Guess who's an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 196
Guess who's an alcoholic?
This is long but I haven't ever talked about this before with anyone.
Two nights ago I came out as an alcoholic. I had a clear moment after drinking for several hours that if I didn't stop -right now- I was going to lose the person I love. I was sobbing and telling her of my inability to control this thing, and she was nodding in agreement. ( I am a female as well, this is important later) Then I realized that even though I was sitting there sobbing, in the corner of my mind I was trying to figure out how to get to the kitchen to drink more without her knowing. I didn't. I went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and made the decision to quit drinking, and I slept fully for the first time in a long time. We woke up and went for a hike and a swim the next day. Then I went up and did stand up comedy that night- stone cold sober- I was shaky but the world didn't come to an end.
That brings me to the beginning of my story.
I grew up in an drug abusing family. Everyone in my family is either a alcoholic, drug addict, or both. Crystal Meth runs rampant in my family. I knew what Meth is when I was 9 years old.
That being said, I've been a ardent anti-drug person for many years. When I was a teenager and into my early 20's, I hung out in clubs and was the advocate for being clean and sober. I performed (music) and did advocacy work on behalf of those dealing with durg addiction/ Homelessness.
Then I turned 21. In the gay community there is a lot of socializing in bars. I was hanging out in underage gay and lesbian clubs before. it was easy to avoid alcohol. Then I was perfoming in bars and people were buying me drinks and teasing me because I didn't drink. I clearly remember telling a friend of mine to come see me. She said she didn't have money to drink. I said 'you don't need to drink!" You've come a long way baby!
How did I get to the point of being an alcoholic? Easy, it was denial. I still thought I was the girl I was, without recognizing that I was drinking every night, and getting drunker and drunker. I've decided to list the ways that alcohol is effecting my life. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but what you need to understand is all of this just came clear to me 2 days ago. I wrote this today and the writing was on the wall. Now I know why people have been worried about me.
Money- I've spent a large majority of my disposable income on alcohol in the last 10 years. I always worry that I'm not going to afford to go out and 'have a good time' (i.e. drink) and there have been countless times I have decided to drink vs do very important things like buy food, pay a bill or get gas so I could go to a bar and get drunk. I get upset when I don't have money to drink. It doesn't matter if I make 60k a year or 20k, I still manage to not have money before payday.
Time: I spend a lot of time figuring out how to drink or getting over a hang over. I don't want to do things unless it involves drinking. I don't remember the last time I had even one week where I didn't get very drunk. Sometimes I get very drunk 6 days a week.
Energy: I have to force myself to do stuff because I am "tired". Also, I dont' have energy some days until I start drinking.
Reward: I reward myself with Alcohol. If I have had an good/bad/hard/long day I feel justified with drinking. Sometimes I work extra hard to justify how much I am planning on drinking that evening.
Guilt: I feel guilty almost every day after I drink and beat myself up. I sometimes don't want people around when I drink so they don't see how drunk I am. I am ashamed when I have memories of people remembering how drunk I've gotten, where I can't look people in the eye the next day. I have cried and prayed to find strength to not drink.
Tolerance- I get drunker than anyone I know, and I can drink a 5th of liquor in a night. My ability and the amount I drink scares me. When I start drinking I feel like I can't stop, even after everyone else has. Sometimes, I don't stop until all alcohol is gone in the house.
Danger: I have been in various dangerous situations with drinking ranging from falling down and hurting myself to driving drunk. And not just buzzed, drunk. Worry about getting home drunk. Not knowing how I got a bruise or a laceration. Breaking something and hoping no one notices
Social: I know people make fun/talk about how much I drink behind my back, I go to parties and get so drunk I fall down as I'm leaving. There have been many times people have asked me if I am OK in response to how drunk I am. I black out and can't remember what happened at the end of a night. I am always worried that I have done something to offend someone, that people pity me or don't want to be my friend anymore because of how much I drink. I try to encourage others to drink more so I feel better about how much I'm drinking, sometimes even shaming people into drinking more. I am afraid now that I've stopped drinking I won't be 'cool' or be able to have a good time at parties. I don't know how I will pass the time when I'm bored.
Now I'm leaving work and going ot my first meeting. With all of the people I've supported over the years. I feel ashamed and scard to be in the same boat. I know I have to stop drinking though. I'm afraid of the non-life I am sure to have if I don't.
Thanks for reading
Two nights ago I came out as an alcoholic. I had a clear moment after drinking for several hours that if I didn't stop -right now- I was going to lose the person I love. I was sobbing and telling her of my inability to control this thing, and she was nodding in agreement. ( I am a female as well, this is important later) Then I realized that even though I was sitting there sobbing, in the corner of my mind I was trying to figure out how to get to the kitchen to drink more without her knowing. I didn't. I went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and made the decision to quit drinking, and I slept fully for the first time in a long time. We woke up and went for a hike and a swim the next day. Then I went up and did stand up comedy that night- stone cold sober- I was shaky but the world didn't come to an end.
That brings me to the beginning of my story.
I grew up in an drug abusing family. Everyone in my family is either a alcoholic, drug addict, or both. Crystal Meth runs rampant in my family. I knew what Meth is when I was 9 years old.
That being said, I've been a ardent anti-drug person for many years. When I was a teenager and into my early 20's, I hung out in clubs and was the advocate for being clean and sober. I performed (music) and did advocacy work on behalf of those dealing with durg addiction/ Homelessness.
Then I turned 21. In the gay community there is a lot of socializing in bars. I was hanging out in underage gay and lesbian clubs before. it was easy to avoid alcohol. Then I was perfoming in bars and people were buying me drinks and teasing me because I didn't drink. I clearly remember telling a friend of mine to come see me. She said she didn't have money to drink. I said 'you don't need to drink!" You've come a long way baby!
How did I get to the point of being an alcoholic? Easy, it was denial. I still thought I was the girl I was, without recognizing that I was drinking every night, and getting drunker and drunker. I've decided to list the ways that alcohol is effecting my life. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but what you need to understand is all of this just came clear to me 2 days ago. I wrote this today and the writing was on the wall. Now I know why people have been worried about me.
Money- I've spent a large majority of my disposable income on alcohol in the last 10 years. I always worry that I'm not going to afford to go out and 'have a good time' (i.e. drink) and there have been countless times I have decided to drink vs do very important things like buy food, pay a bill or get gas so I could go to a bar and get drunk. I get upset when I don't have money to drink. It doesn't matter if I make 60k a year or 20k, I still manage to not have money before payday.
Time: I spend a lot of time figuring out how to drink or getting over a hang over. I don't want to do things unless it involves drinking. I don't remember the last time I had even one week where I didn't get very drunk. Sometimes I get very drunk 6 days a week.
Energy: I have to force myself to do stuff because I am "tired". Also, I dont' have energy some days until I start drinking.
Reward: I reward myself with Alcohol. If I have had an good/bad/hard/long day I feel justified with drinking. Sometimes I work extra hard to justify how much I am planning on drinking that evening.
Guilt: I feel guilty almost every day after I drink and beat myself up. I sometimes don't want people around when I drink so they don't see how drunk I am. I am ashamed when I have memories of people remembering how drunk I've gotten, where I can't look people in the eye the next day. I have cried and prayed to find strength to not drink.
Tolerance- I get drunker than anyone I know, and I can drink a 5th of liquor in a night. My ability and the amount I drink scares me. When I start drinking I feel like I can't stop, even after everyone else has. Sometimes, I don't stop until all alcohol is gone in the house.
Danger: I have been in various dangerous situations with drinking ranging from falling down and hurting myself to driving drunk. And not just buzzed, drunk. Worry about getting home drunk. Not knowing how I got a bruise or a laceration. Breaking something and hoping no one notices
Social: I know people make fun/talk about how much I drink behind my back, I go to parties and get so drunk I fall down as I'm leaving. There have been many times people have asked me if I am OK in response to how drunk I am. I black out and can't remember what happened at the end of a night. I am always worried that I have done something to offend someone, that people pity me or don't want to be my friend anymore because of how much I drink. I try to encourage others to drink more so I feel better about how much I'm drinking, sometimes even shaming people into drinking more. I am afraid now that I've stopped drinking I won't be 'cool' or be able to have a good time at parties. I don't know how I will pass the time when I'm bored.
Now I'm leaving work and going ot my first meeting. With all of the people I've supported over the years. I feel ashamed and scard to be in the same boat. I know I have to stop drinking though. I'm afraid of the non-life I am sure to have if I don't.
Thanks for reading
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR SoberForMe! Glad that you found us and have decided to take
a path that I'm sure you will find very rewarding!
Please check out our other forums and at the top of each forum you will find stickies that are filled with a wealth of information!
There is a lot of support here at SR you are not alone on this journey and we do hope that you keep posting!
Let us know how your meeting goes
The strength in admitting to what you just have is Step one! Way to go!
a path that I'm sure you will find very rewarding!
Please check out our other forums and at the top of each forum you will find stickies that are filled with a wealth of information!
There is a lot of support here at SR you are not alone on this journey and we do hope that you keep posting! Let us know how your meeting goes
The strength in admitting to what you just have is Step one! Way to go!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Eh? :)
Posts: 1,410
Wow...that sure is hard to write, isn't it? But it's good to have it committed to words for others to read...kind of makes it more "real" somehow, doesn't it? I found that when I started writing things in these forums, it made my committment to sobriety more solidified. I'm glad you're here and that you sound so ready to start living differently. It'll be hard at first, but you'll see the rewards very quickly.
But it's good to have it committed to words for others to read...kind of makes it more "real" somehow, doesn't it? I found that when I started writing things in these forums, it made my committment to sobriety more solidified. I'm glad you're here and that you sound so ready to start living differently. It'll be hard at first, but you'll see the rewards very quickly. 
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Excellent examples of why you are trying to quit
I'm sitting here nodding in agreement
You might consider having an honest talk with your
doctor before quitting abruptly. You have been drinking
excessively for a long time and may need professional
supervision to de tox safely.
....Welcome to our recovery community
I'm sitting here nodding in agreement
You might consider having an honest talk with your
doctor before quitting abruptly. You have been drinking
excessively for a long time and may need professional
supervision to de tox safely.
....Welcome to our recovery community
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Glad your here. You are not alone and those that you have supported in the past I bet will be there to support you. Stop beating yourself up over it. That doesnt solve anything. You are taking the first step and i wish you all the best on your new journey. Now you can understand from another perspective what those you have helped in the past were going through. This can be looked at as a great lesson. LLOLOl
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: coastal SC
Posts: 68
Hey Sober. You should feel really good that you have chosen to be truthful with yourself. You have SO much to look forward to. You should check out the "Class of September" thread under NEWCOMERS. We all began in September and it is great to know you are not alone in your journey. Welcome to SR!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
Welcome to a great site, Me!! I've always gotten loving support here, and lots of encouragement when I fell down. You'll get lots of help just from reading our stories, cause the successes are what we want and the failures are what we do'nt want, so both are useful incentives.
I agree strongly with CarolD: see your doctor first. Be safe while detoxing. Please.
:ghug3
I agree strongly with CarolD: see your doctor first. Be safe while detoxing. Please.
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 196
Originally Posted by CarolD 
You might consider having an honest talk with your
doctor before quitting abruptly.
Thanks everyone for your responses!
I went to my meeting last night. I got a desire chip and cried and cried. I felt like I was overreacting. I'm really glad I wrote that list before I went. It made me not chicken out
I really was overwhelmed by everyone in the meeting being so willing to help me.
I found a woman I identify with who's been sober for 4 years to be my sponsor. I'm meeting with her after the meeting tonight to talk to her more.
Carol- I had to LOL at the Dr thing. Why? Because my partner IS a Dr.!! She can't really treat me per se, but she can keep an eye out and get me to someone asap.
Speaking of partners, I am overwhelmed by the love mine has shown for me. She went to the meeting last night and held my hand. She looked up Alanon meetings and told me the meeting helped her. She said she realized from listening that it's not going to be a matter of just deciding Sat that I wasn't going to drink and just that's it. I could relapse, I could be sober but there's a lot of work to be had with it. We had a very honest talk about my drinking where I outlined how bad it was. She didn't know how MUCH I was drinking really. I guess that was her denial. She admitted that she was beginning to lose respect for me for awhile. That hurt, but I can understand why. I was losing respect for myself too.
SoberforME
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Here is a link with information
and some of our experiences with de toxing
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Please note that our exxperiences vary but it may
be useful to check your symptoms with ours.
The next sticky post down from the link
has excerpts from the book
that convinced me to quit.
Do read that too please
Blessings...
and some of our experiences with de toxing
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
Please note that our exxperiences vary but it may
be useful to check your symptoms with ours.
The next sticky post down from the link
has excerpts from the book
that convinced me to quit.
Do read that too please
Blessings...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 196
Thanks Carol!! I really appreciate the help.
I met with my sponsor last night and my meeting was about the first step. It was great to hear where people came from in regard to 'the bottom'.
I have my assignment from my sponsor and I feel really good.
My partner last night looked at me on our walk and said "It's really nice to just be present and in the moment with you"
I met with my sponsor last night and my meeting was about the first step. It was great to hear where people came from in regard to 'the bottom'.
I have my assignment from my sponsor and I feel really good.
My partner last night looked at me on our walk and said "It's really nice to just be present and in the moment with you"
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