Notices

Confession

Old 09-13-2008, 03:04 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Confession

First of all, it is very hard for me to come here and write this.

I have been struggling for the last couple of months to get sober again. Alcohol had a very powerful grip on me. I've been trying to break free. I've been drinking very heavily. I was going to AA meetings and then drinking after the meetings. It has really taken its toll on my health.

After I drank again, I did not have the strength to pick myself right back up. I stayed down and continued to drink. But now I have a small glimmer of hope and a desire to win over alcohol. I can't believe the grip that this stuff has on me.

It all started over a thought that maybe I could drink socially again since I had months of sobriety. I thought that I could have one drink and be okay and would stop after that. Well, that one drink turned into one more and one more.... and it just kept going. The road of "one more drink" lead me straight to hell. It is a very lonely, painful place.

I was drinking every day. No matter how much I drank, I couldn't drink enough to drown out all of the recovery I had learned in my sober time. I rotated liquor stores because I was too embarrassed to keep showing up at the same one every day. I just felt like when they looked at me, they just knew. It was a horrible, deep shame and I know I am way over the line that separated alcoholics from social drinkers. I'm really far gone into alcoholism. I know social drinkers do not behave the way I was behaving.

I know what to do to get back on this road of recovery. I walked this road before and I still have what I learned and now I have this experience to learn from. I also know the reasons why I drank again and I'll avoid them in the future. I know the EXACT reasons that caused me to pick up a drink. I saw it coming and did nothing to stop it. I thought it was what I wanted, but I was sadly mistaken. It was what my alcoholic mind wanted but not really what I wanted if that makes any sense.

I also have to avoid people, places, and things associated with alcohol. I have to do it for my recovery. Without sobriety, I don't have anything.

I'm very disappointed that I started drinking again, but I am hopeful that this experience has made me stronger and reaffirmed my decision and reasons for recovery. Now I'm trying to get back up and give sobriety another chance. This time, I won't be careless about who I hang around and won't hang around in slippery places where alcohol is served.

Thanks for listening.
Hope is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:13 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Rusty Zipper's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
print 'n post!

keep a copy of this on your bathroom mirror Hope...

and never give up that hope!

good wishes

rz
Rusty Zipper is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:16 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Thanks

I will hang on to hope and I will also hang on to this post. It is a good reminder for when I get one of my "stupid bright ideas" that end up getting me in trouble.
Hope is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:21 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
dave47's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 1,733
Welcome back Hope, best wishes to you.
dave47 is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 03:25 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
I am so relieved now that I got this out there. I was so scared and ashamed but really just needed a place to talk.

I'm glad that I did.
Hope is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 06:30 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
SelfSeeking's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 1,340
Your strength and courage shine through your post! *hugs*
SelfSeeking is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 06:43 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
I'm feeling much more hopeful at the moment thanks to SR and the people here.

I won't drink today.
Hope is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 06:43 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 281
Sounds like me Hope, still struggling with that and so far it is working - still early though. I am on Day 7 and it will be challenging having ppl over tonight, but feeling as good as I do today on a Saturday morning without a hangover or anxiety is what I will be thinking of. This is so hard, but every challenge faced and conquered brings us closer to peace. Let's beat this.
Itsmytime is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 06:46 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Hang in there. We can beat this.

When your guests are over tonight, if it gets to be too much, go for a walk outside to clear your mind. Don't let yourself get too overwhelmed.
Hope is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 06:49 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eclipse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 811
Originally Posted by Hope View Post
But now I have a small glimmer of hope and a desire to win over alcohol.
Hi Hope,

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing. We are all struggling together and are all there for each other. Keep the small glimmer of hope alive and that desire and it will grow. You can do it.
Eclipse is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 06:54 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
I got nothin'
 
Bamboozle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Hello, Hope. :ghug3 Thank you for having the courage to post. And thank you for not giving up. :ghug2
Bamboozle is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 06:59 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Thanks for being my strength to help hold me up when I'm down and not feeling strong.

Thanks for being a light of hope and encouragement.:ghug3:ghug2
Hope is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:01 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
It took me a while to get the courage to write that. It took me way too long.
Hope is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:02 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Horselover's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Wow Hope! I have to thank you big time for this post. I have had glimmers of thoughts like that myself. I'm somewhere around 4 months and I say to myself, "Self you've gone 4 months and so you probably don't have a problem with it," and then the rational voice kicks in and says, "Self if you picked up today you would be back at square one and it would be harder to stop again." Sometimes the addict voice is louder then the rational voice, but your post has quieted the addict voice for now. I can't thank you enough. Let's all do this together - "Shut up irrational voice!!" :ghug3
Horselover is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:05 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
I got nothin'
 
Bamboozle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
I went on a drinking binge from about mid June to the end of July...I did not have the courage at the time to post about it here. Shame on me for making my recovery look like roses.
Bamboozle is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:12 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Horselover's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Well Bam you're clean now and back on the road so good for you!
Horselover is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:19 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Horselover, that voice is lying to you. Hold on to your 4 months and guard them. Those 4 months are precious. You know in your rational mind that you still have the same problem with alcohol as you did on day 1. Nothing's changed. So tell that voice to get lost because you're not listening to it's lies today!

Bamboozle, it is hard to admit when we've failed. Maybe it's a perception of how we want to look to other people. But then the courage finds us as we realize that it isn't about how we look to other people, it's about saving our lives. What matters is that you are here today.

Let my post be a reminder that we cannot ever try to drink socially. No matter what the voice in our head says, it's lying. You see, once you drink, it's got you. It's hard to break the grip and stop again. It's much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. The voice is really horrendous after you've fed it. It comes back much more powerful. But it weakens as we stay sober.

I had myself so blinded and was just going to try to have one drink. Impossible. Who the heck only has one drink? That's never been enough for me. One drink and the train has left the station. It always leads to a crash.

So the lesson of this is: that voice is lying to us. We have a problem with alcohol. When we're 20 years sober, we still have a problem with alcohol. No amount of time will change that. Once alcohol addicts our brains, that's it. But it's okay, life is so much better without the booze. Who needs that nasty stuff anyways when there is a whole world of other things to do.
Hope is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:21 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
Bamboozle, you're here and you're talking about it now so you've got courage. And glad you got back on track and you're sober now.
Hope is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:25 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Horselover's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Originally Posted by Hope View Post
Horselover, that voice is lying to you. Hold on to your 4 months and guard them. Those 4 months are precious. You know in your rational mind that you still have the same problem with alcohol as you did on day 1. Nothing's changed. So tell that voice to get lost because you're not listening to it's lies today!

Bamboozle, it is hard to admit when we've failed. Maybe it's a perception of how we want to look to other people. But then the courage finds us as we realize that it isn't about how we look to other people, it's about saving our lives. What matters is that you are here today.

Let my post be a reminder that we cannot ever try to drink socially. No matter what the voice in our head says, it's lying. You see, once you drink, it's got you. It's hard to break the grip and stop again. It's much easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. The voice is really horrendous after you've fed it. It comes back much more powerful. But it weakens as we stay sober.

I had myself so blinded and was just going to try to have one drink. Impossible. Who the heck only has one drink? That's never been enough for me. One drink and the train has left the station. It always leads to a crash.

So the lesson of this is: that voice is lying to us. We have a problem with alcohol. When we're 20 years sober, we still have a problem with alcohol. No amount of time will change that. Once alcohol addicts our brains, that's it. But it's okay, life is so much better without the booze. Who needs that nasty stuff anyways when there is a whole world of other things to do.
Control "P" Printed and hung where I can see it every day.
Horselover is offline  
Old 09-13-2008, 07:25 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Your screen name says it all: HOPE! Hang on to your hope for a better life and don't drink, just for today!

:ghug
least is online now  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:25 PM.