Confession
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Confession
First of all, it is very hard for me to come here and write this.
I have been struggling for the last couple of months to get sober again. Alcohol had a very powerful grip on me. I've been trying to break free. I've been drinking very heavily. I was going to AA meetings and then drinking after the meetings. It has really taken its toll on my health.
After I drank again, I did not have the strength to pick myself right back up. I stayed down and continued to drink. But now I have a small glimmer of hope and a desire to win over alcohol. I can't believe the grip that this stuff has on me.
It all started over a thought that maybe I could drink socially again since I had months of sobriety. I thought that I could have one drink and be okay and would stop after that. Well, that one drink turned into one more and one more.... and it just kept going. The road of "one more drink" lead me straight to hell. It is a very lonely, painful place.
I was drinking every day. No matter how much I drank, I couldn't drink enough to drown out all of the recovery I had learned in my sober time. I rotated liquor stores because I was too embarrassed to keep showing up at the same one every day. I just felt like when they looked at me, they just knew. It was a horrible, deep shame and I know I am way over the line that separated alcoholics from social drinkers. I'm really far gone into alcoholism. I know social drinkers do not behave the way I was behaving.
I know what to do to get back on this road of recovery. I walked this road before and I still have what I learned and now I have this experience to learn from. I also know the reasons why I drank again and I'll avoid them in the future. I know the EXACT reasons that caused me to pick up a drink. I saw it coming and did nothing to stop it. I thought it was what I wanted, but I was sadly mistaken. It was what my alcoholic mind wanted but not really what I wanted if that makes any sense.
I also have to avoid people, places, and things associated with alcohol. I have to do it for my recovery. Without sobriety, I don't have anything.
I'm very disappointed that I started drinking again, but I am hopeful that this experience has made me stronger and reaffirmed my decision and reasons for recovery. Now I'm trying to get back up and give sobriety another chance. This time, I won't be careless about who I hang around and won't hang around in slippery places where alcohol is served.
Thanks for listening.
I have been struggling for the last couple of months to get sober again. Alcohol had a very powerful grip on me. I've been trying to break free. I've been drinking very heavily. I was going to AA meetings and then drinking after the meetings. It has really taken its toll on my health.
After I drank again, I did not have the strength to pick myself right back up. I stayed down and continued to drink. But now I have a small glimmer of hope and a desire to win over alcohol. I can't believe the grip that this stuff has on me.
It all started over a thought that maybe I could drink socially again since I had months of sobriety. I thought that I could have one drink and be okay and would stop after that. Well, that one drink turned into one more and one more.... and it just kept going. The road of "one more drink" lead me straight to hell. It is a very lonely, painful place.
I was drinking every day. No matter how much I drank, I couldn't drink enough to drown out all of the recovery I had learned in my sober time. I rotated liquor stores because I was too embarrassed to keep showing up at the same one every day. I just felt like when they looked at me, they just knew. It was a horrible, deep shame and I know I am way over the line that separated alcoholics from social drinkers. I'm really far gone into alcoholism. I know social drinkers do not behave the way I was behaving.
I know what to do to get back on this road of recovery. I walked this road before and I still have what I learned and now I have this experience to learn from. I also know the reasons why I drank again and I'll avoid them in the future. I know the EXACT reasons that caused me to pick up a drink. I saw it coming and did nothing to stop it. I thought it was what I wanted, but I was sadly mistaken. It was what my alcoholic mind wanted but not really what I wanted if that makes any sense.
I also have to avoid people, places, and things associated with alcohol. I have to do it for my recovery. Without sobriety, I don't have anything.
I'm very disappointed that I started drinking again, but I am hopeful that this experience has made me stronger and reaffirmed my decision and reasons for recovery. Now I'm trying to get back up and give sobriety another chance. This time, I won't be careless about who I hang around and won't hang around in slippery places where alcohol is served.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 281
Sounds like me Hope, still struggling with that and so far it is working - still early though. I am on Day 7 and it will be challenging having ppl over tonight, but feeling as good as I do today on a Saturday morning without a hangover or anxiety is what I will be thinking of. This is so hard, but every challenge faced and conquered brings us closer to peace. Let's beat this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 811
Originally Posted by Hope 
But now I have a small glimmer of hope and a desire to win over alcohol.
Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. We are all struggling together and are all there for each other. Keep the small glimmer of hope alive and that desire and it will grow. You can do it.
:ghug2
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Wow Hope! I have to thank you big time for this post. I have had glimmers of thoughts like that myself. I'm somewhere around 4 months and I say to myself, "Self you've gone 4 months and so you probably don't have a problem with it," and then the rational voice kicks in and says, "Self if you picked up today you would be back at square one and it would be harder to stop again." Sometimes the addict voice is louder then the rational voice, but your post has quieted the addict voice for now. I can't thank you enough. Let's all do this together - "Shut up irrational voice!!" :ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Horselover, that voice is lying to you. Hold on to your 4 months and guard them. Those 4 months are precious. You know in your rational mind that you still have the same problem with alcohol as you did on day 1. Nothing's changed. So tell that voice to get lost because you're not listening to it's lies today!
Bamboozle, it is hard to admit when we've failed. Maybe it's a perception of how we want to look to other people. But then the courage finds us as we realize that it isn't about how we look to other people, it's about saving our lives. What matters is that you are here today.
Let my post be a reminder that we cannot ever try to drink socially. No matter what the voice in our head says, it's lying. You see, once you drink, it's got you. It's hard to break the grip and stop again. It's much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. The voice is really horrendous after you've fed it. It comes back much more powerful. But it weakens as we stay sober.
I had myself so blinded and was just going to try to have one drink. Impossible. Who the heck only has one drink? That's never been enough for me. One drink and the train has left the station. It always leads to a crash.
So the lesson of this is: that voice is lying to us. We have a problem with alcohol. When we're 20 years sober, we still have a problem with alcohol. No amount of time will change that. Once alcohol addicts our brains, that's it. But it's okay, life is so much better without the booze. Who needs that nasty stuff anyways when there is a whole world of other things to do.
Bamboozle, it is hard to admit when we've failed. Maybe it's a perception of how we want to look to other people. But then the courage finds us as we realize that it isn't about how we look to other people, it's about saving our lives. What matters is that you are here today.
Let my post be a reminder that we cannot ever try to drink socially. No matter what the voice in our head says, it's lying. You see, once you drink, it's got you. It's hard to break the grip and stop again. It's much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. The voice is really horrendous after you've fed it. It comes back much more powerful. But it weakens as we stay sober.
I had myself so blinded and was just going to try to have one drink. Impossible. Who the heck only has one drink? That's never been enough for me. One drink and the train has left the station. It always leads to a crash.
So the lesson of this is: that voice is lying to us. We have a problem with alcohol. When we're 20 years sober, we still have a problem with alcohol. No amount of time will change that. Once alcohol addicts our brains, that's it. But it's okay, life is so much better without the booze. Who needs that nasty stuff anyways when there is a whole world of other things to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Originally Posted by Hope
Horselover, that voice is lying to you. Hold on to your 4 months and guard them. Those 4 months are precious. You know in your rational mind that you still have the same problem with alcohol as you did on day 1. Nothing's changed. So tell that voice to get lost because you're not listening to it's lies today!
Bamboozle, it is hard to admit when we've failed. Maybe it's a perception of how we want to look to other people. But then the courage finds us as we realize that it isn't about how we look to other people, it's about saving our lives. What matters is that you are here today.
Let my post be a reminder that we cannot ever try to drink socially. No matter what the voice in our head says, it's lying. You see, once you drink, it's got you. It's hard to break the grip and stop again. It's much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. The voice is really horrendous after you've fed it. It comes back much more powerful. But it weakens as we stay sober.
I had myself so blinded and was just going to try to have one drink. Impossible. Who the heck only has one drink? That's never been enough for me. One drink and the train has left the station. It always leads to a crash.
So the lesson of this is: that voice is lying to us. We have a problem with alcohol. When we're 20 years sober, we still have a problem with alcohol. No amount of time will change that. Once alcohol addicts our brains, that's it. But it's okay, life is so much better without the booze. Who needs that nasty stuff anyways when there is a whole world of other things to do.
Bamboozle, it is hard to admit when we've failed. Maybe it's a perception of how we want to look to other people. But then the courage finds us as we realize that it isn't about how we look to other people, it's about saving our lives. What matters is that you are here today.
Let my post be a reminder that we cannot ever try to drink socially. No matter what the voice in our head says, it's lying. You see, once you drink, it's got you. It's hard to break the grip and stop again. It's much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. The voice is really horrendous after you've fed it. It comes back much more powerful. But it weakens as we stay sober.
I had myself so blinded and was just going to try to have one drink. Impossible. Who the heck only has one drink? That's never been enough for me. One drink and the train has left the station. It always leads to a crash.
So the lesson of this is: that voice is lying to us. We have a problem with alcohol. When we're 20 years sober, we still have a problem with alcohol. No amount of time will change that. Once alcohol addicts our brains, that's it. But it's okay, life is so much better without the booze. Who needs that nasty stuff anyways when there is a whole world of other things to do.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
