Funnies
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Join Date: May 2008
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Thanks ananda
I'm somewhat flogging a dead horse with this thread !!!!!
We shall overcome though.
Just a figure of speech about the dead Horse Horsie, before you start on me !!!!!!!!!!!
I'm somewhat flogging a dead horse with this thread !!!!!
We shall overcome though.
Just a figure of speech about the dead Horse Horsie, before you start on me !!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 811
Originally Posted by FizzyWater 
12. Specify that your drive-through order at Mc Donalds is "to go."
Day One's Can RIP!!!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Far & Wide
Posts: 244
.
I'm not a fan of juggling but this guy is really good (and the music ain't bad either!).
juggling - Google Video
I'm not a fan of juggling but this guy is really good (and the music ain't bad either!).
juggling - Google Video
Day One's Can RIP!!!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Far & Wide
Posts: 244
.
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a Gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen"
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a Gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen"
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
You can see how I'm filling my saturday evening.
Better messing on you tube than drinking I reckon
Very 90's but I used to never miss Frank Skinner on Fantasy Football.
YouTube - Fantasy Football League - Chinese Football/Huge Fat Bloke
Better messing on you tube than drinking I reckon
Very 90's but I used to never miss Frank Skinner on Fantasy Football.
YouTube - Fantasy Football League - Chinese Football/Huge Fat Bloke
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
A man takes his seat on a plane and is slightly puzzled to see a parrot next to him.
The plane takes off and the man asks the stewardess for a coffee. Then the parrot screeches, "Yeah, and get me a double whiskey too, you ugly cow!"
The stewardess walks off to get drinks, but forgets the coffee. She apologizes and, as she turns away, the parrot squawks, "Yeah, and get me another whiskey, you fat-arsed tart."
By now the stewardess is rattled and she returns with a whiskey but no coffee. The man decides to follow the parrot's lead. "I've asked you for coffee twice!" he shouts. "Get your lazy arse back there and get me a cup now!"
Seconds later he and the parrot are dragged from their seats by the stewards and thrown out of the emergency exit. As they fall towards the earth, the parrot looks at the man and says,
"You've sure got a big mouth for someone who can't fly."
The plane takes off and the man asks the stewardess for a coffee. Then the parrot screeches, "Yeah, and get me a double whiskey too, you ugly cow!"
The stewardess walks off to get drinks, but forgets the coffee. She apologizes and, as she turns away, the parrot squawks, "Yeah, and get me another whiskey, you fat-arsed tart."
By now the stewardess is rattled and she returns with a whiskey but no coffee. The man decides to follow the parrot's lead. "I've asked you for coffee twice!" he shouts. "Get your lazy arse back there and get me a cup now!"
Seconds later he and the parrot are dragged from their seats by the stewards and thrown out of the emergency exit. As they fall towards the earth, the parrot looks at the man and says,
"You've sure got a big mouth for someone who can't fly."
Sober since 9th May 2008
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A Wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yokohama, Japan
Posts: 487
This is a true story. My brother and sister-in-law were waiting to be seated at a restaurant the day after Obama named Biden as his running mate, and my sister-in-law overheard this conversation:
Person A: So, did you hear Obama picked Biden as his running mate?
Person B: Yes, I heard about it last night while watching a French news program on TV.
Person A: I wonder how the French knew about it first....
Person C: Well, they are six hours ahead of us!
Person A: So, did you hear Obama picked Biden as his running mate?
Person B: Yes, I heard about it last night while watching a French news program on TV.
Person A: I wonder how the French knew about it first....
Person C: Well, they are six hours ahead of us!
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over.
Two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over.
Two claimed that he was still there.
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
Believe it or not the following is actually in written in what we Scots call English !!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you Scottish?
You know you are a true Scot if...........
1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. Ye kin make hale sentences jist wae swear wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .
19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said these words:-
- how's it hingin
- clatty
- boggin
- cludgie
- pished
- get it up ye
- wee beasties
- erse bandit
- amurny
- away an bile yer heid
- peely-wally
- humphey backit
- Ba'-heid
- baw bag
- Mocket
- Mingin
- dubble nugget
And finally......
A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his
erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.
Are you Scottish?
You know you are a true Scot if...........
1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St , St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.
2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.
3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.
4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.
5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.
6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!
7. Ye measure distance in minutes.
8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.
9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.
10. Ye kin make hale sentences jist wae swear wurds.
11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.
12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.
13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.
14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, irn-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.
15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.
16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.
17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.
18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals .
19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said these words:-
- how's it hingin
- clatty
- boggin
- cludgie
- pished
- get it up ye
- wee beasties
- erse bandit
- amurny
- away an bile yer heid
- peely-wally
- humphey backit
- Ba'-heid
- baw bag
- Mocket
- Mingin
- dubble nugget
And finally......
A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his
erse aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.
Sober since 9th May 2008
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2,973
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.
3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.
6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yokohama, Japan
Posts: 487
Originally Posted by FizzyWater
8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Yokohama, Japan
Posts: 487
You know you're from Pennsylvania when...
You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.
You don't understand what all the hype is about for Yeungling or Rolling Rock beer, you've been drinking it for years even though Iron City is cheaper.
You live for summer & fall, when street fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.
You ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.
Your turkey has "filling," not "stuffing," and most certainly, NOT "dressing."
You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.
You call sloppy joes, "barbecue".
When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
Know that Yuengling is pronounced "Ying-ling," and believe that it really is a premium beer (which comes from growing up on Schlitz and Iron City).
The first day of Buck season and the first day of Doe season are school holidays.
One of the highlights of your life was a field trip to Penn's cave and Horseshoe curve.
You know exactly what to do when your mother tells you to "red up" your room.
You don't think people from Philly or Pittsburgh talk funny.
All of your childhood vacations were trips to the Jersey shore. Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You find 20 degrees just a little chilly.
Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", and "pop" actually mean something to you.
You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.
You constantly refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Pee-ay). How many other states do that?
You can go 2 weeks in winter without sunshine and think this is normal.
You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.
"Vacation" means going to Hershey Park for the weekend.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day. Your grandparents(all Pittsburghers) drive at 65mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events. You install security lights on your house and garage and then leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as deer meat, fish, and berries.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend or wife knows how to use them.(more that women are handy, not princesses)
You can actually eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. Those from NY find this "barbaric".
You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know that it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.
At least 5 people on your block (for the city folks) have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.
You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.
You can't go to a Pennsylvania Wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance" and at least 5 other Polkas.
You can stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts on the "honor system."
You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."
You say things like, "Outen the lights," "I'm calling off today," and "They're calling for snow."
You only buy your beer and soda by the case.
You prefer Hershey's Chocolate to Godiva.
Know that Wilkes-Barre is pronounced "Wilks Berry."
Can pronounce "Knoebels."
Can pronounce (or spell) "Schuylkill."
Refer to something as "a whole nother," e.g., "That's a whole nother issue."
You don't understand what all the hype is about for Yeungling or Rolling Rock beer, you've been drinking it for years even though Iron City is cheaper.
You live for summer & fall, when street fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.
You ask the waitress for "dippy eggs" for breakfast.
Your turkey has "filling," not "stuffing," and most certainly, NOT "dressing."
You consider Pittsburgh to be "out west," and you know the fastest way to Philly is the Turnpike.
You call sloppy joes, "barbecue".
When it snows, they put cinders on the roads instead of sand.
Know that Yuengling is pronounced "Ying-ling," and believe that it really is a premium beer (which comes from growing up on Schlitz and Iron City).
The first day of Buck season and the first day of Doe season are school holidays.
One of the highlights of your life was a field trip to Penn's cave and Horseshoe curve.
You know exactly what to do when your mother tells you to "red up" your room.
You don't think people from Philly or Pittsburgh talk funny.
All of your childhood vacations were trips to the Jersey shore. Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You find 20 degrees just a little chilly.
Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", and "pop" actually mean something to you.
You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.
You constantly refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Pee-ay). How many other states do that?
You can go 2 weeks in winter without sunshine and think this is normal.
You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.
"Vacation" means going to Hershey Park for the weekend.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day. Your grandparents(all Pittsburghers) drive at 65mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events. You install security lights on your house and garage and then leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as deer meat, fish, and berries.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend or wife knows how to use them.(more that women are handy, not princesses)
You can actually eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. Those from NY find this "barbaric".
You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know that it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.
At least 5 people on your block (for the city folks) have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.
You know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (Lebanon Bologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.
You can't go to a Pennsylvania Wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance" and at least 5 other Polkas.
You can stop along the road to buy fruits, vegetables, or crafts on the "honor system."
You have an uncontrollable urge to buy bread and milk when you hear the word "snow."
You say things like, "Outen the lights," "I'm calling off today," and "They're calling for snow."
You only buy your beer and soda by the case.
You prefer Hershey's Chocolate to Godiva.
Know that Wilkes-Barre is pronounced "Wilks Berry."
Can pronounce "Knoebels."
Can pronounce (or spell) "Schuylkill."
Refer to something as "a whole nother," e.g., "That's a whole nother issue."
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