dancinggirl

cmhcali: I'm BEYOND stupid...tonight I'm having one of my exes come over because I feel ugly and rejected from this weekend. I'm making some really bad choices right now...conciously....and I just don't seem to care.

least

cmhcali and dancinggirl; sorry you two are having a hard time with your personal affairs. It's hard enough staying sober and sane in the world today without all the interference in your personal life. for both of you.

I went to the doctor today. My blood pressure was dangerously low and they said I'm badly dehydrated, so am drinking gatorade - lots of it - and taking it easy.

Have had a few cravings the last few days, just cause I felt so crummy. Didn't give in tho cause I know it would be bad for me and just make me feel worse.

Hugs to all:ghug

joinedintime

Since my blood pressure is a little high, how about if I sell you some cheap off the top?

bostonluv

I'm glad in good company here with the stupid man choices!!

Time2Surrender

Good morning gang.

least

Good morning to you all on my 72nd day sober!

dancinggirl

I don't want to post a thread because there's someone on this site that I don't want knowing this....I don't think I could handle his comments right now.

I am making horrible choices. I slept with my ex. Got drunk. I have woken up with bruises on my chin, wrist, arm, my ankle is re-sprained, my nose ring got pulled almost out and bled. I remember everything...no black-out unfortunately. I wasn't "that" drunk...he just got rough. I let myself be used as someone else's rough fantasy. Disgusted with myself. I'm sorry if this is too graphic.

Time2Surrender

You are doing so good. Keep up the good work.

bostonluv

Whoa!!! DG: I'm going to PM you.

cmhcali

Me too DG.. I have done my some dumb things myself... We are all human and make mistakes. I am the queen of them... But I am learning why I make these mistakes and trying to fix them and I do realize this could take years!!! I am ok with that today!!

joinedintime

DG, the fact that you're open to us means you're open to help. Don't know what to say now other than that, and I'm away from the computer for the rest of the day. Stay with the forum, hang in there.

dancinggirl

How do you stop when you don't understand why you're doing bad things? How do you stop when you are a bad person? When you choose to f-up repeatedly? When you treat your own body like a dumping ground and allow...no, ENCOURAGE....others to use you as a plaything as well? How do you stop when you just don't give a sh!t anymore? And how can I even explain any of this when I don't understand it? Who goes looking to be hurt???

gypsytears

You're not a bad person. You're just making some very bad choices and decisions right now. Stopping drinking will stop some of that for sure. Maybe counseling might help you understand why. And posting here helps too. So many people have been where you are, or at least have some advice. Don't give up on yourself dancinggirl. You are not a bad person . I suggest not calling the ex's to begin with.

Dee74

I'm with Gypsy Dancinggirl
You're not a bad person - at all.

I'm not a psychologist - but it's not unusual for ppl who've indulged in one self destructive activity - like drinking - to start dabbling in others too.

If there's one thing alkies and addicts can be good at, it's making bad choices and having lousy self esteem.

I think counselling is definitely a good idea.

hugs out - I'm sorry DG.

D

Jules62

DG I can only endorse what Gyps and Dee said here-you are NOT a bad person.Self hatred can manifest in so many ways and allowing yourself to be hurt/used is one of them.I think counselling would be a really good idea too.

least

Oh Dancinggirl, I wish we were neighbors so I could have you over to the house and we could talk and laugh and cry and understand each other. You are NOT a bad person, you're a person in pain and the self destructive behavior is very common to us who have a low self esteem. I've got a lot of sober time but I still have 'issues' with my self loathing. Not drinking hasn't made me like myself more, just left me with all these feelings I'm not familiar with and don't want to think seriously about.

PLEASE don't beat yourself up! I love ya Dancinggirl! I just want you to find some middle ground between hating yourself and liking yourself. I hope this is making some sense. I care about you and don't want to see you feeling so low.

I love ya lots and want to send you lots of hugs!

:ghug3 :ghug3 :ghug3

Now please get some rest. Tomorrow is a new day. Start over tomorrow and forget the last few days. We can't relive or redo the past, we can only learn from it. I love ya girlfriend!!

cmhcali

DG - You stop when you are ready and really want to stop... Noone can understand that but you. I found my sponsor has helped me a lot. She has helped me understand my thinking better than I could have on my own. My ability to cause such misery in any situation...

I found you have to face your humility and you cannot hide from it. We are as sick as our secrets. You have been so honest and that is a step. I cannot say I would have been as honest as you and that deserves a lot of credit.. Learn to face your deepest fears. Mine are being alone and ofcourse people, places and things. I LIVE IN FEAR..

But I am learning and I am not preaching by the Steps are helping me... Just writing has calmed me tremendously. I do not need to live with my past. I can learn to let it go... I will always be here for you... Just remember that if you want it sobriety must come first before everything and anything and do not feel guilty for that. I have learned to say no and sometimes it is so lonely.... All my best friends drink... Remember we are all alcoholics and addicts... We are here for the same reason... We have a problem... I think about drinking all the time and it can only be god that has helped me... I ask him to help me when I cannot help myself... Love you and you are in my thoughts and prayers

rurdy2rk

DG - I'm a guy, so please bear with me, however you do NOT deserve to be treated like that. You are obviously a good person (based on all your previous posts) who has a drinking problem. For what it is worth, I want to make the following suggestions:
Go get conselling and / or go to AA (if that's for you). I would suggest a women's group.
Stay away from guys for awhile (I know, probably easier said than done)
Start taking care of yourself - Look at your body as a "temple". Eat good, and work out or something. Remember how releived you where when your liver results came back OK?
Love yourself - You are a good person!
I'll be praying for you!!
Tom

bostonluv

Oh Dancing Girl....you've been in my thoughts all day.

Time2Surrender

Dancing girl, Im sending prayers your way.