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Hi, I'm New Here, Just Introducing Myself

Old 09-13-2008, 11:26 PM
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Hi, I'm New Here, Just Introducing Myself

I hope that I am posting in the right place.

I am new to recovery, I have been sober (intentionally and voluntarily) since August 1, 2008. Of course, a crisis brought me to realize that I have to stop drinking (at least for now, maybe forever).

I know I should say forever, but it just is too scary and makes me feel too deprived to say I will never drink again, so I will just say that I wish to abstain from drinking and that I don't know if I will ever drink again. (I don't know, that's the truth).

It's been six weeks and it seems like since I made a conscious decison to stop drinking I think about it a lot.

I started going to AA meetings on the 4th of August, at the time I walked in I was totally repulsed by myself, my behaviour, and the trouble I caused myself. Now, after just six weeks sober, I am craving drinks (the Vodka Martini is my obsession), and I am online here looking to share because I am uncomfortable calling anyone from the meetings this late at night, but this was my prime drinking time.

I am reminding myself of how humiliated and embarassed and depressed I was after my last drunk, which resulted in a big mess in my life.

Over the last six weeks I have been going back over my life, I am 46 years old, and with the exceptions of when I carried and nursed my two children, I was always a drinker, in the early years, not heavy, it didn't take much, but I rarely had good results or fun, yet I kept on drinking.

It seems that my resentments or hurt or angry feelings boil up inside me and at a certain point of my drunkenness they come out like vomit all over whoever it is I am with at the time. I have said a lot of mean things over hurts that are real and also "imagined" over the years.

It's like a switch goes off at a certain level of intoxication, I can never know when, sometimes it doesn't, but most times it does. Once the switch goes off I am out of control and the alcohol is driving my personality, not me. I am an alcoholic and I don't want to be.

I miss the fact that I can't sit and unwind with a drink, but I know I can't have just one. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I am angry at myself because alcohol gets the better of me nearly evertime.

I now have a DUI to deal with along with other charges because the alcohol kept my smart mouth running after my logical brain shut off, I go to court on Wednesday, and it's nobody's fault but my own. I am my own worst enemy.

It's not that I wouldn't have problems if I didn't drink, but I wouldn't have problems this big - or unnecessary.

So, I am here to share when I can't pick up a phone and call someone.

I am trying to work the steps, still struggling and bouncing back and forth between steps one, two and three, and have thought about step four and see the correlations.

One day at a time as they say.

In the past six weeks I have thought a lot about how alcohol has affected my life, and all I see are negatives. I think I would have had a different life if I never became a drinker. My life is not bad, it's pretty good most of the time, but my alcohol use has always disrupted it, all the way back to the beer barrell parties in high school.

So hello everyone, it's nice to meet you, unfortunately, I feel the need to be here, or maybe it's fortunate? I don't know. I just have to accept that I am an alcoholic and now it is time to deal with it. 46 years old, a drinker for 31 years on and off, but out of control in the end the same as when I was a rebellious teenage girl.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Best Wishes.
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Old 09-13-2008, 11:32 PM
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Welcome soberhippie. No, it doesn't sound horrible to say you can't do forever. That's just honesty. I can't wrap my mind around forever either. One day at a time works for me and a lot of others. Keep posting. I look forward to reading more of your posts. Congrats on the 6 weeks!!!
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Old 09-13-2008, 11:38 PM
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Thank you!

I love your pic!

What kind of a dog is that? I love dogs!

(Boxers are my favorite, but I love them all!)
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Old 09-13-2008, 11:40 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Congratulations on your sober time

Welcome to our recovery community
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Old 09-13-2008, 11:41 PM
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Welcome SH :day4 you are in the right place. We are all going through this together & we are glad to have you here with us. There are a lot of great people on this site that have helped me through my first two 10 days sober in over 20 years.

Keep posting & dont pick up that first drink, from reading your first post you know where that will lead you. All of the best in your recovery
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Old 09-13-2008, 11:42 PM
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Welcome to Sr soberhippie. I really relate to your story. im 47 and drinking really screwed up my life. Yet I still desire it.

you have made the right decision to quit and checking in here was a great idea also. Lots of advice and support can be found here.

Wecome and goodluck.
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Old 09-13-2008, 11:50 PM
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Thank you all for the warm welcome! I am glad I found this site, it will help me in between meetings, and it always seem that I would like to communicate late, late night, which makes this wonderful for me. I am glad I joined, I need all the support I can get (as I'm sure many of us do).

Thanks!
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Old 09-14-2008, 03:53 AM
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Hippie,
Have you started on formal step work in AA? I found that once I got involved with that process - the mental obsession (thinking about martinis, wanting a drink to unwind) slowly dissapated. Just going to meetings won't get results.

If you have started on the steps, from the book with a recovered member - whereabouts are you?

It is possible to be free from alcoholism, not cured, but free - happy, life makes sense, no longer restless, irritable etc.- but it takes work. In AA - that is the twelve steps as outlined in the big book, without it/them - attending meetings will only be a temporary relief.
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Old 09-14-2008, 05:21 AM
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Welcome to SR! GLad you are here! Congrats on 6 weeks!
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Old 09-14-2008, 05:53 AM
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Hello and welcome from a fellow Pennsylvanian (although I am a ways from home now).

You'll find a lot of people here who have gone "a lot farther" down the road than you and have come back. You can do it and come out happy and sober.

Just a word about AA. While I think it's great if it works for anybody, it's not the only "game" out there and there are other programs people use for a variety of reasons. I would never criticize someone who is working to get sober in any legit program. AA, however, is not for everyone (like me). If you feel like you are one of them, don't be afraid to look elsewhere for help (there is info on this forum). I am truly not trying to disparage AA, just to remind you that there is more than one path to sobriety and happiness.

Good luck and remember we are all in this together.

"Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life... "--Eric Idle, Monty Python's Life of Brian
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Old 09-14-2008, 06:35 AM
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your in great hands here in SR and a big time WELCOME to our family . its great to see you here , lookin forward to reading your posts keep up the great work ... peace n serenity to you Mrs O
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Old 09-14-2008, 06:44 AM
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everything is already ok
 
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Welcome to SR
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Old 09-14-2008, 06:52 AM
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Welcome, you are in the right place and doing great! Don't back track on what you have already accomplished. That will just make things worse. I too get angry because I so want to just come home and have a glass of wine in the evening or go out with friends and have a couple of drinks, but I can't. If I drink one I drink six or seven. I do not have a turn off switch, so I know I can't drink. I am on day 4, so you are doing great! Keep it up!
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Old 09-14-2008, 09:52 AM
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Old 09-14-2008, 09:59 AM
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Thumbs up

Hi there - well I know what you mean about alcohol just taking over - the switch that suddenly gets turned on. I am the same. I'm 30 days sober now, and love this site.

I have deliberately chosen, for my own reasons, not to go for AA, but I think everyone has their own way of doing it. Whatever works for you!

love and luck

sas
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Old 09-14-2008, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by BeamMeUpScotty View Post
Hello and welcome from a fellow Pennsylvanian (although I am a ways from home now).

You'll find a lot of people here who have gone "a lot farther" down the road than you and have come back. You can do it and come out happy and sober.

Just a word about AA. While I think it's great if it works for anybody, it's not the only "game" out there and there are other programs people use for a variety of reasons. I would never criticize someone who is working to get sober in any legit program. AA, however, is not for everyone (like me). If you feel like you are one of them, don't be afraid to look elsewhere for help (there is info on this forum). I am truly not trying to disparage AA, just to remind you that there is more than one path to sobriety and happiness.

Good luck and remember we are all in this together.

"Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life... "--Eric Idle, Monty Python's Life of Brian
Hi, Thanks for the welcome.

I am aware that AA is not the only program, however, since it is very likely to be "court ordered" while I am in the system I figured I would get a head start and give it a try before it was not a "choice" for me.

Knowing my alcoholic need to be in control makes me immediately rebellious when someone tries to tell me what to do, where I live, there are very few "other options" for organized recovery, AA is the easiest and most well known in the area, and the only one the court systems approve, so why fight it? They'll be mandating it shortly.

This way I am already in and comfortable once it is ordered. I already have my homegroup, several prospective sponsors, and I can see how certain steps of the twelve will be very beneficial to me.

Great to meet you!
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Old 09-14-2008, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by sugErspun View Post
Hippie,
Have you started on formal step work in AA? I found that once I got involved with that process - the mental obsession (thinking about martinis, wanting a drink to unwind) slowly dissapated. Just going to meetings won't get results.

If you have started on the steps, from the book with a recovered member - whereabouts are you?

It is possible to be free from alcoholism, not cured, but free - happy, life makes sense, no longer restless, irritable etc.- but it takes work. In AA - that is the twelve steps as outlined in the big book, without it/them - attending meetings will only be a temporary relief.
Hi! And thank you for the welcome.

Yes, I am working the steps, still the first three.

Step four is what I am contemplating right now, the spirituality of AA is not a problem for me as it is for some who don't like the powerlessness or the God reference, I do feel powerless when I ingest alcohol, alcohol takes over, the hypothallamus gland shuts off, I don't have short term memory of my behaviour during blackout, so if I drink I am handing alchohol the reigns to my thoughts and actions.

I am interviewing prospective sponsors.

It's only been 46 days now, and many assure me that although it is different for everyone, it is not ununusual to have the thoughts and cravings going on.

I want a sponsor I feel is truly into the program and that I feel comfortable sharing my dirty laundry with one on one, right now there are two women whom I think may be good candidates, but I am taking this seriously and want to be sure that I get in tune with the right sponsor, it's very important to my successful recovery that she can stand up to me and at the same time be supportive.

This is so much more complicated intellectually and emotionally than I first thought it would be. Thank you for the warm welcome!
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