Jackie36

Oh boy, I did it again. I had 1 month on Friday, and drank Friday and yesterday, to the point of blacking out, saying mean and nasty things to my fiance and sister, to putting myself in very dangerous situations that could have gotten me hurt. I am sober today, but when I think of what could have happened to me, it makes my skin crawl! I can't seem to get passed the 1 month mark anymore. I am filled with self hate, dread, tons of anxiety, can't sleep, and just feel so guilty and so disappointed in myself, I can't stand it! I can't sit still......................I want this feeling to go away!!

ANGELINA243

Glad you are here...what steps have you taken before to get sober? What methods have you tried--rehab, AA, other etc? What might you do differently this time...? I know its scary--but you are not alone. Hang on...keep posting.

headintheclouds

Hi Jackie

I'm quite new here, so I'm not sure what to say other than that someone more knowledgeable will no doubt be along soon. In the meantime - hugs.

Jackie36

I had 3 years sobriety about 5 years ago. Have been back out off and on for the last 2 years. I have done 3 inpatient treatments, a relapse program, and I have been going to at least 2 meetings a week. And I still can't get a grip on this!! I know I need to get a sponser, and I am going to make that a goal for this week. I have been mentally fighting this tooth and nail this time around. I have been very bitter about having this disease. And today I feel so guilty and disappointed I can't stand myself!! I am 41 years old, and I had my first DUI a month ago. I am on probation for the next 2 years. I could have EASILY been picked up this weekend for public intoxification, and then I would have been really screwed. I have a 16 year old daughter, and I believe she doesn't know that I slipped up this weekend. She hasn't said anything to me about it yet. I am so tired of this feeling, and feeling like the most rottenist person alive!! I am tired of hurting myself and the people I care about!

Anna

Hi Jackie,

I do understand how you feel and how miserable it is.

I am glad that you are determined to do what you need to do to get and stay sober.

I got stuck at the three-day point and then at the three-week point for a long time. You can get past this.

You can do it!

cmhcali

Hey Jackie,

I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. It seems like you are taking the right steps. Just remember put your recovery above all. Get a sponsor and a network of people you can talk to. This is a great place too.. Just keep posting... We have all overcome obstacles and life and with help we can continue too..

You are in my thoughts...

Aysha

Just keep trying

Jersey Nonny

OK...I can only tell you what I did once I decided to get serious about sobriety. I went to detox...then to a 10 day mini-rehab...got a sponsor...90 meetings in 90 days...joined a group...started going on speaking commitments...made coffee...got there early enough to help set up at meetings...stayed late enough to break down after meetings.

It was quite a while before I felt comfortable enough to skip a meeting in between meetings...besides, I really enjoyed the people and the meetings. I became very active doing service work for my group...picked up people for meetings or to take them to detox, held office, went to conventions, attended social AA functions...you name it, I did it...if it was a way to keep busy and stay sober.

That is not to say I didn't have a life outside of AA...I worked full-time, went back to college, enjoyed my family, went on vacations (including two trips to Europe).

So, that's what I did...and, I think it must have something to do with why I'm coming up on 29 years of continuous sobriety. Now, what you do is up to you...and, no one can do it for you. Since you managed to string three years together, you know it can be done. Is it hard work? Sure it is! Is it worth it? Must be, or you wouldn't be looking for a way to do it all over again.

I'll offer my help in the form of prayers that you manage to "get a grip on this".

bostonluv

It's a choice. If you're really and truly sick of it you will stop making bad choices and stop being bitter about having the diesease. You have it. It's like people with diabetes that keep eating loads of sugar. They're just hurting themselves. Work your program, come here and get support when you need it and don't pick up that first drink.

With Love,
Kathleen

Jackie36

I so appreciate all of your replies, its settling me down a bit. Thank you! Jersey Nonny, 29 years? I hope to grow up and be just like you! Thats incredible. I started drinking at 13, and as we all know to well, it gets worse with time. I KNOW I have someone looking out for me, because I should be a lot worse off than what I am. I also know that my luck will run out. I have been "around" the program for some years now, but really have never worked it! That is what i have to do now. I have never seeked out a sponser, never put REAL effort into recovery. I have had it, I need to work at it. This first day is soooo flippin tough for me! I have had a ton of water today, trying to hydrate myself, at little bits here and there, and I hope to God I can get some sleep tonight. I am exhausted, but totally restless!

Jersey Nonny

At 76, I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Don't let the "29 years" fool you...I'm just as sober as you, as long as I stay away from that one drink one day at a time...I just have more experience at doing it!

You can do it! Just keep believing that you can!

least

I vowed to stop drinking last December and it's only now that I have my most sober time - 63 days. I kept stopping and relapsing, over and over. I began to believe I was hopeless. But I finally came to want sobriety more than I wanted to drink. And for me, that was the key. Now I'm tickled with my nine weeks sober and won't let myself mess it up. I have no desire to drink and practice 'talking myself out of it' just in case I should have a strong craving.

I'm doing it one day at a time, and you can too! Keep sober just for today, and tomorrow, when it's today, do the same. You CAN do this!

:ghug3

Jackie36

Again, thank you all for your words. I just hit the 24 hour mark, 24 hours ago right now was my last drink. I am feeling really anxious tonight, nights are hard for me. I am already anticipating not sleeping, which isn't good, I am psyching myself up before I even try to lay down and relax. I got some food in me. My anxiety always elevates my blood pressure, I can feel that right now. But at least 1 24 hour period is down!

spudida

Jackie: 24hours is a very good start, and you're in the right place. We're all here to help each other stay sober so just keep talking..and of course most important...just don't drink no matter how you feel because ultimately as you know, "it" will just make you feel worse. Welcome and good luck ... and keep moving forward!!

Jackie36

How does one go about not beating themselves up so much?? That is where my anxiety is coming from. I have been thru this before, all to many times, I so hate the first few days because I loathe myself because I relapse, make a fool out of myself. Especially when I know better!!

Rusty Zipper

jackie try to come accept that we are imperfect beings worthy of forgiveness....

and stuff all the crap in a duffle bag...

good wishes jackie

least

I too have tried to stop drinking, and failed. Over and over and over again. I can't really describe it, but I just suddenly 'saw the light'. And I see myself and my surroundings so much more clearly now that the fog of alcohol has lifted.

I too had (still have) the bad habit of beating myself up. Belittling myself. Not giving myself the same respect I give others. And then I remembered that I was put here for a reason, whether I know the reason or not.

I started counting my blessings more often than listing my curses, my own faults.

You can do this, ya just gotta wanna! You've got to let us help you thru the rough patches.

:ghug3 Welcome to a wonderful place!

CarolD

Hmm..
I too was in and out of AA recovery
Took me 5 years to earn a 1 year medallion!..

I consider my recovery ecame solid
when I began Step work.
Steps 4 & 5 gave me a way to erase
the guilt and remorse.

Keep moving forward...you too can find peace.

Itsmytime

Jackie36,

Sounds exactly what I am going through. I am on Day 9, feeling good about that, first sober weekend in a couple of years. I quit before for 5 years and started again 2.5 years ago. The anxiety, guilt and shame nags at me for days or weeks afterwards. I started drinking again thinking I could do moderation, that worked for a year then the past year and half have been pretty bad, had some significant losses during that time and used alcohol as an escape.

For me (when sober) time is the only thing that eases the pain of the shame, and now it is what is keeping me sober. Still feeling fleeting anxiety over the last drinking episode, but trying to remind myself that it wasn't the "real" me and forgive myself.

((hugs))

dancinggirl

Jackie: have you had a chance to get to a meeting yet? You wrote that you want to get a sponsor this time, have you made any steps towards that? There's no time like RIGHT NOW to take steps to stop drinking once and for all. The best time is right now while you're so committed. If you are going to try AA, head to a meeting today..this afternoon..the soonest you can get to. Tell them what has happened, ask for a sponsor, even an interim sponsor until you can get a permanent one. Take the steps you hadn't taken before. It will only get worse the longer you drink, as you've said.

You CAN do this!!! Absolutely can!