SoosieQ

(mean people suck)
OK all, I am stepping outside the box tonight and asking for some support. I have not been on SR much lately and it feels entirely selfish to come here and blast you all with an emotional rant. Yet I know, for the first time in my 60+ days sober, that if I don't write I am going to drink...tonight...now.

I am not exactly a party girl, says Soos with a wry, dry...ok, full on sardonic smile. I don't take to drinking to have fun, I do it to get out of my head. I know that we are all going to have triggers along the way (that's what life is about, ya? challenges and growth...?), but some days I just can't make sense of things enough to keep my head on straight...such as why sh!tty patterns keep repeating themselves over and over and over. It's like I've got a big cosmological "Kick Me" sign on my back-lol! I keep walking into the same situations with good intentions...and you know what they say about intentions.

Sorry, this isn't really a pity party. This is just little me trying to make a decent, humble go of life. There is so much pain and struggle in this world. I just don't get why the little people have to go around kicking down the other little people. OK-I know history. This is about war and peace and human nature---blah, blah. But I really can't believe we'd continually choose to stay mean and low.

I'm frustrated, hurt, and even humiliated by my current employment and living situations. I'm tired of trying to "do it right", be diplomatic. Hell, I'm simply tired of "trying to". I would love to stop the self-destructive behavior and move into something more "pono" (Hawaiian word-means "upright", honest, integral). That's certainly what I am after, how I walk into the world, how I set my mind and heart each day. I'm not asking for much: a few good friends, food on the table, a table to eat said food on...and I keep practicing the gratitude, shifting my perspective.

I am fortunate and I know it. But I still don't know how to deal with the mean people without hanging head and biting tongue (I really don't need to burn any more bridges) or saying something I know I will regret later. Sort of a no-win, no-win.

Do I sound like I'm about 5 years old? That's kind of how I feel--Dear Universe, why are people mean?
P.S. Whatever it is I did in a past life/ parallel universe (or however this whole thing works), please know I'M SORRY! Now can we please move on?
P.P.S. If you have a "lost and found" could you please see if my sense of humor is there?

Thanks all for listening tonight. I know this probably sounds insane-lol.
Peace....

Dee74

hey soos

no it doesn't sound insane. Sometimes I just sit baffled at what I have to take and how much it seems is more to come

times like that I have to remember the universe will sometimes make me feel very insignificant...I try to think of the good things in my life, try to do good always and hope that like really does attract like - even if it doesn't, I can rest easy that I'm not one of the meanies.

That means a lot to me, and I think it means a fair bit to you too.

I know it's not much, but it's all I've got at the moment

Things do get better.
D

Jules62

Hey Soos,

If there's one thing I've learned these days it's that life just isn't fair.Mean people seem to do really well, good people suffer and die and none of it makes any sense.It just doesn't.



I don't have any answers about the way all this goes.I keep trusting that karma is real and maybe one day, if I'm lucky enough?I'll get to witness someone else getting theirs-LOL

But I won't hold my breath.

Two weeks ago I felt like you do now.I couldn't see any out, reason to stay sober.The world sucks, I don't fit in and maybe I never will.But I do fit in with some people.Drinking to numb that feeling of not belonging doesn't help me-it just sends me straight back to hell and even more isolation.

You don't need to drink over this=-but I understand wanting to.I'm so sorry you're struggling but I'm really glad you posted too.We can't change the world or make it fit to what we want it to be.But we have to find a way to deal with it-even the sucky parts/people.

I'm thinking of you,

Julesxox

colagirl

Oh Soos, I can totally relate. Sometimes I feel like I'm on some sort of twisted amusement park ride where I'm overly nice to people, then they're jerks to me, so then I get mad and I'm a jerk back, then I regret it, then I try to be nice again, then I get hurt again, blah blah blah. Sometimes I can't even figure out how I really feel about somebody - like, do I not like you because you're mean, or do I like you but you have some flaws? Why is it all so confusing?

Sorry I kind of rambled on there... I don't even know if that's at all related to what you're going through... but in any case I'm really glad to hear from you again!

Oh yeah, and don't drink over it!! I've been down that path several times this summer and it's just ridiculous. </mom>

SoosieQ

Thank you Dee. I usually don't post when I'm feeling like this, because it seems so...well, pathetic. But I just couldn't sit in all of this emotion alone tonight. I appreciate what you have said, and it makes me think about what is really important. What makes life worth living? It really boils down to simple things. It doesn't take much to step outside of your box and do something kind for someone else, even if it just acknowledging their existence. I know I am being thin-skinned and sensitive, and worse yet that I am suffering from wounded pride/ dignity-lol. But sometimes I feel like I am too small to stand strong in the face of intentional cruelty. Just knowing there are other kind and caring souls out there makes all the difference....

SoosieQ

Thanks cola and jules. I was writing when you posted and it is great to hear from you both. Cola, you are exactly describing my work environment. Part of why I am writing is because I am sick of spinning in that little mental cycle-lol. I;m so grateful you guys are here!

Dee74

it really does. Some days all the difference in the world
:ghug3

D

SoosieQ

P.S.-I walked down to the store tonight with money in hand. I figured I could have a bottle of wine and no one would know/ care when I show up for work in the morning hungover. After much debate, I bought a chocolate bar instead. Came home, mentally ranting all the way. Ate the whole chocolate bar. Now I have a big belly ache-lol.

SoosieQ

In my saner moments, I absolutely agree. But what scares me, and what I've come to recognize about my own drinking patterns is this-choosing to drink is choosing my own hell and isolation. Sometimes that seems better than being earnest and hopeful (and sober) and still feeling hellish and isolated. This is sick and twisted thinking and I know it....

It took a long time to stare down the wine tonight. I am fully willing to face up to everyday challenges, but the repetitive themes are driving me crazy. Is this what I've worked so hard for? Where do I find resolution? How do I break the cycles? Urgh! (Confused!)

Jules62

I believe it's about patience-something we suck at-LOL

We want to be healed NOW. We want the rewards NOW.Nothing in life is that 'instant'.Nothing real anyway.But drinking was a false sense of 'I can be happy right now!' and we were-for 4 or 5 glasses.You know the rest of the story.....

It's hard to keep hoping.Some days I still climb the walls wondering why I bother.But I look back at what I was in and where would it lead really?Do you really want o go back and find out?

The high is an illusion.We want it still.When people say they're wanting a miracle I just cringe because it reminds me so much of false hope that I had when drinking.There is no miracle.There's just a better life we can eventually have when we learn to grow up and deal.Not everything in the world is horrible or difficult.There are moments of peace or joy-like sitting with your cat and hearing her purr.....seeing a sunset....simple, tiny things that in the end all add up because we're here and trying to do our best.

Life isn't a movie.There are rare happy endings....but we have some beautiful moments throughout and I want to be awake to cherish them.I think you do too....

Julesxox

IO Storm

Soose..

Keep it simple.

As much as lieth within you..as best you can..steer clear of negative folks.

or, stay away from the meanies! Right now, you don't need to be around

them..and they don't want to be helped anyway, is my guess.

Side step emotional booby traps..and you won't have so much of a struggle

staring down a wine bottle.

And..it is impossible for you to fail unless you give up.

When we say this is a "selfish" program...this is what it means.

Hugs!

Jersey Nonny

I hate to tell you, Soosie, but no matter where you are, how young or how old you are, it's virtually impossible to avoid the "meanies" of the world...just the nature of the beast. It starts with the bully on the playground; and, believe me, we have our share in this nursing home. As soon as I identify them, I give them a wide berth!

I try to avoid confrontation (the Libra in me); but, when push comes to shove, I'm not above putting someone in their place. I know it's difficult in the workplace (if that's what you're talking about)...and, I never did like the taste of crow.

I have a bumper sticker on the back of my wheelchair:

Live and Let Live

I try to...I just wish everyone else would, too. Unfortunately, life just isn't that simple. As far as drinking over any of the "meanies"...the thought never occurs to me (and, it shouldn't to you either)...I wouldn't give them the benefit of having that much power over me!

Dee74

hows things today Soos?

D

cmc

Me either.

Soos..I don't find myself the target of meanness very often- although very recently I have experienced this and that is what drew me to your thread.

I have to have a plan that works for me because I'm one who will hold a resentment- especially about outright thoughtless mean behavior. I realize that this person is very sick and I pray for them. I may pray for them to stay away from me as well.

lizw

I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and a few months ago I took inventory with my sponsor as I had begun to identify more 'patterns in my life' that I want to be free of. Being willing to have these 'patterns' removed, I assume, will be a life long process. I base this on the fact I am 10 years clean and sober, and most years I've taken inventory about different areas of my life. I.e. money, relationships, work etc...

But one thing that is clear year after year is that some people I met or become involved with are just as sick, if not sicker than me and their 'meaniness' is their outward symptom, just like one of mine is drinking.

This doesn't serve as an excuse for me to allow someone to abuse me though. These days if I meet a meany, I give them a wide berth and keep myself safe, and I try and remind myself it isn't about me so it's not worth reacting too.

The other mantra I have is, nothing is so bad that a drink won't make it worse. The biggest test I have had so far on this is when 2 years ago I was diagnosed with MS and ended a relationship in the same week! This has been one of the only times when I have seriously considered drinking - xmas of 2006. And in my mind, while drinking would have made it worse, I just didn't care.

Take it easy and I hope your having a better day today.

SoosieQ

A heartfelt thank you to all who took the time to be with me in a challenging time. This has been a very interesting week. I know it seems childish to expect better of others; initially I intended this thread to be more a reminder to all of us to stay humble and "real" in the world, and to meet one another with compassion and kindness. I just didn't realize how upset I was until I started writing....

I would love to say more tonight, and reply directly to many of your posts, but I am exhausted beyond words. SR saved my butt last night. It is so great to know you are all out there.

IO Storm

I just read cmc's post...

I agree..pray for them..and pray they stay away..I would add...

avoid them like the plague!

Hugs, Soose