll be glad to check with my daughter and son-in-law about the NA and Nar-Anon meetings in your area.

All About Love

hi loves him
you know many years ago i went into a rehab here in australia an i left after 2weeks cos i wanted to be with my children too.
it was the biggest mistake i ever made hun
i di not have the tools to keep my sobriety going
i did not have enough time away from people whom were a negative influence on me
there like fly to poo baby
an they do not give up easily
i believe you are in for a challenge if he has not hit his true bottom
outpatient programmes take mega guts to be successfull
theres a certain level of safety in inhouse rehabs an the learning tools you get are truly a life saver
has he reached his bottom?
ask yourself "is he any good to my children if his ways have not changed?"
"can i live with more of the same over again?" if he relapses
he is already in a safe zone, he has alreday done the hard yards to get there,
y go thru all the stress of thaat again? (relapse is of HUGE risk in that process in itself )
i certasinly cannot preach in a big way as in 2days time im going in to rehab again (wedsnday)
after years of using again after the first rehab stint
i am taking my little one with me
if i had stayed then when i had the opportunity
maybe i wouldnt be going thru this now
an addicts mind can create all sorts of justifications to say why we do this or that
an jerz is soooooooo right it is really dependant upon weather or not hes at bottom
weather or not he has accepted he can not use no matter what
relationships can be the death of or the life of a recovering addict
as you know all sorts of problems come with relationships an in an addicts mind those problems can be magnified to an extreme level causing even more isues for m
i know for me right now if i was in a relationship i would not want to saty either
i would lie an make up all sortd of excuses to get out to be with my loved ones an in the back of my addict head i'd be planning how to get on again asap!
we as addicts/alcoholics (its all da same hun)
are not honest people by the nature of this disease
tho we are great manipulators of the truth an we are wonderous story tellers too!
can you 100% truly believe you are not being blind sided here by him?
by your love for him?
would'nt it be good for you to perhaps attend some nar-anon al-anon meetings to get some advice an understanding for you?
its a very complex thing to support a addict in becoming clean luvley
are you up to it?
i hope that ive been helpfull an not confusing to you
im a little off myself today but you know what?

I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO STAY CLEAN AN TO STAY IN REHAB FOR MY FAMILY
COS I KNOW THAT WITHOUT IT I WILL HAVE NO FAMILY TO SPEAK OFF SWEET
i hope you will let me know how things turn out an give the na-anon al-anon hotline a call it cant hurt to have too much imfo truly
i wish you both the best an
be sure an take care of you an yr kids
they are the most priceless gift in life you'll ever have
always put them first before any man no matter how much you love him
nuturing within you those kids lives for nearly a year when you were pregnant creates a bond of love that you cannot compare to anything
peace love an hope to you
my love an prayers are with you
xx
nik












hi

mle-sober

I did outpatient because that's what was available to me. I'm 7 months sober and feeling strong.

But - I don't know. I think if inpatient had been available, I'd have done it for sure. I've been inpatient for Bipolar multiple times and know how hard it can be. It can be very lonely. But I think with getting clean and sober, lonely isn't necessarily a bad thing. You BF saying he needs his family there behind him makes me uneasy. For me, getting sober was a very solitary and difficult thing. I had some things to learn. And being distracted by my family didn't really help. It just kept me distracted.

But a lot of people have said that it's different for each of us. And I agree with that. I don't think you can predict what will work and when for another person.

But my gut reaction is that your BF probably needs to stick it out if for no other reason that he is having such a hard time sticking it out. Looking deeply at that and understanding that better and getting a better handle at being sober alone might make him stronger in the long run.

Good luck to you both and to your children. It's a difficult journey. But there are many who've made it before you. And you can too.

IO Storm

Nik..

Your letter said it all.

Great advice, LuvsHIM.

Put yourself and your kids first. He is fine where he is right now.

He may be uncomfortable, but it is not dangerous.

LuvsHIM

He came out today for an hour his mom got word of it and made him go back and it sucks so bad because i truely believe we coulda done this through outpatient...He has definatly hit rock bottom...and its so hard he is back there and its his 11th day...Im so lost and I dont have the guts to call a hotline my anxiety gets to me...Thank you all for your support...I cant wait to see him or to talk to him and 15 years of friendship and the 5 years of the relationship we have will get me through this but 6 months is a long time and im not trying to talk him out of it at all im trying to justify my thoughts in my head...The weekends are the worst time for me...this is all too much for me to bear and I feel like this is a neverending saga...Im so mad right now because if i never saw him id be ok...but I did...its a bad dream...Im sorry if Im rambling...I hate myself because I feel like him coming home is my fault...my sons birthday is wednesday and he wont be here...its so hard...I just want to sleep for 6 months but I know thats not possible and my kids deserve a mother that is ok...so i am going to put on my smile and fake it for as long as it takes...I just dont know if I can get this anger out of my head...

DSodaNow

Luvs- In order for him to get and stay sober he needs to put his sobriety first. (Even before you and the kids.) I think it is probably best that he stays inpatient. But he needs to want it and work it.

Now for you... you have a lot on your plate and you need to take care of yourself. I am glad that you have reached out to us, but if there are others around you that will help reach out to them too!

LuvsHIM

Unfortunatly there is no one around that knows how I feel or can understand to what extent I am hurting...Im so angry at everyone and everything...

Stubborn1

I'm only going from my own experiences. My ah did everything. He also wanted to come home from rehabs only to fail. It was his excuse so he couldn't be controlled. He sobered up and decided "oh I can handle a beer or two".......eventually it didn't work.
I look at it like this.......his children were not important enough to quit the first time, what has changed now? Nothing. He doesn't have the tools to come out in the real world yet.
I wish you the best. No expectations.

All About Love

mum knows best i think

DSodaNow

Have you looked into Alanon meetings? There is some information about them on this site and you may want to check out the Family and Friends forum too. I know that for some people they are very helpful.