This is really hard
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 30
This is really hard
I know that's an understatement, and that you all have been/are going through the same thing, but this is really hard.
My drinking has grown progressively worse and worse over the last 6 years. I am up to right around a liter a day of hard liquor. Every day. Sometimes I manage a night without drinking, but it's usually because I'm so hung over from the day before, which is maybe 4 times in the last year. I usually start drinking as soon as I walk in the door at 5.30 or 6. On weekends or days I get off work early, it's usually around 3.
I look for excuses not to go places that I know I will not be able to drink. This includes functions for my kids.
I am experiencing physical effects, and am pretty sure my liver is failing (my boyfriend says I am overreacting. My father died of liver failure).
I black out almost every night, and can't remember how I got to bed, if I don't end up passed out in a patio chair or in the bathroom.
When I can't remember saying things, my kids say "you probably can't remember because you were drunk".
I still make it to work every day, but am experiencing more and more "episodes" of not being able to think clearly or not being able to express myself clearly.
I answer work emails drunk and often embarass myself.
I know that my co-workers know I am an alcoholic, but I'm the boss, so no one says anything. At least not to my face.
I am pretty high strung (always have been), and my friends and family often tell me to "go have a drink and lighten up".
I finally decided to stop drinking today. I made it until 9.30pm for the first time in over a year. I just poured a drink because I don't think I'll be able to sleep without it (probably an excuse).
I have been crying off and on for about an hour.
This is really hard.
My drinking has grown progressively worse and worse over the last 6 years. I am up to right around a liter a day of hard liquor. Every day. Sometimes I manage a night without drinking, but it's usually because I'm so hung over from the day before, which is maybe 4 times in the last year. I usually start drinking as soon as I walk in the door at 5.30 or 6. On weekends or days I get off work early, it's usually around 3.
I look for excuses not to go places that I know I will not be able to drink. This includes functions for my kids.
I am experiencing physical effects, and am pretty sure my liver is failing (my boyfriend says I am overreacting. My father died of liver failure).
I black out almost every night, and can't remember how I got to bed, if I don't end up passed out in a patio chair or in the bathroom.
When I can't remember saying things, my kids say "you probably can't remember because you were drunk".
I still make it to work every day, but am experiencing more and more "episodes" of not being able to think clearly or not being able to express myself clearly.
I answer work emails drunk and often embarass myself.
I know that my co-workers know I am an alcoholic, but I'm the boss, so no one says anything. At least not to my face.
I am pretty high strung (always have been), and my friends and family often tell me to "go have a drink and lighten up".
I finally decided to stop drinking today. I made it until 9.30pm for the first time in over a year. I just poured a drink because I don't think I'll be able to sleep without it (probably an excuse).
I have been crying off and on for about an hour.
This is really hard.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
that it is the first steps always are but hang in there it is well worth it......someone told me on my first day to make a list of everything I want to accomplish and how I am going to get there.....then to add up everything I think I would spend on my drugs and booze and figure out how much faster I would get there without that added expence.......it is nice to see you are making the change for you though and not everyone else....that is also an important step....
Welcome to SR we are a tight family most of us check in 2 or 3 times a day or more when we need the added support....Wish I could give you a big hug, the emotional side of you is craving it.....so just imagine I am and I am also saying .....just for right now it is ok not to drink.....
there will be more people by to talk with you I know, but for right now hang on and keep your mind busy and again Welcome to SR!!!!
Keep on posting!
HUGS,
Pamm
Welcome to SR we are a tight family most of us check in 2 or 3 times a day or more when we need the added support....Wish I could give you a big hug, the emotional side of you is craving it.....so just imagine I am and I am also saying .....just for right now it is ok not to drink.....
there will be more people by to talk with you I know, but for right now hang on and keep your mind busy and again Welcome to SR!!!!
Keep on posting!
HUGS,
Pamm
Hang in there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 30
Thank you all so much for your kind words. It really helps.
I was scared to come back to this thread (after lurking in some others). I have never said (written) any of those things down before, and I think that is where the tears are coming from. Still scared of rejection and ridicule. Actually saying all of those things out loud hurts. I guess that's the first step though, huh?
I was scared to come back to this thread (after lurking in some others). I have never said (written) any of those things down before, and I think that is where the tears are coming from. Still scared of rejection and ridicule. Actually saying all of those things out loud hurts. I guess that's the first step though, huh?
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
You should consult a doctor about stopping drinking as detox can be dangerous. Just remember, you never have to go thru this again! It took me forever to 'get serious' about getting sober, but today I have 65 days sober so it can be done.
Please ask your doctor for medical supervision during your detox. The doctor may be able to help you get thru the worst of it without too much anxiety and ill effects.
Keep reading and posting. We share our experience, strength, and hope in order to keep others, and ourselves, sober.
Please ask your doctor for medical supervision during your detox. The doctor may be able to help you get thru the worst of it without too much anxiety and ill effects.
Keep reading and posting. We share our experience, strength, and hope in order to keep others, and ourselves, sober.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I think its really freeing to speak out and to know
you have just found a site full of supporters who understand.
I strongly suggest you have an honest talk with a doctor
before quitting abruptly. An addictionologist would be ideal.
Welcome to our recovery community..
you have just found a site full of supporters who understand.
I strongly suggest you have an honest talk with a doctor
before quitting abruptly. An addictionologist would be ideal.
Welcome to our recovery community..
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 333
I feel so much for you , and know exactly what thoughts are going through your mind. I was exactly the same - blacking out, terrified of stopping, everyone (apart from me!) knew I had a serious problem. Well, I just did it - one day I woke up having upset my eldest daughter - again - and knew I had to stop. I won't butter it up, the first two weeks were really hard. I had a cracking headache, I was grumpy as hell, and I really really wanted a drink.
Now, although I'm only 32 days on, I feel so proud for getting through that. I feel better, I'm, in the words of my husband 'a different person'. It's still difficult - this weekend found me really craving, and I know that when we start socialising again, it will be hard, but the results are so worth it.
Please do it. You won;t regret it.
sas xxx
Now, although I'm only 32 days on, I feel so proud for getting through that. I feel better, I'm, in the words of my husband 'a different person'. It's still difficult - this weekend found me really craving, and I know that when we start socialising again, it will be hard, but the results are so worth it.
Please do it. You won;t regret it.
sas xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 281
Welcome Kitten,
Newbie here also, on Day 10 and going through the emotional upset of reliving my last drinking episode without drinking again to forget it. That was my cycle, drink, suffer anxiety and then drink again to forget it.
It is very, very hard, but waking up without anxiety and guilt is so worth it. Also, the physical health benefits are great.
Take Care,
D
Newbie here also, on Day 10 and going through the emotional upset of reliving my last drinking episode without drinking again to forget it. That was my cycle, drink, suffer anxiety and then drink again to forget it.
It is very, very hard, but waking up without anxiety and guilt is so worth it. Also, the physical health benefits are great.
Take Care,
D
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: London, England
Posts: 54
I can definately relate to the above post. classic cycle - drink - make a complete idiot out of yourself - then drink to forget. Thats what happened this weekend - having previously got quite drunk in front of my girlfriends brother before, ahving only met him once - I did THE VERY SAME THING again - the very last thing I didn't want to. Reliving it now makes me so want to drink but I guess its part of the process to be able to deal with stressful situations without resorting to it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 30
Thanks again to everyone for the great support and advice. I have made an appointmen with my doc, but am not sure I need it. Didn't sleep last night, and headachey today, but not too bad. Some cold sweats. The crazy thing is that my clarity of mind is soooo improved. I'm a bit on the bitchy side though.
Actually came home today and started laundry, made pizza with my kids, etc. insead of grabbing a drink first thing in the door and plopping down in front of the TV/Comp/back patio.
I am very worried that I have to take a trip out of town next week to do follow-ups with clients, which means out for drinks. I am sort of shoring myself up for that.
I am very blessed to have found this community. Thanks to you all.
Actually came home today and started laundry, made pizza with my kids, etc. insead of grabbing a drink first thing in the door and plopping down in front of the TV/Comp/back patio.
I am very worried that I have to take a trip out of town next week to do follow-ups with clients, which means out for drinks. I am sort of shoring myself up for that.
I am very blessed to have found this community. Thanks to you all.
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