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Finally made 90 days. I cant tell you the last time I have been clean this long. I really never have been more than a month or 2. I was excited earlier. But now I am just a little sad for some reason. I am having a little social anxiety too. I make friends pretty easy. And I have alot of people at work that I consider work friends. But I was asked to go to a Halloween party by someone at work. Where alot of people from work will be. And my whole mood changed. I dont know what it is about being outside of work. This happened before with this kid I worked with for 2 yrs. Me and him were best friends at work. We were really tight at work. But when we hung out outside of work. It was like we didnt know what to do or say alot of times. It was just different. I dont know why. I hope it isnt like this all the time. Anyway. 90 days for the first time since I was a teenager I am sure. I couldnt have done it without the support of my family and all of you here. I thought I was forever going to be plaued by crack. I seriously saw no way out for a very long time. And honestly..Now..It seems like it is so distant. I often thought that me not having a car had everything to do with me not using. But that is not entirely true. I had a car a few times here in the past few months. And at the same time as payday. And I didnt even feel the urge to go. I have had thoughts. But they are gone as fast as they come. What seemed so normal before seems so out of the ordinary now. I truely believe I finally hit that point of being so sick and tired of it. That it is just over. No miracles..no complex procedures. Just done. Thanks all of you for always being there. Especially when I wasnt so pleasant to have around. Alot of you never gave up on me. I am so grateful for all of you. |
Hi Chiynita Well Done!!!! 90 days is a real achievement one day at a time. Sounds like you are really determined to do this and of course, you CAN do this!!! :ghug2 |
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Trish, I am SO proud of you! I'm sitting here grinning from ear to ear! You have done so well.I am just so grateful you're here with us and keeping going.You have such a big heart.It always impresses me. http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y47...tulations5.jpg :hug: Julesxox |
http://i30.tinypic.com/v7cxtk.jpg way to go Trish :) http://i11.tinypic.com/5ylz2ua.jpg months is awesome LOL D |
[QUOTE=chiynita;1914972] Anyway. 90 days for the first time since I was a teenager I am sure. I couldnt have done it without the support of my family and all of you here. I thought I was forever going to be plaued by crack. I seriously saw no way out for a very long time. And honestly..Now..It seems like it is so distant. I often thought that me not having a car had everything to do with me not using. But that is not entirely true. I had a car a few times here in the past few months. And at the same time as payday. And I didnt even feel the urge to go. I have had thoughts. But they are gone as fast as they come. What seemed so normal before seems so out of the ordinary now. I truely believe I finally hit that point of being so sick and tired of it. That it is just over. No miracles..no complex procedures. Just done. QUOTE] These are beautiful words. Thank you for sharing how you have left your past where it belongs - behind you - while acknowledging the deep sadness all of us addicts feel when we realize what made us use in the first place. That awkwardness and/or boredom; that feeling of not belonging because we were better and/or worse than others; that hatred and/or fear of others; that feeling of "Is that all there is?" I can completely relate to that strange feeling of sadness. It comes out of the blue for me - it's typically related to feeling sad over missing "normal" experiences: getting married; being a normal kid; being a normal woman; having normal friends; being loved like normal people are. I understand that ... but, don't let me put words in your mouth if I am totally off-base about what you're talking about. Keep up the good fight. Love, Sugarscar(s) |
way to go Trish, it looks really good on you :) |
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HAPPY 90 DAYS TRISH!!!! :bbd: I've always known you could do this! You are a strong, beautiful woman with a soul to match! I'm glad you finally believe in yourself too! Don't worry too much about that anxiety! From my own experience, I know that around that 3 month mark it's pretty normal to have anxiety creep into you! It's part of learning to live again Trish! Learning to feel. Learning to trust. Learning to love again--not only those around you but yourself as well! You've done a great job and I'm proud to call you my friend! :ValA006: Thanks for all you've done for me--It will never be forgotten! :flower5: Love you, butters |
http://i273.photobucket.com/albums/j...ueen725/tr.png WELCOME TO RECOVERY & CONGRATULATIONS ON 90 DAYS! I'm sure you're wondering why I wrote Welcome to Recovery and why I didn't put some cutsey Congratulations Picture. When we're using, we don't experience normal feelings. Our feelings are mostly anger, guilt, shame, self loathing . . . but after we are clean for awhile and get into the actual Recovery stage, all of the normal feelings we are meant to feel suddenly appear. And since you and I both started using at a pretty young age and used for many, many years, those feelings have been stuffed down inside and numbed for a very long time. One minute you're up, one minute your down, the next minute you can feel like you're swinging sideways. The Social Anxiety is completely normal. When we're at work, even when we were using, we knew we had to put on the "work face." While we are there, our main focus is work, we talk about work, we do our job and then when there's time, we throw in a little socializing. And also, us addicts have had to learn to basically be actors/actresses in order to survive. We adapted to the situation around us. When we're with family, we're one person, at work we're another and then when we're out getting high and running the streets with other addicts, we're someone completely different. It's kind of like survival of the fittest. We adapt to fit into the situation we are in at the time so we please those around us in order to feel accepted. So when we get into Recovery, we're finding out who we really are and it can be pretty uncomfortable because we just don't know who this person is that has been medicating their feelings for so many years. I still remember the last few threads you started before you got clean. You had such guilt, shame, anger, self loathing . . . all of those feelings just waiting for us at our bottoms. I'm glad you felt them. . . .if you didn't you'd still be using. You mentioned that you were excited earlier and now kinda sad fo some reason. I do the exact same thing when I come to another milestone in my Recovery. I like to compare it to when we're waiting for Christmas to get here. We look forward to it with such anticiation and joy, all of the build up and then after it gets here, we're let down. . . even if we got every gift we had on our wish list, all of the family who we wanted to celebrate with came home and Christmas Dinner was perfection. If the Halloween Party is going to be a "safe one" I hope you do go. Put together some crazy get up for a costume and just go be a kid again! Nothing says you have to stay the entire time. And I have to add that I too, am very proud of you. I have been Blessed to watch you go from a lost soul to someone who is now living for the first time in many, many years. God Bless You My Dear Sweet Chiy, Judy |
I just finished my 3rd day....this time...I had 1 1/2 years before I went back out. That's been about 6 months now. I feel awful...I felt so great before this binge. thanks to finding this website I am trying to get the courage to get back to AA but I feel so dumb. Anyway.....thanks! |
Chiy!!!! I am so proud of you. So very, very, proud. :Val004: http://i438.photobucket.com/albums/q...lations_03.gif |
Congratulations :bbd: |
What a great way to start my day! This just warms my heart and puts a huge smile on my face. I am VERY proud of you!! I read all of your posts and your journey has truly encouraged me and gave me hope. It has been amazing watching you grow! :) Congratulations! |
That is awesome Trish! It is wonderful to see someone struggle for so long and then do so well. :hug: http://i37.tinypic.com/3347o85.jpg |
(((Trish))) Way to go!!!! I am so darn proud of you!! Don't worry about the sadness. I've heard that our feelings go pretty crazy around our "milestones"...3 months, 6 months, etc. I found that was true for me. Heck, I just passed 18 months, and was feeling good about it on the one hand, but wondering why I'm not farther along on the other hand. Hugs and prayers! Amy |
Congratulations Chiy!!! And thank you for sharing your light with all of us. http://img232.imageshack.us/img232/1...gforyoudz1.gif |
Congrats Chiy, you are a great example of someone who keeps fighting back- best wishes to you.:bday8 |
trish I truely believe I finally hit that point of being so sick and tired of it. That it is just over. No miracles..no complex procedures. Just done. YouTube - Its Wayne's World!Wayne's World!Party Time!Excellent! |
Trish, Congratulations on your 90 days!!! My daughter who is 22 and has 4 months clean has told me that she feels the same way. She works, goes to meetings and just hangs around at home. All of the young people around here party and she can't do that anymore. She feels sad and lonely and told me that she wishes that she could just do things like normal kids do. But she can't. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other and things will get even better. Hugs, Marle |
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